Relationship on a ballistic trajectory
Or I guess you could call it a "free-fall."
Quick recap: I am dating a woman who has two feral children. The daughter is unbelievably spoiled, lazy, and entitled. She barely graduated high school, and is a major pot-head. She bought an "ESA" dog that my girlfriend is highly allergic to, and won't get rid of it. Her supposed "anxiety" disorder is so deblitating that she can't sleep by herself. So, that means she co-sleeps with my girlfriend, unless her own boyfriend gets to stay over, or her brother is visiting (they sleep on separate couches in the living room). THe boyfriend, as you might guess, is a piece of shit who hardly works and is often in trouble with the law.
The son is better, but he has lately been complaining about "anxiety" in order to excuse bad behavior and get his way. Wonder where he got that idea?
My girlfriend will never admit it, but she deliberately enmeshed/enfebiled her children so they wouldn't grow up, and would be dependent on her. Well, that is now biting my girlfriend in the ass, since she can't handle the stress her two ferals are causing her. She is getting migraines 2-3 times a week, is naseous all the time, can't sleep, and has put on a lot of weight.
There was a brief glimmer of hope that the daughter would launch, but that's not happening now. First, daughter and boyfriend were going to move in with friends, but that got vetoed by the friends' landlord. Then they were going to get their own place, but boyfriend just dropped a ton of cash on an expensive rifle that he doesn't need, so it is clear he is not serious about saving for the money needed to get their own place. Daughter just started a job, which we hoped would help her to earn and save some money, but I doubt that happens. She is already complainign of "anxiety" due to the job, and will probably quit or get fired. The job is easy, by the way. She is a stocker at a grocery store, so it shouldn't be that stressful. She is not anxious, she is f*cking lazy!
We were planning on moving in next year, but I'm not sure I want that to happen. I was ok with hosting the sone while he is finishing high school, but not if he starts the "anxiety" bs like his sister. I also don't mind hosting the daughter, if she was going to school, or at least working in order to save money. That's clearly not going to happen, and the prospect of having a lazy, unemployed, pot-smoking kiddult taking up space in my house is not appealing to me.
At this point, I am waiting for the relationship to collapse under the weight of my GF's ferals. I love her, but as we all know, love is not enough. I honestly think that the daughter will never leave home. Why would she? She's got a sweet deal, and I worry that the son will try and position himself for the same. She'd be best served by getting on disability and at least contributing some of her SSI, but GF would never let her help pay for things.
Just venitng really, and waiting for what is likely inevitable.
All I can say is that I am
All I can say is that I am glad you can see the situation for what it's worth. My question is - why wait around for the relationship to collapse when you can walk away now and spare yourself the grief of the many months/years it might take for your gf to reach that point?
A fair question. GF at least
A fair question. GF at least "talks the talk" about launching feral daughter. I know it will probably not happen, but I want to give her every opportunity.
I'm really not in a hurry. GF is still meeting many of my physical and emtional needs. I just know that I can't be happy with the current set-up long term. I'm not buying a house only to end up sleeping on the couch becuase Feral Daughter is co-sleeping with my GF at age 25!
Also, we have no legal ties at this point. We have not bought anyting jointly. We're not getting married anytime soon. Even if they moved into my house, they would not have any right to stay there, since it would be in my name only, and dowrer rights wouldn't apply.
Also, if we got married, my income would count on Feral Daughter's FAFSA if she ever **did** try to go to school. That is BS!
My girlfriend will never
My girlfriend will never admit it, but she deliberately enmeshed/enfebiled her children so they wouldn't grow up, and would be dependent on her.
Her daughter bought a dog to which she has allergies, and your gf allows this.
Her daughter has "anxiety" and cosleeps with either her bf or you gf (EW!).
...she can't handle the stress her two ferals are causing her. She is getting migraines 2-3 times a week, is naseous all the time, can't sleep, and has put on a lot of weight.
Well, of course she can't handle it. Reality is that she has failed miserably as a parent. Yet continues to "parent" in the same awful way instead of acknowledging she is a bad parent and DOING SOMETHING TO CHANGE THAT.
What, exactly, do you find attractive about this woman???
We've talked about this. Her
We've talked about this. Her response is the classic answer we see so often on here: "I'm afraid I'll lose her if I put my foot down."
What do I find attractive? She is nice to me, we have common interests, we have fun watching our favorite shows and doing activities. She takes care of me sexually. There is value there, but there is also the dysfunction that makes me hestiate to put a ring on her.
So, she's a parental failure
So, she's a parental failure who knows she is a failure and willingly continues to fail so her children will have a future as... failures.
Paul, there are a lot of women out there who could do ALL of those things for/with you and NOT have this kind of baggage and character flaw. I hope you do NOT put a ring on it because it's NOT going to change. The longer you wait, the harder it is to cut bait.
Oh, dear god, that cannot be attractive
An adult sniveling about losing someone because the adult sets some boundaries and rules?
How are the two of you different, and why is she worse?
She's enabling her children so she still gets to be mommy.
You are keeping things going so you keep getting sex.
It's good that you see the
It's good that you see the situation clearly. It doesn't sound like things are going to change, as your gf has no intentions of changing anything, and these things tend to get worse over time. At least you realized this before getting married and/or having kids together.
You have always seemed
You have always seemed like a nice guy so perhaps you are not really thinking this through. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you once were sincerely attracted to her and thought that there was actually something of a real relationship possibility. Because frankly what you are describing is a guy who has no respect for the woman he finds convenient for now and who gives a decent BJ and is good for some laughs but he knows he is going to dump as soon as something better catches his eye. That is not a good color on you.
I am assuming that this woman has no idea how you really feel and is assuming, despite what you may have said that you need her to do about her kids first, that you are still serious about moving the relationship forward because you are sticking around. Be a stand-up guy and stop wasting her love while you are killing time.
(No subject)
Why is GF afraid of losing her DD
Having DD becoming an adult and moving out is losing her? Your GF is the problem and you know that. It’s never going to change
Dude, I've been here 8 years
Dude, I've been here 8 years reading your stuff & I have to wonder what is wrong with you?
Are you physically deformed?
Do you have chronic untreatable halitosis?
Do you actually work at Game Stop as a PT Cashier?
Do you have unresolved Mommy issues?
Seriously, you seem like an okay guy but you KEEP getting yourself in these situations. As a woman we learn about being "dickmatized" from sleeping with someone too early & the hormonal release creating a false feeling of "love". Is this what is happening to you???
Run for the hills. In the 8 years I've been here you haven't gotten any younger & all you're doing by staying in this relationship that isn't a love connection leading to a life partnership is wasting time that you could be meeting the right person & finally understanding your own worth, in a relationship with a partner who completes you & lifts you up, rather than dragging you down.
Adult kids do not get to stay
Adult kids do not get to stay unless they are in school full time, working full time or half time for both school and work. No work, no school, no stay.
We had this adventure with my SS-27 when he was 18.
Good luck and stay strong on this.
Going to respond to several posts at once
First off, I **do** love this woman. Very much. We have a great relationship together, even when the kids are around. The problem is the enmeshing behavior that has stunted her children’s development.
I do a lot for GF. I listen to her vent about her bad days at work. I take her to the doctor. I take care of her when she has migraines. I buy a lot of meals for her and the kids. I buy reasonable gifts for her and the kids.
I have taken up new hobbies and clubs that she likes, and found that I like most of them myself. I clean house, I run errands, I do stuff with her family. I write love letters to her. I listen to her hopes and dreams. I paid for her daughter’s surgery when no one would or could, because it was the right thing to do.
If that sounds like a guy who isn’t in love, then I can’t convince you otherwise.
It is only recently that I have grown this despondent and have seriously thought about leaving. I will work hard for this relationship. I am just starting to resign myself to the idea that it may not work.
When I read this, I read all
When I read this, I read all of the things YOU do for her and her offspring.
YOU take her to the doctor/take care of her.
YOU buy meals for her/her kids.
YOU paid for daughter's surgery.
YOU clean house and run errands.
YOU take up HER hobbies and go to HER clubs (thankfully, you like most).
YOU listen to HER hopes and dreams...
What YOU do. What YOU buy.
Paul. I'm certain you can re-read that and see how unbalanced this relationship sounds to us. It definitely sounds like she is getting much more out of this than you are and there's not enough nooky in the world to make up for that serious imbalance.
Which is it Steptalk? Am I a
Which is it Steptalk? Am I a pig or a rube?
For what it’s worth, I engage in acts of service because I like to help. She knows it’s unbalanced right now, but other than companionship, what can she do? She can’t help me with my business. I don’t have any kids. She can’t exercise with me due to her health. I’m not sure what is expected of her in this situation.
And by “companionship,” I mean more than sex. We talk together. We cook together. Watch movies together. Read together. She comes to see me when I travel for work. I am fine with her “contribution.” I am just worried about the stress and problems creates by her Feral Daugter.
WTH. I did not call you
WTH. I did not call you either one of those things.
I commented on what you wrote. My apologies for upsetting you.
I never said that
I never said that you were a pig. Just please read the paragraph you wrote in response to the question above at the beginning of the thread of "what do you find attractive about her?" I tried to paste it here but it didn't work. It made me cringe. If someone wrote that in response to them being asked what they found attractive about me, I think I would die of humiliation and never be able to face them again. It is the perfect description of "she'll do for now......."
.
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Wow man. I was reading this,
Wow man. I was reading this, thought I got it from your perspective. Until you started insulting people trying to help.
Peanut gallery? Not being a pig or a rube. Being a real jerk.
Put a ring on it.
Thanks for your constructive
Thanks for your constructive criticism. I will deeply reflect on it, and will incorporate it into my daily efforts to live my best life.
For the record, pushing back on people who insinuate that I don’t love my GF, or make other assumptions or insinuations, is not being a jerk, in my opinion. It’s clarifying comments, or calling people out for their assumptions. And yes, some people made helpful comments, but others did not.
Everyone knows that first
Everyone knows that first comment is a complete lie.
Grouping all into your peanut gallery instead of responding to those who offended you is a jerk move and you know it.
Blogs let you delete what you don't deem "constructive". Peace out.
"Service" is her preferred
"Service" is her preferred love language so you do things for her? Buy things for her. Pay for things for her adult kids. Clean her house that you don't reside in.
Basically you do things for her because she wants you to. Not because it's YOUR love language. How YOU express love but how she likes to receive love.
There are terms for that. Like "whore". Basically goods/services/$$$ for sexual favors or emotional favors.
Read this stuff over. Multiple times.
Noone here called you a pig.
We think you're being used.
We think you're better than this.
We think you deserve a PARTNER.
You might not recognize people caring about you but this is it.
Though you listed some
Though you listed some wonderful things about her, SO has still raised two feral children and is a failure as parent. That failure never completely goes away. Her feral crotch droppings will always interfere in your relationship.
You have already said that is unacceptable to you. So... do yourself and your SO a favor and move on. She will never fix nor will she purge her spawn from her/your life.
This deal breaker will not end.