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My DH died, My SD shunned me, I'm afraid my DD will suffer

JoanAngela74's picture

Submitted by JoanAngela74 on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 6:50pm

My name is Joan Angela i’m 43 and I’ve been married to a single dad for the last 3 years. He had 3 children. 1 Son (SS) 27, is an engineer and lives in another country and I never met him because he never comes to our country and, honestly, never tried to meet me or my children. He also had 2 daughters, the oldest one,  had a rare and chronic kidney disease, and lived with her mother in another city and didn’t show up at our house, but I don’t blame her, her disease was pretty bad. She died 2 years ago. His younger one, 19 never accepted me as her stepmother. I was her father’s wife. From day 1 that was my role in her life. I have children, 1 DS14 and a DD12. He divorced his wife 5 years before I show up. His OSD discovered her kidney condition 4 years ago. In the begging I tried to connect with all of them. SS never responded my efforts, never came to our country, ignored my social media friend requests and mails. OSD was Always so sick and lived with her BM all the time, so I never had a real chance with her. YSD lived with her mom and used to live 50/50, but, when her sister discovered her disease she went live with her mom all the time, coming EOWE. YSD never warmed up to me, never tried to know me or my children, never allowed me or my children to be a parto f her life. She was never openly rude, but I felt like I was living with a workmate. Everything was so formal around her.  Two years ago I discovered I was pregnant! Mind you, I was 41! I was desperate, my husband was desperate! It happened two months after his daughter’s death. It was a girl. She was a bless (actually it’s her name, silly me J). My husband was devastated by her daughter’s death. She suffered a lot, he was really depressed. My YSD actions didn’t change. My YDD was nothing to her. Not her family. She stopped coming to our house. Everything was great until the beggining of June. My husband worked as a security guard in a bank and was fatally shoted in a robbery attempt.  I was shocked! My world fell down. He was a father to my children. We had a child together. At his funeral I saw YSD. I told her: “Your father’s death doesn’t change anything for me. I still care about you”. In a shocking calm voice, she said: “Actually, it changes everything. No one has to pretend anymore. You are not dumb, you know I never liked or cared about you. I have no reason to pretend anymore, we have no connection anymore”. I said: “This is not true. YDD is your sister” she replied “Biologicaly, only half sister, technically, maybe you are correct, but honestly, your daughter isn’t my family, I never considered she oryour children related to me. Don’t try to force family ties on me just because you married my dad. Take whatever he left to you and raise that child”. I don’t know what to do right now. I feel sorry for my daughter. She lost her father and the woman who is supposed to be her bigger sister cutted us off from her life.

 

I just needed to vent.

 

Sorry for some spelling mistakes, English is’nt my first language.

Comments

STaround's picture

Submitted by STaround on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 7:42pm

Your youngest DD is 2, right?  She will forget about the one half-sister in a short time, and has two half-siblings she lives with.  

Concentrate on taking care of them and  yourself, it will be OK

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Submitted by SonOfABrisketMaker on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 8:50pm

is right. When your kid is older you can tell her about her half siblings and leave it up to her to try to connect. Until then, pretend they don’t exist. At this point, you would only be forcing communication for your own wants. 

My owb BS18 has at least one half sister through his dad and maybe a younger half brother too. He’s never met them, doesn’t know their names, has no interest in trying for a relationship with them. He is content with the family we have. 

 

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 9:42pm

Take the SD at her word - she has been pretty consistent all along.  Fortunately your youngest DD has other siblings who want to and will be in her life.  Don't waste your time worrying about the non-relationship with the skids.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Tue, 07/02/2019 - 3:38am

I am so sorry for the sudden and devastating loss of your husband.   I wouldn't carry on attempting to get through to your YSD - just write off that relationship which never existed anyway.  YSD has told you straight out the way she feels, I think you need to accept that, now.   Your baby has a big sister and a big brother, concentrate on working through your loss and grief with your three children.   

To be honest with you, I think that if my DH were to die, I would be unlikely to keep up a relationship with SD24 and SD22, although I have known them since they were 7 and 5.  Their mother taught them to hate me, right from the outset, and I have no particular affection for them as a result.  They are the opposite of me in personality and everything else, I feel I have nothing in common with them and would have no reason or desire to stay in close touch. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Tue, 07/02/2019 - 5:13am

You aren't the only one with steps like this. I am so sorry that it was at your husband's funeral that she decided it was a good time to be cold and cruel. I fear that if anything happened to my DH my YSS would react the same way. I don't have any bio's but his disabled 1/2 brother does live with DH and I full time. I think he would cut off his brother too. It is very sad when kids are raised to believe that behavior like this is acceptable.

Your DD won't remember her older 1/2 sister. One day when she is older she can try and find her, but your DD may not have any interest in a person like that. I hope that you are able to find peace and are able to focus on your child and not your late husband's. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 07/02/2019 - 8:43am

But SD does not want to be part of you family, take her word on that.  It will not effect you at all

Husband's wife's picture

Submitted by Husband's wife on Tue, 07/02/2019 - 8:54am

I would never visit my DH’s kid again if my DH dies. I would certainly never go to IL’s house for Christmas or Easter as I am doing now. They would be welcome to see my daughter at my place, if they would wish to, but I doubt they would.

My parents forced me to have interactions with my farther’s son from previous relationship. It didn’t do any good to any of us. I blocked this looser since years, he is a complete mess, interested in others only to ask for money.

I would concentrate on my daughter and leave all these people alone, your SD is only a half sibling and from my opinion, half siblings are not important at all. Especially if they talk as your SD does.  

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Tue, 07/02/2019 - 9:51am

SD made her decision to not have anything to do with your child (her half sibling). This was her choice. You can move forward with a clear conscience and live your best life.....she's not a factor in either of your lives. My deepest condolences to you and yours and wishing you love, strength, and light.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Thu, 07/04/2019 - 6:23pm

sI'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. What a shocking, awful thing for you and your bios to go through.

The sad fact is, adults in a step dynamic have the right to choose whether they want to be family or not. You considered your husband's older children family, but they don't feel the same towards you. Speaking so brutally to you at your H's funeral was  rude, callous, and completely lacking in decency or empathy, but in a way your H's daughter did you a favor: she set you free. You won't have to endure years of trying to forge a relationship with these skids, only to be repeatedly snubbed and hurt. She gave you the gift of honesty, so return the favor by giving her the gift of absence and move forward with your life.