SD already in trouble at new school on just 3rd day of school year
For those following my recent blog posts, I got a call this morning from SD15's new Christian school indicating she received demerits and an office referral because she failed to obey her teacher's instructions to sit at attention, not slouch in her seat, and keep her feet under her desk.
When the teacher indicated SD would receive demerits if she didn't comply, she uttered "Oh My God", and that was considered using the Lord's name in an UnChristlike manner. The office called DH but got his voicemail so they called me.
I spoke with the principal and he indicated SD said she was sorry. He said seeing that she's a new student, she is going to be punished with only a detention and additional assigned bible verses to memorize by Friday. (I was tempted to ask what would the normal punishment be if she wasn't a new student, but I didn't want him to rethink his decision and possibly get SD in any more trouble. DH needs to handle this - not me.)
And of course, DH is at work so I'll have to pick her up from detention. There's a part of me that wants to just step back and leave her there until DH can go pick her up after work.
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This is your first test, OP.
This is your first test, OP. Do too much now, and it will be expected going forward.
If you've already agreed to pick skid up, fine. Send her to her room for her father deal with, but you deal with him first. He needs to answer his phone when it rings; he needs to be the one leaving work; and he needs to be the one parenting. Make it clear to him that this was a one-off, a favor that he cannot count on in future.
I failed the first test in
I failed the first test in the sense I feel bad for SD and the events which led her to live with us. My older sister was a wildchild who went down a similar path as SD is going. I lived that craziness growing up, and I was the opposite in how my personality is. I was more the quiet one, well behaved, compliant, empathetic.
I'm always bouncing back and forth between feeling bad for SD, and feeling incredibly frustrated with her (as well as with her father at times when he's not here to deal with her.)
DH is stubborn - the more he hears about problems from her about anything school related, the more he doubles down on his decisions.
I personally think the only reason she made it the first couple days without any incidents is because DH threatened to look into a full time residential program for troubled teens if she didn't shape up. DH sees her Christian school as the middle ground option for her.
I don't want to see her shipped off to some ranch for troubled girls in the middle of nowhere. I'm scared for her. But at the same time, I'm frustrated too.
Suggestion
Drop her off at your DHs business.
From your other posts about her, I doubt she will stay in her room. And I guess she tries to fight with you about it. So don't do it. Drop her at her dad's place of work.
As a teacher I have a hard
As a teacher I have a hard time understanding WHY an educator would waste precious instructional time on something so damn ridiculous. Hell, I can't understand why a teacher would even want to work there.
The fact that the kid was present, attentive and ready to work should have been all that mattered.
Your husband is not trying to help his daughter. He is trying to FORCE her to conform to archaic ideas/beliefs.
I for one hope SD gives that school pure hell.
I went to an episcopal school
I went to an episcopal school as a middle school student. Everyone was a spoiled rich girl. Nothing like being in with a group of girls wielding all their money and power when you are already in an awkward phase in your life. BTW.. plenty of drugs.. drinking and illicit boy action.. even in the middle of the Christian curriculum.
I don't know.. I guess her dad is hoping the structure and rules will teach her self discipline? But, it is no substitute for appropriate parenting at home.
He could limit her ability to be out in the world outside of school.. it might mean he has to figure out how to work from home to supervise.. or have her involved in activities that keep her occupied until he is home from work.
That could be done.. public or parochial.
But, he should be the one getting the phone calls on this. I might make that clear with the school.. discipline issues? Those go to daddy... the only reason they need to call you is if it is an EMERGENCY and you are unable to reach their father.. demerits are not an emergency.
Two completely polar opposite
Two completely polar opposite parents and the monkey (SD) and SM in the middle...good luck.
First of all, your DH has a DD he’s is parenting
Why did his phone go to voicemail, Why didn’t he call the school ASAP. His head was in the sand, Think you will handle it ? You have a DH problem too. He is the main parent now. His phone should not go to voice mail. Why did not DH go to that school and talk to the principal ?
Your DH does not want to parent this kid, he expects the school and you to parent her. You have to disengage or you are going to be the bad guy wipping person. Let DH handle his DD. She need mental health help what he not doing also.
I'm not going to make excuses
I'm not going to make excuses for DH not being able to always answer his phone, but he does have the type of job where he's not always immediately reachable. He does not purposely avoid answering the phone when he's at work. If he's able to, he picks up.
If both of us were to miss a call from school, I don't see how that helps SD's situation any better. If anything, she'll just feel more alone in a school with expectations she's not prepared for.
In one of my earlier responses to this post I talk about growing up with my older sister who was a lot like SD. I don't know how to just totally turn my back on SD. I'm scared for her.
You aren't turning your back
You aren't turning your back on her - you are letting DH be the parent. He wanted custody of her, he needs to do the heavy lifting here. He chooses a ridiculously strict school, he needs to make the effort to deal with her suspensions. Even if the call went to voice mail, he can check, call back, and go get his daughter.
You can be the supportive adult in her life that doesn't have to be strict with her as DH feels he has to.
Maybe this was explained
Maybe this was explained before but why was she put into a religious based school? I was a "good" student and even I'd have issues with how strict this is.
Is the idea to slam her into compliance? What will happen when this fails? This week she's in trouble for not sitting pretty, next week she'll get kicked out because told the teacher to " F off".
And really the school needing to call a parent because a student used the "Lord's name in an unchristlike manner"? This is a teenager. Not a small child. The school can handle this. Give the girl detention and call it a day. Don't make a production and force parents to come in.
BM lost all custody and is in
BM lost all custody and is in legal trouble. In previous blogs I wrote more about that whole situation. SD was not supervised, and she was having sex with older teens - some not even in school anymore. Drugs were always present. SDs grades plummeted and she was skipping a lot of school days. BM was too preoccupied to care.
DH got full custody this summer, and he felt she needs a stricter school with less distraction.
He does have the mindset where he wants her to conform and course correct from the trajectory she was on with BM. He strongly feels she would simply pick up where she left off without this intervention.
As to what happens if this doesn't work out...I don't know. DH told her he would look into a residential bible based youth ranch for troubled teens if she doesn't shape up. He told her this over the weekend, and she clamed up.
What is it with bible based?
What is it with bible based? Christian school where you memorize bible verses as punishment (that would make me really like the bible NOT) and residential bible based ranch for troubled teens. How religious is DH? Does he follow the bible in his daily life?
When he looks at residential bible based schools make sure he researches their Christian philosophy to be sure the school fits his definition of Christian. I am Christian, but there are some Christian groups I would not want influencing my child.
I can understand why SD clammed up. She's been removed from her mother's care and now her father is threatening to send her away if she doesn't fit into the Christian school he has decided will replace his guidance in her life.
DH had a deeply religious and
DH had a deeply religious and strict upbringing, and credits that as the foundation for being very self-disciplined and successful. He feels this is what his daughter lacked while living with BM.
Where is the rest of the
Where is the rest of the child's family? Since dad isn't willing to actually parent, are there grandparents, aunts, older cousins that are willing to put in the effort needed to help this girl?
The apple didn't fall far
The apple didn't fall far from the tree on BM's side of the family. Her mother turned a blind eye to all that BM was involved with, and BM's father split on the family years ago.
DH has a local brother with wife who we see occasionally, and DH has one remaining parent who is partially disabled.
Regardless, DH doesn't see himself as a non-parent. He is depending on me to help SD because we are a family, and he is a responsible hardworking person doing what it takes to provide for his family. He loves his daughter. I wouldn't allow myself to get so involved with SD if that wasn't the case. It's just hard for me to see where this heading for SD, and I wish she would cooperate, even just for a little while and try to move forward.
This isn't to pick at you but
This isn't to pick at you but if DH sees himself as the hardworking person providing for the family what are you? You may have already answered this but are you employed or in some way dependant on DH finically?
I'm self employed and have
I'm self employed and have flexibility working from home for the most part. While I contribute financially, DH makes substantially more than I do. I don't begrudge him working.
I wasn't condeming him for
I wasn't condeming him for working either. My worry was more focused towards you working or not. I've known people who complaing about having to take care of the children while their partner works and they don't. You being self-employed is a job which gives you every right to say no to taking care of her since you are supporting the home. If you weren't contributing I'd say different because that's part of being the stay at home spouse.
Your husband doesn't see
Your husband doesn't see himself as a nonparent, but that's exactly what he is.
Instead of putting in the work that is required to raise a child, he is paying an organization to do it for him.
I'm pretty sure your husband works with plenty of people that are hard working, self discipline, ethical...that were educated in public schools. He can get the results he is seeking without beating a child into submission.
Again.. I wold reiterate to
Again.. I wold reiterate to the school. You are not to be called for disciplinary issues. They need to contact her father.period. If there is an emergency then you can be a backup.. but only in the event of an emergency.
I second this, but you may also need
Some sort of legal document in the case of emergencies that says you can make decisions. If you don't have that, in the case of emergencies your hands would be more tied.
What is DH doing with her?
What is DH doing with his daughter at night and on the weekends? Is he doing things with her, talking to her, not just shuttling her places? If he's not interacting with her and setting up a deeper relationship, I predict her view of the school as punishment is going to grow and she will run away.
This kid needs a parent who
This kid needs a parent who watches what she does and takes an interest in her life, not a whack over the head with the Bible.
To me, it's not the religious aspect, it's the narrow idea that strict discipline and punishment will help her. She's just going to get the idea that Dad doesn't care about her any more than Mom did, because he's not listening to her one bit.
You just want her to "cooperate"? When absolutely none of this was her choice? That's not in the slightest bit realistic. In fact, I'd be shocked if she doesn't run away back to BM's.
Maybe DH should try some fatherly guidance and structure, listening and love instead of paying a school to punish his kid.
I get it. I grew up getting
I get it. I grew up getting the snot beat out of me by my violent, delinquent older sister. I was a good kid, well behaved with excellent grades, and we could not have been more different. I also know what it's like to have custody suddenly change and had a sexually active, emotionally damaged, behaviorally challenged 14 yo girl skid land on my doorstep.
BUT, you can't compare apples to oranges, and you can't save this kid. Only her father can do that. Your past experiences have little bearing, because the primary relationship is between father and daughter. That is the one that must be worked on first. Support your H in working to find common ground with his daughter and in growing into his role as a full time parent, but don't interfere by parenting for him.
I strongly encourage you to suggest counseling for father and daughter. They need to find some sort of common ground and improve their bond, or life in your home will be that special brand of H@ll that only teen girls can make.
I don't even think
the kiddo in question needs saving. She just needs a normal level of supervision and appropriate freedoms. And a school setting that is best for her, not best for her dad. He won't do that though. He doesn't care enough to do it.
She made it
one more day than I thought she would!
It's sad that the school is focused on sitting up straight instead of educating their students. I am sadder still that you are going along with this and helping your husband with this shit show of a school. Your husband doesn't actually care if he child is happy, safe, learning to think for herself or anything else. As I said, he just wants what he wants.
So another prediction....because your husband is insisting on punishing his child for her mother's mistakes through education, she will end up running away within six months.
Bible verses as a punishment.
Bible verses as a punishment. Yeah, that's a good way to promote a healthy religious worldview. She's plenty old enough to have an opinion on God and religion. Has any one asked her about her beliefs?
I also grew up with a structured, religious schooling and I also credit some of my success to that environment, specifically the quality of education. But I also credit my parents, who had solid expectations for me and parented me pretty consistently. I was not an easy child and a worse teenager. Throughout, my parents nurtured independence and responsibility, I no longer practice that (or any) religion, but I am still independent and responsible.
Your SD is not DH, and what he feels worked for him will not necessarily work for her. She will rebel, sooner or later, end up running with a pack of wild animal "friends," using drugs, pregnant.
I think your DH needs to take a step back and look at what might work for HER. Get some professional help. Talk to schools in the area to see what they recommend. Find a therapist specializing in teen development and seek advice. That girl is screwed up from the BM, and she will be screwed up in a different direction from your DH.
I am glad you have some empathy for this girl. You might be the only reasonable voice she hears.
This is going to be a disaster
I posted this comment on your last blog but have re-copied it as it still stands.
I went to a tiny strict catholic boarding school. Personally I hated it but put up with it due to family circumstances. However, so many families sent their “problem” girls for the school to fix. It never worked.
Even worse, once even the most outwardly compliant students graduated they went wild. Most flunked or nearly flunked the 1st year of university if they got far. 7% ended up in rehab, 3% were hospitalised for other issues. Even years later I saw two of my year taking coke openly at a non drugy party when we were supposed to be proper grown ups.
I never had an of these problems because I had at least one parent who parented. The school can’t do the parents job.
Tell all of this to your husband before he creates a worse problem.
One other thought
What is with the bible verses? Even the nuns made us do something useful with our punishments - extra academic work or cleaning
I think memorizing bible
I think memorizing bible verses has more to do with training and reflection - not so much to do with punishment. SD had to write a one page apology letter to her teacher for being insubordinate. And she will have to memorize assigned bible verses, and recite them orally from memory tomorrow for that same teacher.
Did she memorize the verses
Did she memorize the verses and recite them?
She did okay. SD was able to
She did okay. SD was able to recite the first of three assigned verses immediately at the start of detention. Her teacher made her sit at attention (back straight, knees together, feet flat on the floor) and repeatedly copy the second assigned verse until she felt ready to try reciting it. She got the second verse, and then worked on repeatedly copying the third verse, but she wasn't able to fully recite it by the time detention ended. He let her off with the third one, and just had her hand in all the copies.
Side question
Based on previous posts about BM and the information in this post about your DH: how did a deeply religious guy get into a relationship with a woman who is doing illegal things and seems to be his polar opposite?
DH has told me that when they
DH has told me that when they got married they were both too young, and only knew each other for about a year. After they had their daughter, they grew apart over time and mutually separated because BM was regretting being married in general. She wasn't a drug user at the time. Her problems began after the divorce when she was in a car accident and became addicted to pain meds.
DH didn't know anything about her drug use until he started hearing about BMs new friends in bits and pieces. These people became BMs new crowd to get high and party with. It's very sad because BM and DH got along even after the divorce. It wasn't adversarial until DH learned the full extent of what was going on with BM, and her unwillingness to protect their daughter in that household.