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Talking to a BPPartner you're dating about feeling overwhelmed as a CF

birdsoffeathers's picture

Submitted by birdsoffeathers on Sun, 10/13/2019 - 8:12pm

Forums: 
General Discussion

Background

I am almost 40, CF and currently dating a man with three bio kids under the age of 13. This is my first experience dating someone with children. His divorce was amicable, and the kids are welcoming and warm toward me, as is the BM. He has 50% custody of his children and is a truly loving, generous, warm and kind father to them. (And embodies all of those qualities in his relationship with me.)

 

I will readily admit: I am someone who generally needs a lot of alone time, I am particular about things like chores, finances, etc., noise and disorder, I like having the freedom to come and go as I see fit, so on and so forth. The older I have become (and less likely to have biological children with a partner), the less interest in or intent I have to ever marry, cohabitate or financially merge with another person. 

 

Struggle

Understandably, dating someone to determine if our lives and values aligned was far more simple when my context was  only two, CF humans focused on each other. It has become infinitely more high stakes now that three other humans (four, if you count BM) are involved. The introduction of kids also feels like it has accelerated things and expectations.

 

While I adore my partner and his children, the longer we date, the more uncertain I become that SM is a role I can see myself being happy in. This is hugely conflicting and confusing, because my feeling for him continue to deepen. But as a dear friend always says, "Listen to your tummy when it talks." My tummy alarm is focused not on the people involved, but on the situation and long-term implications. There are several points on which we don't seem to see eye-to-eye (finances, parenting style, tidiness) that I have concerns could grow into eventual points of conflict. But for now, those seem secondary to the big question about whether a potential SM life is right for me. (And in turn, right for him and his kids.) 

 

After almost a year of dating, I find myself feeling more confused rather than finding clarity.  My short-term plan is to find a therapist who specialized in blended family and begin working through some of these questions. In the meantime, I am uncertain how to broach any of this with my partner. I don’t want him to think he or the kids have done anything wrong when it really is a current case of "it's not you, it's me." 

 

I’ve read so many forums and responses (thank you all for generously sharing your thoughts and experiences). The lack of sugar coating and brutal honesty is important food for thought. I’m wondering if anyone has had experience in telling their BP partner they are struggling with the "potential SP dynamic" while dating? How did you broach that discussion? How did your partner respond? What, if any, solutions did you come to? 

lorlors's picture

Submitted by lorlors on Mon, 10/14/2019 - 2:10pm

You sound like a very together and sorted type of person and maybe it will be different in your case if BM is reasonable and rational. In my case and a lot that I read about on here, it gets worse as time rolls by and as the children get older. DH may be lovely and not the problem but there are a lot of extra players and moving parts to think about and keep happy. Only you can decide if it is worth it or if you would be happier holding out and finding a life partner who is solely devoted to you. I liken step kids to a death by a thousand cuts. The headaches and BM/kid drama only got worse over time. Having your time governed by someone else’s custody schedule gets old really fast. Lots to think about.

georgina29's picture

Submitted by georgina29 on Mon, 10/14/2019 - 2:38pm

For a step parent, blended family situation to work you both need to be on the same page regarding finances and parenting style or else it will not work out. 

markwvualum's picture

Submitted by markwvualum on Mon, 10/14/2019 - 2:42pm

Things only get worse as the kids get older. There are many other factors involved even if you have a great relationship with your partner. Eventually issues with their kids, kid jealousy, the drama and invasiness of the other bio parent, etc. becomes wearing overtime not to mention the added financial stress due to having children. You will be better off finding a man without kids. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Mon, 10/14/2019 - 2:50pm

I am also child free so I understand some of the queasiness you are experiencing.  

IMO, you must consider the long-term implications because it WILL have an impact on YOUR life.   One thing that most of us CF people do not understand is the parental ties to children - and usually no matter what.  Most parents will go to the mat for their kids as long as they live.  Sometimes rightly so, sometimes so wrongly that it negatively impacts their marriages/relationships.  You can see it all over on the Adult Stepkids forum on Steptalk.  

You are dating a guy with three kids.  While things may all be great a year in, this can change in a flash.  Those kids who like you so much now may change their minds when they realize you are going to be around long-term.  Right now you are still in the novelty/honeymoon phase with them.  As those kids get older and more into puberty (especially the girls) they may see you as a real threat and their attitude and relationship with you will change.  Not to mention whatever trouble they might get into - whether illegal activities, substance abuse, neglecting their education, teen pregnancy, whatever... sometimes theydo stupid stuff that can have a lifetime impact on a parent.   

And it WILL impact you if you are in this relationship.  

Make no mistake - those "kids" will be around for the rest of your guy's life.  Even when they grow up they will still be there, and may be causing problems.  I am in that phase myself - where the SD has had her own baby and now I will face second generation challenges.  And then there is your old age - those kids may want to opine on your DH's finances (if he has anything left) and what he will choose to do with any assets he has as they may view it as their rightful inheritance.   So there you may be in your 60s, 70s, 80s, having to fight one or all of his kids on this.  

An elderly neighbor of mine "Ben" lived with a woman "Ann" for almost 20 years, in her house.  Her grown children lived not far but rarely checked on their mother.  Ann's kids had an amicable relationship with Ben and seemed to like him.  They were a well-established couple and intended to live together until they died.  As the years went by, Ann developed many health issues and became more and more frail.  Ben was there for her every step of the way - doctor's appointments, taking care of the house, groceries, cooking, etc.   Then, about two years ago Ann's kids came in (with legal help) and waved new documents under her nose, which she signed.  Ann, being docile and frail, went ahead and signed them.  The kids then told Ben that they had a trust set up so that when Ann died, the house and all her assets would be going into their trust.  They also advised Ben that when that happened, he should plan to make other arrangements for a place to live. 

And that's exactly what happened.  They gave Ben exactly 10 days to get his stuff out of "their mom's" house.  Thankfully, Ben still had retained a home of his own located nearby which he moved into.  Nonetheless, it was very difficult for a man in his 80s who was grieving his partner to move out and leave his "home" in a matter of 10 days.

A cautionary lesson for us all.  

My point of the story is that no matter how good things may seem now, if your gut instinct is telling you that something isn't right for you, then it isn't right.  You may still want to have a "living apart together" relationship with this man, where you always keep your own place and spend time together as you choose.  You've said you have a problem with the difference in finances and parenting style which are two HUGE areas of concern.  Even if you don't mix finances, there can still be problems.  He may be broke all the time and won't be able to do the things you can afford to, like vacations.  He may choose to give his kids every dime he has, even into adulthood, but expect you to pay your own way and maybe even his own! 

If I could go back in time, that's what I would have done.  And I still think about doing it.  I am forever grateful that I did NOT marry my SO, kept our finances separate and kept my own home, in reserve.

 

 

 

RAJ C's picture

Submitted by RAJ C on Mon, 10/14/2019 - 5:10pm

It seems to me that you are a very independent person, if you are not looking to cohabitate, share finances, want some alone time,etc. make sure your partner know this and that he is OK with this type of relationship. I could see a good future if you keep your independent house and get involved in kids activities as you see fit.

Now if he is expecting you to help him parent when kids are home, and to become involved in every aspect of stepparenting then you do not sound like a person who would enjoy and my advice would be to make the adult decision now and end the relationship now.