I don't know if I am being selfish
Long rant alert..... I have been with my DH for 15 years and have two young DS's together. DH has daughter (26) and son (23) from a young relationship. I have had an on off relationship with SD over the years as she tends to only want to contact DH when she needs money or has a drama but I have always been there for her when she needs us especially when she has needed emotional support becoming a mum herself, and always maintained a relationship with her and our children. SS has some serious issues towards women and has resented me being with his dad from the start and has made some pretty malicious attempts to turn my DH against me. He walks in and out of my husband's life as and when he wants, he recently come back after not talking to DH for 6years and had nowhere to stay so wanted to stay with us. For 6 years I begged my DH and SD to reach out to him and try to get the family back together. Despite what he had done in the past I put it down to him being young and vulnerable and since becoming a mum I couldn't bare to think of him thinking that his dad didn't care about him. Therefore, I told my DH that SS could stay with us for a few days to get himself sorted. Wow, how wrong I was. Within the few weeks that SS stayed with us he made my young children feel so uncomfortable that they didn't even come out of their room, he manipulated again between me and DH and then started to lie about me to my SD. It come to a head when he was rude to me in our home and was asked to apologise, he said that he would rather leave than apologise. This resulted in my SD being off the scale abusive to me over the phone and accused me of being an "evil c#@t" that is only with her dad for money (I wish he had money!!).....the abuse went on for days from both of them. It has since transpired that SS was telling lies about me and trying to turn DH's friends and family against me the whole time. I also found out that in the past my DH had been basically saying things like "just keep her happy" and when giving them money saying "don't say anything, it keeps her off my back" so that he could take the easy life and not have to listen to me saying that he needs to help them be responsible with their budget. DH's lies have consequently been manipulated and thrown back at me as amunition by SS/SD. I have since told my husband to keep his relationship with SS and SD seperate from our home especially to protect me and our children from their spite, but please don't lie anymore or hide things from me......Today it comes to a massive argument between DH and me because he has been seeing SS and not even mentioning it to me. I feel that even though DH is not exactly lying to me I still feel betrayed that he is keeping things from me......am I being selfish? My DH has shown support for me but now says that I am destroying everything he has and that he is done with me. I heard him shout on the phone to SS that he is done with him and done with me. I don't know how to feel about this anymore
My SS19 likes me and has
My SS19 likes me and has never been disrespectful to me, but I often try to imagine how DH would handle it if he were disrespectful to me and treated me like your skids do you. I am certain that he would tell SS to bug off until he can be respectful and would not continue to sneak around and see him behind my back and play both sides.
I don't really understand these men who can't see who their children REALLY are, and hold on to this idea that they are poor misunderstood darlings, even after said misunderstood darling doesn't talk to them FOR SIX YEARS. My SS didn't talk to DH for 3 years, and while he loves him and wants a positive relationship with him, he sees who his son is very clearly. Even though he believes (as do I) that BM caused this period of alienation, he also sees what a damaged, toxic and manipulative person his son is.
I agree that initially the BM
I agree that initially the BM caused the alienation with my skids but now they also treat her the same (if not worse) than they do to me. I don't know what to do, I don't want my husband to have the heartache of cutting his children off but I just can't seem to let it go and trust that I won't get hurt again
I think in your shoes, I
I think in your shoes, I would back off, tell DH to do what he wants with his children but DON'T tell me anything about it, and set some boundaries about using OUR money for them, etc.
Maybe if you stop reacting and caring, DH can begin to see what manipulative little cretins he has spawned. Right now, there is so much drama that he can hang out "in the middle" not taking any responsibility for his own part in it.
I know I need to back off. I
I know I need to back off. I just wish he would be more honest with me. One story went from "he's been calling but I'm keeping him at arms length" to "he turned up at the bar but I left him after 10mins" to SS texting him to say "I found your glasses in my car" ..... I know it probably seems that I am being petty but j just wish he would be straight with me from the start
He's trying to make everyone
He's trying to make everyone happy. He tells you what he thinks you want to hear. Tell him he can go ahead see his kids all he wants, just don't tell you everything.
I will say, though, I would not put up, long-term, with my DH allowing his kid to badmouth me and call me names and not setting those kids straight. He can't play both sides. He either supports you or he doesn't. He can have a relationship with his kids without allowing them to disrespect you.
I guess I don't need to know
I guess I don't need to know anything about his meetings with them.
He has a lot of autonomy in his life. Either of us have the freedom do our own thing without causing any problems between us. It's just alien to me to have an issue in our marriage that is kept quiet from the other one. It also kind of makes it a bit awkward for me when we go out and our mutual friends mention general chat about when SS/SD was out and I am caught off guard. I don't expect full blown details from DH but a heads up to say they were about isn't out of the question e.g. "SS popped out to see me tonight" but to lie about it makes me feel awful.
No, you are not being selfish
No, you are not being selfish at all in wanting your DH to be upfront and honest with you. Your DH should be honest with you regarding no matter who he is meeting with and he should not be given a free pass because he is meeting with his hateful brood behind your back. How would he like it if you treated him the same way? Your DH should also be upfront and honest with you about where giving money to his loser son and hiding that from you.
A good, decent spouse doesn't hide things from his wife.
Your Dh should also put his hateful brood in their place when they start saying hateful and disrespectful things about his wife. Why do some of these DH's even want to have a relationship with anyone who wants to break up their marriage and spout out nothing but nastiness about their spouse? It is disrespectful toward the spouse, who is just expected to sit back and defend herself, because her manpart missing DH won't defend her.
Good luck to you going forward.
Here is some honesty: you are
Here is some honesty: you are reacting like he's having an affair because sneaking around with someone who abused your spouse is a betrayal of trust. I don't care who that person may be. These people are an enemy to your marraige. It is only natural for you to feel betrayed by your husband who apparently finds this abuse acceptable.
I would go with the advice
I would go with the advice you have been given to extricate yourself from your DH's relationship with this prior relationship breeding experiments. But... do it in a way that lets him know that his relationship with them can in no way impact the family that you and DH have made. He can't spend a penny on engaging with them. They are adults. They are on their own financially. He can't miss a single young kid event or any other event in your family and they can in no way pollute your family with their toxic crap.
See how he works within those iron clad limitations. When he married you to create your young family he shifted his commitment, time and resources 100% away from his adult children. As it should be.
IMHO of course.
Thanks for all of the advice.
Thanks for all of the advice. We're now a few days down the line and me and DH are still not 100% better - probably about 65% but at least we're not at each others throat. He has made it clear that he will not give up on his DS/DD but will not tolerate them disrespecting me (I still think he needs to grow some balls).
I have set my boundaries that I don't want anything to do with the skids or even to hear about them. If DH chooses to continue to see them and let them disrespect his life then that is up to him. However, if they have turned up to see him when he is out at place which we usually go as a family, or around our friends then I expect to be given a heads up. If he can't understand that then more fool him, I'm not sticking around.
It's interesting how sneaking
It's interesting how sneaking around and hiding the fact that they've seen their kids is something that many guilty daddee's do. They form an US against evil SM coalition that DH is all in on. Although it's hard at first you have to learn not to care. Remember that you had a life before skids and DH came into it. Did you care what some random persons adult children thought of you then? If not then why do you care now. Many consecutive marriages end because of the baggage brought from the first train wreck. God forbid something happens to DH or your relationship ends they'll likely be strangers again.
I've mastered the art of pretending to care when DH talks about ss. I'll listen briefly about how proud DH is that ss got yet another minimum wage job this year (fired from 2 recently) and act super excited, "Oh wow, that's so great!" then change the subject. ss is like a small leftover from DH's previous life that has gone rancid and I push it as far to the edge of my plate as possible.
I really don't care if DH sneaks off and see's ss or even gives him money. I don't wait at home or check in when DH is off doing things and he'll have to work overtime if he chooses to enable.