I don’t know why I hate my teenage stepdaughter
I guess I’m here asking for advice after trying to find the answer on the internet. In summary I have this underlying burning hatred for my 17yr old stepdaughter. I’ve been her stepdad since she was 5.
Her biological dad has been very involved in her life. The custody schedule was that we had her Mon-Friday and her dad got her on weekends. For the last year she lives with us full time. I guess my SD hates her real dad because he is more controlling than I am? Her mom and I also have a son together.
I would say our lives together have been very cookie cutter, but I’ve also felt this growing hatred towards my SD. I don’t know why, or at least I don’t know what chain of events has caused me to feel this way. Maybe it’s because I bottle up everything and voice my opinions through her mom instead of being a parent and having these discussions with my SD? I always felt I was in a lose lose situation if I ever attempted to discipline my SD directly. What I mean is that in my mind I felt like she doesn’t really see me as her dad but more like the guy who is married to her mom. If I say something I know my wife to well and my wife will say I’m picking on our daughter. Basically my wife will always pick her daughter over me, which is expected. I also fear when I do say something it will worsen our already complex relationship with my SD. Overall, she’s a good kid, but I feel like I’m a horrible human being for not being able to love her like I do my son.
She got into drugs, let her grades slip, lied to us, let boys “use” her, and it’s been about a year now since this all came to light and addressed, and it appears my SD has learned from her mistakes. A lot of her freedoms have been taken away, no longer does she hang with the same crowd, and she’s working part time now too. I think it was a combination of just being a teenager and this is just part of growing up. Now she is getting ready for college. I’m am incredibly critical of her more than ever now. I basically treat her like an adult and expect her to have common sense. Examples, like not showering in the middle of the night to avoid waking up her brother (she blast her music when showering and his room is next to their bathroom), making food in the middle of the night, clean her damn room, put her phone down for two seconds to have a conversation, pick up after herself, etc, etc, you guys know basic teenager stuff. The things she does that drive me the craziest is when she comes home sometimes late from work and she will sit in the driveway up to 10 minutes staring at her phone. Even as I read that last sentence it reads to me I’m just finding an excuse to be critical of her about.
Honestly, I feel like I’m living with a shitty roommate and I’m to passive to speak up. I don’t know why. I hate being so critical of her, I know she’s just a dumb teen, shoot I was likely the exact same way. Is the reason why I despise her is because I hate teenagers or I hate her? Maybe I hate myself because I was kind of like that when I was a teenager? I don’t want to be such a dick, but it’s hard for me to let these things go. Is it because I’m not her biological father I expect her to act like an adult when in fact she’s just a kid? As step parents do we lack the unconditional love for our stepchildren? Anyone else been there done that? Advice?
Sorry for the long rant, thank you guys.
.... I sit in my car on my
.... I sit in my car on my phone sometimes.....
“Basically my wife will
“Basically my wife will always pick her daughter over me, which is expected”
And there in rests the problem.
You and your DW are equity life partners. Nothing comes before the marriage and each other. Including spawn of any parenting flavor. Hers, yours or shared. They never trump the equity life partners.
Certainly minor children are and should be the top marital responsibility but then never take priority over the marriage.
I suggest that you immediately and aggressively dive in to that truth with your bride. The problem is not SD-17. The problem is your wife.
SD-17 will no longer be a minor fairly shortly and at that point she is no longer even a minor marital responsibility much less a major one. Unless her behavior earns itZ. Time to season your bride in that fact and on the fact that the world as SD-17 knows it is about to change. No more StepDad biting his tongue or abdicating his authority to mom. She will be treated as an adult and any issues will be dealt with directluly and not with mommy’s mitigation.
It is the behaviors and the impact on your family, the shitty example she is to your young son, and the interference in your marriage that she represents that you hate.
I suggest that you immediately post the standards of reasonable behavior that she must comply with and immediately start enforcing those standards with escalating age appropriate consequences for any choice she makes to violate those standards. If your bride does not like how you parent and discipline her nearly adult prior relationship progeny then she can step up and get it done before you have to.
Pull the emotion and angst out of the picture and address it as you would any other problem.
This model has worked well for my bride and I.
Good luck.
Well, first off, your wife
Well, first off, your wife should NOT put her first above you - your marriage should come first. And while I agree that you should not discipline her, it just creates trouble, your wife should care about your input and should care about her daughter having appropriate parenting. It's always a red flag when a kid wants to live with one parent over the other because the other one is "too controlling." Sounds like dad has rules and mom doesn't and she'd prefer not live with the parent who has rules - which says a lot about how your wife parents (or doesn't, as the case may be).
Secondly, teenagers are annoying, and teenage girls are especially annoying. People struggle to like their own teenagers, much less ones that they don't have a parent-child bond with. The good news is, yours is working, planning to go to college (away from home I hope), and showing some signs of maturity.
Odd phrasing
Did this anger at your SD start when boys started to “use” her? Also, why did you say “her mother and I have a son” instead of “my wife and I”.
I think maybe you should see a counselor to untangle this growing rage mixed with whatever is making you feel powerless. Low self esteem, maybe? Being angry because someone needs a few minutes to relax in quiet after work is not healthy for you. I often sit in my car because I am not ready to face the noise and activity from the dogs and cats.
Clarify
Just to clarify, is there anything your SD is actually doing currently that is inappropriate? It seems she’s going to school, working and preparing for college. Is she overtly rude? Lazy with housework? Has she stopped visiting her father on weekends or do you just “feel” that there’s tension between them?
Oh, dear. You could be my SD
Oh, dear. You could be my SD's stepdad! She has refused to come to her dad's house for two years because of his "controlling" rules. Her mom doesn't encourage her to do anything she doesn't want to, so she happily lets her do whatever she wants at her home 24/7. I'm sure the SF over there is going nuts!!
Even the best behaved teens can test us. Throw in drug use and other irresponsible choices and it's not weird that you can't stand her. At 17, she should know better than to make loud noises/ messes in the middle if the night. Her mom has failed you and her by letting her get away with this junk. She can't do well in school if she's up half the night screwing around.
In some instances you are
In some instances you are being overly critical, such as the phone. But it seems as if you were pushed to this point due to lack of parenting by your wife.
First, take back your home. Set rules such as no middle of the night bullshit.
And then force those rules to be followed. If you pay for the cell phone, shut it off. When asked point to the rules and walk away. Once the rules are followed turn it back on.
In a sense you are conditioning them.
But I agree with the others. You have a wife issue. And until that is fixed your SD will continue to be an extension of her poor decisions.
I don't know...but I will
I don't know...but I will tell you that I always got along beautifully with my YSD until she hit about 15. Like you, I'd been in her life since she was 5, seriously dating her dad since she was 8...married when she was 9 about to turn 10.
We bonded quickly and naturally...and I had such trouble with her older sister that she was like a little breath or fresh air or burst of sunshine.
When she hit 15, I started feeling this growing animosity toward her that really bothered me...and then it became nearly unbearable by the time she was 17...her last year with us / senior year of high school I found her nearly intolerable. You can read some of my blogs about it and see if it seems familiar...it probably will.
I found her simultatneously far too childish for her age and also acting like a total know-it-all in some ways.
I think kids at this age are just universally hard to tolerate. My mom used to joke that it's nature's way of making parents hate their kids enough to be ready for them to go.
My YSD is now 18...will be 19 this spring...and she's mostly settled back out into a likable person. My advice is grit your teeth / grin and bear it and then push her out the door!