I'm in a part time marriage and I fear my marriage maybe on the line
it's been 9 years Since SD(17 then) had her following out with DH and moved with BM full time;hasn't spoken to DH since. There's a 17 year age gap between DH and I and 13 years gap between SD and I. I never tried to parent his daughter. I tried to be her friend and we got along great until she decided she hated my guts. She loved DH but hated me. I got involve with DH shortly after he left BM but we didn't have an affair. SD and I got along great. I only tried to help her become more independent but I guess it came off the wrong way.
She was pissed off because she thought DH did not buy her things and he's was only supporting me i.e basically I was taking advantage of DH. I was in my last year of a degree but I was also working full time, so I did help out. DH support payment were $1100/month and he had her half of the time. Believe me, he bought her plenty of things. She thought I changed DH and I got involved with in her and his life too fast- Looking back I can see how that would have bothered her, and if she would have said something earlier, we would have pressed pause.
She was an only child who had her Dad all to herself her entire life. But since he was starting to take control, she hated it. She did not speak to DH for 4 months, he still went to her graduation despite not having invited me. She asked him they could talk by themselves.. It became clear that she loved DH but she hated me. She was upset the DH isn't spending enough time with her alone anymore and wasn't spoiling her anymore. She didn't give me chance to work on our issues. She just wanted to DH to leave me. When DH refused, she moved into BM's full time and she never came by again.
DH reached out to her constantly but was ignored. She threw her dad way because he married me too fast (within a year). I can see why she was upset but she refused to work on our issues.
DH would reach out to her over the years, letting her know he loves her and misses her and when she's ready to talk to him, he'll be willing to listen. She moved across the country for school (Califnoria) and settled down there after graduating. She did not even invite DH to her college graudation. She's now married and has a 2 year old son He discovered all this via FB.
We hoped than she would come around on her own but that didn't happen. I turned her bedroom to a guest bedroom and DH and I enjoyed being child free.. until the birth of our BS8. There was no acknowledgements from SD.
The estragement ended back in December when BM called DH letting him know that SD been dianogsed with stage 3 melanoma. Our hearts broke. I still cared for her and he was distraught. BM gave DH her number and he rang her up after 9 years. She let him have it! It was the most heart-breaking conversation I've ever witnessed. He ended up apologizing profusely saying that he was wrong for hurting her and remarrying too fast and not taking into consideration how she felt. He admitted to her that he was wrong all along and basically begged her to let him come see her. He took off the following weekend and spent the rest on the month with her (he missed Christmas with our son and I).
Since then his trips he's been going more frequently and for extended periods of time. While I and BS8 remain at home. The relationship is now on SD's term. I have no say and BS and I aren't allowed to go with him. She will only call on his cell phone and he'll literally drop whatever he's doing to talk to her.
He's met her husband and gets to play grand·dad to her son. Now he's spending half a month me and BS and the other half with SD in Califnoria. If SD wants him there, he'll drop whatever everything and go.
I'm not trying to sound harsh. I'm a parent as well and if it were my child, I would everything in my power to help. It feels as though BS and I are getting the short end of the stick though. Their relationship is now on her terms and it feels as if I'm back where I was 9 years ago except it's not just me alone. Even BS is feeling DH's absence.
In matter of fact he's leaving in a next few days and is going to spend the WHOLE summer with SD.
I don't know what to do. It's obvious that she still hates me otherwise she wouldn't have insisted that DH comes alone. It hurts because it feels that DH has another life that I and our son will never get to be a part of.
I forgot to mention, BM goes too. So it's SD, her husand, her son, DH, and BM.
I'm at a loss and don't know what to do
I apologize if this too long. I just needed to get all of this out
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DH does realize this was all
DH does realize this was all orchestrated by BM, right? My DH was alienated from his son for 3 years, so I get how big a loss it can be. But to now be spending the entire summer with her, at the expense of you and HIS OTHER CHILD, is obsessed and insane.
He does not see it like that.
He does not see it like that. He just sees that SD has cancer and he wants to make up for lost time. SD has all the control in this situation now and I don't know how to manage this. She has made DH feel so gulity for abandoning her plus her condition.... DH had developed so much guilt. He's reverted back to how he was when she was 17
Tell him to look up Parental
Tell him to look up Parental Alienation, because that's what he dealt with. He didn't abandon SD, that was BM projecting her own feelings of abandonment by DH onto SD, and manipulating her into believing them.
I get making up for lost time and even his concern about her cancer. But now he truly IS abandoning his son.
Anytime I bring up SD in a
Anytime I bring up SD in a conversation, he gets so defensive. It's as if he can't see anything past her (like when she was 17)
yeah, for sure
The mother orchestrated the kid getting cancer. The older kid is VERY sick, presumably his younger one is not.
Her 9 year alienation, not
Her 9 year alienation, not the cancer. Don’t be obtuse.
How can you state as a FACT this was orchestrated by mom
You do know that kids have free will. And maybe the very young stepmother trying tto act a friend, and then wanting to show up at graduations, etc could be an embarrassment. In your view, ONLY moms create an estrangement. That is not the real world.
I haven't heard that DH did
I haven't heard that DH did anything to cause his daughter to be estranged from him for 10 years. It's not typical for adults or kids to cut off parents for no good reason, in fact, most people who cut off their parents only do after a lot of effort to change the relationship and a lot of inner torment about ending that relationship.
The definition of alienation is when you reject a formerly loved parent for no good reason. There is no good reason here, and the stepmother trying to come to graduation is not a "good reason".
Yes, kids have free will. But it's not uncommon in a divorce for a kid to align heavily with one parent and not be able to separate their own feelings from that parent's feelings. That is what I believe happened here. And yes, men can alienate their kids from the mother, too, but we don't hear much of that on here.
Young Stepmother
A stepmother who is closer in age to her SD than to her DH can be an embarrsment to a teen. You can define that as no good reason if you want. And when the SM admits to acting as a "friend" but then wants to be treated as part of a parental unit is immature to me.
What EVIDENCE do you have that the mom had anything at all do to with this.
I'm not going educate you on
I'm not going educate you on parental alienation, you clearly aren't interested in learning.
Enjoy your day.
You claim that any time a kid is estranged from a parent
The other parent is the one at fault, and I think that is a stretch.
Maybe it is for no reason. Maybe kid is pissed that the parent moved on too quickly, feels he/she got left behind. When they are younger, they may have no choice, but when they are older, they decide, well if dad wants to live his own life, so can I. Maybe kid is unreasonable, maybe not, but it is not always the other parents fault.
There are adult teens estranged from their still married parents. It happens.
Tog - ignore the whore.
Tog - ignore the whore.
That's the plan.
That's the plan.
I don't know if this is
I don't know if this is actually orchestrated by the BM. Some 17 year old princesses can feel entitled to tell their dad off for having the audacity to remarry all on their own. Some princesses never mature beyond 17 and feel entitled to tell their dad off again for not leaving their wife over their petulance.
I would expect these frequent travels to have an end date soon. I would not be happy with a part-time husband. Is she still undergoing cancer treatments or were they able to remove the tissue surgically?
I thought being married and
I thought being married and having a child of her own would help her gain some perspective but I thought wrong.
I would hope so. These last couple months have really put a strain on our marriage. I'm not happy at all with having a part-time husband and with our son having a part-time dad.
She's still undergoing treatment. They caught later rather than sooner so she's undergoing treatment aggressively. Apparently it's working but she's in a lot pain. She's undergoing palliative therapy to help with the pain though.
Maybe you having a child would give you perspective
Will you be urging your son, when he is a 17YO to get a job, or if dad could afford it, let him stay invovled in ECs, etc?
Would you be so quick to turn his room into a guest room (I never see the fascinatin with that, if the kid is away, cant his room be used as a guest room as it is? )
If your DH does something that your son might have an issue with (like re-marrying quickly), would you expect him to identify the problem, instead of you?
I agree with PP, you might want to have a discussion with an attorney.
DH may be second guessing some decisions.
So he’s splitting his time
So he’s splitting his time between his married 26-yr old daughter who will most likely survive and his minor son and wife.
See a lawer
Protect yourself and your Bio child. Your marriage could be over. Is he staying with his DD or with his EX ? What part is the EX playing in all of this. Big question. What is he doing there. He is spending do much time. Taking care of his DD. Or the EX
I'm wondering how SD's
I'm wondering how SD's husband feels about having his FIL there 24/7 ... Maybe he'd like a little alone time with his sick wife? Between the pair of them (OP's DH and SD) they could bugger up two marriages, two families, make two more kids CODs.
My DH’s oldest son who he was
My DH’s oldest son who he was estranged from got cancer and died in his late 30s. They were estranged because his son had been involved with gang murders and had gone underground to escape murder charges.
My DH and I were not married at the time but he did not abandon me.
Interrupting
Interrupting the flow of this thread a bit, I'm sorry for your DH's pain, notasm ... it echoes through any marriage.
I am sorry for anyone's pain
But do you think that there might be a difference between a gang member involved in murders and a college graduate, married with a child?
I think a better question is
N/A
In some ways, all SMs wind up
In some ways, all SMs wind up being in a part-time marriage or having only part of a husband vs. a 100% one. This situation is very horrible for everyone, including the OP and OP and DH's son.
Nonetheless, a marriage does not operate properly or is really not a marriage when someone else is calling the shots, and, as you say, SD is calling the shots on your marriage at this time. It doesn't matter what it is due to, whether that be cancer of an adult child, guilt-trips (justified or not), manipulation on some party's part, etc. So, I'd actually remove the why DH is off with his ex- and daughter and her family from the equation, and focus on: can I manage being married to a part-time husband or not? And, sadly, you don't know at what point you'll get your closer-to-100% husband back, if at all. You don't need to feel any guilt from your end. You are just as much a victim of circumstance in this as anyone else. So, don't let anyone imply you are some sort of be.atch for not just sucking it up and taking it.
Also, I don't necessarily think I'm that altruistic, but I have to wonder why an adult daughter with a husband and son of her own, would want to remove her father from his home with a young child (SD's half-brother) of his own to be with her days, weeks or even months at a time, and, yes, that is even despite her having cancer? After all, the daughter claims he abandoned her, but isn't she now giving him permission to (or perhaps insisting that he) abandon his other child? I don't know. This is a tough one. Dad may be insisting on being there with her. But, at some point, don't you think daughter would say, "Dad, it's hard but I'm managing. I think you need to be with your younger son right now. He is a child. Despite my cancer, he needs you just as much as I do . . or see if you can bring him with next time."
I'm not saying that is necessary the case here, but if someone is manipulative and they get cancer, the manipulation isn't going to go away just because they have cancer, and if anything, it could escalate.
I agree with the earlier poster who stated that you need to be upfront with your DH and set some guidelines or standards for these disappearances. Your role is as his wife and as his wife and especially with a son of your own, you need more info./ support from him on this. No one in a marriage gets to just drop everything and disappear at a moment's notice and do whatever they please, regardless. Families have to handle multiple crises all the time. They don't get to just pick one and ignore all the rest.
Also, what is DH waiting for? Is he waiting for her to pass? Is he waiting for her cancer to go into remission? Sure, he wants to be there for her, I'm sure. But, at what point does he stop being there largely for her and her 1st family do-over, and start being there for his and wife and 8 YO son and others as well? You know what I mean. People act like in these crises situations where there is more than one family, that bio-dad has to somehow chose or has the right to just chose one and abandon the other. No.
Right to choose
Of course OP's DH has the right to choose. Now, OP may divorce him for it, but just as people have the right to divorce, they have the right to visit adult kids.
The SD may need her dad to help with childcare while her own DH is at work and she is getting treatment (which can be exhausting).
I agree, OP has to make decisions, but I doubt divorce will result in her or her child seeing her DH more. The situation may resolve itself (hopefully the SD getting better), but divorce means that there is NO chance of situation getting better.
But, he doesn't HAVE TO
But, he doesn't HAVE TO choose and that is the point. He doesn't have to cater to adult SD's every whim, cancer or not, as it appears to be here. And, I'd call trying to excuse or writing-off SD's demands for DH to come to her aid at all hours as being OK due to SD's own childcare needs, grapsing at straws, to say the least. SGK with a father and grandmother and many other relatives around gets priority childcare from grandpa over grandpa's own 8 YO son?
And, where does it all end? That is more key here than much else. People do overreact or underreact and don't think clearly in urgent situations all the time. But, it appears the initial shock of her diagnosis is past that point. If I were the OP, I be sitting down with my DH and say, "Where do you see this going?" If he doesn't want to talk about it, then that tells you your answer--you (and your son) are expected to suck it up and take whatever he dishes out for however long he wants to dish it out.
And that is what it boils down to and not really SD's cancer. Are you married to someone who expects you to suck it up and take whatever he dishes out for however long he wants to dish it out? I hate to say. . . it was just recently that we had a case here where the DH ran back to his ex- to "take care of her" while she had cancer, and then, after his wife finally confronted him, sure enough, he just left his wife and ran back to be with his ex-, F-T, saying she had changed.
SMs are almost always expected to put up with being in limbo whenever these initial family type-crises take place. Yes, DH has the right to choose, but he doesn't have to either. The fact that he isn't willing to work with you (his wife) to set up some type of arrangement that will work out as best as can under the circumstances for all, speaks loudly. And, if in the end, he is going to be spending whatever much time as he wants with his initial family sans his wife and son, with no input whatsoever from his wife, then it is best you find that out sooner than later.
I am sorry that you are going
I am sorry that you are going through this just know that your feelings are valid and that nothing you did caused this rift between your H and his 26 year old daughter. You are just the easier target to blame this on as is the case with most step mothers. Personally, I don't think your H should have apologized to her about remarrying. Yes he could have listened to her concerns but to apologize for doing something that he wanted to do is insane. Him admitting to her that he was wrong is a slap in the face to you, himself, and your son together.
She made her decision to exclude him from her life and now she wants to put the blame of 9 years of estrangement on him?? She may be 26 years old but she has not matured and is still in the "oh I'm a victim" mentality mindset. When will she own and take responsibility for her part in all this?? I know she has cancer but that still doesn't excuse her disrespectful and entitled behavior.
You have to have a coming to God serious conversation with him. F@ck if he gets his panties in a bunch but YOU have to tell him how you feel and how this is impacting your marriage. SD is not his only child and he is neglecting the 8 year old he has with you. It's fine to be supportive of his daughter but why sacrifice you and your son over his guilt? He needs help in coming to terms with his guilt. Your marriage is on the line. It's not about ultimatums but he has to make a choice because your marriage won't continue to survive under these circumstances.
My heart goes out to you. Please remain strong and follow your instincts. Only you know what is best for you and you truly deserve a H that is present and not trying to make up for lost time with an entitled grown @ss 26 year old.
Wishing you well and may you have the strength and guidance to do what is best for you and your son.
New perspective
My DH's oldest daughter ony texts Dh on major holidays. He hasnt seen her since we got married. We send her xmas and birthday presents. She doesnt want to see me. she says she hates me and will never forgive me. My DH says that his place is with me. that when she is ready to accept him with me as his wife then we can talk. but she has to learn to forgive and move on. time passes and we cant get it back. She (the daughter) has made/made a choice not to be part of her father's life with the new wife or without.
My DH could see his daughter if he wanted but he has chosen not to out of respect for me. Life is too short. You would think the daughter with the illness would forgive and move on and try to see how happy her father is meet her baby step-brother.
This sounds like a really
This sounds like a really tough situation for everybody involved. This feels like a nightmare to you, and it is and your feelings are exhasperation are valid. But your husband is also going through a really tough time too. You married him for the long haul, and his daughter will either get better or die (as harsh as that sounds). When one of those happens then you two can move on and reassess your situation. In the short term, ask yourself if you want to throw your marriage away for a year or two of stress. His actions may seem excessive and reactionary but they are also natural. If however, he continues to be absent for large portion of time once his daughter's health improves then I think it would be good to tell him that you want the situation to change.
I suggest that you take the situation as it is now and try to make the best of it and reassess in 6 -12 months time as to how the future looks. Small adjustments can make a big difference in the mean time.
If you husband is planning to be gone all summer, personally I feel that if finances allow it that you should arrange at lest one (perhaps 2 or 3) trips so that your son (and if possible you) can meet up with your husband, even if it is just for a couple of days. Maybe you two can fly out there and stay nearby and meet up with him, or perhaps you can take a weekend vacation all together somewhere else. If you cannot take time away from work, then your son could fly out for a few days and meet his sister and his neices/newphews and see his dad. Alternatively your husband could fly back home for a couple of days. It is not ideal, but it is better than nothing.
Book a mom-son adventure for the summer, or come up with a project you can both work on. Make this summer a special time that you two can enjoy together rather than something that you both have to endure.
Engage your support network where you are, or find some good babysitters/camps so that you do not have to shoulder all of the parenting burden and get some time to yourself. Re-connect with your friends and make sure to take some adult time.
Try to think about this whole situation and come up with some things that are reasonable requests that you feel you can ask of your husband to make this time easier on you and your son. You two will get through this if you want to, but it will be tough for a little while yet.
10 years is often the golden
10 years is often the golden number in divorce world. Since you are at year 9, I think it would be wise to seek legal counsel.Find out where you stand, and be strategic about your future. Say/do nothing and play the compliant wife until you can make an informed decision.
Meanwhile, can you tell us a bit more about how finances are being handled? Is your H continuing to support your household and his daughter with you? Do you work?