Just worn down....
So Thanksgiving....for the family I come from, a time to get together, share food, chores, thanks, relaxation and catching up with family members. For the family I have, drama and dread....which sounds dramatic, of course. This is long, sorry in advance.
Some background: In 1997 I met a wonderful woman, after surviving seven years with on-again/off-again relationship with a "fiancé" who used my credit card bring in a teenage replacement for me via Greyhound ticket. Anyway, after dating for three years, my wife and I married. She had three children (8yr son, 7 yr son, and 18m daughter), with some no so great choices, but had been doings things "right" for almost two on her own (her house, job, her car, day care for three) after bio-dad/EX of 18m daughter threw her out while pregnant (whole volume of backstory there, for later). I have no bio children, and ovarian cancer made the decision for my wife and I in our marriage. Bio dads of the boys had nothing to do with them, and while bio of daughter was involved every other weekend, and paid $300/month CS, after another marriage and child, he changed orientation, so that was not smooth either.
Oldest SS is 29, estranged except to MIL, on third marriage, and only recently allowed ex-DIL (his 2nd marriage) to let my wife see the grandkids. He blames me for all of his problems, even though I was a DOD contractor in Afghanistan the last time my wife threw him out. 2nd SS is 28, and has been all sorts of diagnoses until Borderline Personality Disorder with Schizoaffective Disorder was settled on, and lived with us until last July, when he began yelling at his mother at the dinner table, then attacked me, and tossed his mother like a rag doll....he's 6'5", and at the time 280lbs. His first attack was months earlier, and was a sucker punch from behind. After being hospitalized for self-inflicted injuries after this attack, he was not allowed home, but we worked to find him a special apartment where he could live off his disability. My co-workers only last year, after the visible effects of my 2nd SS's attack, learned my children were step-children.
SDaughter got married to her high school sweetheart in March, after a few years apart while he was in the Army. He did his 4 years, came home, got a job and apartment, looked up his former girlfriend, and took her to dinner. They dated for 8 months, and decided to marry. This summer, when their apartment rent jumped, and my daughter could not find a decent job after getting injured at work a few months earlier, they tried to rent a place (without adult opinion), and lost the deposit and first month rent. With their lease ending, only his good job, some minor car repairs, they needed a soft landing to restart. A family discussion was had, arrangements were made with a rent amount agreed upon, and they moved into a spare room in August. Multiple discussions were had about short-term and long-term plans, SIL even has decent emergency fund that SD was not fully aware of.
My wife and I celebrated an anniversary last week, with quiet trip to the coast that turned into exciting and happy drama (for me) as we dealt with a classic Nor’easter that left us cut off in a little fishing village, in a sturdy raised house, with plenty to eat, and zero worries if the power was out. We were in a capable vehicle, so water to the headlights was no worry either. I enjoyed the relative peace and quiet, once the wind dropped below 60 MPH.
Since we have been back from our anniversary last week, I did notice my SD and SIL spending way more time in their room with the door closed than usual. I say something to my wife last night, and find out my SD is pregnant. My wife was not expecting me to be thrilled with the announcement, but all I can think about is the new round of disruption. I work hard, pay taxes, and did all I could to provide for my family, went to work over-seas to keep the house after losing the corporate job on 2008, and have always worked and found a pay to pay for what was needed. I made sure my insurance was covering everyone, etc. We only got a few months of peace inside the house before my SD and SIL moved in, and we all agreed it was short term. 2nd son calls regularly and usually has some drama to “poke” about to stir things up.
I’m tired…..am I wrong to be bothered that my step children seem to always do exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time? I knew somewhat of the responsibility I was taking on, but geeze.....
Wow, your skids (the boys at
Wow, your skids (the boys at least) are quite the mess! What happened there?
As for SD - I think if she's old enough to be married and a parent, she's old enough to be out on her own. Can I guess that your wife is a softie when it comes to her kids?
Long story, here's a piece of
Long story, here's a piece of it. We made hard choices over the years, 2nd SS was in a residential camp for a year and a half at one point, her decision. Like I said, she was the one who declared to oldest to leave the house. And she told 2nd SS after he attacked me (2nd time), "we told you what would happen if this happened again, you can't stay with us". She has made some hard choices, which is why even though the grandkids (from oldest) are less than 8 miles away, we have only seen them 4 times this year (oldest made excluding us part of divorce paperwork, apparently).
I have read other posts on this forum, and I know it can be worse, that's been my mantra for 20 years. SD and SIL were planning to be here 6-8 months, with her using a degree in Horticulture to get a career going. She got injured at a part-time job, got run through the workers comp mess, got a small amount of $ that paid off her tin-can "new" car bio Dad convinced her to get, and has not been able to keep a job more than two months since she's been living with us. She was always a hard worker before injury, and struggled to work/full time school, but did it.
Yes, my SD is the best of the bunch, i have been very proud of her several times, but these last 2-3 months whole attitude change, and now this.
6-8mos is 6-8mos. Pregnant
6-8mos is 6-8mos. Pregnant or not, they have 3-5mos left under your roof.
SD's career woes are in large part a factor of her choice of field of study. So many people study useless majors (useless in the job market) then lament that the evil corporate world won't hire them. Let SD and SIL figure it out in their own. The learning curve is much faster than if you and DW keep providing soft landings.
Time to focus on life for you and DW and enjoy the empty nester years.
I think your feelings are
I think your feelings are reasonable and normal. You've subsidized your wife's kids for twenty years, made personal sacrifices and dealt with abuse, all with the expectation that her kids would launch and you and your wife would be able to enjoy each other in your empty nest.
I think it's a good time for you both to sit down with a marriage counselor and negotiate how things will be going forward. You matter; your feelings, hopes, and plans for the future have value; and I think it's important for your wife to understand that you are tired and worn down by her baggage. (I also think that as a cancer survivor, your wife should recognize the importance of having a peaceful, stress free home), Limits, boundaries, and goals need to be discussed and agreed upon, including getting the married adults out of your home. An unbiased third party will be able to keep the conversation moving and prevent emotions from derailing negotiations.
Figure out want you want, what you don't, what you're willing to compromise on, and how much. You've earned the right to have peace in you home; now you have to be willing to draw a hard boundary to get it.
I need to clarify, I have
I need to clarify further, i think. Or maybe this is more backstory. I have always addressed my children, after we got married, as son, or daughter, and introduced them as such. Before the marriage, when I was coming over often, the kids asked about calling me Dad, and we strung together "Daddy (my first name)", once married, this only continued when my SD was trying to make sure to related who said what, or who was doing what. We went to marriage counseling after the event with 2nd SS, we were doing family therapy before (he was avoiding really participating, even though he was in the room), they offered to continue, so we did. Then, because SS was not coming to therapy after a month, the price per visit tripled, and with his disability check going to pay for his boarding/apartment/food/etc, we were basically lost the equivalent of a week of my income, so the visits had to stop. We did great for bit, started working on the outside and inside of our house and farm, and we both started enjoying cooking together, and the possible peace in our home. It's a great feeling not having to lock yourself in the bedroom, to give yourself time to prep for the possibly un-medicated large person who tosses furniture like legos.
I recall now that my wife mentioned as I was coping with the news, that my daughter said that "at least now, we'll have a grandchild we can see"....I know that in time, I'll be fine, I've always focused on my responsibilities and got them done.
Since she told her bio dad first, I'm guessing she already knew I would be ....concerned about her (and her husband's) lack of planning/forethought/consideration. My wife had already spoke to our daughter many times about precautions, we were hoping for grandchildren in the near future, once they got their own place, and got to see more of the world (USA, more of the state, actually leave TOWN) but there was always some excuse...her attitude towards any medical services turned oppositional since the works comp event around her still damaged ankle, because....reasons?
My wife wants peace too, it was funny how little the nor'easter wind, storm surge, ocean overwash, loss of power, etc bothered us compared to previous vacation attempts where one or more of the children had a major event. In fact, unless you count that the that the pregnancy was confirmed while we were on our trip (my own guess, have not gotten specifics), our children have derailed every relaxation attempt.