BM taking us to court
I've posted before about my SK's being total demons and since then, they've only gotten worse. But things have gotten better with my husband. he doesnt expect me to dote on the kids 24/7, in fact i spend tons of time at work (which i truly enjoy), I make my own plans on weekends we have them, and we have our own fun time together when it's just us.
But now his ex (their mom) just served him with court papers re custody because she feels that I am emotionally abusive to the kids. Basically because I am not at home all the time to cook and clean for them, I let dad take them out and hang with them during HIS time with them, and because I expect rules to be enforced in my home (dont destroy my property, don't steal from me, don't abuse my dogs, practice good hygiene... ya know, common sense!) and the kids hate it, I'm apparently emotionally abusive.
If he grounds them for bad behavior or whatever, i think they tell her all the punishment/discipline comes from me. And they probably think it does, seeing that before me, they never had any rules ever!
But now my husband is pissed at me, saying if anything negative comes from any of this, he's putting all the blame on me.
And i know, it's a total jerk move. If he wants to leave, then leave. I get it. I love him, I want my marriage to work, but I get it.
But man, i just have no one to talk to about any of this and all his family and friends think I'm a monster beacuse they all let those kids (and thier kids) run wild. they truely honestly all think children having rules and structure and discipline for their conseqnences is just me being too demanding and expecting outrageous impossible things!
And no one is ever happy, when i was super involved, I was doing everything wrong. Now that I've backed away and I am focusing on myself and my marriage, I'm a monster.
I'm just beyond frustrated right now.
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I would be counter suing her
I would be counter suing her for defamation of character and harrassment. That's such BS. And your DH is an ass. No judge is going to entertain this, but they might look at it as harrassment on her part.
Edit to add: I'd also lawyer up and charge her the cost of your lawyer fee's. Make her think twice about getting you involved in her drama.
If my marriage is over
If my marriage is over because of this, then good riddance to all of them. Otherwise I'm thinking of throwing everything I can at her. I work at a very prestegious law firm, I just never wanted to bring my personal crap to work and maintain some professional dignity and space, but this just might be the moment to do it.
How about going for step-imony?
How about going for step-imony? I know. . . no such thing YET. But, remember there used to be no such thing as palimony either, That term was first coined in 1977.
I'd love to see some brave SM sue her soon-to-be ex-husband and BM for back pay for all of the cooking and cleaning and babysitting, etc. she did for free, only to later be accused by both her DH and BM of not doing enough or being blamed for any and all ills in the household. SM can try to legally claim that because she was treated as a mere servant in the household vs. as a wife or full partner, that she is therefore due servant/ nanny or such wages by the parents. It follows that if she wasn't brought in the household under false pretenses or suckered into doing these tasks, then they would have had to hire someone else to do them anyway!!
Whether it would work or not, I'd love to see someone at least try, followed by others. At least it would make the strong point of how SMs far too often only wind up being free servants, babysitters, taxis, banks, and so on in many households.
I feel your pain
If I'm involved I'm involved wrong. If I'm not involved, then I'm standoffish and wrong. In the beginning it was DH and BM, then it became DH only telling me that. BM was originally afraid I'd try to become the skids "mom." Nope, don't want that. DH was afraid the skids wouldn't like the rules (even though while dating we talked about rules and what was needed so I thought we were on the same page), and wanted to rescind rules for the skids (but not my kid) because they didn't have the same ones at BMs "and that would be confusing" (TM).
During a discussion about schools and skids/kids my DH got upset and told me to my face that he thought the reason the GAL decided the skids should go to BMs district was because of me. I was floored and worried if I had done something. I had spent hours and hours helping DH with his reasons and supporting data. So I asked. Nope, GAL report didn't contain anything, GAL hadn't said anything to him, BM didn't mention anything, skids didn't say anything. (And I wasn't interviewed by the GAL either.) So then I asked DH why he thought that and he said he just knows. I told him to go do a few unpleasant things to himself.
They cannot be blamed, it must be us. I always defend myself. But it's getting old and I'm getting tired of the assumption that I'm the bad guy. And I can forgive him for that statement but I won't forget it. He may have meant it and he may not. If he did then what really do we have as a relationship? If he didn't then he has shown he can be a complete jerk and will lash out about anything just to be hurtful, and then what really do we have as a relationship?
I find it so hypocritical. Really? Everything was fine before we came along? If it was, then why are you divorced? Why were you even looking for another relationship if things were so perfect? Why ruin that? NOTHING we do is good? Nothing?
For example, the reason one of the kids is reading above grade level is because I helped bring him up from below grade level. But I also want them to clean up after themselves. Yup, I'm an orgre.
FWIW, my DH got super upset when I stepped away from things. Why? Because he had to either leave a gaping hole there or step in and he didn't want to step in. I was supposed to do it but only exactly how he wanted.
That last sentence - yes!
That last sentence - yes!
"I was supposed to do it but only exactly how he wanted."
Also, same happened for me with rules - funny how many times early in relationship when kid rules are discussed both parties agree. But the reality is much different-shockingly so. I guess rules only apply to all other children? And then you get the "well you should have discussed that before getting serious/moving in/married" from others--even tho you did, your other half just lied when discussing it. And the "well at BM house its like that so it cant be changed" bull crap. Yes, complain that bm doesn't parent, or is a "bad parent" - yet parent just like her so "you don't lose the skid"(TM).
It's so maddening that so many people do these things! Like you aren't going to realize they lied or completely misrepresented differnt things?!
If a judge truly believes
If a judge truly believes that you are emotionally abusing those kids but not being there to wait on them hand and foot I will be in shock. I really don't think any judge is going to take that BM seriously. BM and OSS over here pull the same crap. BM was trying to gather evidence to use against my DH in court by telling OSS to take pictures of our house because he was telling her that our house was so dirty that it was unlivable. BM would show up at my house unannounced. BM and OSS constantly try to break up my marriage to this day still. I find it's best to ignore these nut cases and their antics.
Oh op i’m so sorry your hubby is trying to lay the blame
On you for this when he enabled them to behave like this.
I had once when i felt hubby hadn’t done enough and ss20 threatened to run away from home and hubby said what more do you want from me my son has already threatened to run away because of me telling him off for how he has treated you. I told hubby to never ever blame me again for this. His kids chose to not be decent and shitty human beings, thats on them, not ME!
tell your husband that!! Stand up for yourself hun
i’ve been married just over 4yrs, late last yr i tomd hubby i was disengaged from his kids, if they choose to apologise for their behaviour and change for the better, its 4 yrs too late. I want nothing to do with them but focus on raising our kids to be the best they can be and focus on my future. Hubby was upset but he understood
i mean lets face it, no one in their right mind wants to be around arseholes and i’m not sorry for calling his kids that. I’ve even asked hubby to tell me 1 decent thing that proves they aren’t arseholes?? Yup still waiting on 1
its hard at first laying down basic expectations but guess what, the family dynamics have changed with you and (your kids in the picture), so the status quo isn’t as it. It has to change to reflect the change in family dynamics.. if they wanna cry boohoo that it should be how it always was, well they are not living in reality..
its hard at first when your hubby has to come to grips that his kids aren’t decent and shitty arseholes to others and messy/rude/lazy and that you don’t want to spend time with that. Ask hubby how can he ask or expect you to spend time with his kids when they are like that.
oh and don’t start me on the typical excuse of “oh they’re just being kids”.... nope parents do raise their kids from day 1 with positive behaviours and attributes so this isn’t just “kids being kids”
I’m not sure why you want to
I’m not sure why you want to stay married to this jerk. If DH blamed me for what his ex and kids did, it would be curtains for us.