New StepTalk Member Here
More of an intro versus a venting post but comments are welcome :)
So I have been married with my DH for roughly 7 years. We have 3 beautiful girls shared and his DD. I came across this site because I was reasearching to see if I’m the only one who dislikes her SD. Anywho, I really feel as though I have compromised a lot in this relationship. I know a lot of toy may call me crazy for sticking around and be it as it may now, with 3 girls, now looking back I realized how naive I was. I have grown a lot these last few years with having our two youngest girls (1 year and 8 days apart). I compromised tonmoving away from our hometown for him to be closer to his DD. Thinking maybe the scenery will help her. She’s a drama mama. Not only now as a teenage which is the norm for girls, but even prior to now. Not only with our household but with BM and her BF, the difference is their concerns I guess have resolved of her BF is so engulfed into work it gets swept under the rug. Idk.
I am tired of sleeping under the rug, being a SAHM I do that sh*t often as it is lol. That’s an other thing compromised, I stopped working. I just feel really hopeless as I’m losing myself disengaging in our home when she’s here, losing myself always feeling there’s no point to speaking to him about her bad behavior, habits, lack of respect etc. He says his tolerance for her is higher due to her not always being in our home like our 3 girls are.
That blows my mind.
Things haven’t been easy, prior to moving we would argue in front of his DD and our shared DD. We now learned to walk away and speak or wait for them to be sleeping. One incident her mother called him about something she made up, Saying when she comes I’ll only ask our shared oldest if she was hungry or wanted to go to the park etc. BM complained that their DD was being treated disrespectfully and I asked why didn’t he defend me? His DD mentioned me not asking her if she was hungry and I brought our oldest into it who confirmed I asked both and SD rolled her eyes. So being confronted and upset I lashed out in front of he and the two girls stating I’m beyond tired of this disrespectful, compulsive lying, manipulating, eye rolling little shit. I am tired of not having someone on my side when I should even more so when DH knows SD lies.
Hopefully I’ll gain some insight through my fellow steppers
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Comments
Welcome to the site!
Something wicked is right, bio Dads often have their "Dad goggles" on when looking at their offspring and fail to see how truly awful their behaviour is. What ages are SD and your daughters? I gather that she is into her teens - early teens are a foul time for girls, and even bio mothers find their daughters hard work at this age.
But I'm sorry - your DH's excuse for her bad behaviour ie that she is not in the house all the time - is pathetic. He needs to step up to the plate and exert some serious discipline. In my own experience and being on this site for many years, non custodial fathers of girls in particular, seem so reluctant to be anything other than a Disney Dad for fear of alienating their daughter/s so that they don't want to come round any more. My DH certainly was guilty of this.
Trust your not the only one
Trust your not the only one on this site that dislikes their SD or even SS for that matter. It's difficult to like someone when they lie and are disrespectful. In your case you have compromised and changed so much of your life to accommodate your H. You moved and are now a SAHM. You feel you have lost yourself because you have. Are you able to go back to work even if just part time? You need to do something for yourself to lift you from that funk you're in.
He says his tolerance for her is higher due to her not always being in our home like our 3 girls are.
This is no excuse for your H to allow disrespectful behavior and the fact that he doesn't address or give consequences to poor behavior is setting the tone of what your future will look like, more of the same. You need to tell him everything that you said here and ask him what action is he going to take to change things to help improve your marriage. He's functioning on guilty daddy syndrome and it's impacting your relationship and that of all the kids involved.
Your DH needs to parent his
Your DH needs to parent his daughter regardless of how often she is there - anything less is neglecting his responsibility as a parent.
I wonder how he'd feel if you let your mutual kids run wild and then dismissed his concerns about their behavior.
You know what? SD is older
You know what? SD is older than the other girls, old enough to fend for herself. Even IF you asked the littles what they want to eat, and didn't ask her, who GAF? Seriously, if there is no abuse going on, just ignore BM and SD. They are probably getting off on pushing your buttons. So don't react. BM can go feck herself.
SD's behavior should have consequences. Don't do ANYTHING for her anymore. No more treats, no more gifts, no more outings, no more rides, nothing. And let DH clean up after her messes when he gets home.
DH doesn't have to take BM's calls, either. He can put her on Ignore. Texts and emails only, and then he can ignore them and keep them to himself.
Put the brat and BM on ignore
Put the brat and BM on ignore. Tell your DH to stop relaying BM’s toxic crap to you.
We have a phrase here “Ignore the whore!” Doesn’t mean that anyone is whoring around - just means ignore the aholes who try to pollute your life.
I’ve asked, believe me.
He says they have a good relationship, I mean never mind the fact he had her for 3 years due to BM being in jail, never mind just 2 years ago she was arrested for stealing makeup- MAKEUP- from Publix so I guess if that’s a good relationship where you do stupid sh*t and abandon your child then hey whatever floats your boat. But I’ve asked. And there’s always a defense. Mind you SD has her own phone - wait TWO phones one we pay for one her mother pays for. So you’re right idk why in hell they still communicate. If it’s not about HER bf being kicked out for watching porn ( I mean better than cheating) or problems her and her mom are having it’s about something made or imagined that their DD has created.
Woe is me.