So, my SD is turning 18 in less than two weeks.  She is graduating high school in 3.5 weeks.   When my two sons (23/20) graduated high school, they got some money and dinner with the family for graduation.   My SD however, believes that she deserves a new video game platform, a $4000.00 camera and now another car.   She also has stated that we should help her pay for an apartment and that she should not have to work while going to college.  HAHAHA!.

Our most recent issues are about a car.   She started talking with her BioMom (who's done NOTHING to support her for the past 7 years) about wanting another car a few months back.  SD has(had) a perfectly good car that she worked to help pay for and was exactly what she wanted- until she decided she wanted something else.   Then I began hearing bits of conversation SD had with DH about wanting a new car.  I have stayed out of it because DH indulges all of her bad and manipulative behaviors and I have opted out of most of their interactions to the point that I can ignore her completely while in her presence-  it's become a near dissociative experience.   

However, last week, I noticed a bill for an oil change done on her car.  The bill prominently displayed her BM's name and address.  This kinda ticked me off being that it was in my house, sitting with my bills, on my kitchen counter top.  I mentioned it to DH who left it there.  Fast forward to this week and I get a text saying that she has been in a fender bender on the way to school.   How convenient.  Fortunately, no one was hurt.  However, suddenly, she is in the position of having totaled her car- right before her birthday and graduation and after she'd been told that we were not getting her a car for birthday/graduation.   Oh and BTW, she thinks that she deserves a $14,000.00 car (twice what we paid for DH's car and 3x what the value of the cars are for either of my sons- which we did not pay for).   

So...her BM- who doesn't seem to work, has two or more men supporting her and hasn't contributed to raising or financially supporting her daughter- decides that while she is out of town (again) that SD should use her vehicle to get around- even though SD is not on BM's insurance- of course.   So, this morning I look out my window and BM's car is parked in my driveway, SD is driving the DH's convertible and BM's oil change bill is staring up at me from the kitchen counter a full week after I first noticed it.  Not great.

So...I commented to DH that I didn't love seeing BM's car in my driveway and her bills in my kitchen AND he decided that I was being ridiculous and reactive.  WHAT?!?   I have put up with so much from this kid and her mother and now I'm looking at BM's car in the driveway, bill with suggested work laying on the counter and a suddenly, conveniently totaled car and I suppose (out loud) that perhaps things have worked out very neatly for SD to get that new car she'd been asking for.  DH got angry at the implication that she is a manipulative little beast and left without saying goodbye and we haven't spoken today.  

Am I the asshole for pointing out how convenient it seems to have worked out?   To be fair, I always am the first to call out manipulative behaviors on the part of my  own children- they are not perfect either- DH never rejects an observation that I make about my own kids but ALWAYS rejects anything that I say about her.  It's ridiculous really.       

For a bit of history, SD has disliked me and worked against me with DH for the past 7 years of our relationship despite every effort that has been made on her behalf.  She has told a therapist that I took her father away from her and that she has been angry that her parent's divorced.   

Regarding our interactions, She is jealous of others in my life who think that I am great,   SD has told anyone who will listen in town how much she hates me.,  She rejects any effort I have made towards her, she refuses to eat any food that I cook, she refuses to clean her room or her bathroom,  she has had some SERIOUS boundary problems with my personal things, she refuses to do the one chore that is for the family benefit that she is assigned (washing dishes) and will let her dirty clothes pile up for weeks waiting for DH to do them for her "because she's tired (or busy/or whatever)."   

I LOST MY SHIT with her last fall when I discovered that she had been sneaking into my bedroom, getting my vibrator, using it herself and then was putting it back- FOR MONTHS.   AT that point, I told DH that she was not allowed in my home unless he was physically present.  He was working in music and had spent more than 50% of our relationship traveling with his group and was gone an average of 42 weekends out of the year.   This issue forced him to look for and find other work that would have him home at night and on the weekends.   Since the fall, HE has been resentful that I "put his daughter out of the house" and we haven't been on great terms since then.  AT that time,  we agreed that she could stay until she graduated high school but that was it.   I told him that he could move out with her if that is what he needs to do.  I love him but I refuse to be used and disrespected by her in my home for another minute past her 18th birthday and her graduation.   

I am ready for her to MOVE OUT.  She can live with her BM or with her Aunt or her Grandfather or she can work and pay for her things just like I have, but I don't want her in my home much past her graduation date.  DH and SD are now talking in my presence about her living with us while she attends community college down the road (which she has repeatedly stated that she does not want to do, but she doesn't want to work full-time either) and I can feel my blood pressure rising.   

I don't hate her,   I understand the difficulties she is experiencing in this blended family.   I think that she is resilient and that she has the potential to be a better adult than she has been a child.   I believe that after she gets out on her own and sees the world that she will understand that life with me was not the Cinderella fantasy that she has created in her head, however, I don't want to live with her another minute past when I have to at this point in our lives.  I'm so tired of her behaviors.   

I wonder if my marriage will last if I make her leave.  I kinda think that it won't.    I love him and adore the time we have together without our kids (as much as I love mine and he loves his), but we have not really melded as blended family and it's been the requisit 7 years that we've been together- though we've only been married for 2.5 of that.  

Anyone else have advice?