Is he serious?!
I apologise in advance for daring to mention Christmas in July but my boyfriend has just sprung an idea on me which has left me feeling incredulous and then a few days later came up with another ‘bright idea’ which makes me think he only cares how his own child is affected. My bf has shared care so has his son for 7 days every two weeks. He has his own flat and stays there with him but stays with us on the Saturdays. About two weeks ago my bf brought up that seeing as we won’t be having his son on Christmas Day as it’s his mothers turn, how do I feel about not celebrating at all on Christmas Day and have my 5yr old son not open any presents until Boxing Day! Meanwhile his son gets two days of opening presents as an 8yr old (who is probably by now pretending to believe in Santa to placeate his parents and get more presents) whilst my 5yr old who fully believes in the magic of Christmas is going to be left wondering why on earth santa didn’t visit yet. How my partner expects me to pull the wool over my sons eyes I don’t know, seeing as his grandparents and other family will all want to FaceTime him on Christmas Day to see what he got and so will his younger cousins. I didn’t want a confrontation 6 months before Christmas has even come so I said I’d go along with it so long as my son could open a few presents on Christmas Day. However, since this he has now suggested that my sons main present be a second hand Nintendo wii. It’s all in the box and I’m not a snob so seeing as my son is only 6 on NYE I had no problem with this but when I said I’d rather he have a bike for Christmas he immediately suggested he have his sons one which is now too small for him, despite my son already having seen it/used it so would know it was not new or from Santa. I did say no way because it would shatter the illusion of Christmas and my bf agreed and left it at that but I’m left feeling like my son is only worth seconds whilst he intends to get his own son a brand new laptop rather than repair the one he already had which is literally only missing the ‘A’ button on the keyboard! The more I think on it the more it annoys me and I feel like just not spending Christmas Day together at all. Am I being over sensitive or unreasonable?
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Just due to the absurdity of
Just due to the absurdity of that request, I would let him know that if he feels that way he can spend Christmas alone.
Are you and your boyfriend
Are you and your boyfriend financial equals, or is this a situation where he holds some control over you? I ask because his suggestions are ridiculous. I can understand suggesting used items if you are struggling financially, but then it should be used items for all, and there'd be no need to bring it up 6 months in advance. Red flags are flying; pay attention.
He is wrong
About expecting your DS to wait.
As to presents, you get to decide what your DS gets from you, unless he is helping you pay for it.
You need to stand up for
You need to stand up for yourself. This guy is a bully.
Your son can open the majority of his gifts on Christmas and save a couple for when his stepbrother is over to open his, the next day. YOU are your son's parent, YOU decide what gifts he gets for Christmas. Generally, "here's your stepbrother's used wii and bike" would not be acceptable gifts, and you know it.
He tells me I need to stand
He tells me I need to stand up for myself all the time yet when I stand up to him it becomes hours and hours of relentless discussion until I agree with him for the sake of not going insane with it. We get on excellent 95% of the time and our arguments are rare but almost always about the kids or money. He offers me money a lot but then spends eternity reminding me how ‘helpful’ he is which makes me feel like s**t and left wishing I didn’t accept it
Yeah, get out now. Bullying
Yeah, get out now. Bullying you into agreeing with him through hours of relentless discussion is emotional abuse. BM here did the same to DH and now to SS19. It's very narcissistic.
Yes
This is classic narcissistic behavior pretending to support you by telling you you need to stand up to others yet making sure you don't stand up to HIM! Chef does this every so often and I make sure to shut it down. Think of it in these terms: what would you advise a good friend who comes to you with the same information?
Yes this is my concern. I’ve
Yes this is my concern. I’ve lived in a women’s refuge and attended domestic violence course so it’s not like alarm bells haven’t been ringing but because I’ve been diagnosed PTSD it’s easy for him to attribute my concerns to that. He definitely has insecurity issues.
He refuses to call it arguing
He refuses to call it arguing and says he is just debating. I don’t see the difference seeing as he never accepts my opinion and challenges it until I feel like screaming. Tonight he emailed me a list of 14 reasons why I’m feeling like I am including my dad dying 3 months ago, giving up smoking amongst others and then proceeded to state he gets it why I’m like this. So if you have 14 reasons why f***ing ‘debate’ with me relentlessly in front of my 5 year old until I’m crying?! The kids were continuously ignoring me in the car when I told them to stop fighting and it went on ignored by bf for 20 mins till I asked him to step in only to be told he was busy thinking. So o turned around in my seat and screamed at the top of my lungs for them to both shut the F up and my bf started having a go at me. I NEVER swear in front of the kids and certainly not at them but I have perforated eardrum and the constant screeching was more than I could take after 20 mins. He wanted me to apologise to his son for swearing but I was like HELL NO! I’m a grown arsed woman telling the kids to behave. It’s not like I hit the kids I just said F**k once in a whole year! I said there’s one thing I’ll never do and that’s apologise to a 7yr old for being a parent!
As I said, DH says that BM
As I said, DH says that BM did this to him. She would argue her point until he'd rather die than hear her say one more word. This is abusive, and it's the behavior of someone who feels he should ALWAYS get his way and will do whatever he needs to do to get it - but he wants you to think that YOU are the problem, not him.
And when SHE doesn't want to talk about anything anymore, she apparently says, "THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER." and everyone has to stop talking.
You know this is abusive. BM may have never hit my DH, but she drove his self-esteem into the ground and he's a strong man.
so stop taking money from him
Yep, some people think if they pay, they get a say
We haven’t spoken for two
We haven’t spoken for two days because I refused to accept money from him. He says I have problem because past bfs never gave me anything only took but I have zero issue accepting money from my mum because she doesn’t ever mention it again. A gift is a gift and she knows I appreciate it and that is enough for her, yet with bf he wants constant gratitude verbal thanks and adoration.
I’m pleased it’s not just me
I’m pleased it’s not just me with this opinion. What makes it worse is he brought up his ex’s 2 daughters from 18 months to 19yrs so you would think he might be a title more understanding of my feelings. I’ve never even had a bf with kids before now. He has 19yrs experience and a biological child. Yes he is better off financially. Before I had my son I earnt good money and was very independent but my sons dad was violent and abusive so I had to give up my job to move away from the area.
This should be very simple
He does not get to dictate what goes with your son. This is like saying well my son won’t be here on his birthday so lets not celebrate it till the following week and i’ll just give him the old bike of my son as a present..
i have no hesitation telling my husband if he and skids are being arseholes, inconsiderate and treating me and my 2 kids with hubby as a burden, inconvenience, disabled or even 2nd class.
When he’s dumb enough to reply back with pathetic excuses and dumb shit, i reply back sarcastically. The more sarcastic it is the more embarassed hubby is that he just can’t justify things his way anymore as its just beyond ridiculous
so how about you type up a draft message on your phone. Take a day or 2 to go back and re-edit or add things to it and proof read until it says what you wanna say.
i find when i do it this way when hubby is at work i can address issues better. If you are face to face and he gaslights you and you aren’t prepared for it then you won’t be able to word things well.
also tell bf that your family has traditions that you and your sons dad follow and that the world does not revolve solely around his son. Unfortunately you just have to be blunt with him as there is realy no way to sugarcoat for arseholes and real life pricks
Denying your 5yr old
Denying your 5yr old Christmas day because its more convenient for your BF is so sad for your son! Like you said, its 6 months until Christmas, focus on being safe and financially independent. Stop letting this guy boss you around.
If your BF has his own flat
If your BF has his own flat where he stays with his son (with the exception of Saturday), why is Christmas Day (which is on Wednesday this year) even an issue for your place, yo and your son?
Wht you do in your place on Wednesday doesn't affect your BF's son at all. Santa comes to your place to your son. You can do Christmas Day anyway ou please. Chatter and show and tell on Facetime all you want. None of it affects his son.... he isn't even there. Thursday (the day after) when BF finally gets to celebrate with his son, Santa can come to BFs son at BF's flat.
As far as what you have have Santa bring your son, you have six months. Perhaps you can put a bit extra away each pay and maybe even take on a short term part ime seasonal job to earn a bit more. That suggetion of giving your son his son's old bike is ridiculous (tell him to shove such cheap pettiness up BF's *ss).
Christmas is different. It’s
Christmas is different. It’s alternate christmas’ together no matter what week day it is.
You are agreeing to stop the
You are agreeing to stop the arguing. He's wearing you down in advance. First it's the gifts. Then it's going to be a reason for you not to Skype with your family.
You've come out of one violent and abusive relationship and walked into one that is, while not violent, emotionally abusive. Because he is not violent, like the ex, you are not seeing his emotional abuse of you and your son. You, and your son, deserve better than this. Please get yourself some counseling.
O come on, just STOP the craziness
You have Christmas on CHRISTMAS, for your DS not any other day. Your son does not have to suffer because of your SO playing DISNEY DAD. Giving your son a second hand gift ? Is he giving his son. Anything second hand.
See the Red Flag. He only think about his DS and nobody else. Giving him two days of gifts ect, ect, this will go on forever if you don’t stop it. Yes it’s his money, but Family don’t do this.
I’m so sorry. You left a one
I’m so sorry. You left a one abusive relationship and landed yourself in a another abusive relationship. I really think you need to work on yourself right now. You need self-esteem and self worth. And you deserve to find the strength within yourself to be a strong woman and strong mother. This man is emotionally abusive from what I’m reading.
And hell no can he wreck your sons Christmas. The answer is not only no, but it’s hell no!
What’s the issue here?
I really don’t understand this. I never in my life thought of consulting any boyfriends what to get for my DD on any holidays and how I should celebrate any holidays wuth her. I don’t understand in what shape or form it’s your boyfriend’s business what you buy for your kid? I truly don’t get it
In addition to it you are on welfare but struggling to feed your BF some special foods. Say what? He can eat special foods in his own house.
You need to take a break from men so you can sort your life first and not go for these losers. Your child is 5 so he should be in school. While he is in school you should be at work. Making your own money.
And stop supporting losers. He wants to eat organic he can bring his own food or he can stay home and take you on a date. My house isn’t a hotel.
I also have to say that your
I also have to say that your son observing you and your bf fighting is damaging for him. At age 5 he already witnessed his mother being in two abusuve telationships. You send your son all wrong messages
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with accepting 2nd hand items, but they aren't appropriate Christmas presents. A used kid's bike is fine. For a 5 yr old, a used wii is fine. And your son does not need a super expensive present for Christmas, but hand-me-downs aren't really good presents.
Christmas should be on Christmas Day for your son, but that doesn't mean you can't have another Christmas celebration a day later. This year, we will have Xmas with our kids on a separate day. But they will still have Xmas with their other parents on Xmas Day, for sure. Which is fine.
The point it’s not for her
The point is that it’s not for her boyfriend to decide what gifts are appropriate for her child or when she should celebrate with her kid.
About the original issue.. I
About the original issue.. I see no problem in your son having HIS Christmas on the day of. But, I also see that it might be a nice compromise to save a few of your son's presents (not the Santa ones).. to open with your BF's son on Boxing day.. and to have a 2nd celebratory day that both kids can be part of.
That's what I call a win/win.. both kids get "two" festive days to open presents and eat treats.
BUT.. it seems like the rest of the discussion here has settled into some really poor communication with you all.. and possibly abusive patterns. I think you would benefit from counseling.. alone.. and perhaps together.