Skids on vacation... how do you make it work?
This is long...
In the first year I lived with DH, we took a family vacation to a Disney resort. I am bio-child free and had never traveled with children before. It was quite possibly the worst trip of my life! LOL.
The list of reasons why is long but highlights include: YSDthen3 was terribly behaved in general back then, but was 100 times worse on vacation. OSDthen7 was unusually emotional and cried about not getting to do everything she wanted to do (very unlike her at the time). I had completely unrealistic expectations about how children should behave (especially #childrenofdivorce) during the period of time DH was at his peak permissive parenting and we argued practically hourly about how bratty the girls were being. To top it all off, we had crammed ourselves into one small hotel room, and the skids, not used to sharing beds, fought all night over covers and "she's on my side!" so that not one of us got any sleep.
I swore I would never take a family trip again, but as time went on and DH and the girls were folded into my family (they are local so we see them often; both BMs and DHs families live hours away), we tried our luck with a family vacation with both the skids and my parents. It went so well, it's been our preferred method of vacationing ever since and we've traveled as a little group often in the last four years. The skids' behavior has improved tenfold, and while DH and I are still not on the same page about parenting, we are more in sync than we've ever been and better at letting the out-of-sync moments go instead of making a big to do about it, and with my parents there, the skids get a lot of "adult attention" but it doesn't have to come only from DH, leaving a little time for the two of us, so I don't feel like the outsider.
The whole family was scheduled for a trip this spring, but my dad recently found out he will need to have surgery shortly before the trip and won't be able to go. My mom will therefore not be going either. I am a little worried about taking this trip without my parents there as buffers so to "practice" family vacations without grandparents, we took a short trip to a beautiful, family friendly resort about three hours from us this past weekend. It did not go as well as I had hoped.
The problem was actually OSDstb13. She hovered around DH (and me, but mainly because I was with DH) the entire time. We rented a huge two bedroom villa with a big living room, dining room, and outdoor space, but OSD was always within five feet of my DH. There were a ton of activities for the skids, a large fort-type playground, bikes to ride, corn hole, giant checkers, bocce ball, shuffleboard... all things the kids play with or do regularly and we kept "shooing" them outside to play but OSD would come back within ten minutes and want to watch Netflix on the couch next to DH while DH and I were reading books in the living area. (The Netflix thing was another source of contention because seriously? You're in an entirely new place you've never been before and you want to watch more TV than you even do at home? Wow. I'm so glad I brought you on this trip...)
When we went swimming, in the Olympic size pool with tons of floaties and toys, and she was -- you guessed it! -- five feet from DH. YSD kept trying to play with her but OSD wouldn't leave us alone. At one point, she went underwater and DH said to me, "Quick, we have 18 seconds of alone time!" Even he noticed her hovering. But of course, when I asked him to say something to her about giving us some space... all heck breaks loose and we end up in an argument.
I am really frustrated by this because OSD spends every minute she has in her bedroom when we are home! She comes out only to do chores, eat dinner, and occasionally to chat with us about something on her mind. I don't mean that she's rude at home, because she's not, she just normally very much into having her own space. As am I. So I don't understand what this whole deal was with her hovering over us on this trip. And I use the word hover very specifically, because it wasn't like she wanted to be involved in any conversations or activities DH and I were doing. She didn't say two words to us. She just got annoyingly close and sat there, not chatting, engaging or participating in any way, just... being super close and awkward and kind of weird.
There were other things that weren't ideal about this and I realize I'm going to have to adjust my expectations on a number of things, but this one is the kicker. I am a huge introvert. I need space. This trip was a short one, only a few nights, but the next one is much longer and I know I will lose my mind if I have to see her face (or anyone's face, honestly) five feet in front of me every single minute of the day except for when I'm sleeping. I really don't want to have to retreat into my bedroom at the resort to get space from her, especially when there are a ton of activities for her to be doing. Heck, there's even a ton of other furniture she can sit on! Why does she have to be so close?!
Does anyone else have a hovering skid on vacation? At home? How do you deal with it? Have you been able to talk to your DH about it successfully? At least the next resort we are going to has a ton of bars...
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I dont do skid vacations. Ive
I dont do skid vacations. Ive done a couple overnights to water parks which is more than enough for me. My vacations are to visit family either solo or with my adult son.
Chmmy, remidn me... do you
Chmmy, remidn me... do you have good skids and a bad BM? Or bad skids (and probably also a bad BM, lol)?
Do your skids get vacations with BM? Or even DH alone? Or just no vacations at all? And do you and your DH take an skid-free vacations?
We had some bad experiences
We had some bad experiences on our overnights and I have no escape when Im stuck in a hotel with them so I dont vacation with them. They never really vacationed with their bio parents when DH & BM were married, i think they took one vaca. The girls 19 & 16 have been vacationing with aunts/extended family for many years, they are pleasant enough to be around when they are with family. The boys are 12 & 10, no one is offering to take them anywhere, lol. They're just unpleasant, obnoxious, entitled and demanding. My adult bios are angels so I struggle with the entitled brat thing we have going on.
BM sucks, SD16 is a nightmare, the little skids are annoying, entitled brats. They live with us, we dont need to vaca with them also. BM vacations with her new husband any time she feels like it, never takes her kids for more than 48 hrs so why would she vaca with them. DH & I havent even done a honeymoon due to lack of time, not lack of money. We had a local romantic weekend away 2 yrs ago before we were married. This is skid life.
It does seem to be a theme
It does seem to be a theme about hovering skids. Not specifically on vacation, but at our house, SD9 alternates between hovering/clinging to my SO and spending time in her room. When she's in her room, after a while my SO will go up to her room and ask, what are you doing? In a tone that indicates it's weird for her to be there. FFS, leave her be!! I need alone time too, and anytime skids are in their rooms it is blissfull.
I haven't successfully had this convo with him, as I have yet to bring it up. I anticipate an argument if and when I do.
We try to do 1 skid trip a year, and the rest of the trips are skid-less.
What do you do when she
What do you do when she hovers? How does your SO feel about it?
We normally do one vacation with kids a year too, but last year we did two big ones without them, and I felt guilty and figured with my parents coming, a longer vacation with them would be okay. Joke's on me!
I think what threw me off was that DH was even commenting on how annoying it was... but then he got made at me for suggesting we maybe tell her we need a little alone time!! Like, wth DH?!
When DH and I first started dating and YSD was 2 or 3, every time DH gave me a hug, she would come up and try to wedge herself in between us. One day, DH stopped hugging me, physically pulled her "out" of our hug and told her very sternly, "You need to wait. This hug is for Lulu. You can have a hug when I'm done hugging her." He then gave me a very long hug. YSD's eyes filled up with tears, but DH finished his hug with me and didn't soothe her. I swear to heaven it was one of the best things he did because we never had another issue with her putting herself between us again.
I told him we need to have the conversation version of that hug with OSDstb13 now. I get she's at an awkward age where she wants to do both "childish" things (like play on the fort playground) but is also very much trying to act like the grown ups in her life (relaxing in the living room instead of playing) but that I needed some space from the skids on vacation just like I needed space from them at home. We aren't this close usually, why do we need to be this close on vacation?! I suggested we spin it that we needed her help keeping YSD8 entertained in the process, so it was like she was helping us rather than us pushing OSD away, but he wasn't having any of it.
I also know he is really slow to act. In three weeks, he might actually agree with that I said. But he always gets so freaking defensive in the moment and won't agree to adjust or change anything while it's happening, unless it was his idea.
Um, this is 100% my SO, with
Um, this is 100% my SO, with EVERYTHING. "I also know he is really slow to act. In three weeks, he might actually agree with that I said. But he always gets so freaking defensive in the moment and won't agree to adjust or change anything while it's happening, unless it was his idea."
If SD is hovering he usually ignores it or just says "what are you doing?" in the same tone he uses if she is in her room. It suggests he doesn't agree with what she is doing. He is obviously annoyed, but he rarely tells her to go away. There have been times she has stood by the arm of the couch next to him for an hour, since my spot is next to him on the couch so there's no room there. I don't say anything, I just sit there screaming inside because it drives me insane. It takes every ounce of willpower I have to not yell SIT DOWN, You don't always have to be by him! Once she was standing there slowly rubbing his head, and it disturbed me so much I made a comment about it and went up to our bedroom because I couldn't watch it. It's something I do for him, to see a 9yr old do it is unsettling.
I also had the same hugging issue about a year ago. SD had been trying to get in on our hugs for years. Any time he hugs me she had to come up and get in there. When she did it once I finally said to my SO "Can we not hug with just us 2?". He said "no kidding!", so SD could hear, but that was it. That night I took matters into my own hands and nicely explained to her that sometimes hugs are between adults, and she can't be a part of every one. She hasn't done it since. I actually have seen her take a step towards us when we hug, but she stops herself. Sometimes I don't have the patience for my SO's snail pace.
Only go to hotels
with great bars. Some drinks, some entertainment. Makes you not care about the day
This is absolutely true ^^^
This is absolutely true ^^^ Once we took skids to a resort in Mexico and they had a kids club where SD spent most days. We felt a little guilty because she was the only kid there each day (aside from occassionally SS) so she just did activities with the staff, but it's what she wanted to do so we drank at the swim-up bar in the pool all day and had a blast.
It sounds as if OSD needs
It sounds as if OSD needs more socialization and exposure to new people and experiences. Is she involved in any scouts, sports, clubs? If she gets more confident and self reliant, maybe she won't be so clingy.
I can relate to you introvertedness and need for peace and alone time. You need to own it, build time for it even while on vacation, and insist on your SO accommodating this part of who you are. Kids are little vampires who can drain your soul, then blithely color on the walls while poking the dog in the eye. I know my limits, which is partly why I'm childfree.
You should talk this all out with your SO well before the vacation so you can operate as a team with his kids. Maybe have a code word for when you need a break? He may need to use it, too.
You make a really interesting
You make a really interesting point, Exjulie... I hadn't thought of the socialization/ self-reliance, but giving it thought now, it seems totally plausible that she has no idea how to act without parental presence. Like she might not be used to the freedom?
After BM lost custody in August, we enrolled OSD (at her request) in a two extra-circular activities and YSD in one (against her interest, but she's now having fun with it), but during the two years prior that BM and DH shared 50/50, BM was extremely possessive about their time. They have not been allowed to be away from her for one minute longer than necessary, including staying in the free afterschool care program to play with friends, doing any type of summer program (which DH pays for) or any extra-curricular activity (although one time she enrolled them in a dance class they never went to). We've had issues in the past where she won't even take them to school. She says they are sick, and they all stay home together (she usually doesn't work). However, when they with BM they are allowed to do whatever they want so I kind of thought OSD was actually used to doing her own thing...
But now that you've given me this idea, I can think of a ton of other examples that fully support your idea, specifically with OSD not being self-reliant and understanding what's reasonable for her to do (or not do) at a resort when DH and I aren't right there giving her directions.
Okay, I'm off to begin my Google research on how to help your teen be more self-reliant... LOL. Got any more ideas for me? Because this shoe sounds like it fits.
I'm going to p.m. you.
I'm going to p.m. you.
One thing we did with my SD's
One thing we did with my SD's was that we would allow them to bring a friend along. That way the kids focus on each other and they aren't so lost and having to deal with anxiety of meeting new kids on vacation.
I do this
with my bio teens lol! There is no worse hell than a bored teenager so I have the two still at home bring a friend and if it's a day trip or a quick overnight middle DD (17) may bring her boyfriend (separate rooms). I like it when her boyfriend comes with us when we go to the mall as well because then my own special class-five clinger isn't bothering me.
Maybe make a rule where ysd
Maybe make a rule where ysd goes, osd goes too, they’re buddies and have to stick together to avoid child predators etc. My SD does hover sometimes, but she’s usually more content to see/do what her younger brothers are doing. My youngest, however, is clingy, and having him go with his older siblings gives me a breather.
If the kids are not behaving
If the kids are not behaving OR have not behaved, my question is why do a big vaca? Take them to a local amusement park for the day.
Let BM take them on a huge $$$$ vaca.
Discussion between you and DH
Discussion between you and DH about expecations BEFORE you even make reservations! Do you all share a room or get a suite? How many beds? Deternine who gets what bed before you even show up (yes, this will cause problems). How are meals/costs handled? Who is "parenting" on the trip? You get alone time - schedule it. What happens if skid is really misbehaving? If you are flying, who sits by who? etc., etc., etc.
After my first vacation time with DH/SDs (ages 10 &
I refused to travel with them again for another year. This was also around the time I would not go to restaurants with them. All purely based on their behavior and DH's lack of parenting.
13 is a tween age
Some of the activities sound more oriented toward younger kids. Maybe next time look for a place with a teen camp?
And for many families, vacations are times to spend more times with kids -- I agree with book a spa day, let dad spend time with his kids.
I could see where you would
I could see where you would think that they were geared toward younger kids, but OSD13 is definitely on the younger side. These are all things she does at home regularly.
I hadn't really thought about it being a time to spend even more time together, just based on the way my own family vacationed while growing up. Definitely worth discussing with DH for our trip that's coming up in a few months. Of course that basically means I need to start the discussion tomorrow so he has a full 90 days to think about anything I ask him. Haha.
Teens are not easy
I can see you want this to work out. Teens change overnight. My DD at 12 was buying chearleader costumes, and a year later she made the varsity team (combines JH/HS). I was shocked. They may be happy at home playing cornhole with younger siblings and their friends, but at the resort may be embarrassed. I really think if you look for a place that has programs specifically for kids her age, whether softball or coding, it will work out better. YOU may think she is a young 13, SHE may have a different image. Good luck.
I bet she does feel older
I bet she does feel older than she acts, or at least she wants to be older than she acts. That's a very good point.
I guess I feel frustrated because... obviously the only family vacations I know of are the ones I went on with my own family growing up, and the ones I've had now with the family I married into. My parents certainly didn't only take us places where there were "teen activities" to entertain me and my siblings. We were given freedom and ample money and turned loose, even in foreign countries where I wouldn't dream of loosing my own SDs.
But, is it really reasonable that the two money-paying adults schedule vacations based on what the teenager likes? Which, by the way, we thought we were doing when we picked this resort since she does many of the things at home. (And the resort isn't the flashiest, but it was what we could manage within the time frame, budget and transportation restrictions we had.) How am I supposed to anticipate what she will and won't like? Should I even have to? Doesn't she have some responsibility to entertain herself when we are there if it turns out she doesn't want to do any activity that's available?
I am really just thinking aloud here, STaround. Trying to get my "shoulds" to align with the "actuallys" if that makes sense. I've gotten some great feed back on this and it's given me a lot to think about, including the fact that some of this is straight up me. I'm the problem in a couple of these situations because I am having a really hard time understanding, and to some degree accepting, the "teenage version" of OSD.
If my exact issue is "how do I make OSD be less clingy with DH and me on vacation" then yeah, picking a resort with something that has more shine than DH and I do will solve that problem, because she'll be more excited to do the teen things than she will be to hang with us (hopefully!). But as I've read these comments and examined my own reactions to them, I think just I'm very frustrated with OSD in general right now, even though I know she really is a very good kid (especially as skids go), and this clingy behavior from her on vacation only took my frustration to a higher level. Which is a problem that will need to be solved in some way other than going to a more teen-oriented resort.
I am confused
There are vacations where all family members hang together -- that is fine. But if all do not hang together, I think that there should be activities that work for all. Sticking a 13YO with younger kids is not fair. So if you want time alone, either go to spa and dad is with his kids, or or you want time alone with DH, he needs to find soemthing for his kids.
When we did go on holiday with skids
It was always separate bedrooms & bathrooms with us getting the bigger room, we never share a room and in our religion it’s actually mandated in blended families that hubby needs to protect the privacy of his wife and obviously in a bedroom thats your intimate place.
that said when we went on a short trip for nephews engagement with sd22 & sd13, we got a 2bdrm apartment with living area. My kids happily ran around (1 & 2.5), i continued as i do normally playing with my kids in living area, feeding them etc and going to our room for privacy or when tired and intimate time with hubby.
Skids are so awkward and treat even their dad like an outsider that it just feels like torture to be around them but at that point of time they had only reinitiated contact after 5 yrs being kidnapped by biomum so i just bit my tongue then but when you feel the awkwardness, tension and bad vibe you just want to go to your room and just relax as a couple.
since then i have told hubby I wouldn’t participate in holidays with his kids, I suggested hubby go alone and i’d stay home with our toddlers.
he said he couldn’t do that, i’m his wife and he wants to spend time with me and going on holiday with his 3 eldest kids from exwife or any of them is absolute torture
i asked hubby then “have you told them it’s absolutely torture being around them because of their awkwardness and bad vibe you get and just the way they treat us”, of course not!! I told hubby then noone wants to be around arseholes or people that just ruin the mood and enjoyment of a trip