Desperately in need of advice
I am at my wit's end with my 13-year-old SD and her personal hygiene issues. Here is the story, I'll try to make it as short as possible. SD 13 has had a long history of chronic UTIS, urethra surgery, and wetting the bed. I realize that she has some medical issues but she won't clean herself up after soaking herself in urine at her mother' house. She goes to sleep in her clothes, pees in them and just wears them again instead of changing or washing them. This also happens with her sheets.
She comes down to our place once per month and each time I have to sit in the car and try not to gag because of the smell of rancid urine coming off of her. I assume someone is going to notice at school soon and I don't she mentally capable of handling that. She is coddled a lot by her mother and has not learned to commit to a personal hygiene plan. We have to threaten punishment to get her to shower and brush her teeth.
IMO this is neglect and my DH refuses to do anything about it but his daughter's health and mental health are very much at stake. My question is should I call child protective services? SD's sister has left school and her mother has not forced her to return so I am concerned about that too. In the state they live in, it is state law to report child neglect and I am pretty sure letting your daughter sleep on urine-soaked sheets and go out in public wearing urine soaked clothes is neglect. My DH is going to freak out if I call CPS but this kid needs medical attention and needs to learn to properly clean herself.
I dunno - at 13, they may not
I dunno - at 13, they may not call that neglect. She's fully capable of cleaning herself, changing her clothes and doing the laundry, and doesn't do it. BM will just say she refuses to do it (which is true, most likely), and she can't tackle her and strip her clothes off.
Why are you
One. Picking her up. ? Why isn’t DH doing it,
Two. letting her in your home, smelling like that?
Three, letting DH not doing anything about it ?
I personally, what even that means, would not let a 13 yo child stink up my home. I would not live like that. I do not live like that normally. Not going to do it for a SD, New ruled. When SD walks in the front door, she walks right to bathroom, does not stop at go, Takes a shower, a real shower, DH washes her clothes, by themselves. Maybe two or three times.
Dr appt before CPS
I would have DH take her to a Dr appt before calling CPS. Have DH have a conversation with the Dr or nurse beforehand about hygiene and cleanliness and see if a medical professional will review hygiene with her. I'm sure many of the good smelling soaps and washes would just irritate things so there may be some fragrence free soaps or detergent that would help.
Call anonymously.... or ...
Call anonymously.... or ... take her to a Doctor or other manditory reporting authority and initiate the authorities getting involved.
When CPS is hip deep up BM's ass... shit will happen and this kid just might have a chance.
Keeping mind that the most likely result will be your DH getting custody. So be ready.
Don't call CPS until
Don't call CPS until absolutely every other avenue is walked. You're messing with someone's precious kid when you call CPS, and their job, their legal status, their everything, so you should imagine all the possible ramifications that could result from that phone call before you pull the trigger.
Like...what if you make that call and they take her out of the home for some reason. Where do you think she'd land? Or what is CPS shows up and finds drugs or something else and BM ends up in jail? Of course, you want to help the kid, but once an agency or anyone else is involved, what happens is out of your hands, so you want to be careful how you proceed.
SD is old enough to fish info from that might tell you if BM is neglectful. So maybe fish around very carefully to find out how BM addresses the bedwetting, if at all. Maybe the kid will say, "Oh, BM is out every night, so my soiled sheets don't come up." Well, that would tell you something, huh? Or SD might tell you, "Mom and I had a huge fight about the sheets again last night..." which would tell you BM is trying to mitigate the situation, even if it's not working.
Because, right now, you don't really know who the problem is, right? Maybe BM talked over and over to the kid about hygiene, punished her when she didn't shower, etc., and it hasn't worked, which would mean the kid has a problem. Or, maybe the mom doesn't notice the kid's smell or she doesn't care if her kid stinks because BM's never home, in which case, it would seem mom is the problem and the kid is just ignorant because she's just a kid. So you don't really know if CPS is the appropriate agency to call because you don't really know why the kid stinks.
And maybe BM is slacking, but here's the thing...at SD's age, she should be picking up on social cues from peers. On her own, SD should be realizing other kids don't smell like she does, other houses don't smell like hers, etc. So that makes me think maybe SD is the problem -- she's not seeing anything different about how she lives from her peers. That's worrisome.
Regardless, by calling CPS, you're suggesting BM is to blame, and you don't know for sure that she isn't just as frustrated and disgusted by her kid as you, right?
I disagree that you should pull SD aside and tell her she stinks. SD might be a victim of BM's neglect, or SD might have a mental illness brewing that is making her ignore personal hygiene, or maybe she's just lazy, but either way, if my SM pulled me aside to tell me I stink, I would never forgive her. There's a kinder way of doing it; and for a SM, it's dangerous to address something so personal and potentially humiliating -- stepparents aren't forgiven the way parents are. Leave this task to her parent if you can.
I think a trip to a doctor could help give you some tips about how to care for a kid with chronic UTIs. A kid repeatedly sleeping in urine will end up with other health issues, so that must be addressed.
Also, at her age, her appearance should start to take precedence over other things. Hopefully, at that point, this hygiene problem will fix itself. But I'm wondering if your SD might have some depression -- either resulting FROM the bedwetting issue or resulting IN the bedwetting issue. At her age, sleepovers, camp, gym class, etc., must be getting difficult if she's still bedwetting. She might soon become very motivated to help herself get over this as she enters her teens. You can be an ally in that, but if you start out the journey by telling her she stinks, the journey might be very short!