Help from those that chose divorce
Some my know my struggle from previous posts. I had made the decision back in August on my one year anniversary to divorce, but decided to wait until it had been a full year from when my “wife” and I first sought outside help. There have been some positive moments, but still many negative moments. At the moment I am profoundly saddened at the loss of the person that I met years ago and her caring and compassion. Now all I get is her echoing the words of her bratty adult children.
I cannot go on like this any longer. In all her actions and words, she pushes me away and when confronted says only that I am waiting for her to make one little mistake. To the contrary, I am looking for her to see me as someone that loves and cares about her. Taking the most negative view of me is the farthest thing from Love I can imagine.
I have learned that there is nothing I can do. The cancer that eats away at our marriage and splits us apart is something I have absolutely no control or influence over. Three spoiled children that continue to give ultimatums that she come to thanksgiving dinner without me, and her going is all I need to know about where they all are (including my “wife”) in accepting this so called marriage. Waking each day knowing the hatred they have towards me, her own children, is something that will never be addressed. These are her children, and they have made it very clear I am not welcome in their “family”. This is not a marriage anymore
All I get is left, hurt, and subsequently blamed for not accepting it. Accept this - I am done. We had that talk already and nothing changes because nobody wants any changes. So now after giving it another 6 months and trying coaching, it’s just me. Why am I trying so hard for something that nobody wants except me. Time to accept that it will never change and I need to end it before it ends me.
I have not made any decisions yet
But I completely get it. I have suffered this triangulation in my marriage for 11 years. You are right to understand that it won't get better. Hoping you find peace dear sir, that's all we really want. Plays Grateful Dead Touch of Grey.
How?
11 years seems like a lifetime! This has been the hardest year of my life. To love and be excluded on holidays, and then pushed away by the person you have committed your life to? Try to help on any little thing and be snapped at? Echoing the daughter ‘s “I don’t need any man to help me with anything!” rhetoric.
It's been severe
Last year SD moved out of state. I thought finally a ray of hope. But no my H has pined himself away, losing 60lbs in a state of depression since she left. I will actually divorce if she moves back to Texas. This has gone on long enough. They both crave each other's attention. Is there a possibility she will move back? Yes, and she is looking forward to causing more drama. So my hands are tied, I will no longer place myself in this situation. I'm looking at divorce too. Maybe sooner than later. I have already wasted enough time thinking it would change.
I choose to not be included
I choose to not be included now, because when I was included I was always excluded anyway. My DH would never leave me on official holidays etc., you are one-hundred percent correct to resent that sort of number 2.....et. al., treatment. You come first as spouse. You are only desiring your rightful place in your marriage.
Sad to say I believe the more I tried to be included and liked, the less I was. Like you, I realized eventually there was nothing I can do to fix it. I did nothing to create this sick dynamic-- which existed in "their" family long before I came around.
I have learned I must accept how hopeless the mess is for me. My DH is too scared (never understand this one); of them to protect/defend me, but then again....he knows it. Hence, he never insists I am around them and I have not interacted with them in years. With their behavior, and his behavior around them, this marriage would have never lasted had he forced me. And, had they been decent people, I would have loved additional family members.
I do not care what he does with them, as long as my needs and desires are a priority; and I never have to be around those nasty pieces of work again. Getting away from this craziness and their hidden agendas was the best thing I have ever done for myself. For me, the only answer is going no contact.
That’s it
if they get it and prioritize the marriage it can work. But to be a doormat is very different. I don’t want to be around these people, but they force her hand. Always have, always will, and she goes right along with it. I see it as her approval for this behavior. She says “They are all ok with it and never bring you up. Why can’t you be ok with it?” Um, because we are married, they force you to Chou, and you choose them. Always. They are ok because they have exactly what they want, just short of splitting us up.
Most of the time the goal is
Most of the time the goal is to split you up. If she insists on being married to her adult kids over you, help her pack her bags to go live with them. Keep documenting any examples of alienation of affection, if that exists--until she walks. Either way, you need change and your DW may have to learn the hard way. You, on the otherhand, will improve.
Am I right in thinking she
Am I right in thinking she had decided to leave you? What made her change her mind? I can understand why you have given it six months (Ithink) - but I wouldn't give it a moment longer...
No
i decided that a “marriage of convenience” was not what I wanted. If the alienation from her family was going to exist forever, I was not ok with it.
Do you know why I am
Do you know why I am struggling to answer your post? It is Sunday night, I am sitting in my lounge with a glass of wine, scanning blogs, half singing to good music, and feeling really happy. Completely distracted by good things, looking forward to the week ahead.
Do you know where I was last year at this time? Probably home, miserable, unhappy, hurt and wondering why my marriage was falling apart, where I had failed, crying over a husband I loved who wouldn’t change, who couldn’t see the damage his daughter was doing....
Do you know what the difference is between then and now? Divorce.
I sent someone dear to me an email yesterday outlining the changes in the last six months since my divorce... All for the better! Happiness comes when we choose to be true to ourselves. When we stop fighting with our spouse who cannot see that their actions cause us pain. There comes a time when you realise you are fighting a losing battle that only makes you unhappy... Stop doing it.
Ms Tracy Chapman is singing : Give me one reason to stay here, And I'll turn right back around... He didn’t. Not one. Not for me ... So I left. Best thing I ever did.
Walk away, even if it hurts. Do not turn around if your spouse will not give you a reason to stay... You need to re-frame your thoughts. It is not about your spouse or how their actions cause you unhappiness or pain. It is about you -and what you can do to ensure your own happiness.
(Apologies if this doesn’t make much sense – I am distracted by music... and my dog is showing me his Moves like Jagger... Lawd, I must have been drunk when I created this playlist! LOL!)
Me too! I was given no reason
Me too! I was given no reason to stay either- although not listening to Tracey Chapman I am reflecting on how far I've come in eight months and soooo looking forward to next year- only good things coming for me and you girl!
I love this analogy
Thanks, Myss. I know that divorce is my best way to heal myself. I need to get the courage up to wrip off that bandaid. If I still drank, I would have one with you. Cheers to Tracey chapmCh.
I am commited to zero
I am commited to zero tolerance for toxic. I just don't understand why anyone would tolerate either a partner, friends or family who are toxic.
Particularly I do not understand why anyone would tolerate a supposed equity life partner who does not put the marriage before all else.
smh.
Be the doorman, not the doormat.
We enter relationship believing that our esteemed position as partner/spouse will remain a constant. Sadly, many of us never live this. The painful realization that our partner is not there for us and abusive is not one that comes overnight. But, it's a blessing when we accept truth, choose to step away, and move forward with our lives.
Your story is the profundity of truth for many. Yet, I believe that the way we finally understand ourselves can only come through relationship. The ideals of love will continue to evolve. Value the lessons of the heart, but more importantly VALUE YOURSELF. Your decision to leave is because you know that your partner and her children will not show you respect and consideration. That is absolutely unacceptable in a healthy relationship.
I am still learning at 57 – two previous divorces, some in-between short-term failures and two step families. I will never regret the lessons I've learned through relationships. They have made me a better person and partner. Divorce requires us to step through our fears and learn to become decisive and courageous despite them. It's these hardships that propel us to introspection and the changes that catalyze a new and improved life.
Let the ones who are still working it out have the space to do it on their own. Open the door for others who reflect goodness and positivity back to you. Be the doorman, not the doormat.
Healyourslf~ beautifully said
Healyourslf~ beautifully said!
"Be the doorman, not the doormat"
Very well said
The wisdom we gain from life’s tough times are valuable in shaping who we become as a person. I believe that every problem is an opportunity to learn and grow. Your comment “Value the lessons of the heart, but more importantly VALUE YOURSELF” was so well put. It’s an important part of dealing with all the “stuff” that life throws at you. Thank you for your insights and taking the time to share.
Give yourself the ultimate gift this Holiday!
Yes. give yourself the ultimate gift: The gift of truth, honor of self and the pleasure of letting DW go. Eight years ago I gave that gift to myself. After 20 years of playing the same game you have been living through, I gave DH the choice of working on the marriage or leaving. And I didn't mean a year - it required an immediate decision. He chose the marriage, and has learned to respect me. We are happy now.
You gave your DW the choice over and over this past year and she just doesn't seem to grasp the concept. It's time to let her go. Believe - you will be thanking your lucky stars in another year.