Feeling like an asshole.

Forums:

Yes, I am probably a massive asshole but I have had anxiety all week. SD is coming to our neck of the woods to see friends and asked DH to stay at our house to which he said yes. She is his daughter, it is one night so why wouldn’t he? He ran it by me and I said yes. How could I refuse.

It sounds so petty doesn’t it? Unfortunately, I am absolutely triggered by even the thought of having her in my home given the past history.

No, it's not petty. I feel

No, it's not petty. I feel anxious every time I have contact with my SS19, and he's never even been rude to me. But he was part of the drama that we dealt with in terms of BM and her alienation of him, and I think I have a little PTSD surrounding that whole time. Just having him around reminds me of all the stress and drama that we endured and which could always rear its ugly head again.

Can you go out and do some things with a friend or on your own so you aren't around her much while she's here?

That’s exactly it Tog

Just the pure anxiety and stress that surrounds the step kids and their awful mother that something as simple as her staying a night sends me into a spin. I have barely slept a wink. I could go out today but my little bubba has a cold and we have friends coming for lunch so I need to start food prep. Thanks for the response. Nice to know fellow Steptalkers ‘get it’.

When ss21 comes over our home environment is so strained

Negative and depressing.

i do my best to ignore ss and be with the kids to distract me

You are not an asshole. Did your DH "run it by you" before he

told her "yes"? If not, he's the asshole. My DH did something very similar. He ended up telling his 40 something aged "kids" they could come stay at our place with BM in tow. He later "ran it by me." I told him, "No way. She's your EX WIFE. These are GROWN PEOPLE, otherwise known as ADULTS. I already am expected to mingle with her during holidays and birthdays for family members. I do NOT WANT HER IN MY PERSONAL SPACE, where I put my head down on my pillow every night." He comes back with telling me how amicable their divorce was, and it's not for her, it's for his "kids." I told him it would be nice if he would consider my feelings FIRST, then give everyone else a response. Similar things happened afterward, until I absolutely hit him between the eyes with what the consequences would be if he insisted on making unilateral decisions that effect me.

Anxiety is the "new norm" where these people are concerned, and these DH's don't want to "get it" or understand it, because it would be an admission they'd somehow failed as fathers.

You are being very gracious. I would not want it, given the nasty history. If you can, please try to do something for yourself or with friends to get away. I know it's horrible to think you have to run away from home to accommodate them, but if it preserves your sanity and eliminates your anxiety, then I say do it. I truly hope it is only one day and doesn't magically turn into 3!

You can do this! And YES, itn the words of Petronella, "...he owes YOU BIG!"

Thanks Miss Texas

Well...

She woke me up coming in at 1.30am and with an 8 month old baby, sleep is at an absolute premium. I nodded back off around 4am and was absolutely exhausted yesterday.

Eventually she materialises, takes one look at the baby who was playing and walks into another room. Quite a difference from when she was last here and playing to the audience, carrying him around. Doesn’t even say ‘hey buddy’ or anything like that. I said to DH (again) that she is a horrid little sociopath who can mimic normal human and social interaction but when she thinks no one is watching, the mask slips.

I also had to ventilate the room for 24 hours as she had absolutely stunk it out. Even her being here for one overnight stay triggers me emotionally and in a sensory way. As posters above have said themselves it is certainly a PTSD type response.

"...the mask slips" isn't that the truth?

They can only keep it in place for so long. Then the "real me" gets exposed for all the world to see. For a narcissist (which can be very similar to a sociaopath) that is their greatest fear; being found out! They're nothing but a phony.

So glad you got this overwith, and hopefully with minimal PTSD. (Perpetually Traumatic Step Daughter)

PTSD

perpetually traumatic step daughter! Hahaha I’m stealing that one! X

Feel free...I actually just made that up as I was closing my

message. I was torn between "perpetually" and "positively".

At any rate, I'm so glad your visit is overwith.

My SS and his sh*tty wife

My SS and his sh*tty wife probably did me a favor with their over the top ransacking of our home while we were on vacation. That’s when they ended up on triple permanent removal from my home and life. It’s been grand. One time when I was out of town SS gave Dh a ride home. He didn’t even pull into the driveway. I have outdoor cameras.

Before she arrives remind DH

Before she arrives remind DH of her past behavior and point out that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Let him know that if she so much as twitches out of line that he had better come down on her hard or you will and neither she nor he will like it.

Never let him forget her historic crap. When he brings her around or invites her he should be on pins and needles the who time she is there and extremely congizant of her crap.