Accused of Substance Abuse by his EX
Hi! I am new here. I have been dating my boyfriend with a 5 year old son for about one year.
He and his ex have a very strained relationship - he has had to call social services on her and the son is in therapy. She is now accusing me of being an alcoholic and drug addict and threatening to go to court to prevent me from being around her son.
These allegations are completely false - i've never even done drugs! - but she has screenshot my private social media accounts from when i was in my early 20's that show me drinking wine and being hung over. I'm a very responsible and kind person, with no history of any substance abuse, I have never even received a speeding ticket, i have a great job, close with my family, babysit my neices and nephews.
Do I have anything to worry about?
I don't think social media
I don't think social media posts from years ago.. would be an issue.. as long as you were doing something legal.
Why don’t people keep their
Why don’t people keep their social media private??’ Regardless, run. Fast. Go through these posts. Misery ahead.
It was private - she created
It was private - she created a false account, followed me and my friends, colleagues and family.
No. It wasn't illegal, and
No. It wasn't illegal, and it was over a year ago. She can make an ass of herself if she wants to, just ignore her.
Get out - now. No man is
Get out - now. No man is worth going through what you are about to go through with a crazy ex like that.
If she is lying - in writing
If she is lying - in writing about you I would file a lawsuit about it. That's libel.
"Do I have anything to worry
"Do I have anything to worry about?"
Welllll, not with this false issue crazy bm is currently ranting about.
HOWEVER, think long and hard about this relationship. How do you feel right now dealing with this situation? Really think. It sucks pretty bad doesn't it?
Now, how do you feel about dealing with situations like this... and worse for at least the next 13 years. Over a DECADE of bull crap. Now also imagine bm whispers all kinds of nasties to the child and turns him against you and he also starts a smear campaign against you and treats you and your home and your family poorly. For over a decade...
Then said child that hates you graduates college (excludes you), gets married (excludes you and it's super uncomfortable because his new wife and family are looking at you sideways because of all the horrific things they have heard about you), then has kids (you are nothing...excluded again, but your husband has to choose you or seeing his grandkid...so again, you are excluded).
Really think hard if you want to have that life. Sometimes love is not enough, sad, but true.
Stick around and read some other posts. Get a good feel for what you have to look forward to.
Yep, or the BM alienates the
Yep, or the BM alienates the child from you both entirely and your DH suffers the loss of his child for years and years, maybe well into his 20s. Meanwhile, BM continually drags your DH into court repeatedly to get more money for a child he isn't even allowed to see, and he's already spent 50K fighting it all in court and getting nowhere.
And when your DH goes to watch his soccer games at school, just to get a glimpse of the kid he hasn't seen in 2 years, all the school staff whisper and stare at him like he's a sex offender, and hurry over to protect his child from him - the one who is the better parent but isn't allowed to be one.
OR, she tries to ruin your life by filing repeated false allegations, calling your boss, calling CPS, slashing your tires, etc. Maybe even finds someone to try to run you over (true story on here).
All distinct possibilities. Marrying a man with an ex like this can quickly become hellish. Don't be blinded by love.
Agree. Plus you'd be amazed
Agree. Plus you'd be amazed how quick this can ruin your marriage. Don't marry someone with kids period. Just because you get along with the kids now, I PROMISE, that will change once you marry, it always does. Plus the BM drama. No.
BM has accused my DH of
BM has accused my DH of substance abuse as well. We are going back to court later this month and that is one of the things that will be addressed. DH was cleared by the Navy- he opened basically an investigation on himself to clear his name. Did blood and urine testing to prove that there was nothing going on and has a letter from his command.
In your case, you don't have anything to worry about. You aren't married and even if you were you are just a lowly step-mother with no legal rights. However, your BF will have to clear his name. Probably submit to some random testing to prove innocence. This type of BM is going to cause you a lot of stress for the rest of your lives. Unfortunately- kids turning 18 doesn't stop crazy. Keep that in mind when you are thinking about this relationship and if it is worth it.
As pointed out, you may not
As pointed out, you may not have anything to worry about in this instance, but is this what you want your life to be?
Do you want children of your
Do you want children of your own eventually? And if so, are you willing to let BM cause problems with you maintaining custody of your own children? This is always a concern when you have a high-conflict BM who is ready to make things up whenever she feels.
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the comments. I'm in it for the relationship, and I come from a family with lots of ex wives and husbands, step kids, full and half siblings. I just dont want to have an affect on my BF and custody bc I like wine and partied in my 20s.
It sounds like step family
It sounds like step family drama is your normal, have fun with it then. It would be wise to remove your incriminating photos from the publics eye. I may be a touch older than you but "back in my day" (before social media) people wouldn't willingly publish their dirty laundry for the world to see unless they intentionally wanted negative attention. Not everyone needs to see your boozy glory days. Oversharing much? Even though these pics are old they could cause reasonable doubt about who the child is in company with if brought in front of a judge or shown to a social worker. If I were your BF and my relationship with my child was at stake I would distance myself from you especially if you refused to take certain photos off of public view.
Two can play these games.
Two can play these games. First, do your research on her very clandestinely. Only bring up what you find if you find something particularly egregious.
Call her bluff. Tell her that if she thinks she has something that would get the court's attention... that you will see her in court but that she needs to be ready to have her entire life rolled out for the Judge to consider.
I have used this methodology twice in my life. First when my XW filed for divorce then tried to play games with the agreement we made on separation of resources. I had her diaries which clearly documented her and her infidelities and I had all of the college papers I had written for her and informed her that if she insisted on being an ass that her entire life would become public record and that her fraudulent academic work would be sent to the university and she could try to convince the school not to invalidate her degree.
She bit her tongue and complied with our original agreement.
We also used this against my SS's Spermidiot. Facts shut people up. So be ready and go for blood if she forces your hand.
^ This if possible
^ This if possible
BM here lost her first lawyer because she’d tried saying SO shouldn’t have any legal rights to the kids because his relationship with me showed that he was a “dangerous” person. She found some pictures of us at a party on our free time away from the kids and thought it would prove her case.
I wish I could have been there when her lawyer asked her about the pictures we returned of her. EXTEREMLY inappropriate adult nature including evidence that her boyfriend of the time had technically committed a felony. Doesn’t matter if BM said OK, You can NOT legally consent to physical abuse.
I also have a lot of friends who were apart of different kik groups she was in where she bragged about sleeping around and hooking up with multiple guys at once at home when the kids were supposed to be with her. Most likely they weren’t because she never kept them but still doesn’t make her look like the best parent.
We didn’t have money for a full legal battle and a friend of mine was helping us with the case. All SO was requesting was basic rights that any parent should have and he got them.
Let me add that what BM does on her own time away from the kids is up to her and I'm not judging but the second she tried to paint herself as saint she needed to be knocked off her horse.
A work friend of mine had to
A work friend of mine had to deal with this kind of crap with his XW. She was into swinging and also was all about milking him financially every time their son visited my friend. My friend was comparably very successful and was in the process of upgrading his housing and vehicles. His XW would file for CS reviews and repeatedly went after him in a keep up with the X campaign.
She became engaged during this period and ultimately had a number of side peckers during that relationship to the point that her fiance contacted my friend and worked with he and his attorneys. The XWs Xfiance did several sworn affidavits for my friend.
He had actually voluntarily been overpaying CS for years. When she went after more CS he presented an accounting of his overpayment and deducted that from the new CS amount. Of course the CSE office did not like that and was accruing arrears against him... until he sent her notarized copies of the affidavits. He gave her the choice. Forgive the arrears to balance his years of overpayment or.... face a custody suit backed by the proof of her depravity. She folded.
Interestingly... the XW and the guy that worked with my friend eventually married. The XW and her new husband had to STFU and do what they were told all because of her new DH's support of my friend during the money war years.
Those affidavits have been great tools for tuning his eldest to the depravity of the BM when the kid gets squirrely from mom's manipulations.
You're getting dragged into
You're getting dragged into their tit for tat. I'd say lock down your social media and give the relationship some space while boyfriend sorts things out but you won't because you're so in love and he's the best thing to ever happen to you *throws up a little in my mouth icon*.
If she tries to go court with
If she tries to go court with this it should be easy to fight. Old post on Facebook are worthless and you’re allow to drink if you want. You haven’t done anything to put the child in harm’s way and it would be a violation of your rights to force a drug test without actual evidence of it’s need. If she pushes for court request she have to pay all cost and counter sue for harassment.