Can I ask that they not return?
This is my first post as I’m new on here but I’ve been doing the stepmom thing for five years now and it’s just getting worse the older the stepsons get (16, 14, 12). A little background: I have two teenage daughters and my husband has his 3 ungrateful rude disrespectful sons. We tried to keep 50/50 custody and have a big happy family but his ex wasn’t having it. Long story short we now have them every other weekend which is way too much for me. The older two are disgusting smartasses who have no respect for my home, my husband, my daughters, our pets, or me. The younger one is so clingy toward my husband and acts like he’s two. He forgot his damn shoes the other night in thirty degree weather and didn’t notice until they were halfway back to the “mother’s” house. Can I ask that they not return to my house?
Do you want to stay married?
Do you want to stay married? I'm guessing that would be a deal breaker for your husband.
You can’t put up with
four days a month ??? Don’t think you are SM material!! Think you should find someone with out kids if he will have you with your kids. Do you have your DD all the time .?
You can try and SO can tell
You can try and SO can tell you that the marriage is over.
Your best bet is to look into disengagement. The kids are old enough that they don’t need anything from you. Let dad handle it all.
I think your DH would
I think your DH would definitely have a problem with this (rightfully so). He has a right to see his kids too. My SD lives here 90% of the time. I can't imagine how my DH would feel if I wouldnt let him see her only 4 days a month! It is so little. Can you possibly just check out for those 4 days?
Other than being smart asses
Other than being smart asses and gross- have they done anything really wrong? Have they put hands on you or your daughters. Are they punching holes in walls? Are they stealing beer out of your fridge? Are they stealing money?
If there is a genuine safety issue- yes, you should be able to protect yourself and your children. However, if it is just (and I don't mean to down play it) an irritation issue, no you can't say they aren't allowed back and expect to stay married.
You can ask whatever you want
You can ask whatever you want, but you have to deal with the consequences of asking. Unless Your DH is spineless, he's likely not going to agree to not have his kids in his home, just like you wouldn't likely agree to not have yours in your home.
Since it's only 4 days a month, it would be better for you to just be gone/busy as much as possible and leave it to your DH to handle them. Make those weekends your DH's weekends to cook, go grocery shopping, do laundry, clean up the house, etc. Eventually he'll get tired of being his kids' personal assistant and will put a boot up their rear. Or, it won't bother him, but it also won't be yours to deal with.
Disengage and set a hard-and-fast rule that no adult kid (yours included) will live with you after they turn 18 EXCEPT under very specific circumstances (like summer or breaks during college).
If they are causing damage to
If they are causing damage to the home, and distress on your daughters, I would definitely make a change. While I get the “Dad needs to see his kids” stance, I don’t feel it should be at the sacrifice of the health and happiness of others. Each person counts. They are old enough to know right from wrong. If they are out of control, I would talk to SO. About the home environment you need. It’s your life too. Let him offer suggestions. Try them. If they don’t work, try something else. I imagine he will say he will try get them to be more respectful and he will fail. In the end it will come down to each of you deciding what you need for your health and happiness and can those line up. Maybe this needs to be a 2 Home relationship? But I think he needs to try and fail to see that option as a good one. If you don’t have bios together it’s a little easier. Not easy.. but at least “sticking it out for your bio” isn’t at play.