A little background, I haven't discussed my intentions to divorce with my H. I still have to get some affairs in order and should be all set in a few weeks. As horrible as my H is, I decided to bide that time trying to establish as best a base to continue with him as possible.  I have always been one of those people who puts up for far too long and then completely cuts off contact and, since we have 2 young kids, I know that is not possible here. We need to get to a point where we are at least civil. So we went to the gym together one day. The next day H is splayed out on the couch... his back hurts, his arms, he is queasy and so tired. I had already fed and walked the dogs, cared for the chickens and the rabbit... fed our toddlers, gotten them bathed and dressed... done some laundry, cleaned up a bit. My useless MIL (who free loads in my house) is staring off into space, H is scrolling around Facebook from his horizontal throne. I offered to take DDs out for a little hike so H could rest in peace. Nope, hubs wants to come and so does MIL. I get the kids bundled, run to the store for something (with both kids), get back home, walk dogs again, wait for H and MIL to get into the car and off we go. H is his usual critical self. The route I take, how I drive, etc. While walking, I am pushing the stroller -both kids are out and I'm trying to keep them from running amok ... H and MIL are strolling along without a care. While showing DD4 something DD2 tries to run off and drown herself in a stream (as 2yr olds are sometimes inclined) and I must have sighed or moved my head wrong because H, not yelling but in a raised tone, says "What is your problem? Do you want me to take her?"... then... oh then, he barks at me "Speak!".  My whole world went red.  There were strangers around, it was like I could feel them looking at us. In a near demonic voice I said 'If you ever speak to me like you are commanding a dog again, I don't care what the consequences are, I will knock you right the fuck out before you even know what hit you.' Walked the rest of the trail and drove home in silence.  That night I had a dream...

H is always "prepping". I have long joked that it is for the zombie apocalypse. That night, in my dream, the zombies came. I dressed and packed my kids, grabbed the go bags, helped H find his choice of clothes and shoes and off we set. I carried all the bags and occasionally both kids, H walked along freely, live posting updates on Facebook. I kept telling H to look out for that root, that rock, etc. We were walking a narrow trail on the edge of a cliff. Watching H's steps in front of me while his face was buried in his screen, I paid no attention to mine and I slipped. I pushed my kids up the ledge and held on to a sharp rock near the top, the weight of the bags pulling me backwards and I screamed for H to get the kids or to help me- I can't remember but my tone was abrupt and urgent. H's face appeared over the ledge - the sun behind him casting like a halo... then the sky turned black and played ugly shadows over H's face as he barked at me "What do you want me to do?"... "SPEAK!". For a moment, I try to think. I could tell H I have fallen off the cliff and he needs to pull me up (obvious) and then lavish upon him the praise I know he will demand for saving me. He will never observe my needs. He will never not be disrespectful and cruel. I could tell my kids I love them and let myself fall (kind of my go to the last few years, allowing myself to become more and more depressed)... so dream me, fueled by the sheer rage of taking no more shit, sprang up the cliff face with superhuman speed and strength and promptly beat H to death with my bare fists. 

Lol. Not sure what to take from this but I found my subconscious very interesting. 

Btw, I am the most passive- non violent person you could know. It was just a dream.