Let's play "Guess BM's Motivation"!
So, we go the mediation report on Friday evening. Seven pages. I am still digesting it and lots of information I left out from my last post, which will be up for a little bit longer for background if anyone is interested.
DH and I were really bummed because so much of the report is factually incorrect and places responsibility on DH for things he did not do. However, it really is still "a win" for us because the court services interviewer acknowledged BM was not consistently medically compliant with a history of relapse, so the recommendation is for BM to have supervised visits for roughly the next year. GBM is the current supervisor and even though she lives hundreds and hundreds of miles from BM, she has been living with BM for the past four to six weeks to supervise BM's visits.
GBM is still in town, but DH gets a message from BM yesterday that's pages long, but boils down to: "I read the report. It sounds like the kids don't want to see me or be around me ever again because it's too painful for them." (The report specifically states the kids say they enjoy spending time with their mother but do not want to be alone with her.) "if this is going to be going on for another year, then I think them seeing me two or three times a week is too much because it's so painful for them. I think we should ask them how much they want to see me. Maybe it should be once or twice a month. And I can't see them tomorrow. This week has been so stressful for me and I just can't pretend to be happy. Tell them I'm sick."
End scene.
WTF is up with this? Why is she canceling? Especially when the ONE person who is legally able to supervise is still in town -- for the sole purpose of supervising!! She's been all up our butts, filing court docs that state she's ready to have the skids as much as possible (and of course CS too). The entire mediation report was negative towards DH and only minimally critical of BM except stating she's relapsed a number of times and needs to prove she's medically compliant for one year. The report also says the kids want to see her, just not be alone with her. So why is she saying the skids don't? And why, oh why, is she trying to put the responsibility of visits on the shoulders of a 13 and 8 year old??
It's really useless to try to reason out the crazy, but I can't help but wonder what's going on here since she's been fighting tooth and nail for more and easier visitation time.
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I’m betting it’s because
I’m betting it’s because visits will remain supervised for a year and that means no possibility of CS for another year.
Because she lost. She wanted
Because she lost. She wanted custody and child support and seeing the kids is not important to her. She has an out and she’s taking it.
^this. This is exactly what
^this. This is exactly what my ODS dad did. Only wanted visitation when it was on his terms and said screw it altogether when it wasnt what was useful for him anymore.
My other possible guess would be that it's a manipulation tactic to get you to drop the supervised part by basically threatening that she just wont see them at all then.
The manipulation tactic... DH
The manipulation tactic... DH agrees with this. He's not sure how she's going to use it to her advantage, but he thinks few weeks' time, BM will be on a rampage with the "I AM THE MOTHER" BS and demanding another increase in visitation. Of course, she'll need to agree to someone first.
Is there any reason the court would slap her hand over the fact that she's refused every single person DH has offered and she has offered no one other than the ex-boyfriend? Court at the end of the month so we'll find out.
Save that message.
Save that message.
DH did, but do you think it
DH did, but do you think it will help with anything?
I feel like we keep submitting things and they go no where, they are rarely mentioned. If BM herself wasn't such an active hot mess, and you couldn't see it with your own eyes, I feel like the court might ignore everything DH has submitted. It's like the only reason she gets told "no" is because she's doing yoga and reciting Hail Marys while the judge is still talking.
But I thought that the non custodial parent doesn't have to take any time with their kids if they didn't want to? And isn't she technically being responsible? "Hey, I'm depressed and upset and can't take the kids." In a thousand ways, it would've been nice if she'd have told us this when it started.
Mentally ill people often
Mentally ill people often aren't very good at follow through, adhering to rules, or accepting structure. Your BM wants what she wants (with your H subsidizing it, of course), and from her pov, the courts aren't cooperating fast enough.
Additionally, it may have been hard for her to read the mediator's assessment and see in print cold hard facts regarding her mental illness and poor choices.
It's just soooo hard to have to follow court orders, and she's looking at many more months of having to manage her illness and meet other hard criteria. Also, there could be other pressures affecting her and provoking her to claim victim status. Her finances must be strained, and perhaps her parents are drawing some hard lines with her?
Bottom line is, this is common stuff with parents who lose custody. It's never their fault, the world is out to get them, poor poor me, etc. Sadly she'll probably spin in and out of her kids' (and your) lives for many years to come, which is why it's so important for those girls to continue therapy. You and your H might want to look into couseling as well. You're all going to be affected by BM and her mental illness, and deserve to have as many tools as possible to deal with the chaos she'll foist on you all.
Therapy for me this week!
Therapy for me this week! Haha.
I feel like I've aged 20 years in the last 10 months. We've been here before (the court, the chaos, the uncertainty) and I know I feel 100 years old each time it happens, and then eventually it "evens out" for a while and I feel a pep in my step again... rinse and repeat.
I keep coming back to the idea that she is either incredibly stupid or her mental illness is really so debilitating it prevents her from basic functioning, even when she's medicated. For example, she should not be financially strained. She is working part time and still getting thousands a month in alimony. Someone should be helping her manage this. Her parents? An accountant? So while I know she makes poor financial choices, I don't understand how the CS can matter to the extent it does when she really doesn't have anything showy or big-ticket to pay for. But she's complained about being broke every time she's in court, and often says her "poverty" is what keeps her from being able to get treatment.
I do think her comment about "what a hard week it's been" is in someway related to the mediator's assessment and as you said, her seeing "cold hard facts regarding her mental illness and poor choices in print". DH said she cried in mediation when she read OSD's letter about her fear of and fear for her mom. Of course, she then turned around and denied everything OSD said happened so...
CHILD SUPPORT
BM wants major CS and extra other money, doctors bills, day care. so she doesn’t have to work, She wants you to support her ! Now that it’s not going to happen. She doesn’t care about the kids,
Money
Addicts are master manipulators.
Realizing that in it's truest form, is difficult for normal range people. PLUS her mom was nice enough to sup visits for a short term, but for lONG term,,frankly I dont blame her for going back to her own home. There may be a very good change that GBM has been dealing with BM's shenanigans for longer than anyone realizes and GBM has had enough.
My guess of BM's motivation is because she is still using in the same capacity as before. AND She has not figured out how to manipulate the kids with pathogenic parenting yet---AND without her mom on board she is lacking Minions to work on the kids. IF she had minions to help her this may have turned out totally different.
Having family sup the visits is rarely a good plan. More often than not, family has enabled the addicts behavior one way or another. Worst case is members of the family were involved in or selling OR using drugs too.
In the end---it is always about money. Often times addicts use cs for their habit long before they are busted.
DH should respond exactly in
DH should respond exactly in this way::
”I understand being a parent is stressful for you. Just let me know when you can see the kids and we will work it out. It might be a good idea to end the court proceedings since all of this has been too much for you.”
Because her version of
Because her version of winning was having more custodial time and subsequently child support just to say she has it. It was never actually about being a mother to those kids. Now her feeling are all hurt that her kids didn’t play the part she wanted them to and is playing the victim. She is most likely going to skip many visits, blame your DH or tell the kids “well you didn’t want to see me anyway, so she can go live the Non-Mom life.