Man recently divorced and GF doesn't want him hanging out with his ex. Comments are 99% "the kids come first forever", she's a $!tch, kids are the priority, blah blah. Barf.
If parents are so concerned with playing happy family, for the kids' sake, why can they not just stay together, ya know, for the kids' sake? Why divorce, and then bring innocent people into their dysfunction and expect them to just deal with it?
And, it is confusing for the kids. Nothing gets the kids' hopes up more than seeing their parents having a good time together. Because, of course, they are thinking, "See, the divorce was a mistake, they love each other, they will get back together." When that doesn't happen, it can cause a lot of trauma. I saw it with my own nephew. And, for the record, I do believe that my ex brother-in-law DID want my sister back.
Being on good enough terms to co-parent is one thing, hanging out like they are still a family, is quite another.
You would be surprised, my daughter and her ex do things together at the holidays so that my grand baby doesn’t have to split it between 2 houses, her dad will come over to my daughters house and spend the day the with my daughter her husband and the child. At Christmas he slept on the sofa the first year, the par years in the guest room so the child will have one room to wake up in. It’s different. My son in law even helped my daughter ex husband with his car because that’s his step daughter dad and he wants her happy, my daughter, her husband and ex put the child’s wellbeing ahead of everything.
And then the comment in response: This is so beautiful, brings tears to my eyes.
Honestly, what I'm getting out of this is that people arent really okay with divorce and remarriage still, but culturally we've been told to accept it. So the new partners are getting scapegoated as the problem. Because these situations are basically still married but living separately and allowed to sleep with other people.
Your last paragraph speaks volumes. I do think divorce is considered more-so okay now. But, remarriage? Nope. If you think about or look at it more closely, what I am starting to see is that society expects the new GF or new spouse to give up or pay a bigger part of her relationship with bio-dad than the divorced parents themselves. They get to get divorced and still act married. Meanwhile, SM is supposed to sit off to the side and kowtow to BM all the way.
If communication is so awesome between him and the ex... Why not get the kid for an hour and take her for ice cream or something?? Oh yeah... Because he still wants to play first fmaily and wonders why the BF isn't okay with it... Nowhere in there does it say the GF has said ANYTHING against the SD... Just that she doens't think he should be communicating too much or hanging with his ex...
THere's a difference between putting a kid first and putting the "first family" first. GAG.
If it were truly about putting the kids first, find a way to make the marriage work. If the communication is so great and you get along soooo well, make the marriage work. If you want to give the kids the pretense that you are still a family, make the marriage work and be a family.
I get the, "Hey, let's show our kids that we can still be civil, blah, blah, blah," but going to dinner together, hanging out at each others' homes, doing holidays together? Just no. Not if you are going to bring someone else into the mix. I also don't think it teaches the kids about moving on in a healthy way.
Everybody who is saying he should dump the GF is right. He should dump her, for HER sake. He should then stay single, for the sake of ALL women.
If it were truly about putting the kids first, find a way to make the marriage work. If the communication is so great and you get along soooo well, make the marriage work.
Often people get divorced too quickly due to the No Fault divorce laws then expect everything will still be the same. I went through the parent divorce class and it was almost comical how amicable you are supposed to be for the sake of the kids. I don't think exH and I were that friendly while we were married!
People get married too quickly then get divorced too fast. It's a ridiculous system and there should be some brakes put at the beginning and the end. Mandatory pre marital counseling since all divorces have to go through the state system that we taxpayers are funding. Mandatory marriage counseling before divorcing. There are so many things that can be fixed rather than just tossing an entire relationship and starting over hoping things will be different. It's hard to create change when you don't realize YOU may be the problem, and now you're dragging kids an ex wife and unresolved emotional baggage into a new relationship.
BM is on her 6th marriage. She and DH should have never married, they did not love each other. I just don't get how easily and quickly some people get married. "Hey, we have nothing else to do today, let's get married."
That was my DH with BM, he married a practical stranger. Gee, I wonder why they didn’t work out.
Post divorce counselling should be mandatory when kids are involved so innocent people aren’t dragged into & blamed for a mess they had no part in creating.
When I think of the absolute shitstorm I put up with at the beginning of our relationship, before I found my spine, I get angry. Like, livid. Mostly at myself for putting up with it.
I agree...I think a LOT of divorces happen too quickly and for honestly, petty reasons. "I'm not in love and don't feel butterflies anymore for the last 3 weeks".
Mandatory counseling can help BUT on the other side of the coin-what happens in abusive situations? Then you're forcing continued dangerous contact....that's why it won't work. That said, I honestly even on this page am aghast at the reasons people choose to divorce over...Marriage is completely of no value anymore.
In my county there is court ordered mediation if children are involved in a divorce. It is waived if there is domestic abuse involved. My idea is that the counseling would be waived if there were abuse involved as well. For now pre/post marital counseling is just an idea but I would like to see something like this in the future.
Yeah.. I read this and I'm thinking.. dude.. it's not an all or nothing situation. Now, he may have just thrown that out there as an example.. and in reality the GF does have more basic issues with his child. But, I don't agree that parents who are divorced need to hang out with each other "for the sake of the child". Certainly NOT for an "at home" birthday dinner.. or family dinner out.
I could see both parents attending some functions where the other one will be that may be closer to "event" parties.. sweet 16, wedding, graduations.. but not for "kid turns 6 and we are having cake"
Dad can and should have his own separate celebration with his daughter on his own time.. or if mom allows it.. to take her for a few hours on her day to do something fun.
I mean, that is one of the benefits of being a stepkid.. double parties.. lol right?
The letter also doesn't address other issues.. like how is his EX acting towards his GF? Is GF welcome to join him when he goes to his EX's house for parties? No one likes to be excluded from their SO's life.
I love the advice "your GF will worsen your relationship with your ex" they are divorced... Doesn't that mean the relationship is already crap? I really don't understand the idea that ex's are expected to suddenly get along better after divorce. They got divorced for a reason and now the advice is to prioritize the relationship with the kid's mom rather than the new one?
It's not so much that it's always the new partner's fault, it's that the first BM is the holy golden uterus and must be honored forever.
I think we have to allow for the possibility that the guy and his EX are not high conflict and that it's possible that his GF ... IS high conflict and therefore she could ratchet up drama... but I don't agree that the guy should be going over to play happy family and leaving the GF out in the cold.
Yes.. It's clear the advice columnist just thinks that whatever else fails.. kids first.
So.. she is assuming that Mr Reasonable is doing "nothing wrong" by spending time with his kids with his EX.
Sure... things aren't black and white.. GF might be jealous and cause drama.. but so could the BM.. SHE could be teeing up situations that keep her EX from having a fulfilling relationship.
And.. ole BF/BD is maybe a bit too enmeshed with his EXwife and child.
I would not be comfortable if my DH wanted to hang out with his EX.. lol.
and she should be kind to DH's plus one at the activity .....if DH and BM got along great.
But she wont. and she wont be kind. and when BM gets a plus one, the hipocracy comes out! DH will be kind,and make an effort to include BM's plus one to kid events. Because mom's deserve to love who they love, and Dads don't get to make their own choice of love interest.
In my former step situation, my formerSO was the one that was not accomodating to BM's plus one, but she was always decent to me. BM was villafied because she no longer wanted to be married to my formerSO; was she "innocent and perfect"? Why no. But as time was gained in my relationship, I definately saw why she wanted a divorce (clearly, because I left him too).
Newly divorced! They haven't had time to develop the jealously, parenting conflicts the inevitable drama. As we know, this is on the horizon. The only way I would be cool with my SO going to a birthday dinner with BM is if I were invited too. In fact, we agreed to do just that for SD21 birthday last year because she just wanted the family together. BM is the one who backed out, not us. Those comments! I bet most were from SDs who wish there first families were still together and never experienced the reality of that crap.
oh man! When DH and I were moving out of our rental home, a couple and a kid (about 5 yo maybe?) came by to see the house. Turns out they were recently divorced, she was looking for a smaller place to rent, but with room so that her ex (the man who was there) could 'visit' them during his time. WTF? I was so shocked I couldn't say anything but "Uh-huh....well, here's the extra bedroom..." LOL. The guy spend like maybe two minutes in the house then went outside and wandered around the rest of the time, like WAY WAY far away wandered. I think he wanted nothing to do with it but she was GUBM and calling the shots. It was so wierd! DH was like, there's no way that's ever going to work.
I read as much as I could before throwing my hands up in exasperation, but it seemed there was a Rags that posted (not sure if the Rags from here) and also a lady called Sarah who was copping a LOT of abuse about her opinion! She sounded like a SM who was having/previously had a rough time. I surely hope that she finds this site if she needs a place to vent!
Armchair/spectator therapy or adivce is not to be taken seriously.
This is a joke.
Presumably, this "child" will graduate from high school, and maybe college, then get married. If this man marries this woman, is she to be kept out of sight for all of these future events too?
WOW, This is the worst advice I have EVER heard. The girlfriend is NOT the issue, the father being so enmeshed with his ex-wife is the problem. When you divorce and move on ( in ANY other relationship not just with this particular girlfriend) you need to untie yourself from the relationship with the ex. Start New Traditions. In my home if that particular day is one parents parenting day, then celebrate on another day, what kid doesn't want two parties? This man will never be capable of a relationship outside of that with his ex-wife because they cannot get out of each others business.
I would say the "red flag" should be seen by the girlfriend and she should run! Wrong on so many levels! If he wanted to keep his cozy family in tact then he should have stayed married!!!! Horrible to drag someone else into that mess!!!
I'm really annoyed I put a comment on there and it's been deleted. There wouldn't have been any reason for breaking any policies, maybe except the length.... haha. so maybe it was a glitch. But yeah, I'm with you guys. I'm not ok with such simple advice for a very complicated situation that has a spectrum. There was no suggestion to have a talk with GF and hear her out about why she feels that way. No suggestion of compromise. She didn't even suggest inviting the GF.
I also said it isn't psychologically damaging for a kid to have separate holidays/special occasions with each parent. It's completely possible to raise a healthy, happy kid without being in constant contact with an ex.
Link?
Link?
If parents are so concerned
If parents are so concerned with playing happy family, for the kids' sake, why can they not just stay together, ya know, for the kids' sake? Why divorce, and then bring innocent people into their dysfunction and expect them to just deal with it?
And, it is confusing for the kids. Nothing gets the kids' hopes up more than seeing their parents having a good time together. Because, of course, they are thinking, "See, the divorce was a mistake, they love each other, they will get back together." When that doesn't happen, it can cause a lot of trauma. I saw it with my own nephew. And, for the record, I do believe that my ex brother-in-law DID want my sister back.
Being on good enough terms to co-parent is one thing, hanging out like they are still a family, is quite another.
This is the worst one:
This is the worst one:
You would be surprised, my daughter and her ex do things together at the holidays so that my grand baby doesn’t have to split it between 2 houses, her dad will come over to my daughters house and spend the day the with my daughter her husband and the child. At Christmas he slept on the sofa the first year, the par years in the guest room so the child will have one room to wake up in. It’s different. My son in law even helped my daughter ex husband with his car because that’s his step daughter dad and he wants her happy, my daughter, her husband and ex put the child’s wellbeing ahead of everything.
And then the comment in response: This is so beautiful, brings tears to my eyes.
Honestly, what I'm getting out of this is that people arent really okay with divorce and remarriage still, but culturally we've been told to accept it. So the new partners are getting scapegoated as the problem. Because these situations are basically still married but living separately and allowed to sleep with other people.
Your last paragraph speaks
Your last paragraph speaks volumes. I do think divorce is considered more-so okay now. But, remarriage? Nope. If you think about or look at it more closely, what I am starting to see is that society expects the new GF or new spouse to give up or pay a bigger part of her relationship with bio-dad than the divorced parents themselves. They get to get divorced and still act married. Meanwhile, SM is supposed to sit off to the side and kowtow to BM all the way.
Very true - I mean divorced
Very true - I mean divorced but dedicating your life to your kids and never moving on is also looked at as being like some noble act.
If communication is so
If communication is so awesome between him and the ex... Why not get the kid for an hour and take her for ice cream or something?? Oh yeah... Because he still wants to play first fmaily and wonders why the BF isn't okay with it... Nowhere in there does it say the GF has said ANYTHING against the SD... Just that she doens't think he should be communicating too much or hanging with his ex...
THere's a difference between putting a kid first and putting the "first family" first. GAG.
If it were truly about
If it were truly about putting the kids first, find a way to make the marriage work. If the communication is so great and you get along soooo well, make the marriage work. If you want to give the kids the pretense that you are still a family, make the marriage work and be a family.
I get the, "Hey, let's show our kids that we can still be civil, blah, blah, blah," but going to dinner together, hanging out at each others' homes, doing holidays together? Just no. Not if you are going to bring someone else into the mix. I also don't think it teaches the kids about moving on in a healthy way.
Everybody who is saying he should dump the GF is right. He should dump her, for HER sake. He should then stay single, for the sake of ALL women.
If it were truly about
Often people get divorced too quickly due to the No Fault divorce laws then expect everything will still be the same. I went through the parent divorce class and it was almost comical how amicable you are supposed to be for the sake of the kids. I don't think exH and I were that friendly while we were married!
People get married too quickly then get divorced too fast. It's a ridiculous system and there should be some brakes put at the beginning and the end. Mandatory pre marital counseling since all divorces have to go through the state system that we taxpayers are funding. Mandatory marriage counseling before divorcing. There are so many things that can be fixed rather than just tossing an entire relationship and starting over hoping things will be different. It's hard to create change when you don't realize YOU may be the problem, and now you're dragging kids an ex wife and unresolved emotional baggage into a new relationship.
I agree. It's like it's not
I agree. It's like it's not taken seriously.
BM is on her 6th marriage. She and DH should have never married, they did not love each other. I just don't get how easily and quickly some people get married. "Hey, we have nothing else to do today, let's get married."
That was my DH with BM, he
That was my DH with BM, he married a practical stranger. Gee, I wonder why they didn’t work out.
Post divorce counselling should be mandatory when kids are involved so innocent people aren’t dragged into & blamed for a mess they had no part in creating.
When I think of the absolute shitstorm I put up with at the beginning of our relationship, before I found my spine, I get angry. Like, livid. Mostly at myself for putting up with it.
I agree...I think a LOT of
I agree...I think a LOT of divorces happen too quickly and for honestly, petty reasons. "I'm not in love and don't feel butterflies anymore for the last 3 weeks".
Mandatory counseling can help BUT on the other side of the coin-what happens in abusive situations? Then you're forcing continued dangerous contact....that's why it won't work. That said, I honestly even on this page am aghast at the reasons people choose to divorce over...Marriage is completely of no value anymore.
In my county there is court
In my county there is court ordered mediation if children are involved in a divorce. It is waived if there is domestic abuse involved. My idea is that the counseling would be waived if there were abuse involved as well. For now pre/post marital counseling is just an idea but I would like to see something like this in the future.
PREACH HereIamAm!!!
PREACH HereIamAm!!!
The kids come first mentality
The kids come first mentality is what's killing most of these marriages to begin with.
Yeah.. I read this and I'm
Yeah.. I read this and I'm thinking.. dude.. it's not an all or nothing situation. Now, he may have just thrown that out there as an example.. and in reality the GF does have more basic issues with his child. But, I don't agree that parents who are divorced need to hang out with each other "for the sake of the child". Certainly NOT for an "at home" birthday dinner.. or family dinner out.
I could see both parents attending some functions where the other one will be that may be closer to "event" parties.. sweet 16, wedding, graduations.. but not for "kid turns 6 and we are having cake"
Dad can and should have his own separate celebration with his daughter on his own time.. or if mom allows it.. to take her for a few hours on her day to do something fun.
I mean, that is one of the benefits of being a stepkid.. double parties.. lol right?
The letter also doesn't address other issues.. like how is his EX acting towards his GF? Is GF welcome to join him when he goes to his EX's house for parties? No one likes to be excluded from their SO's life.
Yep, the blanket "it's the
Yep, the blanket "it's the new SOs fault" is sickening.
I love the advice "your GF
I love the advice "your GF will worsen your relationship with your ex" they are divorced... Doesn't that mean the relationship is already crap? I really don't understand the idea that ex's are expected to suddenly get along better after divorce. They got divorced for a reason and now the advice is to prioritize the relationship with the kid's mom rather than the new one?
It's not so much that it's always the new partner's fault, it's that the first BM is the holy golden uterus and must be honored forever.
I think we have to allow for
I think we have to allow for the possibility that the guy and his EX are not high conflict and that it's possible that his GF ... IS high conflict and therefore she could ratchet up drama... but I don't agree that the guy should be going over to play happy family and leaving the GF out in the cold.
There is so little
There is so little information in the question that it's like a horoscope and people just see what they want.
100%
100%
Yes.. It's clear the advice
Yes.. It's clear the advice columnist just thinks that whatever else fails.. kids first.
So.. she is assuming that Mr Reasonable is doing "nothing wrong" by spending time with his kids with his EX.
Sure... things aren't black and white.. GF might be jealous and cause drama.. but so could the BM.. SHE could be teeing up situations that keep her EX from having a fulfilling relationship.
And.. ole BF/BD is maybe a bit too enmeshed with his EXwife and child.
I would not be comfortable if my DH wanted to hang out with his EX.. lol.
yes but,
yes but,
If DH and BM get along great,
Well then BM should invite DH and his plus one.
and she should be kind to DH's plus one at the activity .....if DH and BM got along great.
But she wont. and she wont be kind. and when BM gets a plus one, the hipocracy comes out! DH will be kind,and make an effort to include BM's plus one to kid events. Because mom's deserve to love who they love, and Dads don't get to make their own choice of love interest.
In my former step situation,
In my former step situation, my formerSO was the one that was not accomodating to BM's plus one, but she was always decent to me. BM was villafied because she no longer wanted to be married to my formerSO; was she "innocent and perfect"? Why no. But as time was gained in my relationship, I definately saw why she wanted a divorce (clearly, because I left him too).
So, it is not always BM bad BD the only sane one.
It's in the title
Newly divorced! They haven't had time to develop the jealously, parenting conflicts the inevitable drama. As we know, this is on the horizon. The only way I would be cool with my SO going to a birthday dinner with BM is if I were invited too. In fact, we agreed to do just that for SD21 birthday last year because she just wanted the family together. BM is the one who backed out, not us. Those comments! I bet most were from SDs who wish there first families were still together and never experienced the reality of that crap.
Newly divorced men need to
Newly divorced men need to come with a warning label "I'm 100pct undateable"
oh man! When DH and I were
oh man! When DH and I were moving out of our rental home, a couple and a kid (about 5 yo maybe?) came by to see the house. Turns out they were recently divorced, she was looking for a smaller place to rent, but with room so that her ex (the man who was there) could 'visit' them during his time. WTF? I was so shocked I couldn't say anything but "Uh-huh....well, here's the extra bedroom..." LOL. The guy spend like maybe two minutes in the house then went outside and wandered around the rest of the time, like WAY WAY far away wandered. I think he wanted nothing to do with it but she was GUBM and calling the shots. It was so wierd! DH was like, there's no way that's ever going to work.
Has anyone here left a
Has anyone here left a comment on the column to counteract the crap?
I read as much as I could
I read as much as I could before throwing my hands up in exasperation, but it seemed there was a Rags that posted (not sure if the Rags from here) and also a lady called Sarah who was copping a LOT of abuse about her opinion! She sounded like a SM who was having/previously had a rough time. I surely hope that she finds this site if she needs a place to vent!
I tried but I never got the
I tried but I never got the email confirmation so I could actually post... So the crap continues...
ETA: Honestly was in the mood to stir a little s***....
Another XW entwined kid worshipping daddy.
GF needs to run.
Those comments are maddening.
Those comments are maddening...wow I could spit nails.
It's ridiculous. People who've never experienced this should be
banned from advising or commenting.
Armchair/spectator therapy or adivce is not to be taken seriously.
This is a joke.
Presumably, this "child" will graduate from high school, and maybe college, then get married. If this man marries this woman, is she to be kept out of sight for all of these future events too?
What idiotic advice.
Comments like that come from
Comments like that come from people who have never lived it.
Read it...and
Read it...and
WOW,
This is the worst advice I have EVER heard. The girlfriend is NOT the issue, the father being so enmeshed with his ex-wife is the problem. When you divorce and move on ( in ANY other relationship not just with this particular girlfriend) you need to untie yourself from the relationship with the ex. Start New Traditions. In my home if that particular day is one parents parenting day, then celebrate on another day, what kid doesn't want two parties? This man will never be capable of a relationship outside of that with his ex-wife because they cannot get out of each others business.
Once upon a time, DH played
Once upon a time, DH played the Happy Family game with BM. This was before we were married, of course.
All the holidays and birthdays were spent together. They even still engaged in photos with one another.
He came to his senses and cut that crap out shortly after we began dating, thankfully.
It’s worth noting that skid had a very emotional, hard time adjusting to the happy family facade fizzling out. She was confused as heck.
I would say
I would say the "red flag" should be seen by the girlfriend and she should run! Wrong on so many levels! If he wanted to keep his cozy family in tact then he should have stayed married!!!! Horrible to drag someone else into that mess!!!
Agreed. Red flag indeed, but
Agreed. Red flag indeed, but not for the GF. This kind of situation never ends well...
I'm really annoyed I put a
I'm really annoyed I put a comment on there and it's been deleted. There wouldn't have been any reason for breaking any policies, maybe except the length.... haha. so maybe it was a glitch. But yeah, I'm with you guys. I'm not ok with such simple advice for a very complicated situation that has a spectrum. There was no suggestion to have a talk with GF and hear her out about why she feels that way. No suggestion of compromise. She didn't even suggest inviting the GF.
I also said it isn't psychologically damaging for a kid to have separate holidays/special occasions with each parent. It's completely possible to raise a healthy, happy kid without being in constant contact with an ex.