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Finances, just a rant

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Sat, 01/12/2019 - 5:19pm

DH and I have combined finances. We always have and for us it isn't a problem. I have recommended to others on here that they separate their fiances but for us, combined works.

My problem of late has been that SD told DH she was upset that DH and I say that "we" put her and SS through school.

SD has told DH that I have never made enough to support her and SS during school and that it was his money that supported her. That she wants me to stop telling people I supported her financially.

Now, I know this is coming from BM. BM is embarrassed that she never gave her kids a penny when they were in school. In fact at one point SD was living with her during the school year and BM wanted DH to pay rent!  For her own child! Her reasoning was that if SD was living with friends he'd pay her rent so he should just continue to pay SDs rent regardless of where she lived!?! As it was we still gave SD money for gas and food.

We have a small construction company and he does the actual physical labor. He also gets the jobs, he has the connections and he orders his own supplies. I do the paperwork and everything else. Now, DH has always been in construction and has always made very good money. Until the last few years I worked in an office and made substantially less than DH. My standard of living didn't change (we lived well below our means) but the pressure was definitely off when DH and got together. Recently we purchased a large expensive home, because all the kids were done school and are living on their own we finally have the money for a mortgage.

If DH and BM had never divorced and BM had made the same kind of money I made as well as run their small business, SD would never in a million years think that it was her Dads money that put her through school. She'd never say "Well, Mom you never made enough money to support me, we all know it was Dad who earned all the money."

Why is my marriage not given the same consideration? Why am I the one who is lucky to have found DH and lucky that he shares his income with me? Why am I measured on my financial contributions only? I am the one who has managed our money, invested it, and saved it. I am the reason we are able to survive only on our company income but I'm lucky that I don't have to work at another outside job?

AAARRRGGG

Comments

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Sat, 01/12/2019 - 5:32pm

How does SD even know what you make in order to say it wasn't enough to support her?  I hope your husband told her to stop flapping her mouth and give you a big thank you for all you've done for her.  I cannot understand these ingrate kids who find it so difficult to accept (and be gracious about) the fact that a SM actually helped to support them.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 01/12/2019 - 5:38pm

So, SD said what she said to your DH, what did he tell her? I hope he set her straight.

Your SD obviously has no idea what a partnership is. My SD had no idea, either, until she was married and her husband was an asshole.Then, she told DH that she wished she had a marriage like ours.

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Sun, 01/13/2019 - 1:28am

I totally feel your pain -- everything you wrote hit a note with me.

But after experiencing the same frustration for many years, I have resigned to the situation. You know, it doesn't really matter what these SDs think about our finances. Who cares if she thinks it was just her daddy who paid her way? It's just a bunch of noise you have to tune out. If your SD is anything like mine, you'll never get credit for anything, so keeping score of how often you don't get credit is sort of a waste of time.

You don't have to justify your contribution to your household or your SD. You know what you contributed. Don't let that noise get in your head. If it ever comes up with her, don't be shy about setting SD straight, but otherwise, just tune her out. She doesn't deserve your attention. And cross your fingers karma is a real thing.

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Sun, 01/13/2019 - 4:02pm

Thanks Marblefawn. You are so right. It's just not as easy as it should be to get it out of my head.

I guess my thing is that I never justified my being a SAHM in my first marriage. I never had to, no one questioned why I didn't work or our decision for me to stay at home with our kids, or if they did, they never said anything to my face.

If it does come up with SD I will say something. I'm not one to let remarks go without comment, even when it's better if I did.

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Mon, 01/14/2019 - 8:40am

Training your head to remove the noise is the best thing you can do for yourself because you can use that skill in many applications...and you'll need it with skids.

I was laid off a few months after we married. It didn't matter at the time -- we were moving abroad with my husband's job for several years, so I would have quit anyway. But those years out of the country, the Internet, the '08 financial crisis all came together and my industry disappeared on the local level so when I came back, there was no job for me. My SD made digs about working, she frequently bad-mouthed her aunt who doesn't work outside the home (SD's way of commenting on MY situation), she dumped on when I needed it least...all that noise didn't make losing my career, confidence and income any easier.

I've since developed a small business as a contract worker working from home. It ain't much, but it's what I can do. I've never received a "thanks" from SD for a gift or anything else (even before we were married when the gift was clearly only from me). It doesn't matter that we've combined all our finances -- in SD's eyes, I'm a freeloader.

The only way to deal with it is to just remove yourself from it -- I haven't seen nor spoken to SD in more than 2 years. I can't care what she thinks because I don't have enough confidence in reserve to battle her. And why should I? I don't think well of SD and I doubt she loses a moment's sleep because of it. That has to be in the back of your head when those thoughts creep in: your skids would LOVE knowing how miserable you are or that they're causing you to second guess yourself. Don't give them that.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Sun, 01/13/2019 - 1:28am

I agree with pickles - it is absolutely NONE of her business how you as a couple arrange your finances and how dare she comment on it?  I would not be silent over this.  

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Sun, 01/13/2019 - 3:58pm

Thank you all for your responses.

We are pretty open about our finances. We don't come right out and say what our income is but SD is 30 and she knows what my field pays. BM has told SD how much DH brought in when they were together and so SD thinks she knows what our ratio of income is. They also know what we paid for our house. We are open mostly because we think it's a good thing to talk to all our kids about fiances, credit, investing and living within your means. It has paid off because all of our kids are fiscally responsible. They all have jobs and save and invest and take care of themselves pretty well.

DH did shut SD down pretty quickly. I wasn't there but he did tell her that our finances are combined and that it's not his money paying for her and SS and my money paying for my kids. It all goes into the pot and then gets divvied up. He also told her that my money management abilities are what allowed us to give her any money and still have a good life ourselves. He pointed out that we live almost debt free (we only have a mortgage payment), while most people are up to their eyeballs in debt. That was a passive aggressive dig at BM, he probably shouldn't have but sometimes you just can't help yourself.

SD commented on it because BM is angry that we are telling people that also know her that we (DH and I) put her kids through Uni. She feels that what we are really saying is that she, BM did nothing while I, SM paid for her kids. It all goes back to a party in the summer. BM has complained and talked SDs ear off about the things that were said at that party that made BM look bad. So, while we never did talk about BM, it was the implications that we made that upset her! Welcome to life with a HCBM and an enmeshed SD!

MarbleFawn, you are absolutely right! I do need to tune it all out. It's just harder to do than I thought it would be. It's been bothering me lately and I just don't know how to get it out of my head.

I suppose it's because BM and SD aren't the only ones who think that way. Lots of people think that when the second wife doesn't work it's because she's somehow connived and convinced her DH that he should take care of her. I don't find that people say that about a first marriage.

I was talking about this with a sort of friend the other day. She said she understood what SD and BM were saying, the same as CG seems to think, that it was DHs money, not mine really. She and her husband have been married over 30 years and they own a vacation property. I asked her if the vacation place was paid for with her money or her husbands money. He makes significantly more than she does and always has. So, obviously it was her DHs money that paid for it, right? She got it then and we had a pretty good talk about how people look at second marriages differently.