My SSs and I bond only because we have similar interests and personalities. I'm more "bonded" to OSS, partly due to age and because his personality is closer to DH's (where YSS is more like BM). If we didn't share interests, or if both acted like BM, we likely wouldn't have a bond.

Overall, we are all nice to each other and like each other. I'd take a bullet for one of them, mostly out of respect for the fact that they are kids and my DH's children. I don't think my DH could forgive any adult who would let his minor children die in exchange for their own life, and I wouldn't blame him.

As the boys age, they become more distant, as teenagers are wont to do.

If I could go back, I wouldn't have tried so hard to be a "bonus mom". It has been enough to be "dad's wife", and I do think they view me as a family member, similar to an aunt or cousin.

My username sums up my relationship to stepparenting: I am not a parent. I choose to help my DH in his mission to raise his kids. I do nothing autonomously in the parenting department. If I choose to help with something, I do it at the discretion of my DH. But I am fully within my rights to choose that the "stepparenting lifestyle" isn't for me. If I'm going to do it, I don't steer the ship. If I don't want to do it, I don't have to because it's not my mission to complete.

If I could go back in time I would have awakened earlier than I did. I was certain we would be one big happy family early on-- but there were subtle signs even in the beginning I did not see or refused to see, not certain which one. I would have disengaged years earlier had I known what was really going on.....Instead, I wasted years of time, money and emotion trying to be included in a family determined to show me-- I would never be "their family."

They did me a favor in the end......just hate I did not see it earlier.

She married a guy with a kid.   At first, the kid was nice, but sad that his parents would never get together again.   Even though his mom had already remarried before my sister met his dad.  She never tried to be even bonus mom  Over time, I think he has come to love my sister, but she doesnt have a need to hear that.  She had breast cancer and had to have surgery.  Her SS's wife came over to comfort her after the surgery.  Sometimes actions speak louder than words

I don’t do anything. We don’t bond at all. I’m just present at some events and when they are at my house. Well, pretty much the same as my dh. They are bm’s kids who come visit occasionally. I would make an effort if I could feel that they are close with my husband or if I could at least feel they love him

I don't have a choice to not be a parent most of the time that my SSs are around, because 90% of the time my BS is, too. So I am a parent and I act in a parent fashion. They are roughly the same age, so at the beginning I didn't treat them much differently than I would one of my son's friends who came over and then maybe more like one of the boys I coach in sport (and have for 5/6 years) - so pretty hands on and ready to praise/discipline. Maybe that's made it easier.  Basically I muck in now as an extra parent. I don't resent it because my partner does it for my son, too. 

I wouldn’t say we ever bonded.

Ten years ago I moved  in with DH. SD 12 and SD 8 at the time. Supposedly shared custody but generally BM tried all means possible to make sure SDs did not have a relationship with their father. Even at school functions SDs ignored their father and me if BM was there.

Now one of these SDs is 22 and she comes around and treats us both amicably. sD 18 pretty much ignores us both but would say hello if we passed in the street.( as long as BM isn’t there) 

Ten years ago there were also SD 40, SS 38 and SS 36. I have never had any trouble with SSs. They are always polite.

SD now 50 is another matter, no open hostility but ignores us unless she wants money. Passive aggressive I suppose, I feel like I am on her territory.

I see you have a tiny little one. Awww, adorable picture.

You really seem like a very nice woman.

Having been a member of this site for a very VERY long time, I can tell you I have come across some of the nicest, kindest, loving step parents along the way. Each of them had the purest intentions and each of them  gave their all.

Most of them were mowed over beyond their wildest scariest nightmares. First by ex spouses, then as the child grows, the child then takes over where BM left off...with intense vigor.

Blended family terms however a niceity, is an over used word that never meets the goal. It does make people feel incapable. Because IT never blends. We blend eggs, oil, water and cake mix. Ever noitce there is always little balls of cake mix no matter how hard you blend and blend?

Go easy on yourself along this journey. Be kind to his kids and defer everything back to their dad AND bio mom. Protect your home and all that live inside on a full time basis.

Your daughter comes first in all things. Always remember that.

Too many step parents for what ever reason,  put their kids last,  not on purpose. Weird thing bm's hackle and cause bio dads lots of drama "YOU never do anything with the chilll-- dren" and boom, Before you know it dad is spending his last 20bucks to take the kid to movies, batting cages, out to eat just so HE can say "see family court I do things with my kids". That 20bucks should have gone to a pack of diapers and wipes. This starts the endless amount of craziness. ITS a game to many BM's ...how high can I get my ex to jump.

Good Luck and I do hope you stick around awhile here on ST.

I love my SD, probably because DH and I started dating when she was 2, and we had time to bond before PAS and SDs own defensiveness towards her mom kicked in.  I’d say her behavior towards me was rejecting, she spent a lot of time telling me how much better her mom is than me, how much more fun her mom is compared to me, and really doing a lot of outright lying about it.  It was an obsession, like all she would talk about when I was around.  I think her story telling bugged me the most, it was the hardest to deal with, whereas if she said something obviously mean, it was very easy to see.  So, I eventually just avoided being around her at all.  

If anything, I would have disengaged sooner.  I wouldn’t have encouraged DH to get full custody (the kid turned out screwed up anyway).  I also would have spent less time feeling guilty for excluding her for my own mental health, or making my own kids a priority.  

The last couple of months, her behavior has been a lot better.  BM just got divorced, so maybe she’s got her hatred aimed in a different direction.  Or SD may just be growing up.  So, I’m cautiously hopeful.

.... between me & SS19, but that wasn't enough for me to be willing to live with him as a h.s. graduate who failed to respect the very few, basic household rules (as codified in the Launch Plan me SS & DH agreed to), so he got kicked out. Still lots of love, but now there's distsnce & SS resents me forcing DH to keep his word & send SS on to BM. 

In hindsight, I wish I'd have been prepared for what I was taking on. I learnt here on StepTalk that I'm not the only one... who didn't "know [the full scope of] what she was getting into."

I can relate!

What are different things you guys did and maybe still do to bond with your skids?

I tried taking SD to do “girl” things, like getting nails done, shopping, etc .  We had family time with board games and movies. We went on family vacations when we could afford it.  

What has their treatment of you been like?

SS has always treated me with respect. If he didn’t like me, I’d never know it.  SD has had a like/hate relationship with me at best. She would probably be happier if I dropped dead. 

How has your relationship with them changed over the years as they've gotten older?

My relationship with SS has matured as he has matured. He treats me as a parental figure and respects me as such. SDs relationship with me has just evolved into her being more vocal of her distain of me. 

Did any of you end up genuinely loving your skids and did they express genuine love for you in return?

I love my skids but in a different way than I do my own. It’s hard to explain. The best analogy I can give is that I love them as an aunt would love her nieces and nephews. I think SS feels the same....he loves me as he would an aunt. SD....she tells me she hates me to my face, so no question there. 

If you could go back in time, is there anything you would've done differently?

i wouldn’t have put so much of my energy into trying to build a relationship with SD growing up.  It didn’t do any good. I spent a bunch of wasted years of heart break trying to just get her to like me. I didn’t try so hard with SS....maybe that’s why our relationship is better.