Is this soft PAS?
A little background, DH and BM have an ongoing court case. DH has primary custody but BM is trying to argue for 50/50. And in her argument, on a legal document, BM has called SD "spoiled and bratty".
The other night as DH and I were saying goodnight to SD6 she said she wanted to tell us something. SD said that the Monday following a weekend possession with BM (DH has primary custody), SD asked BM if the next weekend she'd be with dad. BM advised her yes and SD said "yay!" As a response and BM reacted by telling the child that she was being "kind of mean".
Last Fall, we had SD for Thanksgiving and BM had SD for the first half of Christmas break. This year it will switch. Anyway, because of that she had 14 days with DH. This was never explicitly told in those terms to SD. She was just advised she'd be spending Thanksgiving break with us. After her next possession with BM, she came back to our house and said "I want to have 14 days with BM". Mind you, this is a child who has often cried about going to BM's and again we never used any exact number of days when talking to SD.
Last Fall she also had a bout of saying "Oh I have more fun at mommy's" just out of the blue.
Now, my MIL and FIL are coming to spend a week with us and they haven't seen SD in over a year. As the CO stands, BM also gets SD Thursdays during the school year. The last day of school is a Thursday. So DH asked BM if we could have SD that day and explained MIL and FIL will be here. And DH offered in exchange to make one of her summer weekend possessions longer by a day. Mind you BM is already going to have SD most of the summer because of how she chose her 30 days of summer. And BM instead tried to interrupt DH's extended summer possession and now won't agree to give us the Thursday.
I guess my question is if any of this is a form of PAS? Or am I just overthinking?
**EDIT ***
BM has also behind DH's back collected open house school activities and done them at home with SD and stepdad vs allowing SD to attend open house and do the activities with BM and DH.
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Comments
While it's good to be
While it's good to be flexible, BM does not have to give up her day with SD because your IL's are in town. The fact that parenting time is referred to as "possession" is a bit weird. I'm not sure what the issue is about the open house activities. My understanding is that all parents are invited to the open house and it would be up to your DH know about what is going on at SD's school.
The CO refers to the
The CO refers to the parenting time as possession time.
And DH did in fact know about the open house but BM chose to not take her to open house.
BM chose not to go to the
BM chose not to go to the open house on her time. Not sure what the issue is. If DH really was interested in doing activities with SD he could have went, collected the activity instructions and done them with her on his own time. It sounds like DH needs to practice parallel parenting and not worry about every little thing that is happening while SD is with her mother.
It's the rare parent that
It's the rare parent that does absolutely NO alienating behavior after a divorce. But yes, some of those are alienating behaviors. Women who alienate often don't do it on purpose - they feel insecure about not being the "favorite" parent.
Alienating behaviors are one part of the equation - the other part is a child who is vulnerable to being alienated. Not all kids fall for it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS6WkYYm11c
Next Dr. Childress explains attachment system...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZqjJJVXJZA&t=10s
I don’t know if it’s
I don’t know if it’s alienation level but it’s something. My dh also has primary and lately SS has been coming home saying he wants “equal” time with his mom. Not something he would consider at his age on his own since technically his mom gets more individual time with him. We have weekdays so he’s in school most of “our” time. When I asked him why he said “that’s whats fair” then followed up with “I just want more time to be there. To play my PlayStation. But ya know if I had a PlayStation here I wouldn’t even want to go over there”
sooooo yeah. BM is putting the bug in his ear and as the Disney parent with a sugar daddy fiancé sporting the bill, she can continuously buy his love and attention.
How about next time stop
How about next time stop asking her about her time with her mom and step dad.
When she comes back to your house...say Are you hungry? Dad can throw burgers on the grill....OR.....Do you have your things ready for school tomorrow. "I" bought icecream if you want some, it's in the freezer....
Not understanding why you
Not understanding why you think it's wrong to ask her how her time went. We never talk negative about BM or stepdad. SD should know she has a safe space to talk about her BM, stepdad, and half sister.
It does everyone a disservice to act like the other family doesn't exist. She loves her family and we will continue to encourage her to have positive relationships with them.