What having a SM has taught me....
Since I have myself I have experienced some things that I never want to do to my skid. As much as my skid annoys me I wouldn't want to hurt her like my SM does me. I have always been respectful of my SM and her relationship with my dad. I try not to ask them for anything. Actually I usually only take help from them if they offer it. I quit doing that though b/c a lot of times that is used against me to justify other crappy behavior on my SMs behalf. Having a SM has taught me that I do not want my skid to feel like she makes me feel. I always try very hard to treat my skid right. I just come here to complain, lol, and mainly my complaints are really about DH and BM and thier inability to parent.
Anyways, my newest complaint about my SM. Last night was my son's bday. Her and my dad tried to come over on Sunday to give him his gift but I let them know I wouldn't be home b/c it was super bowl Sunday and we had plans. My dad said they would just stop by on Monday then (my son's actual birthday). Okay, cool! Well he shows up last night with no SM in tow. Honestly I could care less that she wasn't there b/c she makes me anxious/uncomfortable anyways but when he explained why I was pretty irritated. Apparently her favorite grandson had a basketball game that she couldn't miss or be a few minutes late too. It isn't like he is a star player. He NEVER starts and is basically a bench warmer. Now again, I could care less that she decided to go there instead of my house but the part that makes me mad is that she was pissed at my dad for skipping the game to come see his own grandson on his bday. I know my dad shouldn't have told me that part. I am actually a little bit proud of him for finding his balls breifly and telling her that he was going to skip the game to see my kid but really?!?!
Okay, vent over!
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Yeah, your dad shouldn't have
Yeah, your dad shouldn't have told you that.
So that's a perfect example of people here feeling undermined by their spouse with the skids. He should have said, "Oh, Johnny had a basketball game and she didn't want to miss it because he's starting tonight! But she sends her happy birthday wishes to DS!"
He played the victim and undermined your relationship with your SM even more.
I agree... sometimes we don't
I agree... sometimes we don't need to know ever detail. Your dad actually created more resentment.. and kind of pulled you into his relationship.. which even adult skids don't need.
Yup. Made SM look like the
Yup. Made SM look like the bad guy, when many of us would choose a bio grandkid's game over a stepgrandkid's b-day too.
Agreed ESMOD, I actually told
Agreed ESMOD, I actually told him not to long ago not to tell me what his wife says/thinks of me anymore b/c he always does this and I know that she can't stand me even though I try not to burden her with anything. It definitely creates more resentment.
Sounds like your dad has
Sounds like your dad has helped create and perpetuate alot of the problems between you and your SM.
He could have just stopped by and said SM had another commitment but that she sends her love.
You are correct. If he didn
You are correct. If he didn't relay EVERY SINGLE thing that I do that bothers her I wouldn't know the difference. He does allow her to control him but that is his choice. I think some of the information he relays is because he wants me to change to appease her and not upset her again with whatever it was that I did. However it isn't helping the relationship. It just makes me not want to spend time with either of them.
I’d also wonder...
...if some of the information he relays is to keep up the conflict between the two of you. Maybe he likes being in the middle. When someone tells me something and it feels like it’s none of my business or I didn’t need to know that, I always try to figure out what angle they’re playing.
If your dad doesn’t want conflict between you and your SM then he should try to smooth things over, not ignite them.
My MIL is extremely manipulative and I could totally see her say something like this. It just makes me want to avoid her.
StrugglingSM, I don't think
StrugglingSM, I don't think that is the case. I think my dad is just an idiot sometimes because he is always trying to make sure I know how much she cares and how "helping" with this or that was her idea.
Thanks for posting. Often the
Thanks for posting. Often the skids are acting out for a reason. Their actual parents fucked up. We as SMs have to respect that they are scared. As much as I cant stand SD16, I do stick up for her when DH is sucking at parenting. She is a hurt & angry little girl who I hope in time chills out a little and realizes that her shit does stink.
My baby brother is a social worker and I look up to him so much for his patience and kindness with children. He told me once that every behavior is to fill a need. If you can figure out what that need is you can often stop the behavior. He works with foster kids so these kids are truly down and out and have it bad...even worse than the poor skids.
Advice
I’m going to take your brother’s advice, too. Every behavior fills a need. I like that!
Chmmy, you are right, and I
Chmmy, you are right, and I know that my SD's issues are all a result of BM and DH. My kids aren't perfect either. I come here to vent but I do care about her. I don't want to see her hurt and I certainly don't want to be the one that causes her hurt.
IDK, I am a step kid so I try to see things from all angles as
well but perhaps they already had the plans to see her grandsons game which was probably set to do before they found out that you weren't available to see on Sunday. So perhaps your fathers poor planning wasn't allowed to become her emergency? And perhaps she was pissed that they had plans to attend her grandsons game and then he was forced to change his plans to accommodate seeing you and your son? Who cares if the kid sucks at basketball, it sounds like you are mad at SM but maybe you need to talk to your father about allowing his adult kid in to his adult relationship when they should be kept separate.
I didn't force my dad to come
I didn't force my dad to come see my son. I didn't force him to change plans with her. I just don't think she should be so upset that he decided to see HIS grandson on his grandson's bday instead of a basketball game. He has gone to almost every other basketball game for her grandson.
You are right though, he needs to not involve me in their drama, that is his problem and not mine.
I wonder if your dad is
I wonder if your dad is stoking the flames between you and your SM. If he dishes about her to you, then I’d be wondering what he tells her about you? Before I disengaged from SD, I often wondered if DH was purposely setting us at odds. He may not have even noticed that that was what he was doing. I think he just liked being in the middle.
This!!! Some people like the
This!!! Some people like the conflict, it's weird but they do.
Agree
I just said the same thing above, before I got to your comment. When someone is trying to play people off one another they either like being in the middle or they are trying to get away with something.
I don't know if that is the
I don't know if that is the case. I don't understand why he would want us to not like each other. I have honestly tried to disengage from them.
My SM isn't completely innocent though. She is even this way towards her own grandkids. She blocked my step sisters husband on fb b/c he got upset that she invited her favorite grandkids over to bake cookies and not his kids (his kids brought it up b/c she had plastered it on fb). Those are her own bio grandkids and they live 1 street over from her. My step sister even gets the different treatment. SM doesn't really hide her favoritism in any way.
If you two like each other,
If you two like each other, then you have a relationship with each other that doesn't involve him. For some people, they don't want to feel excluded and they will cause conflict to keep themselves relevant.
Pickles' SO is like this. He specifically prevents Pickles and SD from forming a good relationship. It wouldn't surprise me that other people do it, too.
lieutenant_dad, I don't hate
lieutenant_dad, I don't hate my SM but I'm not her biggest fan either. I don't need a relationship with her outside of family events. She has her own kids. I have my own mom. She married my dad when I was 26. I never lived with them and never tried to come between them. I was actually really happy when my dad started dating her b/c he had been single for so long. In a lot of ways she has made him a better person. I try not to ask them for much. I live 5 minutes away from them and don't even ask them to watch my kids b/c I know she doesn't want to.
I do agree that my dad prevents us from having a better relationship by telling me these things. I think he is just stupid and venting about being controlled (she is pretty controlling, it is her way or no way, even her kids know this). Or maybe he enjoys the conflict. I don't know.
Here’s another thing to consider…
if he’s telling you every little thing about SM, all the bad, I think it’s very possible he does the same to SM. I wonder if he goes back & tells SM your reaction to her not being there. Clearly he’d leave out talking about SM too. I wonder how often this sort of thing happens? & why? Is he jealous of the potential relationship you could have with your SM? This is definitely an example of no one is innocent & every single person plays a part in the relationship that is formed. Sorry your dad is doing this, likely to both of you. Maybe try to talk to SM, see if that’s what’s been going on. Then the question is, what to do if it is.
Well he wouldn't really have
Well he wouldn't really have much to report back to her. I wasn't upset that she didn't come over. I just asked where she was and he said "grandkid's basketball game and she's upset I didn't go with her and didn't want me to come later"....so there isn't anything to report to her.
I think my dad is just venting b/c he is in a very controlling relationship. However, that is on him, if he doesn't like it he needs to stand up for himself.
I don't want to talk to her because I really don't care if we have a relationship at this point. I don't even have a great relationship with my dad anymore either. I live 5 minutes from him. We moved to their town so they could "help" but they never watch my kids or help really. Actually my step sister's mom (on my mom's side) watches my son daily.
So, perfect example of an
So, perfect example of an adult skid (OP) blaming SM when their father is the actual problem SMDH LOL- CLASSIC! However you SM treated you is directly related to how effed up your dad is and how dealt with things-HE brought the rift between you, keeps it going and CLEARLY enjoys it.
I know this is a site where
I know this is a site where we complain about skids and such but yeah I think it is pretty shitty that my SM is mad at my dad for wanting to see his bio grandkid on his bday. I agree and noted that my dad shouldn't have told me that but I still don't find SM's actions justifiable. My SM makes it clear in many other ways - not via my dad - that she doesn't care for my family. That is fine. I didn't say my dad had nothing to do with this but she is no saint either.
You only know that she is
You only know that she is supposedly “mad” because your dad said that. It could be exaggeration (she might be upset with his lack of planning ) or it could be his tactic of keeping you two at each other hair. Ton of people say their spouse is mad at them when it’s not even true
You're right, I only know
You're right, I only know what my father told me, as in EVERY single post on here you get ONE side. The side you know. Yes, you are absolutely correct he could have played us against each other. I don't know.
But did your dad start the
But did your dad start the conversation with SM as "Simpleton will be mad at me if I don't go TODAY"? That would make SM mad at you, even though it's not something you told him at all.
I have no way of knowing that
I have no way of knowing that. I do know that my dad knows that I wouldn't be pissed if he didn't come over seeing as I didn't invite him. They told me they were going to come over on Sunday (I didn't make that invite either). I told them that we already had plans and that wouldn't work and they could come over on Monday (his actual bday) IF THEY WANTED TO. I wouldn't have been mad if they said they already had plans and wanted to come another day. The ONLY thing that made me mad was that she was pissed that he chose to see my son his biological grandson instead of watching another game of her grandson's. That is what I was told. I am not psychic and I have already stated in OP and many other times that my dad was wrong for that as well.
If someone tells you
If someone tells you something negative about a person, or partial truths about someone, you have negative thoughts and mistrust for that person.
If someone speaks of a person with respect and is positive about that person, your response will be respect and trust.
Seriously think about this!
My DH betrayed me in the same way to SD, that your Dad did his wife to you. Guess what? I have no respect or trust in neither DH or SD58. DH and I have been married 39 years. Six years ago SD threw her Dad under the bus and sent me a two page hate email about years of betrayal, between her and her Dad towards me. SD couldn't wait to let me know all of the details.
Well DH is forever in the dog house, SD is totally out, and our retirement years are not the fun they should be, all because of verbal betrayal.
Sad!
P.S. I had two Sm's and never showed a moment's disrespect or verbal betrayal. My Father would have never allowed it.
Sammigirl, you are right, I
Sammigirl, you are right, I didn't say what my dad did was right but how is everyone here justifying her expecting him to not see his own grandson on his bday if that is what he wanted to do. I do think that this is a sign of him being very weak and it doesn't help the relationship at all. However, I am never disrespectful to my SM and would never do what you just described your SD doing. I know that it is my dad's choice to be with her and put up with it and yes I only know his side. She has been in my life for over 10 years though and I haven't intentionally done anything to cause her to dislike me.
I bet your dad speaks poorly
I bet your dad speaks poorly of you to SM if he speaks poorly of her to you. What the. Yet another case of a guy throwing his wife under the bus to either appease his adult kid or deflect (bet he and SM had plans to do something and he changed the plans and now it’s SMs fault). Or whatever other twisted agenda he has to make his wife look bad and to cause drama. Shame
Well if he speaks poorly of
Well if he speaks poorly of me to her also that is on him. Telling me that wasn't appeasing me in anyway. I would rather have not known that she got pissed that he wanted to see his grandson on his birthday. I didn't care that she wasn't there.
You said you were irritated
You said you were irritated that SM went to her kids game. Now you said you don’t care. Which one is it
LOL, you seem like you enjoy
LOL, you seem like you enjoy trying to call people out but maybe you should read a little better and actually process it. Read again. I've stated clearly several times which one it is!
So... Either you "couldn't
So... Either you "couldn't care less" that she came over with your dad, or you're "pretty irritated" and "pissed off" that she didn't come. You can't have it both ways. You hate her, but you expect her to show up for your kid? That's...strange. You shouldn't even know that your SM argued with her husband about changing plans last minute. Your dad should not have shared that with you and I'm guessing it's not the first or 101st time he's pulled this shit. Any problems you have with your SM are most likely a direct result of your dad stirring the pot and talking out both sides of his mouth. Some men like it when two women are "fighting" for him, and a few are sick enough to include their daughters in the triangle.
This!!!!
This!!!!
i think she is pissed that her dad
does not come. i dont think she cares if Sm comes.
Exactly, if they actually
Exactly, if they actually read it that would be clear but I'm getting bashed for being upset with my SM. Yes, I get it, my dad is to blame also b/c he shouldn't have told me that she was pissed off over this. However, no matter how you spin it I don't think it is justifiable for her to expect him to miss his grandson's bday to watch her grandson play basketball.
So just so we are all clear here. Not that it matters. I don't think my dad should have done what he did either. Also my main point was I don't want to be this way ever towards my SD.
You really have no idea what
You really have no idea what your SM us upset about, but you are pissed at her for arguing with your dad.
Your SM hasn't been anything "toward" you in this situation. She didn't speak to you or about you. What, exactly, are you hoping to avoid with your own SD? You have described your dad's choices and words. If THAT is the behavior you don't want to emulate, awesome! I agree.
I get it we have to defend
I get it we have to defend SMs here beebeel. I think you and LivingOutLoud are either really tainted by dealing with an adult SD or just can't comprehend why this is upsetting. That is fine but you do not know all the details of the 12 years she has been in my life and many other times she has treated me and my family crappy so yes I was upset that she didn't want my dad to see his grandson on his bday. I think that is wrong. If someone got upset with you for chosing to see your actual biological child or grandchild instead of going and watching their child/grandchild would you be okay with that? I don't see how it is justifiable and yes I only know what my dad said. Based on how my SM acts towards me all the time I believe it even though he was in the wrong also.
In regards to my own SD I don't want to ever make her feel like she isn't really family or important which is how my SM treats me and my family on a regular. I also hope that my DH isn't stupid enough to tell my SD things like this although I would never expect him to miss his daughter's or grandkids bday over a basketball game that happens every week.
Dad came. She was irritated
Dad came. She was irritated that SM didn’t come
Wrong and Wrong. Learn to
Wrong and Wrong. Learn to actually read!
Maybe I didn't word my OP
Maybe I didn't word my OP correctly, I'll go back and check but if you read it the way I meant it to read the part I was irritated and pissed about was that she expected him not to show up for his grandson's bday. Not that she wasn't there. I just asked where she was. I really did not care that she didn't show.
That’s what you said:
That’s what you said: “Honestly I could care less that she wasn't there b/c she makes me anxious/uncomfortable anyways but when he explained why I was pretty irritated. Apparently her favorite grandson had a basketball game that she couldn't miss or be a few minutes late too. It isn't like he is a star player. He NEVER starts and is basically a bench warmer”
You were irritated that she went to her kids game (bench warmer kid, not a star -insert eye rolls) instead of seeing your kid.
Good job copying only 1/2 of
Good job copying only 1/2 of the actual statement to try to prove your point here is the rest: "Now again, I could care less that she decided to go there instead of my house but the part that makes me mad is that she was pissed at my dad for skipping the game to come see his own grandson on his bday. I know my dad shouldn't have told me that part. "
So yeah, believe what you want livingoutloud. I can't help that you have trouble reading.
Show up for what? A party? A
Show up for what? A party? A meal? I've reread your posts several times and it appears this was a brief gift drop. Did you invite your dad and sm to a celebration?
I guess I need to do an
I guess I need to do an update for everyone here or an edit. I didn't have a party planned. My dad and SM invited themselves over to do a gift drop on Sunday. I told them I wasn't available that day. My dad said they would stop by on Monday. Okay. He showed up on Monday without her. I asked where she was only b/c he said they were both coming. He explained to me in the way I have repeated many times and yes I only have his version.
I really didn't think I would get bashed because of this but if that makes you all feel better have at it.
As a wife, I can understand
As a wife, I can understand being upset if my DH decided to change plans last minute to do a gift drop, which could be done at any time. You can choose to be pissed off at a woman for disagreeing with her husband, but you wouldn't even know about it had your dad not overshared their business. Either your dad is a fool, or he wants you to be upset with your SM, making himself feel like he's "right" ...to hell with how it makes you feel. You should be upset with your dad. But like many dysfunctional family members, you are scapegoating the SM. Who, again, didn't even speak to you or about you concerning any of this.
I agree with that. If they
I agree with that. If they had plans and he broke him that is on him. I didn't make him do anything. You don't know if that is the case either. You are just assuming that is the case because all SMs are obviously just sweet and caring and misunderstood. I am also a SM, a BM, a COD, a wife, etc. I did say multiple times and even in the OP that my dad shouldn't have told me that. But lets all defend my saint stepmom and assume that the other 1/2 of the story is absolutely that she is the victim. How do you know she didn't speak about me? How do you know what she said to my dad. All assumptions.
I have the same creds as a
I have the same creds as a COD, SD, SM, BM. My mom likes to overshare about the crap that goes on/went on in her marraiges. It has nothing to do with me, so I don't let it upset me. I have asked her to stop oversharing because I don't appreciate her attempts to manipulate me into ganging up on my dad/SF.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be defending your SM from? Having a disagreement with her husband? I have third-hand information on that, so that's a tough one. i do believe every wife has that right, however, and it's really no one else's business and no need for anyone outside of the marraige to take sides.
You said I am using my mom as
You said I am using my mom as a scapegoat when I should be mad at my dad. I did state that what he did was wrong as well. Also you assumed several times that he cancelled plans with her for me. Maybe she last minute decided to attend the game after my dad made plans to stop by. I feel like I have a right to be upset that she didn't want my dad to come see his grandson on his bday when that is what my dad wanted to do. Yes, I only know that because my dad overshared and yes maybe he didn't share everything. I'm not making assumptions like everyone else here just going on what my dad overshared which obviously on this site makes him a worthless POS dad.
My mom and dad both overshare. My mom constantly tries to make herself the victim of my SM but I don't buy into that or treat my SM poorly b/c of that. That is my mom's insecurity. I do feel like this had to do with me when my SM was mad that he chose to come see my son instead of her grandson.
You have 3rd hand information on the whole story (and I only have 1 side) but still assume that my dad was the only person in the wrong. Maybe she made last minute plans to go to her grandson's game...who knows...we all only know what I relayed and that is only 1 side and 3rd hand for all of you. Just like any other post on this forum.
I guess I just don't appreciate some responders acting as if I am just some bratty adult skid and my SM is a saint when they only know 1 story and just assume the rest!
I can appreciate a lot of what you responded though because you are right it wasn't my business and I wish he hadn't told me. Even so I can still be upset about it since I was told.
But you are making
But you are making assumptions based on what your dad has told you. You are assuming the reasons why your SM is upset with your dad and you are assuming those reasons have something to do with you. He wanted you on "his side" against "evil SM." He put you in the middle of their argument for this very purpose. Yes, I am assuming that, but only because there is no other reason to tell you what he did.
You assume that there is NO
You assume that there is NO OTHER reason when in fact you DO NOT know. I didn't make an assumption. I took what my dad said, "she is pissed that I came to see grandson on his bday instead of watching going to her grandson's weekly basketball game" I didn't assume anything else. You assume he is a POS and just cancelled plans with her when we do not know if they had plans or not. I never said my SM was evil or that I hated her. You also made that assumption.
There could be OTHER reasons but apparently you KNOW it all! LOL! Okay, this is just crazy. I'm so sorry you need to justify your assumptions this way.
Here is my assumption: I just
Here is my assumption: I just think that your dad wanted you to know that he chose to see your son on his B-day, even if it made his wife mad, that he actually stood up to her. I don't think he was trying to do anything sinister or paint her in any light.
The fact that she pouted about it by not wanting him to go to the basketball game AT ALL, if he was going to be a little late, says a lot about her. A normal person would have said, "Ok, I'll save you a seat."
Hereiam, since I actually
Hereiam, since I actually KNOW my dad and my SM I agree with your assumption. However, we could never possibly paint a SM in a bad light here even though so many of them ADMIT that they can't stand their skids and intentionally do things like this. So obviously my dad is a huge POS for oversharing, cancelling these plans that so many here KNOW he had previously and wanting to spend time with his grandson instead of my SM's grandson. Even though he attends every other basketball game and event for her grandkid this is obviously a big NO NO....how dare he want to see his grandkid instead.
So I have read through most
So I have read through most of the replies and good grief!! Not sure your post was actually read. Lol
But I am not surprised by the out and out assumptions, misunderstanding, twisted word, and out and out, putting words in your mouth and anger directed at you. I mean…you said that a SM was not the angel of the earth so you must be punished. Lol.
I get it. Sorry you have to deal with that and now this. Haha.
Willow, thank you so much!
Willow, thank you so much!
I think some SMs here are so tainted they read what they wanted to and just assumed that I'm some mini wife to my dad.....BLECK!!!!