SD mean to DD but dotes on her brother
My situation isn't that bad but I don't know what to do.
I just moved in with my partner of over a year. He has two kids, a 16 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. SD does EVERYTHING motherly for her brother. Their mother suffered PPD at the younger child's birth and my partner was and is a truck driver, so the majority of care fell on the then 10 yo SD.
She ran off when the kids were 12 and nearly 2. SD was left alone for long periods of time with SS and my partner acknowledges that SD is a parent to SS. She's very independent and mature. She dotes on SS. She feeds him, washes him, takes him to school/daycare, puts him to bed, everything. She is very protective and possessive about his care. For a while SS actually called SD mom but she trained him out of it. SD and SS share a room.
I have a 4 year old daughter. She could not care less about her. She's mean, snarky, and actively shuns her. She refuses to play with DD like she does SS. She'll make food for just herself and SS and not even offer DD any. DD is starting to pick up on it and asks me why they don't want to be her friend. 
What do I do?
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Wow strange dynamic.
Wow strange dynamic.
Honestly it seems as if your SD feels very similar to a SM. Here she has this child and raises him. But doesn't feel the same type of love for her half sibling.
Maybe you are expecting too much? Take it from her perspective. Or really from yours. Do you feel the same way for skids as you do your bio?
The mean and rude behavior is unnecessary but maybe she has tried to express she doesn't feel the same and hasn't been heard. So she is acting childish to push her point.
I feel bad for his kids
I feel bad for his kids (yours too, but not in the same way). She was effectively left alone to raise her brother at age 10? I'm guessing she has very little trust that you and your daughter will stick around, and if anything, you guys are a threat to what little relationship she has with her father. Your partner was and is a poor father. I know he had to work, but instead of finding another job where he could care for his children, knowing their mother couldn't/wouldn't, he just kept his truck driving job and left a 12-year-old to care for a 2-year-old?? It's a wonder that CPS didn't remove them.
You are going to have a hard time winning this SD over. I'd just avoid letting your DD be in any situation where she can feel left out of what they are doing.
She is basically
his mother so she has the same feelings a mother has for her child. She may also feel obligated to do everything for him and not trust anyone else to care for or protect him.
Might I suggest that they no longer share a room so that SD can be a teenager? And that the adults in her life take on some of those parenting responsibilities? It sounds like she is still the one doing everything for her brother which leads me to ask what the two adults in the home are doing while she cares for him.
Yes!
I'd also like to ask why OP is upset that a 16 year old is not willing to take on parenting duties for a second small child.
My partner is gone a majority
My partner is gone a majority of the time. I just moved in 3 months ago. He doesn't really know how to care for SS because "SD does that". Not knocking her, she does a good job. Both of them are generally polite and well mannered. SD has a particular schedule that doesn't leave time for me to interact with him. She gets him up and ready for school, takes him there, picks him up, takes him home immediately for dinner (or packs one), then straight to the local library for homework/study time, then it's bedtime as soon as they get home around 8:30.
There was an aunt that used to "pop in" to make sure there was food in the house but she stopped doing that once SD was 15. SD has free access to my partner's checking account for caring for SS and herself. She'll just text him what she's getting/doing and he'll approve it. She also gets a small personal allowance for free spending.
Your "partner"
is an asshat. And honestly, having worked for CASA for many years, this is abusive towards your SD. She is caring for this child because she has to. You even make an excuse that her schedule for the child doesn't allow you to interact with him. Why the hell does a 16 year old feel the need to have a schedule for her little brother? Why is she waking him up,bathing him, feeding him, etc? Why? Why aren't you stepping in and saying to your partner "Hey, your daughter shouldn't have to do all of these things!" Why? Are you just happy that you aren't being asked to do it?
I cannot imagine any woman being okay with this situation. Your SD should be out with her friends, going on dates, and generally having a good time and your complaint is that she isn't playing with your kid. Your complaint should be that she is expected to be your SS's parent.
I am pretty disgusted.
Also
why does she feel the need to go to the library instead of coming home and being comfortable?
I've heard from my partner
I've heard from my partner that "she doesn't like "other people" in her house" and "SS gets too distracted at home and it's hard for her to focus on her homework".
Why would you move in with a
Why would you move in with a man that is gone a majorityof the time?
I wonder if someone called CPS on the father and he needed to get an adult in the house or have the kid pulled from the home.
SD could in theory have her
SD could in theory have her own room but prefers to share due to past issues.
Decent Allowance?
Is it as much as it would cost to hire an after school babysitter? And now, you want her to look after your kid? Playing with your kid? Nope it is not playing, it babysitting. Take care of your own kid, and don't dump on your stepdaughter.
Your partner needs to step it
Your partner needs to step it up and be a parent. His kids technically don’t have parents...they have each other. That’s why SD is doing so much for her brother. You should definitely call SD out for being mean to your DD, but don’t expect DD to receive the same treatment as SS. Please re-evaluate this situation again and think about how you could help make this better if you plan to become a family. I feel like this issue falls on your partner.
Mean?
Or not cooking or babysitting for her kid? OP seems to think her SD should be the aupair?
Oh really? And when did she
Oh really? And when did she say that? Because all I read was that SD is mean and snarky to her daughter and doesn’t play with her, and she’s wondering what to do. SD happens to cook for SS but doesn’t include DD in it. She’s stating facts and explaining ways SD excludes her daughter. Nowhere does it say she wants her to babysit, be an Au pair, or even cook for her daughter. That’s quite a leap.
Settle down and stop being antagonistic to people asking for advice.
What OP says
OP says she is angry because the SD wont get her kid food or play with her kid. Please, at this age differnece, it is babysitting, not playing gotherther.
That’s not what she said. You
That’s not what she said. She said she’s mean and snarky to her daughter and the point is she excludes her. You’re twisting things.
So what? The girl doesn't
So what? The girl doesn't want to be bothered with the OP's kid. Chances are the SD has made it clear to the OP that she isn't interested in her kid and she keeps trying to force a relationship anyway.
I am still sitting here
shaking my head over this. Your idiot partner didn't change his employment after his first wife ran off? Hell, he didn't change it when his first wifewas suffering from a mental illness and a 10 year old was raising a newborn? Just how dumb is he? And again, why are you with him?
Right? This does NOT sound
Right? This does NOT sound like a "good man".
I think the way to win her
I think the way to win her over is to let her be a teenager. There must be a ton of stuff she lost out on or can't do because of her misplaced sense of responsiblitiy for her little brother. Give her short breaks to get a breather. Treat her like an overwhelmed mother.
I would call her on the way she treats your daughtr though. That's not right and she needs to put on notice that its not right.
Not right?
Are you saying not right to feed or babysit OP's kid? I disagree.
She doesn't like adults
She doesn't like adults (including her father) interacting with SS outside of school.
She'll pull him away if I try to to go do something.
Ok, I'll ask.
Ok, I'll ask.
Why would this teen have to cook and offer what she made with your 4yr old? You're here. Aren't you cooking meals for your kid? Aren't you "playing with" your kid and giving her loves and hugs?
The teen is and has already been Mommy to one kid for years. You're right there and present. Why expect the teen to meet your daughter's needs/wants? Who feed your daughter meals , played with her and gave her hugs a few months ago before you moved in with your BF and his kids?
And I don't much care for postings that start out one way and morf into lots of changes once questions start being asked. First the man is never home as he trucks.Ok. But now he's home every evening. Ok. But then why is his daughter still making meals , doing homework with and putting her brother to bed every night? If he works overnight and sleeps all day it might make sense the 16yr old does the morning routine and gets brother of to school... but what is the excuse for after school and all evenings until 8:30pm?
Your BF may have moved you and your kid in with him, but that doesn't mean this young lady must now also take your kid on.
He leaves around 4pm.
He leaves around 4pm.
Can't believe I'm being crucified for trying to make a simpler post and then elaborate later. I'm sure all of you would have read an insanely long post with every little detail.
Yes, his schedule is different than it was SIX years ago. He's trying to be a good parent. SD refused and refuses to tell anyone anything that doesn't benefit her. There was a lot hidden from him because SD ACTIVELY wanted it hidden.
It might not be because she’s
It might not be because she’s her step sister. My neice is the same way. She adores my DD and her other small cousins, but isn’t really a fan of other toddlers. But she’s been there with them for all their lives you know? Maybe she just haven’t had the time to come to “love” your daughter like she loves her brother.
Or or she could just be evil, who knows?? Time will tell
If this man doesn't have time
If this man doesn't have time to actually parent, how the hell did he find time to date and cultivate a relationship?
Internet dating?
Driving a truck overnight leaves a lot of time to be able to chitchat on the phone. Maybe they met on a dating site?
I'm not getting
I'm not getting the feeling that someone would have to do a lot of "courting" before the OP would be willing to start moving her child and worldly possessions into their home. If she said "yes" to this guy, I would hate to see the guys she turned away! Yikes...... We have had some real winners described on here but this one takes the prize.
But how do yoy up and move
But how do you up and move your kid into a home with a man you barely know?
I can kinda understand taking a blind leap of faith when you are the only one involved. But when you child that will be forced to leap with you, you tend to be a bit more cautious.
I wonder if the OP's daughter has a SM. If so, it would be interesting to hear the SM's take on the child being moved into the home of a man the mom barely got to know.