How should this be approached?
Hi all,
So to start, DH’s kids have been subjected to extreme parental alienation for pretty much a decade- with it really coming to a head the past year and him not seeing them now for close to a year. He has fought through court for years and years as well and just kept spinning his wheels- we have exhausted all avenues and have spent a seriously insane amount of money on doing so. The ex is severe BPD and this also isn’t her first parental alienation rodeo (she has kids from a prior marriage she did the exact same to).... she will never change and is an expert.
The kids (who are teenagers now) just say they don’t want to see DH but don’t give reason- aside from that he takes mom to court (to try to see them because she refuses to abide by orders and the courts don’t do anything in the way of penalties for her). It has been a nightmare to deal with for years and heartbreaking to deal with for us and all of DH’s family. DH and his family were dealing with this for many years before we got together as well... it ramped up even more when we got married 3 years ago. This situation was our primary focus for years and have just had to back off the past while because it was absolutely out of control.
This woman has also alienated her own family as well for the most part so all these kids have is her. She has had a few violent outbursts where she sends her “flying monkeys” over the years, and just is a very very classic borderline alienator. Don’t want to relay too much detail (just in case)- but some of what she has done is truly insane.
Well we just found out a few weeks ago that we’re pregnant (9 weeks tomorrow)... we have been trying for over a year now and honestly were at the point where we just sort of thought it wasn’t going to happen. All of our family is over the moon excited (and so are we).
How do we go about telling the kids? DH sends them emails that they don’t respond to- and very likely the ex monitors the email or has given them new email accounts. She has blocked DH from the devices he bought them, and taken them away. They are court ordered to call him but it NEVER happens and hasn’t for the past year.
If we don’t tell them and they find out it will be that nail in the coffin- “how dare they not tell you!!”, and “your dad cares so little about you that he would keep your own flesh and blood sibling a secret from you!!”. But also telling them will result in “you are being replaced”, and “this isn’t an actual sibling and you shouldn’t care” or whatever (even though they have half siblings from her as well),... I can just imagine all the garbage this woman will throw at them. How on earth do we approach this??
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My situation is a little different to yours
When i met my husband the exwife had already kidnapped their 2 daughters and cut off all contact. Hubby had sole custody of ss and exwife never contacted him for like 6 years.
when we married hubby said there was no way to find out where the exwife ran off to, her whole family were batshit crazy, they had threatened to kill hubby multiple times if he didn’t pay her more money in the divorce, she had pas’d their 3 kids from hubby and his whole family and put her kids central in the divorce to traumatise them out of spite and narcissm.
Hubby didn’t want another repeat of going to courts to locate the sd’s because he knew that would be the end of their relationship.
Well 3.5 years into our marriage eldest sd23 reinitiates contact with hubby, says they knew he remarried and had new kids etc, their mums close friends at hubbys work had relayed all pertinent info like him meeting me, marrying me and having kids.
She used this initially as another angle to protect her girls against their imaginary evil dad, that he converted out of their religion to marry a half naked caucasian whore, eventually sd23 came across a pic of her 1st cousin (hubbys nephew) holding our daughter and they had both fallen asleep together. This put doubts in sd head well if dad is so evil why is his family all on good terms and they started to ask questions and to a narcissist they go into damage control.
Exwife mid last year suddenly had an epiphany they need to play happy family for the sake of their kids since they both remarried etc blah blah blah.
a few months before marrying hubby i did bring it up his daughters now knowing upfront he was remarrying but hubby said there was no way to contact them but he would never let them guilt him for moving on in his life because irrespective of their mums narcissm and pas, the daughters chose to abandon their dad and cease any contact including their own brother, thats a decision they have to accept whether they do or don’t is another story
the sd’s have said they know the situation they were in and nastiness of the divorce and they knew dad remarried and had kids but thats all in the pass...
like some have said, its beyond your control how to address this in a perfect way. With a hcgubm, narcissist, pas, batshit crazy etc.... normal or perfect is never gonna happen... that is whats normal so accept that nothing will be 100% perfect.
all you can do is relay the facts, keep copy of any records, emails sent stating dad contacted to advise he was remarrying, if your mum didn’t pass this info to you then you need to take it up with her, thats not on me. Put bio mum on the spot to take responsibility for her actions but i’m sure she will still find a way to manipulate and twist things around
my husband has no contact with his wife. He just deals with kids directly but the relationship is so damaged and dysfunctional its such a shame. Jut understand that this is what may very well happen
Yeah, I agree with shamds.
Yeah, I agree with shamds. Sent emails and print and save them for the future. I'm not sure what else you can do - as the others have said, BM will twist it no matter what.
I feel for your husband, yet
I feel for your husband, yet he created children with a woman who had done the same thing previously with a different set of children. Just what did he expect? The kids probably won't come around until they're adults. Like others said, keep all the evidence of trying to contact and have a relationship with them. This is really all you can do.
I have been so upset with him
I have been so upset with him so many times about exactly this.... why would you have kids with her when you saw what she did to her first husband?! It makes my skin crawl when I think about it.
But the thing is that HE himself was once one of the believers of the games she plays, and the lies she tells, and her manipulation tactics. When she would say that her ex was mentally abusive and a liar and would make up all these stories about how he just wanted to torture her he believed it all.... just like people (including the kids) believe what she says now. She has contacted me before even and she is very focussed and goes out of her way to convince people- the only reason I KNEW she was lying was because DH had shared prior communications from her!
It is just such a sad situation- he is such a good father, and literally the kindest person on earth (I know I’m bias, but he legitimately is). I’m personally not certain the kids will ever come around? They know they don’t have actual reason but so far it seems they have taken on a lot of her traits.