How to communicate with disrespectful step daughters
Ok, first some background. I have been in a serious relationship for 7 years now with a widower who has three daughters. When we first got romantically involved, he was dating others. Well, one of these "others" purposely got close to his adult daughters and filled their head with lies about me in order to get them to hate me... she was successful. Over the years, two daughters have at least become less disrespectful, and can manage to somewhat treat me as a human being. One has not. She refuses to be around me, and wants me excluded from any event where she will be present. Yes, her father has enabled all of them by not setting any healthy boundaries, and he realizes this. 5 years ago when my guy brought me to his home so that I could help him with a project, the youngest daughter, (then only 18) flipped out by saying, "I told you I didn't want her here (in his house), what is she doing here? She is a skank and a whore" (yes, I am standing right there) She turns to me and says, "why are you still here" I said, "this is between you and your father"... she went on screaming at him, he did not do much to stand up for himself. When she said FUC$#& YOU DAD, for the third time, I finally spoke up and said to her, "Your mother would be disgusted with you right now" She screamed more disrespectful names toward me and stormed back in the house" She has always refused to be around me, and he has made concessions to grant her wishes. About 3 years after that, I reached out to her in an email and said, "Though there is plenty I could say to you, I am not going to make this a long winded message. There is however a point I feel I should make: your refusal to be anywhere around me puts a large burden of stress and anxiety upon your father. He does so much for you, most of which you probably don't deserve. Don't you think it is time for you to put aside your childish grievances for his sake? I care very much for your father, and I wonder, do you? Think about it". Her immediate response was, "FUC#@% yourself you dirty C@&^%NT, mind your own FUC#$%ing business, you're disgusting. kill yourself" "You have some audacity" I lost it, and I finally said something to defend myself... I said, "Dirty C@%$NT huh? I would be willing to bed that you don't have enough fingers and toes to count how many CO@&%#KS you have had inside you and you're not even 21 yet. I am almost 50 and I can count on less than two hands how many men I have been with. Now you tell me, who is really the dirty C@&%$NT? I should've known that you have no ability to show him the respect and appreciation he deserves."
Now, of course we just passed another holiday, one in which I was excluded from his family event. He went and allowed them (especially one) to dictate to him how he had to meet their expectations. He wasn't happy at all at that event, and has tried to reason with his daughters, two are willing to listen, the youngest is not. Of course, she brings up these two incidents to throw in his face to tell him how hurt she is that I have talked to her this way (of course, not taking any responsibility for her own behavior)
I am contemplating reaching out through written correspondence to this girl, to readdress our two incidences, and to try to be logical with her to see circumstances as they are. I just don't know if that will wind up doing more harm than good. I am looking for advice.
Stop putting things in writing
First, stop putting things in writing, you are not helping your cause. Even your first email, by calling her grievances "childish" invited a negative response. You were fine up to that. Her response was uncalled for, but yours was far worse.
Second, you have a choice, either get your significant other to not ignore you at holidays or leave. Sending emails to her is not going to get her to change.
thank you for your input
yes, my correspondence could have been more beneficial if I had left the ajective "childish" out of it, and I agree that my reaction to her reply was not well thought out, but it was that, a reaction, not a response. Like I said, "I lost it" Even though the things I said were true, all they did was spur more negativity. However, it was through written correspondence that I was able to "get through" to his other daughters, and the two of them and I are on more stable ground because of it.
Believe me when I tell you
Believe me when I tell you that you need to move on from your SO. They have a system in place and you're not a part of it. That his youngest feels free to use that unbelievably filthy language at you should tell you what a failure of a father your SO was/is. He's spoiled them and enables them. He should have blown a fuse and insisted on an apology from her, but he did not. Get it?? That said, you should never have written to tell her that she was childish because you invited her ugliness upon yourself and she used that simple "negative" word against you with her father. You're mostly miserable already. Get out. Not to be disrespectful, but you won't and I wish you whatever happiness you may get from time to time with this man and his spawn.
Unless she has grown up
Unless she has grown up significantly since that last disastrous written exchange, I wouldn't waste my time. I also wouldn't put anything into writing that she can possibly try to use against you in the future. I don't think logic will work on this girl. While the behavior of his youngest daughter is reprehensible, I think your issue should be with her father, who is excluding you (or allowing his children to exclude you) from his family events.
the issue
Yes, the issue here is primarily with my guy, their father. I have pointed out to him that albeit he has not set any healthy boundaries for them, that I am also to blame because I have not set enough healthy boundaries for him.
thank you for your input
yes, my correspondence could have been more beneficial if I had left the ajective "childish" out of it, and I agree that my reaction to her reply was not well thought out, but it was that, a reaction, not a response. Like I said, "I lost it" Even though the things I said were true, all they did was spur more negativity. However, it was through written correspondence that I was able to "get through" to his other daughters, and the two of them and I are on more stable ground because of it.
Was your communication to the older two as negative?
If you sent that final email to my sister, I would not be talking to you, I dont care what she said first. In any event, different communciation works with different people. Your DH is the one you need to talk to. If he is leaving you alone over holidays, that is on him, not the SD.
in response
My communications with the older, other two were not as negative, in fact, I was much more responsible about any reply I sent to them. I held my cool, and did not lose it, even though I got many similiar reactions from both of them. I am a good communicator, what worked for me with the other two was to aknowledge their feelings, apologize for any hurt I caused without adding any excuse or "but" so to say..., but also point out that I wasn't willing to stand by while they intentionally bully me. That I was willing to listen to what they had to say, while pointing out that if they expected me to do that, then they as well had to be willing to listen to what I had to say... That is why I am wondering if now, at this point, 3 and a half years after the time I lost it, if it is a good idea to try to reach out, apologize for my own shortcomings for losing it, and perhaps show an effort to make things better....
I think you would be better
I think you would be better served by enlisting the help of her sisters. You say your relationship with them has improved.. would they be willing to help broker a more peaceful relationship. You start out by admitting to them that you are sorry and embarassed that you "lost it" with their sister but that for your husband's and everyone's sake, you would like a chance to make a better 2nd impression. That you know it hurts your husband to have people he cares about be at odds... see what their response is.. whether they feel they have any pull getting the younger girl to come back to the table so to speak.
A hint
Her immediate response was, "FUC#@% yourself you dirty C@&^%NT, mind your own FUC#$%ing business, you're disgusting. kill yourself"
This is more than a hint that whatever you do will not work. Yes, she is childish but who cares? She's not worth your time. Nor is a BF who does not value enough to defend you or include you in family activities. I can assure you (from experience) this will not improve unless your BF decides to change drastically. The good news is you are not married to this man. You have the opportunity to move on without this B.S. in your life.
I married a man who would not defend me 27 years ago. I have learned to defend myself but nothing I could have ever done would have changed SD's mind about me. You have to consider what you can live with.
I am wondering if now, at
I am wondering if now, at this point, 3 and a half years after the time I lost it, if it is a good idea to try to reach out, apologize for my own shortcomings for losing it, and perhaps show an effort to make things better....
^^^^^^^^^^I wouldn't waste my time in doing this. You have tried before and to no avail. You may have good intentions and want to forge a better relationship with them but its not worth the drama & stress. What has to happen here is your H needs to man up and address these issues himself. Had he nipped this in the beginning things could have been a lot smoother by now but his lack of setting boundaries has created a very toxic dynamic.
It sounds like you have more
It sounds like you have more of a DH problem than a SD problem. 'D'H needs to grow a set and put you in your rightful place next to him, or he needs to just divorce you and have a life with his precious asshole of a daughter. Not a chance in hell I would live like this.
No more contact, particularly
No more contact, particularly in writing. The only writing should be to write them off. Quit serving your DH and your marriage up to the sacrificial alter of these two toxic harpies.
Start booking holiday cruises, vacations, etc... for you and your DH and keep him the hell away from them.
The only step scenario I can
The only step scenario I can imagine worse than a widower with three daughters would be a widower with four daughters. You were playing against a stacked deck from the start. Here's a list of points to consider:
I'm guessing the dynamic your SO had with his daughters wasn't at all healthy before you came along. His daughters were probably fully in charge, with the youngest having spent the longest being daddy's pseudo wife. Then your SO brought you around without preparing them, and all H@ll broke loose.
You've invested seven years in this man, and he's still leaving you for them on holidays?? These people are all adults, and the dynamic is not likely to change. It's not advisable for you to reach out to any of them, as it's your SO's mess to deal with. They all need therapy, including the father who created and enables this.
You need to assume this is how it will always be, and decide if you can live with it.
I won't just assume
Yes, you are correct, the dynamic before I came along was not healthy at all. These children were never given healthy boundaries by either of their parents... their mom turned to alcohol and drugs to help her cope with the stress they caused, and ended up dying of liver failure due to her drinking... My guy blames her liver failure on ibuprofen... Not my place to say anything... of course, after her death he is going to immortalize her. These children were allowed to speak horrible profanity at each other and their parents without consequence... they were allowed to consume alcohol, and smoke cigarettes in front of their parents since the age of 13. He has much work ahead of him if he is going to help them mature (now 23, 27 and 28)... all still completely dependent upon him financially. He has even more work ahead of him if he wants to continue our relationship... I am willing to help him and be understanding if he is willing to put in the work...
made my decision
Thank You everyone for your input... I have made my decision not to reach out, even with good intentions, to grow a better rapport. I have though made it clear to my guy that even though he claims his daughter is ruining us, that it is in fact he who is ruining us. I told him that I would like to see him start setting proper boundaries (realizing that it will make things worse before they get better)... Time for me to set my own boundaries that preserve my own self-worth... I begin by telling him this:
What I would like from you is for you to start setting the proper boundaries. Relate to your daughter(s) that you are not going to stand for their disrespect nor childish behavior anymore. Stop telling LA that it is okay if she chooses to ignore me. Stop sending them the message that it is okay for them to exclude me. Stop allowing LA at the camp if she is to go on with her immaturity in the way she treats you and me. You and I have worked hard in developing that place, and you even pretest to say that it will be a more permanent home for us in the future.. well, treat it that way, as ours… (even though you have at times not allowed me there because of your daughter(s)). Relate to LA that the camp is OUR place, and that if she cannot respect our relationship, then she is not allowed there, at any time period, whether we are there or not. Stop telling LA that it is okay for her to come see you at my house, or any other place “because she is not here”… Start setting consequences for their undesirable behaviors. How or why would they ever change if you don’t?
I can tell you, that it is not LA that is ruining us…. it is YOU!
You have some responsibilities here to live up to, and I can tell you, that I am not going to just let it all roll off nor make excuses for you anymore in your allowance for them to treat me so badly. By doing so, you treat me badly.
If you cannot do any of this, then you need to realize that I deserve better, and move on.
Nista this is a good start.
Nista this is a good start. Remain firm and remain consistent. The end result is for your H to create healthy boundaries and to stand up for you both. His daughters don't have to like you but they should have some level of respect and/or be cordial the very least. None of this will not be possible unless HE takes the lead and makes it so.
Wishing you well and always take care of you!
Just curious. What is it
Just curious. What is it that you find attractive in this man? I would have been gone six and three quarter years ago.
Your SD is a trashy POS. Why
Your SD is a trashy POS. Why do you want a relationship with someone like that? Seriously are you nuts?
Banish her and her ilk from your life. Let your DH see his rotten spawn on his time away from your home. But he should NOT miss holidays or important times with you.
Nope. I have a thing about
Nope. I have a thing about the c word and I would never speak to someone who used it about me. SD is a POS. Just write her off. Remember, some people are effed up. Quit trying to find good where none exists.
Don't marry him. Don't live with him if you don't have to. I have been married for nearly 20 years but only found out in 2013 that the skids hate me. I started by looking at reasons why they would and I read Stepmonster. Basically, I never stood a chance because the skids are PASd, don't care about their dad or his mother, and Bio mom's life is dumpster fire making her jealous of everything we have because I chose a good career. Not a thing I can do about how they treat us and Karma is getting even for us so we are enjoying our lives and focusing on people who love us back.
Read everything about adult steps on here and you will see where this comes from, long before you were in the picture. Sad but true.
By the way, it will always be
By the way, it will always be the three of them (willful women) against you (even though it "appears" that the other two are okay with you). Blood is thicker and that's THEIR dad. You are not their mother and you are not invited to their party. I know this from the exact same experience. ;-)