Advise Please
Hello Everyone, I am a divorced dad with three children.. I see my kids on a regular schedule and always pay my support & anything else the kids need. I try do do my best for them and they really are great kids.. My x wife and myself try our best to get along and we don't ever talk bad about eachother to the children. So i think this part of my life is good...
This is the part I am looking for advise.
I have been with a woman for 10 years, she has 2 kids. The girl is 15 and the boy is twelve. Her x husband is not in the picture with them.. He will show up every 3 or 4 months and take them for a day or two post pics all over his facebook so all the friends can think he is such a great dad.. He has never paid any support at all.. his divorce the judge awarded 50/ 50 time split so he dont's have to pay but the 50 / 50 time split only lasted a month. The issue I see is this The kids give me and the mom no respect.....to them dad is the greatest thing god created. I am spening my money on them and my own kids but they have no respect and think it's normal dad don't have to pay for anything.. He infact he told them 90% of men don't pay child support. I pay for there cell phones, housing , school and everything else a child needs but when i am disrespected it bothers me. I bring this up to my spouse and it's always the same reply I guess you want to leave us. That's actually not even a thought in my mind. I told her I want to stop paying for things and let them start to ask dad for the money Just looking for any advise
Does your wife have a Child Support order?
If not, why not? And if she does, what has she done to get it enforced? I do not believe the 90% number. If you have to pay your wife to be there, you are being used. Stop it now.
forgot to mention
It's only my account sh is stay home mom
Her kids are 15 and 12, who
Her kids are 15 and 12, who is she staying home with?
sorry, but you are being used
You need to see a lawyer.
Stop paying for anything for
Stop paying for anything for her kids.
She should have gone after her ex for child support years ago, if he was not going to abide by the 50/50.
Others have said it - why has
Others have said it - why has she not filed for support?
As far as being disrespectful - why hasn't their mother corrected them?
You need to sit down and have a very serious conversation. This isn't working because and list out each point. Then work together to resolve the issues.
Money is usually a cover for other issues and here it seems like that issue is respect for you and appreciation for what you bring to the table.
Your SO
should ask their dad for money or get the court order changed to reflect the actual custody schedule and the need for child support. The kids should not. They could ask their dad for extra money like all preteens/teens do but not for the things that a child support order would help cover like housing, schooling, school fees, food etc. And your SO needs to go get a job. Period. The time to be a SAHM is over.
going back to court
I did bring this up many times over the years and it's always the same answer,,, this will push my kids away from me.. I think we go to court and let the chips fall where the may... but I'm positive this won't ever happn.
I feel like if I can't get respect then why pay for there extra BS. I love the woman very much but I see this is becoming a huge problem
Well doesn't she have it made!
It sounds like you are being a pushover, honestly....she is fine with you paying for HER kids, while she does absolutely nothing to financially care for them herself. It is not your job to provide for her kids while she does nothing. And, she is literally doing nothing. She has options here to make this easier on you, but she is choosing not to act on them, because you are allowing it.
I would sit her down and say, things need to change, I am starting to become resentful. So, A) you need to get a job, or, B)-you need to file for CS with the courts. One of these things needs to happen, although both should. I would be embarrassed to be at home doing nothing while my SO is working and paying for everything for MY kids, especially if I wasn't even trying to get my Ex to step up and help pay! Also, she needs to parent when they are disresepctful.
The only way this will change is if you tell her it needs to happen and stick to her guns.
That's just crap! She doesn
That's just crap! She doesn't want to poke the bear I'd say.
How old are the children you
How old are the children you have with your current wife? Are they coming close to school age?
In any case, she needs to stop this "going to court will push my kids away" crap. How about "not going to court will push my husband away and he might take our kids"? Put your foot down - she HAS to get the court order changed to reflect reality. HAS TO - do you hear me? Here ex has got it good, hasn't he? He doesn't have the responsibility nor the cost of his own children ( pathetic.
Bottom line, you should not be footing the bill for another man's children at all and it's time your wife wrapped her mind round that.
Close down the Bank,
You are nothing but an ATM to these ungrateful brats and your SO should get a job. You say that you love your SO very much, but she is not standing up to these brats and using you for money. The Skids are old enough that she should be out looking for a job, even if it's a part time job.
As to the skids dad, tell the ungrateful brats to ask their dad for everything, because due to their disrespectfulness the bank is closed. DO NOT BUY OR PAY FOR ANYTING FOR THEM!!! If your SO has a meltdown, because of closing the bank on these brats, then you will know that her love for you is not as strong as yours and she is using you.
So this has been going on for
So this has been going on for 10 years? I am going to assume your wife is scared of changing the status quo?
Neither the mom nor the bio dad are stepping up because there Is no motivation to. Mom is thinking not to rock the boat, and dad is thinking he has always gotten away with it so why would he start paying now.
I think you guys should go to counseling so that the therapist can explain it to her and stop her from manipulating you during the discussion.
wow you are supporting 5 kids
wow you are supporting 5 kids all by yourself.
LET THAT SINK IN.
I noticed you did not refere to your girlfriend as YOUR wife. YOu did however comment 'you have been with her for x amount of years.
Your girlfriend and her ex husband have it made. No wonder she wont file for support...she doesnt have to.
Advise...move out before your broke. Think ONLY about your bio kids and your future.
If you stop paying for her
If you stop paying for her kids (and obviously you'll still be paying for them to have a place to live), then either your SO is going to have to get a job or she's going to have to file for a custody order that reflects reality and child support. It will be interesting to see which one she chooses. Good for you - it's about time you stop allowing yourself to be used.
SAHM for 12 and 15 year olds?
SAHM for 12 and 15 year olds? Lol. They can stay home alone.
You are being used. Time to insist your wife gets a job and supports her own kids.
Just out of
Just out of curiosity, what exactly does a SAHM do while a 12 and 15 year old is in school all day? Unless your house is a sparkling palace fit to be photographed in Town and Country, I would have some serious questions.
I want to be a stay at home
I want to be a stay at home dog mom, but I don’t think DH will go for it.
LOL
LOL My dogs are pretty high maintentence but they would be begging me to leave them alone 3 days into it. I have a lot of respect for SAHMs. I would be climbing the walls and developing a raging addiction to benzos if I was left alone all day with small children. I had planned to have bios (my body did not cooperate) but never in a million years did I ever contemplate staying home.
Me too, when kids are small.
Me too, when kids are small. But it’s a sweet gig when they are in school all day and fairly independent the rest of the time.
I believe that
I believe that is called "pool boy and martini time."
Your wife should take him
Your wife should take him back to court. Document EVERYTHING involving dad. What the kids say about the visits, ANY contact, etc. It's likely a judge will kill the 50/50 order and get him paying child support. Once ordered, file it through CPS and they'll enforce. Out of your hands.
Also the disrespectful attitudes, biggest thing is consistency. It sounds a LOT like the Psycho... She's absentee at best, and sucks as a human, but she'll spend JUST ENOUGH time to snap a few pictures and post them everywhere before ditching again. Also ZERO contact on their birthdays these past few months.
Let your wife handle their crap. If they're disrespectful, then they lose privleges. Including cell phones that you pay for, until their tune changes.Actions have consequences. Being disrespectful little s***s all the time has the consequence of not having privleges.
Biggest thing, you and your DW need consistency, and if they're going to be brats, she should be handling it. Plus going back to court, because I get the frustration of the ex not paying anythign while you fund the life of the kids. It's frustrating as he!!. Psycho has only paid $200 TOTAL since August when she was ordered to pay almost $400 EVERY month... It's irritating as he!!.
This mother isn’t even paying
This mother isn’t even paying for her own kids, never mind the father. Love how the OP feels dad is a deadbeat when his own wife isn’t working to support her kids either. Fathers who don’t pay are bad, mothers who don’t pay are “SAHM”.
I say this as someone who is
I say this as someone who is the sole provider of my 7-year-old stepdaughter. My husband and I have her full-time plus my 16-month-old son who is our biological child together. We weren't ready for him to go to daycare and my job paid best, so after maternity leave, my husband stayed home.
Don't pay for them if they're disrespectful to you. They're FAR too old for that. They should be able to comprehend that you have no moral or legal obligation for them, yet you're going out of your way to support them, and for that, they should show some appreciation, or at the very least, be polite to you.
Mom is doing an awful job if she hasn't taught her kids this. My husband is very quick to shut down any disrespect, not that my stepdaughter is ever too bad, but he's quick to remind her that sunshinex does a lot for her and it's NOT ok to be disrespectful. He's even told her before sunshinex doesn't HAVE to do anything, she does it because she WANTS to.
She's too young to explain that I'm not the one responsible for her financial needs, but my husband makes it clear that she's lucky to have another adult in her life willing to do whatever is necessary for her to thrive. Your wife is failing in a major way here - creating overly entitled kids.
Stop paying for them. Tell your wife to get a job. Her kids are far too old for her to be a "stay at home mom" anyways. That stops when the kids are school age, unless you have an incredibly good reason to keep staying home. How is her "stay at home mom" duties outside of the kids?
I might sound like an asshole, but I would expect a spotless house, all errands ran, dinner/meals ready, etc. if I had a "stay at home parent" who didn't have to parent during the day at home. My husband and I have talked about this multiple times because my SIL is a "stay at home parent" to school age kids and it makes absolutely no sense when the working parent still has to do chores, cook, etc.
Agreed.
Agreed. One of the main reasons my DH's marriage to BM started down the drain was because she insisted on continuing the SAHM life after the kids went to school. From the beginning she did not agree with a division of labor that included her being responsible for the house while he brought in the money. She expected him to come home from work and then divide the work evenly or she would refuse to do it but he put up with it while the kids were small because he thought it was best for them to have her home with them. I have seen pictures and their house was unbelivably disgusting. It only got worse as the years went on. That the domestic part of life was her job unless she chose to get a job outside the home was something she found "offensive." OK honey, then what exactly IS your job in life?
And the marriage went downhill from there......
Ahhh, one of THOSE "feminists
Ahhh, one of THOSE "feminists" who believe it's offensive to expect domestic duties when they're HOME not working. Don't get me wrong, I'm a feminist through and through... But part of feminism means you have the CHOICE of working or staying home to do domestic duties. Make a choice and do your best at whatever you choose. You can't expect to enjoy someone providing for you and do nothing in return because ITS SEXIST TO EXPECT ME TO CLEAN AND COOK haha
Put down the shovel
One of the most love-blinded, mistaken credos of step hell is the notion that “your kids are part of the package so loving you means loving them.” Many step parents start out honorably believing and acting on this, but somewhere along the way we are smacked into the sorry reality. We realize that our emotional and financial efforts are taken for granted and we are disrespected while the dysfunctional birth parent is revered.
You can't back paddle, but you can certainly make changes right now to free you from this resentment-building burden. They're going to make you the "bad guy." Don't for a minute buy that. At the very least, you deserve respect for what you've unecessarily upheld over the years.
How invested are you in believing your spouse's canned retort of "I guess you want to leave us?" You are not going to change the way she sees the situation because it's obvious she has emotionally manipulated you for a long time. There is an unspoken collusion between your spouse and her ex to be lazy, non-responsible parasites. She and her ex-sludge should have been held financially responsible for the children they created from day one. Why have you been carrying the shovel and doing all the work? Your willingness has made you your own gravedigger.
Establish and maintain behavioral limits with these people (your spouse, her ex and the children). Learn to create boundaries! I suppose like many of us, you will get to a point of non-tolerance that will finally make you stand your ground. Not sure what that will be for you, but your emotional stability and sanity will be tested. INSIST that they work out CS through the courts. County CS services have no-cost ombudsman to assist with resolving issues and clarification of parents' rights and responsibilities - there's a free start that your spouse can look into. If a lawyer needs to be pulled in, then you're probably going to end up paying for that.
She's counting on you backing down with that backassward implication of guilt. You have been more than obligatory and I think your good nature has been taken advantage of.