Hate being a Step Parent but feel so awful talking about it :(

Forums:

Hey everyone!

I'm hoping to be able to use this platform to work out if I'm not alone with the feelings I have or if I'm just an awful person. I'm hoping for the first option.

Bit of a background on the situation. I am married and have no bio kids of my own. There is a 14 year age gap between me and my husband and he has 2 children from 2 previous relationships. I have a SS who is 15 but doesn't live in the UK and a SD who is 9 and we have her every second weekend.

Both kids are fantastic and very well behaved but I can't help but wish they didn't exist.

When I met my husband he was very open with the fact he had children and even though I've never been maternal, my love for him made the fact he had children not an issue - I probably should of left things before getting to deep. However it was almost love at first sight for us both the moment we met.

Years later the fact he has children really wares me down. I know it sounds REALLY selfish but I have always been used to being the main priority when it comes to relationships and I struggle dealing with the thought that I am not. I think of stupid things like if it was the end of the world and he had to choose between saving me or his daughter then he would chuck me straight into the fire pit haha.

In the two weeks we don't have SD I am a really happy person but on the Friday we collect her I have this feeling of dread in my stomach and it makes me not want to go home. I start feeling things like jealousy which sounds ridiculous I know as im not that sort of person.

What really annoys me is we will all be sat on the sofa watching a film. me on one side, husband in the middle and then SD on the other side of him. If i get up to go to the toilet or to make myself a drink she will move into my spot and sprawl over him so when I come back into the room there is nowhere for me to sit and I have to go sit on my own. He has told her to move a few times but then im conflicted as I start To feel bad for her as she only sees him every 14 days but then the other part of me is really happy that hes pushed her to one side. Its an never ending battle with my emotions.

I just hate her being around but there is nothing I can do. I would NEVER stop him seeing her btu where does that leave me. Its making me feel awful emotionally.

Another one of my issues is the CSA payments. He pays £200 a month to each of the mothers but then is left with no money for us. I am the only one who pays for bills, food shopping etc. I even give him money for fuel and cigarettes. Theres no birthday presents or Christmas presents to me from him. No weekends away. I just can't help but think sometimes that I deserve to be with someone who will make me feel special.

On the flip side though I know a lot of you will tell me to leave him but he is the love of my life. Those 2 weeks between having SD we are amazing together. I just wish it could be like that all the time

Any suggestions on how I can get past this situation?

You have come to the right place to vent!

Welcome.

Your problems are with your DH, imho. First, he needs to get a better job. Second, he needs to quit smoking. I dont know what cigarettes cost where you live, but that expense has to go. Third, he needs to make her understand you have a place in the house.

It's about £12 for every pack

It's about £12 for every pack of cigarettes. If he smokes 1 pack a day, that's basically child support.

Huh? She's supporting this mooch?

Did I read it right? He's not paying half the utilities, mortgage etc.? Nothing...in addition she's supporting his nasty smoking habit? Wouldn't matter if they were renting or it's her home. Both need to pay the bills. Basically she's also supporting his kids.

Since you don't have any kids together I would get out of this asap. You are young enough to find a responsible partner, and one without kids. Either way, I'd rather be on my own with peace and quiet.

STOP paying the bills...then

STOP paying the bills...then you will see how much HE loves you.

He needs a 2nd job to support his family. Your husband is only support his ex's...and you are supporting him AND his ex's..

This guy

Is paying 400 pounds a month in CS. Minimum wage in the UK is 8 pounds an hour. I dont see he is even working full time one job. Either he is hiding money or he is slacking.

He's earning only 400 (pounds

He's earning only 400 (pounds I think, that symbol isn't on my keyboard) a month? Does he collect cans for a living? That would be a non-starter for me.

Agree DH problem

He had two kids and no way to support them and himself. He needs a better job, or do an additional job so there is money for some fun weekends. £400 a month should not put into such financial problems

Apologies,

He gets paid weekly. So he will get £150 a week. £100 of that goes trsiaght into savings for his monthly payments. The other £50 goes towards things like car insuarnce and his phone bill. I hope that clears things up.

I'm American, so forgive my

I'm American, so forgive my ignorance, but 600 pounds a month seems like a low salary - and if that is all he makes, having to give more than half of that for Child Support seems unfair. Is he underemployed?

The 500 seems to be net

I dont know how the UK works, I assume this may be net of payroll taxes, or the local equivalent. Does not change my response, he needs to up his game. 400 pounds a month does not seem like a lot for CS for two kids.

Changes must be made

He needs to cut out cigarettes, either get a second job or evaluate whether he needs a car. When does CS end for older kid, that should help a little, but changes still need to be made. GL

What????

I have immediate family member living in UK. Most certainly she isn’t making 150 a week. Even when she was in college and worked part time minimum wages, she was paid more than that. He only works 20 hours a week minimum wage job? Why???

Also I own my house - its in

Also I own my house - its in my name. So if I stop paying the bills I'm only going to end up hurting myself unfortuantly.

YOu can certainly stop giving him cash

For cigarettes, etc. He should be paying part of groceries too.

I am the only one who pays

I am the only one who pays for bills, food shopping etc. I even give him money for fuel and cigarettes.

So, he is like your child!

Even if you are okay with supporting him, there is no way in hell I would be supporting his smoking habit.

You own the house...WOW that

You own the house...WOW that makes him more of a mooch then before.

That is what we call "being played' .

I am so sorry

I think the consensus on the board

At least when DH owns the house, is that unless DW acquires rights to the house, she should not be expected to pay for the house. I do think rules should be the same regardless of gender.

However, once one spouse is providing housing, there is no way, at least in my opinion, on God's green earth that the homeowner spouse should be subsidizing anything more. Not grocery bill, not gas, not cigarettes.

I actually don't agree to the

I actually don't agree to the "no name.. no pay" theory. I think whether your name is on the home or not.. you pay to live there. I mean.. you rent a house.. you don't refuse to pay your landlord the rent correct?

What you don't pay for is repairs.. maintenance.. improvements. But you should be paying an EQUITABLE amount that would be considered RENT to the owner of the home. So.. this guy absolutely should be paying her something to live in the home.

Even if the home was fully paid for and she didn't have a mortgage.. he should pay her rent regardless.. to cover wear and tear etc.. Now... you can consider things like doing work to offset that value.. but he should be paying something.

I do not disagree

But I think the ground rules should be gender neutral

Of course. It absolutely

Of course. It absolutely should be gender neutral. Everyone should be paying.. or paying in kind for their "rent". I will even bake in some allowance for reasonable rent because there could be situations where one partner makes a lot more and already owns a home that has a much higher "rent value" than their partner might otherwise have signed up for. I don't think that rent is necessarily take your mortgage and split that cost.. but maybe what might be reasonable contribution as rent.. like if someone were to just rent a room in your home. That might not be near a full share of total housing costs.

This might mean that the step-mother doesn't "pay rent" with cash.. but instead fulfills care and transportation for HIS children.

It might mean that a step-father might be on disability and pay a lower rent but be home in the afternoons so the skids don't have to go daycare

It might be that the partner is well skilled in all manner of handy person things.. so you are never having to call a lawn service, plumber, electrician etc... and so they don't pay a lot in cash.. but offset other costs that might otherwise have to be paid to someone outside the home.

It isn't a hard and fast rule.. but the argument of "Well, you were paying this on your own before I got here.. and my name isn't on the deed.. so all I am going to pay is my share of groceries" ??? NOPE. Before you were here, I had the home to myself.. didn't have to share.. didn't have to deal with your kids.. had absolute peace and privacy..

In the recent case STaround

In the recent case STaround is talking about...it was a childless woman living in a big home with a husband who had three kids from a previous marriage who made a lot more...and she was paying half of the mortgage in "rent" to this husband while building no equity in the home.

That's insane. It's not fair to pay the mortgage as "rent" when the fact that you're married to this person is what's making this house the house you have to live in. That prevents you from building your own equity or savings...because of a living choice that you had no say in and that mostly benefits someone else's kids. Absurd expectation.

And all the "landlord" comparisons are both ridiculous and insulting. No...I wouldn't refuse to give my "landlord" rent...but, then again, my "landlord" wouldn't expect me to put up with his kids 8-12 days a month, have sex with him, make him dinner, or talk to him about his day...

In this situation, we have a man who brings a kid into the home who isn't even beginning to pay his fair share. Not a similar situation in the least. But I see the "double standards" police are out in full force...despite the fact that there, as always, is no double standard.

I don't remember that one.

I don't remember that one. There was a post a couple months ago by a woman with 2 stepkids who was paying $150 (NZD) a week and her husband wanted her to pay half the mortgage when the house was going to his kids. No one here thought that was appropriate. The responses ranged from her paying nothing to paying what would be equivalent to "rent" for her share of the home.

Personally, I believe the couple should do whatever they agree works for them. It is clear that the situation here is not working for OP. It wouldn't work for me either. That's why DH and I worked out our financial situation before we married. It saves a lot of potential resentment.

I don't agree with paying

I don't agree with paying "rent" to your spouse, regardless of gender. If you're married and are living together, you're essentially being forced to "rent" instead of building up your own equity in a property and/or savings. That's unfair. You should get your name on the home and start paying the mortgage together...or you shouldn't pay and be allowed to put some $$ into savings. Anything else leaves you far too financially vulnerable, and I can't imagine a spouse forcing you to "rent" to build equity in their name while you're left vulnerable. That's not very loving.

It's particularly unfair when it's a childless stepmom being forced to "rent" from her husband with three kids...and we hear that her "rent" is half of the mortgage for a house that's bigger than what she'd need on her own. That seems like the "husband" is using his wife to subsidize living for his kids while not letting her have any of the benefit or build any of the equity.

In this case, we have a husband who is barely paying for anything other than CS and is bringing his kid into her home. This isn't even close to being the same as the situation where we tell a childless woman to NOT pay a man with 3 kids "rent" for a home that's not hers. Well, except that in both cases the husbands are being users and losers. But thank you for playing.

No - what's been said on here

No - what's been said on here, is that most of us would not agree to be in a situation where we were paying "rent" to our spouse, with no equity in the home that we live in - not that if one person owns the house, the other doesn't need to pay anything.

deleted

I understand your feelings.

I understand your feelings. Things are always better when skids aren't here, and yes I've experienced the jealousy. However, when SD9 used to try to steal my spot on the couch, we made her move and it is established that it is my spot. I'm the adult, and I refuse to let a child push me out of a spot. Your SD has a spot on the other side, there is no need for her to take yours as well. You would be better off establishing your role as an adult in the house and showing her early on that you will not be pushed aside. If she starts thinking she can push you around, you are in for a world of hurt. You aren't a terrible person for feeling these things, step-life is one of the most confusing things I've ever done. I hate some of the feelings I have.

That being said, if my SO was mooching off of me and not making enough to support his kids, I would have a hard time looking at him the same. If I had to buy him cigarettes, that may be a deal-breaker. It's a very unattractive quality for a man to not be able to even support himself and his kids. Can he honestly not do more? Get a better job? A 2nd job? He absolutely could be doing more, but he's not. You should not have to carry the team. My SO supports his kids, pays child support even though we have majority custody, and pays the majority of our bills.

I would start having some serious talks with your DH about how things need to change.

Yikes girl.

Really take to heart all of these comments. Everyone is saying the same thing.

I know you think you love him... but honestly, why? It sounds like he is a bad parent and he can't support himself. What is making him so lovable? How did he support himself before you started doing it for him? Where did he live? How quickly into the relationship did he move in?

Sometimes "love" is NOT enough. There is A LOT more to a good relationship than love.

Wow. The man manages to see

Wow. The man manages to see one of his two children two rounds of 48hrs a month and pays a very measly (roughly $450 US) child support to the mothers for his two children.

And he still manages to be broke. That's sad.

I don't see how you believe that CS amount back in his pocket would magically make his finances wonderfully ok and you'd be wined and dined and treated to lots of presents and outings. Honestly, at his age (you said 14yrs your sr) the man should be totally disgusted with himself. He had nothing to offer you or a relationship to start with and when he tosses in previous obligations? *shaking my head*

You own your own home, make enough t support yourself (and your free loading BF) in addition to really not wanting children in your at this point. So what drew you into this man's orbit?

Love is never enough.

£400 would be more than $450

£400 would be more than $450 USD, it’d be over $500. Considering he’s only bringing in £600/month, £400 is an enormous amount for him to be paying. It makes zero sense that he’s paying that amount when he’s earning well below the poverty line.

That said, I completely agree with you. This man is bringing nothing to their relationship & she’s footing the entire bill. I would never be ok with this.

Ok, so $516 , big deal. Still

Ok, so $516 , big deal. Still peanuts.

My guess is the man is based on potential not what he under employs himself at. If the guy smokes three cartons of smokes a month here he'd be paying US dollars of $300 to $400 for them (depending on where one lives and the up tax placed in area).... yet OP hands him money for smokes.

I'm certainly not going to advocate these two homes of his two children receive less CS because Daddy wants to smoke or seems happy enough sponging off young females for a living.

For a lot of people an extra

For a lot of people an extra $516/month IS a big deal?

I never said he should pay less CS, I said he needs a better job. He’s mooching off OP & I have no idea why she’s allowing it. I’m failing to see anything fantastic about this guy.

I live in the UK, your DH

I live in the UK, your DH needs a better job. Period. I know women who work part time & bring home more than £600 a month & they only make £8/hour.. Why is he paying £400 in CS if he’s only bringing home £600? How on earth did he survive before you entered the picture? He’s using you, this really isn’t ok.

Also, anytime one of my skids have taken my spot, I simply tell them to move. They’re kids, I’m the adult, they don’t get to determine where I sit. I’m never nasty about it, and they’re usually doing it for a laugh, but still.

What is this guy contributing to your marriage if you pay the bills, you never get to be treated the way you want to because he never has any money, and his DD seems to call the shots? I’m not seeing what’s so great about him at all.

Honestly, I think that I

Honestly, I think that I would probably choose to not be with a man in such poor financial shape.. no matter what the reason for that shape was. As it happens.. support payments are part of what puts him in this place.. but a low paying job.. bad habits.. also contribute.

Even if his kids weren't in the picture.. I bet you would be no more of a financial priority to him.. he would likely spend any extra on things for himself.

I understand your frustration with his child situation.. but honestly.. the little bit of time he has them.. you could figure out how to deal with that.. the problem is that he is a poor partner the rest of the time.. leaning on you to support him.

How ca. He work full time

And only make £ 150 a week. No wonder why his support is so high. He doesnt want to work. You have more problems then you think. You are with a “ man”. Who doesn’t want to support himself, first of all, doesn’t want to support his kids, Or YOU.

How ca. He work full time

It sounds like you only have

It sounds like you only have your SD 4-6 days a month, and your SS not at all. Honestly, that's not so bad. Are you expected to do extra when SD is around? Do you have to cook for her, clean up after her, chauffeur her around, entertain her, make plans for her, etc.? If so and you don't want to do it, have your husband do everything for her. Are you expected to turn your life upside down and spend every other weekend entertaining SD and doing only what she wants to do? If so, it's fair to bring that up with your husband and let him know your lives can't totally revolve around SD, even for 2 weekends a month. He needs to be consistent on things like not letting her take your spot, and you shouldn't feel bad about that. If none of this is the case and he's doing everything already and the child is well behaved and respectful, then I think this is one of those rare situations where I'd say you knew he had kids and you'll need to live with it or leave. But vent away on here - we understand.

What concerns me more about your situation is the financial side. I can't comprehend how much of his small income your H is expected to pay in CS. Why is that? How would he survive but for you? Is he working full time? Is he underemployed? I don't know how you're not resentful of him - he needs to pull his weight. He needs a better job or an additional job. Is he at least doing all the work around the house to try to pay his share? If not, it sounds like he's using you. You might want to think about why you're allowing that.

The "end of the world"

The "end of the world" scenario is definitely one I've ran through in my head. And what if we have kids? Am I expected to save our kids, and he saves his? How is that fair to our kids. It seemed a bit ridiculous to me at first, until I realized that it really is an exaggerated day to day scenario. Daddy's time is limited, does he spend it helping me with our future kids (don't have any yet), or does he spend it with his kid and I pick up the slack with ours? Or does he buy his daughter gifts and I'm expected to fund things for our shared kid? It's quite frustrating, so I totally get where you're coming from there.

As far as the rest of it, you really have it a bit better than most, because the children are well-behaved for the most part. Perhaps communicate to your partner that there's some boundaries you would like seen put in place that would make you more comfortable with the situation. Afterall, when those kids move on and start their own families, it will just be you and him. Does he want to ruin that now, or build a great foundation for later?

I'm in the US so not sure how

I'm in the US so not sure how it works in the UK, but is his child support not based on his income? It seems that his CS payments don't make sense given his income. I'm not suggesting they should be lower because he needs to support his kids, I am just wondering how it was calculated. Can he not get a better paying job?

So many issues here ... first, do not allow anyone to push you off the couch in your own home. If SD took my seat while I was in the bathroom, I would tell her to get up and move when I got back. YOU are the adult and it is YOUR house. Your bf needs to back you on this too or you will just look like the evil gf.

Why are you giving this man money??? For god sakes.. If he can't afford his habit, he needs to quit smoking. There's so much wrong here, its hard to even put into words but bottom line is it sounds like you are being used for your money, as pretty much everyone else has already stated. Please don't ignore all these red flags!!

Marrital resources are used

Marital resources are used to pay marital expenses. If one spouse owns the home that the couple lives in... why should one spouse pay the other? That is just whacky IMHO.

Nope, one partner does not pay the other rent. Yes, if both partners earn both can contribute to the costs of the household. One partner paying the other rent is nothing more from moving money from one pocket to the other in the same pair of pants.

If he has nothing left after

If he has nothing left after paying 400, then he needs a better job.

And why is he smoking if he is destitute?

You are his sugar momma

You are here

Hate being a Step Parent but feel so awful talking about it :(