Does she even know that he wants to come home one night before being taken to the funeral home/cemetary (sorry, not sure what a "mare" is)? Would your DH want her in your home on his final night? If the answer to both is no, then stay quiet about it and she can say her goodbyes at the funeral itself.

Not everything has to be shared with kids, and that includes bio. I'd want time with my DH after he passes for just us. I'd want one last night with the man I chose. I'd want my SF to have the same with my mom. It's not cruel to be selfish when losing your #1 person and wanting just a littlw more time with them, even if they are gone.

If your DH is willing, have him write a letter explaining that this was HIS decision to have the last night at home to just be with you. Or to just be with whomever he has chosen. That takes the burden off you as all you did was execute his wishes.

Really, though, do what makes this time easier on you. SD will still get a chance to say goodbye. She will still get her opportunity to throw herself over the casket and wail. It just can be with everyone else and not in your home, causing you more grief.

It's not mean. You are going to be grieving and won't need the extra hassle. She can attend the funeral like everyone else. I wouldn't even tell her he's been brought home.

Excuse my ignorance but what's a mare?

I'm sorry you're going through this and have the added stress of a step situation.

I say keep her out of your personal space. Let her know now that he's ailing so she can see or call him where he is, as long as it's not at your home. After he's home, that's your sanctuary and you need that space to enjoy with your husband and grieve when the time comes.

I'm also worried about this scenario as my husband gets older. My husband and SD had a lifetime to position themselves so this awful time wouldn't be more awkward and uncomfortable for all of us because of estrangement. Neither he nor she could figure out how to include me in their tight little relationship without me getting hurt. I've been marginalized and excluded since I met my husband and it's been easy for them -- they've always had the upperhand. But that day is coming when he's sick in my house that SD isn't allowed to enter. I told my SD a long time ago that someday her dad will be sick and that time will be a lot easier for all of us if she and I get along than if we don't. SD couldn't manage more than a few months of civility, so I plan on not feeling guilty when she can't come here to mourn her father. She should have thought about that all the years she was a complete bitch to me -- sometimes the tables turn and the upperhand goes away.

I will not do anything to cause SD more pain when the time comes, but I'm not doing anything to comfort her either. She's on her own when that day comes.

I suggest you take the same approach. Take care of yourself. Your SD will find her way on this journey without you just as she always has.

My DH and I are both retirees.  He's younger than I am and so far in great health.  But you never know what can happen.  His parents both died young (early 50s and early 60s).  My relatives live to late 80s or early 90s.  Who knows who will go first.

My DH has been adamant that he does not want a big funeral.  He's rather his body be donated or cremated.   I would have a memorial service for him at home.  And SS would not be allowed to even set foot on the grass.

In a time of grief you do NOT need someone who will pile on drama and more grief.

sd is not civil, is disrespectful, rude and creates scenes so drama and attention is on her, then its ok to ban her from your home. This is time for you to mourn, how can anyone mourn when she is creating that dramatic scene so attention is on her. This final day is about celebrating hubbys life and to mourn... 

my husband wants to retire in my country, hubby has told his 2 daughters he wants to be buried in my country when he dies. I have disengaged from the skids from years of abuse and disrespect from them and how they do the same treatment to their dad. Skids don’t have my address and should hubby die, i doubt they’d make the effort to fly over... even if they did they are not welcome in my home...

Is there someone in the family who could be “allocated” to keep her under control for the mourning period, perhaps someone who knows her past behaviours but is able to relate to her. Maybe they could be a liaison with her so she can grieve her father without causing grief to anyone else. Of course, that person would need to be comfortable with removing her from the home if her behaviour is offensive. We have done this in the past with my family and it has lessened the potential for conflict with troublesome family members but I have to admit I am dreading this situation with my SD and often think it will be me who avoids the situation not her. Good luck and my best wishes during your difficult times

I probably would. I've had an uncle that has died recently, and we had to toss someone out the door for being disruptive. (Uncle wasn't too good of a guy when dealing with people outside of the family.) I'm also 6'1'' and 200 pounds, as are my father and other uncles, so the situation was controlled well. Do you have anyone in the family that can help you squelch problems if they were to occur?

Do what you wish in your own home.  I would not invite my SD.

My DH has requested that he be cremated and wants to join his Grandson's ashes.  We have agreed and have already informed OSS of his wishes.  OSS60 will take care of it, without any drama.

SD is smart if she stays away from me, if I am still alive.  She knows that also.  No guessing in any family's mind.

It's wise to settle issues like such now.  

If someone asks where SD is, you can be nice and vague: "We just thought it might be too stressful for everyone," and then offer them something to drink and move the conversation on.

No one should press you about something like this at a funeral, so you have every right to make it clear that the subject is closed after your nice vague reply to it. If they press you more, just say, "Let's talk about it later."

If someone asks you ahead of time if she will be there, you can say you're not sure or go right back to that vague statement that doesn't actually say anything, but gets a message across just the same: "We thought it would be too stressful with everyone" and change the subject.

Remember that SD made this an ugly situation, so you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. They've all had run ins with her, so they probably won't say much. In fact, they'll probably hope she's NOT there! Once you decide how to handle this, be confident and stick to your guns. That will be one fewer thing to worry about at a stressful time.

New Zealand culture sounds fascinating! I'm going to Google "whana" right now!

My suggestion: When your DH passes, have your lawyer contact her to advise of such and advise that the service will be public however she is not invited to attend and security will be hired to manage this. Also, have your lawyer tell her that she and her family are booked for a private funeral in the chapel at the cemetery of choice on date and at time. Done. Let your lawyer handle it all. 

I'd keep her out of your home and let her mourn in the "meeting house". Protect your home, personal space, and sanctuary at all costs. Your H understands and you need to do what is best for you during this difficult time.

Past behavior being the best predictor of future behavior, you know exactly what she is likely to do.

I would say no to allowing her in your home for your DH's wake.  I would also make sure that there is a uniformed security guard, or even detail, at the grave side service to escort her out if she makes a scene. If you do decide to allow her in your home for the wake, have her shadowed by security to make sure she keeps her cool and does not start stuffing items in her clothing.

But... better yet.... keep her away from the quality elements of the family completely.

I hope that your DH's health improves.

Yes I totally would...Its not your biz to get between his last moments with his kids. Once all is said and done, i would cut everyone off

One night of her howling over her dads coffin is worth a lifetime of peace and serenity

I know if anything happens to my husband, i would gladly let his kids share their last moments, then I would move on and go full blown no contact. I loved your dad and married him till death did us part, i have no obligation to you as kids and want 0 relationship....They have BMs for that