SD moves to our house next summer
hi all,
i have been reading so far..but now it time for me to asks for asvise
I have SD15 who my DH wants to live with us next year. I also have SS11 who will still live with BM and my BS14 who lives with us. And we have a baby due in January.
The SD is a nightmare, rude and disrespectful, .but she thinks I’m the wort person in the world because 7 years ago her dad divorced her mom when we met.
So, to the point:
My husband is been working all the time and doesn’t parent them when they come to visit for summers.
Non-stop screen time and rudeness from SD, having her dad around her finger and lazy. Wearing very provocative clothes and drama when something is not her way.
SS11 is more polite but..I feel it’s the same thing just quit one.
So, please advise me what rules I can set before she moves here? I can have husband agree, he is reasonable..just to busy to parent them.. and have my BS13 to be included to have it fair, now my BS13 started to complain about the double standards
my ideas:
- us all visiting the therapy together to work things out about her misunderstanding about “it’s all her fault”
- her and my BS13 doing a lot of shores (which is little since we have clearning services once a week) becaus I work full time plus will have a little bab
- her going to her mom for summers;
- limited phone and screen time;
- no screen time when grades below B-
- disrespect to any adult =no phone for a day;
- washing own clothes;
any other ideas?
thanks
I don’t feel it’s right to say no,
Since she is moving from another country and This is a right way to handle her moving because If she will move later she cannot really get into college and she will move anyways just now will be less expensive for us vs to move her as international high school graduate. SD is very smart girl with good grades, no problems with drugs or boys. The only thing is she hates me and it shows in her every word and action. I dislike her but I respect my husband’s wish for her to move to US.
I don't see why she can't go
I don't see why she can't go to college if she comes to the US later. Is it because there would be a difference if she arrives here as an adult vs a minor? If so, get her here when she is 17 1/2. eems it would be cheaper (and easier on you) if she moves here later. Maybe she could do a year at a community college while she is establishing residency.
Yes I was actually thinking if this will be not working
to give it 1 year and if it will be to hard to suggest my husband to try to live in 2 different places close by-))
but seriously I want to have a strategy to make it work for me with as little pain as possible.
my DH understand that what is happening is not normal now when I basically just wait till she leaves needs to change when she will move here. So I hope at learn some of my rules will work.
so, saying no to her moving is not an option we need to work with it for me to have these 4 years before college not to ruin my marriage
You delicately worded this
But did her dad leave her mother for you? Let him set the rules.
Yes this what happened 7 years ago
I like the idea of him setting the rules but I want to have my wish list
So why should she respect you, if you did not respect
her parent's marriage. let DH deal with it.
Well her dad didn’t respect it as well but it’s her dad and she
Forgives him. He left his wife in 3 months after we met. I think that was a luck for the BM since she now finally have a life free from him cheating and a very generous financial help, and he was 5 year long cheater before we met with other people. I said it’s not for me when I realized he is married and he divorced quickly. The reasons of SK’s hate to SP can be different my point is..yes it’s a nightmare. And yes there are reasons for it. But HOW TO MAKE it less paintfull for all the parties ?
Let him make the rules
Her grades are NOT your concern. Talk to him about house rules. Accept that she will want little to do with you.
Yes I want to have little to do with her as well
What other house rules helped you?
Guys my question was about the advice from people who looks like
In the same situation. By same I’m not saying your all were the reasons for the divorce. But for us all dealing with the step kids. I don’t feel why my guilt over my part of his divorce should prevent me from setting the boundaries and rules in my house. It will be just stupid. My question was not how to make her love me I doubt it’s possible. Thanks for the advice about the grades. Since the rules will be the same for all the kids I will discuss with my husband how to go about it without having a double standards for SD and BS
All of this other...stuff
All of this other...stuff aside, if your H isn't going to be present and engaged in parenting his admittedly difficult daughter, then this will. not. work.
How can he possibly parent her if he's always working? I'll tell you right now, he's going to say anything to get you to agree to having his daughter live with you. But once she's there and the inevitable conflict arises, his divorce guilt will kick in and he'll whine about being caught in the middle. He'll blame you, allow her to manipulate him and paint you as the evil SM, and he'll try to bury his head in the sand. And you WILL be the bad guy, because you are the outsider, no blood relation, and therefore the most convenient scapegoat.
The only hope of success you have (and it's a microscopic one) is for your H to draw very firm boundaries with his daughter before she even comes. He needs to lay down the law, tell her that you are the one in charge of the home, and that he expects her to show respect for you at all times.
That’s a chance right?
i also think that because I also work a lot (2 jobs) and will have a little baby to care about a lot of this can just pass me. My hope is also that SD15 (will be 16) will have a lot of to deal with herself like new school and friends and she will have little focus on conspiring against me.
Her dad works a lot so he has no time to parent her, should I Judt act the same. Ok she is not washing her her hands or not clearing after herself..or wearing extremely short shorts..she is not my daughter I should just stop caring about all this. Since I’m at work form 7 am to 7 pm ...so that was my main hope. Clean my own part of the street and stop caring
Since I'm at work form 7 am
Since I'm at work form 7 am to 7 pm
Who is watching the kids? They don't stay in school or daycare until 7pm. Who makes the rules in the house until you get home? Where's your baby gonna be? Do you expect SD to babysit??
my husband works from home
Plus some summer camps and sports. Most of the time of they not doing that they are on the screens.
I cook food before or after work.
Baby is going to go to the daycare since my leave will be 4 months max but my mom might help a bit.
After a baby is born I will adjust the schedule to daycare schedule
You need to face the probable
You need to face the probable fact that SD will never respect you cuz her dad is a cheater. She might see you as the next in a long line of women.
You need to set up house rules with your DH. Anything else, her clothes, what she eats, her grades........not your circus, not your monkey.
This is actually pretty covered
so I don’t think she knows about his past and I think for her the thing is pretty straight forward. She thinks all that started only with me. I don’t know even if he ever told ex all about his doings even after divorce. Funny enough didn’t want to hurt her fillings. I think maybe ex also thinks it’s just me.
I don’t want any of the kids to babysit
irs our baby-) only if they will want to make some money-) who knows
About the normal school year not summers—
my son is in school till 3 then goes home eats does homework and goes to sport that he does till 8 pm every weekday plus one day on a weekend. Then he goes home eats dinner with us . For SD not sure what her schedule will be now I understand it’s not my call
Nope it's not. And your son
Nope it's not. And your son isn't HIS daughter. You can ask for and expect respect. PERIOD.
If you and your H both work
If you and your H both work long hours, who is supposed to be parenting this girl?? Teens NEED supervision and guidance, and your H's daughter could get into all sorts of trouble between 3 - 7 p.m.
I think both you and your H are being naive about this. I know, because I went through this TWICE. My H and I both worked swing shifts (me 55+ hours per week), yet when his 15 yo son got in a fight with BM and said "I'm gonna live with my Daaad!" I ended up with a semi feral teen in my home. My DH had zero game plan for who was going to supervise, feed, check homework, etc. Sonny boy wasn't happy to discover I had rules, and flounced back to mommy six months later. Two years later, YSD unexpectedly ended up living with us. I found her to be even more difficult than the boy.
Again, teens can get into A LOT of trouble, and should not be left unsupervised. You need to really drill down on the details of your SD's care with your H:
As you can see, there's a lot to discuss and negotiate if you want this to be a success and ensure that your H doesn't just assume that you will take care of everything for him. You can work it out now, or suffer for it later.
Wow this is quite a list
thanks for sharing. I will start talking with the H about it. I thought it’s not my role to bring her to doctors or talk to the teachers but you right it’s good to set his expectations
No it's not your role. If you
No it's not your role. If you're not there who does it for him??
Well good question.
I don’t think my DH realises all of the work that is associated with the kids - I do my son’s stuff like this
Advice here
Take the good, leave the bad.
I have 5 years into this adventure, with the added advantage of a step daughter Munchkin SD13 who loves me, and thinks that "I am really good for her dad..."
But without that advantage the best you can do is to have your DH lay down the law firmly, with stated repercussions. She will either accept you or not, but the fact is that you are the woman of the house and must be respected as such. You are going to be the primary child care provider, and there needs to be acceptance of that.
If there are no repercussions then there is no reason that SD needs to listen to either of you. Things like taking electronics/limiting screen time, no tv, grounding, etc. My elder SD20, grew up without repercussions to her actions, and is a rude, mean, filthy, lying, sociopathic narcissist. No repercusions helped her get that way.
So, you will probably not be able to overcome the obvious distaste she has for you, however your partner should back you up on basic human respect. Otherwise start looking around for places for you and your littles to stay while she is still with you for next few years. Creating an escape hatch is the best you can do for your youngsters.
Thanks for your advice!
Having that will be the most difficult part for us I think since she is doesn’t have that in her current home where she lives with mom, aunties and grandmothers who just not saying no to anything
No good will come of it trust me
You can have the nicest DH in the world , but if there is already problems with your skid's and they don't live with you trust me it will not get better just worse. Your husband will say anything, agree to anything and do anything to get them in the door. So even if the house rules are in writing they mean nothing. Just read my blog.
I cannot change anything about it
I almost sure you 100% right and I’m walking into the problem. I will check your blog. How we all end up agreeing to he SK living with us and suffer??? -)
Rule #1 if SO is too busy to
Rule #1 if SO is too busy to parent, the kids don't need to be there.
He thinks his parenting is fine
I think my perspective on parenting is more traditional like shores, rules, duties, study and being involved more in setting what a kid does during the day and so on and my husband thinks it’s fine the way it is simple be present for them and spends time with them like having fun in a pool when he has a min...he doesn’t think that his busy schedule can prevent SD from moving to our house.