Help...
So this may be a little long but bare with me on this... I am a newlywed with a new step son who I dearly love. My husband is a great man and a great father but I’m struggling here. Him and BM split up with SS was very little not even 2 and it has been ugly. She’s put PFAs on him (mind you he is the least confrontational person ever) drags him back and forth to court at least once a month and not uncommon to take him every other week for something petty and bitter. They have 50/50 custody and the child support is outrageous.. I make a fairly good living and she maybe receives 200.00 less a month in child support as I do working a full time job and yet she still wants more. We struggle from time to time from it but I wish that was the least of my issues. Because of this 50/50 custody this child is very very behind meeting his mile stones. To say the least they don’t co parent and BM does things out of spite to us and uses the child as a “weapon.” Dad is what we call the “overcompensater” meaning he has full good intentions but sets no rules, boundaries, or stability. SS spends a lot of time with his grandma because we both work ridiculous hours and are trying to dig our selves out of the hole BM made. Basically this child has no consistency no rules, no stability, runs the roost and can be very hard to control. He also is not potty trained despite being almost 4 years old. I have stepped up and have gone above and beyond as the role of a new SM and my husband just gives me grief for it. I will spend an entire week potty training week after week for months feel like we made a huge improvement to turn around and pick him back up a week later with a poo filled diaper from BM. I have instilled a schedule, rules, time outs, how we earn toys or fun times (because before hand this kid could murder someone and dad would still take him on a toy shopping spree). But dad gives me grief and says I am not his real parent and he just wants to have fun with his son. We have gotten into some Heated fights about things, but I see this child struggling very badly. My husband eventually comes to his senses when he sees the difference with his child’s behavior and is actually able to go out and have a great time with his child with the only occasional melt down. My biggest vent right now is I try so Hard to make things right but everything I do gets undone and undermined by someone else. I feel like a failure I feel like giving up constantly but can’t because I truly care and love my SS. Help? Does this ever get better? Has anyone ever dealt with something like this? Do you feel your voice falls on deaf ears because your actually not a bio parent yet? Help! Mind you I do everything with love and out of love, I talk to my SS about everything we do why we do it etc I’m not playing warden of kiddy jail just simple parenting everything is a life lesson I feel to a toddler. He’s not dull and is a very smart little boy but he’s sometimes too smart and too stubborn just like his dad.
How exactly is he a great
How exactly is he a great father?
You can't care more about his development than either of his parents do. Personally I wouldn't stay with a man who "just wants to have fun with his son" to the detriment of the kid's well-being. Or one who won't stand up to his ex-wife and gives in to her demands for money.
But since you are just married and probably not yet ready to leave - just leave all the parenting to him and step back. YOU get to be the fun one. And if he won't parent, then so be it.
Maybe I needed to add in this..
To tog redux,
a lot changed that I should have added, before she wiped him clean he had a job where he could spend ample amount of time with his son, even though he was still doing the over compensating game somewhat it wasn’t as terrible. Now that he only gets his son a few days out of the week anymore he feels like he constantly needs to make up for lost time or he needs to give more because of the lack of time he gets to spend with him. Which I understand, but he fails to see it hurts his child in the long run. I also should mention he never had to ever really be a sole parent, he always had his mom or I there. He does love his son and would do anything for him but he just doesn’t go about it in the right ways.
Loves him, no doubt. But that
Loves him, no doubt. But that alone doesn’t make you a great father. He needs to step up and do what his son needs, not what’s fun.
Caring about the development of a child
I’m honestly not sure what the comment was supposed to mean of “I can’t care about the child’s development more than his parents”.. I do honestly think me and SS grandmother are the only ones with common sense with these matters sometimes. BM cannot be bothered with anything even something as taking SS to the walk in or follow up appointments if that shows you any trait of her character, lazy.. as for my husband I think he’s honestly clueless sometimes. It’s not until his own mother says something it becomes reality to him. But a bigger part of me thinks he’s in denial about it. Maybe I shouldn’t sound like I care more than the bio parents but I guess I’m the only one who points out the elephant in the room.
You can’t care more than they
You can’t care more than they do because you will drive yourself crazy. They are the ones who have to step up and parent, not you and grandma.
I wish it was that easy..
I honestly hate it though,
I feel like they do this because neither one of them can get over their past issues and co parent. It’s like if he/she doesn’t care why should I? Unless it can be used as mass destruction and be the reason they go to court again. I stepped back and let my husband take full control and he was a mess. He thinks I don’t care for SS anymore because sometimes I simply remove my self from the situtuon because I can’t handle it. It’s sometimes not even worth me mentioning trying or doing. So now the new issue is “this is what you signed up for why are you running away?” Well maybe if you used your brain and listened I wouldn’t leave. No one wants to be around a mean entitled child who can do anything with no repercussions.
One question
Why did you marry this man, knowing he has all this baggage and drama?
Wow I didn’t think it was that bad..
I married him obviously because I love him. He is a good man but yes there’s drama having a broken family. I came on this post to see if anyone else has had similar issues and all I have had is judgmental comments saying I should leave my husband and he’s a bad father. I’ve read so many posts similar to mine or similar situations..
Please go back and reread
Please go back and reread your original post keeping in mind that your readers do not have your complete history and experience with your situation.
With the limited information provided the appearance is that this man is far from being your equity life partner and does not treat or consider you as his equity life partner.
That is what your readers are responding to.
He seems to fully expects your financial and parental support but repeatedly reminds you that you are not your Skid’s real parent.
In true equity life partnerships the partners are also equity parents to any spawn in the mix regardless of spawn biology.
My fear is that your partner is far from being your equity life partner and has no intention of tolerating your efforts to be an equity parent to your SKid.
He and the BM are abject failures as parents and DH requires you and his mommy to raise both him and his kid.
So, we are worried about you.
Take care of you.
I should have added more.
Thank you for caring, a lot of what everyone is posting is right I will not deny it. He does not expect me financially to raise his child I work hard because it’s always something I’ve done. I do try to make up the gap of his loss wages but I was never asked to and have been told by him not to get a second job etc. as for the equal part, you are totally correct in my post I have been judged by them I have been told I am not his actual mother etc. this stuff is what kills me.. I know I am not nor have I ever tried to fill that void I just wanted what was best for SS. My husband just doesn’t like to hear the truth his kid is struggling and he needs to be more than just the fun dad but the actual father figure in his life. He doesn’t require me to be his mother for say but I can honestly see where I’ve mothered him too much maybe I helped create the monster? I just want someone to say you have every right to feel the way you feel because I am starting to feel crazy for it.
You do have every right to
You do have every right to feel as you feel.
But feelings aside...... what are you going to do about it to put yourself in a better place so that the life you are living will not continue to create the feelings you are struggling with?
Feelings are an amazing part of life but they are not particularly effective for making decisions and confronting life’s challenges.
Keep in mind that love is action and if your DH isn’t taking the actions of mitigating his cause of the things you are struggling with he isn’t loving you.
IMHO it is time to focus on loving yourself and put yourself first.
Take care of you.
Your life is not going to be fun
as your love get less, kid get older and worst, as DH becomes more of a Disney Dad. BM get crazier. You are going to get upset for being number 3 in the family. You wants and wishes will come after, SS and BM . Even through you are paying for thing your ideals don’t count.
When DH and SS go on dates and you are left home. You will be back in these boards. Just one thing. Get your head out of the sand and see what’s really is happing.
Getting my head out of the sand
I guess you are right, I never thought about it like that but that has been my biggest fear. I was honestly giving it until the custody arrangement changed as we will go down to every other weekend things would get better. However the only thing I would disagree with it my SO putting me last. Yes he wants to play Disney dad most of the time but he learns quick when he can’t control his child I and step away and give him the reins he’s the only one to blame. The one thing I can say positive about it is I am equal to SS with him. He always includes me in everything and even when I tell him to go out and do father and son things he actually gets upset and doesn’t want to leave me behind. I don’t know if I’m honestly ready to just give up because I can handle a lot and knew very well what I was walking into. There is only so many court dates BM can make there is only so much more she can take too. The only thing I wish for is stability for my SS. So he can bloom and hit the ground running. I guess I wanted to be oblivious to what was happening. I guess when I’m ready to walk away I will. I’ve always been a very selfless person and put others before me. I’ve slowly disengaged with SS even though I find my self from time to time going back to my old ways of being mother hen. But I’ve really taken a step back and have let my husband fall along the way on this journey. I guess the only thing I can do is keep my head above the sand and actually see things for what they are.
My first post so bare with me on it
This was my first time ever opening up to anyone on it. I have a million things that should be said for everything to make sense but not enough time and space to do so. Plus my emotions where all over the place writing this something very personal and actually letting people in. So I do apologize if a lot doesn’t make sense or people question why I feel the way I do. I came here for just validation, and have been given answers I simply didn’t want to see, but needed more than anything.
No need to apologize. The
No need to apologize. The step/blended family thing is a long process of peeling layers of an onion to get to the sweet stuff in the middle.
As SParents we cannot thrive if there are no boundaries and if our partners do not step up and make our relationship their priority over all else.
SO uses words as weapons
I think I get the brunt for a lot, I know it’s not right for my SO to lash out on me and say what he does but a lot of his actions speak louder than his hurtful words. My SO is struggling too, trying to make me happy, BM, and SS. I get it and it’s not right he takes it out on me. He just does not want to admit he needs to spend the precious little time he has with his son anymore being an actual parent. That not everything is a toy store journey chucky cheese date, McDonald’s for every meal 48 hr visit for him. It’s actually being a parent, and doing things that sometimes are not that fun or nap times time outs eating broccoli for dinner instead of cookies etc. simple life things. But his actions are much different than some of the hurtful words he says. I just hurt for boy my boys.
I have stepped up and have
This. This is why people are telling you that you cannot care more than this child’s biological parents do.
Your husband didn’t only gain a wife, but an inta-mom for his feral child, that both he and the BM created. On top of that he’s going to point fingers and shame you for caring? For going above and beyond what the average SM will not in this sort of uber dysfunctional situation? No. Just no.
They are the adults that created this child. Let them figure it out. Don’t be the fall guy in this scenario. I see that you love this child tremendously, and that you want to be right to him, but I think you need to shift your idea of “help” to pointing your DH in the right direction of public resources that both he and the child can benefit from.
You will run yourself ragged and into a wall trying to fix this.
I need to shift the help to the people who need it
I’ve been the one for a while who thought it was me doing it. It’s not it is his actually bio parents who created the mess and now need to pick it up. Maybe my standards are too high maybe these are normal things but I don’t think this is the case. I need to step back take care of my self and let them figure it out. I think they where set up for failure with having everything handed to them parenting wise and both never really having to be a real parent. I also think the love for their child is not as much as the resent they hold for each other. I have to come with grips it is not me and I am the outsider looking in that’s trying to do way to much and it’s running me raggid.
Now you've got it. BM and DH
Now you've got it. BM and DH are the problem. Your DH may be a kind, loving, fun dad, but he's not a great dad until he starts doing all the hard stuff, like potty training and discipline. You can't take over for him (well, you CAN, but it will cost you dearly emotionally). So just step back, as you said and let him handle it.
Getting it
yes I needed to hear it from others and needed to feel like if I took a step back it doesn’t make me a bad person. I’ve been talking to DH a lot about it and finally broke it down to him even if we only get a few precious days with SS he still needs to be a parent and do the tough stuff too. I think he gets it but is torn because he wants to do more for his son. He needs to learn in time we can do fun things but every weekend we have him can’t be the equilvancy to a holiday or birthday to him. Today was the first day in a while I didn’t spend my day in the bath room with SS relentlessly making him use the potty DH did. Small steps.
You are in a tough spot.
You are in a tough spot. You love your husband but he is not a good father. That happens. Not everyone is good at everything and wonderful people can be crap parents. The issue is whether they can recognize that there is a problem and figure out what they are going to do about it. What he can't do is make it your problem and then undermine you because his ego is hurt. He needs to suck it up and either grasp that he needs to learn to parent rather than play, cede authority to you and let you take over, or hire a nanny to do the work of raising his child. But if he keeps riding the fence and making you miserable then your marriage is not going to work long term. You are just starting out and this should be a happy time. It is only going to get worse from here if he doesn't make some decisions about what he wants his life to look like.
I hope in time he can be.
I will say he’s not the worst parent but has a lot to improve. He does want to be a part of his sons life abides by every court rule and CS payment etc loves his son sometimes too unconditionally, but he needs ALOT Of work... he needs to get out of the mindset that we’ll she’s not doing it (BM) why should I? He always has the excuse I only get him 2 days a week it doesn’t matter. In reality it does and it does a lot. He fears if he makes rules for his child and doesn’t spoil him rotten SS will not want to be a part of his life in the future. I have to somehow get him out of this mindset and into I need to be a good example to my son I need to try to teach him these things I need to show him stability and I am your father. I hope he can get his head out of his arse soon because this could be the end of us if he doesn’t.
Sadly, this is what happens
Sadly, this is what happens when some people get divorced, they feel like their kids' love for them is somehow conditional, and if they aren't having fun and buying things all the time, the kid won't want to be with them. The only time kids reject a parent is when they've been taught to hate that parent by the OTHER parent, and even then, it's not hate, it's just confusion, black/white thinking, and loyalty to the other parent. If BM is the type to do that, it will likely happen no matter what kind of parent he is.
In intact families, no one thinks they'd better be fun all the time or their kids won't want to be part of their lives anymore. He needs to realize that SS needs his parenting, and he's hurting him by being a Disney Dad, all to avoid his own fear of abandonment.
Don’t worry BM is that stupid to do so
don’t worry BM will try every chance she gets to do so, she even goes as far as asking SS do you really wanna go to daddy’s this week? If you say no we can go home. But then she realized quick not having to be a full time parent was pretty fun so she does what we call the drive by kid dumping now, most of the time he’s not even in real clothes or has shoes on... I think there’s hope she won’t turn SS against DM for the fact she gets to not be a parent for a couple days. Hard telling...