What are you asked to do for him?

When my skids were young, I cooked and gave them rides when needed. I helped in other ways like homework if I *wanted to* but I never felt it was my job. My skids have half-assed parents who failed them in many ways. It was extremely frustrating to witness decisions being made that went against every maternal instinct I had. But I learned that it wasn't my job to make up for their crappy parents and it's not even possible.

If your skid has two involved, decent parents, you shouldn't have to do anything unless you want to for SS. Your role is however you want to define it.

i only parent in emergency situations.  It took a long time for DH to get that and even longer for BM to understand that.   They all felt I should worship the ground their spawn walked on.   I had my own kid to raise and I didn’t expect DH to take over that job so why would I take over raising his kids??

i don’t parent.  I watch from the sidelines and only get involved when it affects me or they are blantantly disrespectful in front of me.  I cannot tolerate that out of any child.   

I will step in if there is an urgent need such as helping care for a sick kid if needed or picking up a kid from school if all other options fail.   But mainly I am just another adult in the house who they mainly ignore.

I'm also wondering what you are being asked to do.  My SD's had two parents and grandparents that were involved in their lives.  That didn't mean there weren't things I did for them or because of them.  In general, I would do things for a variety of reasons.

1.  to help my DH.  If he had other obligations or pressing issues.. I would not have a problem doing what was needed with the kids if I didn't have those same pressures.  This would not be unlike me doing an errand for him like picking up laundry because it was easier/more convienient etc..

2.  To move the ball closer to the goal line... and that goal line was the girls being able to launch without huge financial commitments from me/us.  So... keeping the girls on task.. good advice.. encouragement etc... that was also something I would do because the better citizens of the world they became.. the less they would be a burden on me in the long run..lol.

3.  To foster harmony in the home.  Doing nice things for them.. might be a long game tactic to have harmony in your family relationships.. with his family.. with him.  I buy presents for them.. treat them well.. and now that they are both adults, I have reaped the benefits of taking the high road.  I know it doesn't work in all cases.. there are some situations that the kids are lost causes.. but in mine it paid off.

By the way.. I used to joke with the girls that I am not a "good example.. but maybe more of a cautionary tale"..lmao

I took a "friendly aunt" sort of role. Nice to the kid, played with him, helped out DH here and there when needed, but no ongoing care for him and no discipline. 

Now he's 18 and I just avoid him as much as possible.

 I am a complete parent in our home. I share the roll of provided and caregiver with my partner. In turn WE share that roll with BM.

I do pickups, I make dinner, I ensure they get showers and have clean clothes. I put them to bed and do bedtime stories. I share my hobbies and take interest in theirs. The same as their father.

This doesn’t mean I see myself as a replacement for their mother. I am one more adult who loves and supports them. Children can never have enough adults building them up.

Now I recognize this isn’t the case for everyone. I do not judge those who do things different. This is what works for me and mine.  

This is what I am being pressured (or feels ) that way to do now that my 18 yo SD is living with us. My H thinks I should be a parent to her and thinks that we have a relationship since she is my step daughter. Well nope and nope. I feel like she is a house guest living in my home. Relationships take time and feeling like she is family is not in my blood. I take care of my two kids and that’s it.

unless you have raised these S kids and they have lived full time with you then I don’t know how anyone bonds with them. My SD has lived in another state the last 3 years

I view myself as someone who has put up with a lot of crap over the years from 2 selfish, ungrateful and not fully hatched human beings with a myriad of personality flaws.

I view myself as someone whose patience and kind heart has been stretched to its very limit.

I started off as a step-parent who really cared, hung out with them, took them places and tried to be a positive in their lives. Now, I just make dinner and only because I love cooking and would be making meals for DH and I in any event. It is no biggie to make an extra plate.

I don't do lifts, drop offs, clothes washing....nothing. I used to but not anymore. They had their chance to get the best out of me and they blew it. The same will still apply as they get older. No favours will be done. no money handouts, nothing.

I will insist on certain chores being done by SD and will relay to her what I want done around the house. That and being civil and courteous is about as far as I go these days.

I have been in my SKs lives for 10 years and was always willing (and wanted ) to have a great motherly relationship with them.  They are now 15 and 17 and my goal is now to simply make the transition out of our house as seamless as possible.  It breaks my heart, because I really am a nonconfrontational, big-hearted person who just wants everyone to be happy and loved.  However, it is apparent that any close bond I could have had was destroyed by psycho BM and a health dose of PAS early on.  I cook and clean and keep the house, and I am happy to do it.  I changed my work schedule when I was employed so that I could make sure I picked them up every day from school for the sake of safety, drove to practices, did all of the motherly things I could.  The only thing I insist on is  them doing their own laundry.  SS is great when asked.  SD, however, told me to get off the couch and do hers because "it's not that hard" - said with disdain and an attitude.  So, I am quite frankly, done with the one step forward, five steps back thing.  I am trying now just to be civil.  SD is an emotional bully, SS is awesome and loving. I feel much more like a mom to him in that I can correct him, he apologizes then tells me he loves me.  SD, on the other hand, never apologizes, thinks she is always right and much like her mother, bullies to get her way because people just don't want to deal with her.  I think my kind heart as been taken advantage of, and I cringe when SKs expect me to drop what I am doing to cater to their forgetfulness and other things.  SD refuses to even text me directly.  My DH was out of town, and I said no problem, I will keep the kids since it was his week.   SD decides not to go to school, texts my husband rather than get out of bed to come across the hall to tell me her brother needs a ride to school, and I am driving SS to school at 6:30 am in my pajamas.  It's just the lack of respect that has driven me to just being courteous and thinking that everything I do is just because I love my DH and for him.  I am done getting my feelings hurt trying to be a role model / parent / supporter.  Frankly, that's my DH's njob.  It could have been so much better, but looking back I never stood a chance.  

You are not obligated to figure things out for your H's son. Like you said he has to able bodied parents that can figure it out. Why do you have to drive yourself crazy doing all these drop offs and still get to work an hour earlier.

Give your H a dose of reality and remind him that he and BM have to figure it out. He's getting his panties in a bunch for no reason. If that's the case he should have taken him to school himself.

For my particular situation, I have 2 Skids, Toxic Feral Eldest SD19, and Munchkin SD12.

For Munchkin, she has said that she thinks of me as like a second mom. She is generall sweet and courteous, and also somewhat lazy, and demanding of time and energy and attention. All normal stuff for a preteen. She and I have always had a postive relationship, and I am a "helper/guardian" always looking out for her well being and safety. That being said, I am also disengaging my self every now and then as her mother gets angry when I do/buy things for her daughter (jealousy) and Toxic Troll BM is VERY high conflict ALL the time. Also, Munchkin hasnt really been very appreciative when I have done transportation to parties and things, so I have backed off there. I have no desire to be be shuttle bus. Helping her with rabbit - ditto. I do still help her with clothes, and room organization, because Im good at it and Im fast.

Toxic Feral Eldest, she has expressed her hatred of me, and now is nothing to me. She currently lives with her mother and doesnt really speak to her father, because as she told him "he was a horrible dad, and was never there for her". He is a great dad, and was always there for her. She is a pathological liar, a theif, a narcissistic emotional bully. So, there will be no emotional bonding with her. She happens to have her mothers disordered personality. Munchkin is much like her dad.

Spend your time on your children. Its DH's responsibility to do for his children, not yours.