I don't want our son to be like the stepchildren
As our son is growing up I can see a dangerous trait in myself. The background is there're so many behaviors of the stepchildren that I hate so much and now when our son starts just a tiny bit to go in that direction it drives me crazy I get so much angry. The bad thing is I might put it too much on my son, since I stay out of parenting/disciplining the stepchildren, whenever they misbehave (to my standards) I just think to myself, I won't never let my own child behave like that. So here I go with my own son, I blow the house when he doesn't eat well at the table/whines when he wants something/gets physical like slamming doors when he's upset/you name it. I'm afraid it does more harm than good and sometimes I'm even afraid of my own anger, it looks like I blow all the accumulated anger I have towards the stepchildren onto my poor son.
- tigerstepmama's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Get into counseling and learn
Get into counseling and learn coping mechanisms for managing your anger.
Your son shares 50% of his biology with the SKs. They are his siblings. The unfavorable behaviors he displays may be a product of your DH's biology and/or parenting, or it's a product of your own biology or parenting (especially if you have anger issues). It's not the SKs' fault that your son behaves as he does. You and DH brought him into the world with the SKs, and now you need to address the issues without blaming them for it.
LD--are you aware that 1/2
LD--are you aware that 1/2 siblings share approx 25percent dna.
With each other, yes. But
With each other, yes. But they are each 50% their dad. If the SKs and DS are behaving similarly, it may be how DH parents or how DH is temperment-wise.
When people post these kinds of blogs, the underlying message I see is "BM raised these kids to be feral and I don't want that for my kids", completely ignoring their DH's or own parenting/biology.
This isn't the SKs' fault.
That's not how it works. They
That's not how it works. They are each 50% their dad, yes. But half of those genes received from dad will be different from the genes the half sibling received from dad. So the other half is kind of irrelevant as far as likeness is concerned. Half siblings are actually second degree relatives genetically- same as a grandparent or aunt/uncle. And some people are very similar to an aunt or uncle but most arent. And I mean, even full siblings can have nothing in common. And then factoring in that with half siblings alot of the time they have completely different primary caregivers, and life circumstances - especially if there is a large age gap.
Anecdotally, I see way more similarities between my 2 children with the same dad than with my oldest who has a different dad, even with his dad being absent. And SD has even less in common with them. Also, DH has a half sister that was raised by her dad and its REALLY obvious that she was raised in a less dysfunctional household than the other 2 siblings.
Point is, the chances of half siblings with the same dad being super similar is possible, but it's actually kind of unlikely when you factor everything in.
Thank you for this. It's so
Thank you for this. It's so irritating when people pull out the "but they're siblinggggs" card, ignoring the fact that they do not share one parent (usually the mother, who is usually, but not always, the bigger influence in a child's life, unless there's abandonment, addiction, abuse involved) and that they have major influence from another household who may or may not be resentful towards the other household. Second degree relatives can be a bonus, but they are not vital to one's upbringing, and if they are toxic or a bad influence (like some skids), their half-siblings have a right to be shielded from that as much as possible. I have aunts/uncles that I adore and others that I wouldn't care to see/speak to at all.
Even full siblings or moms
Even full siblings or moms/dads can be toxic. I hate the "but their family card." Like, l get where it came from because humans are tribal and you need the tribe to survive so it's pretty deeply ingrained, but in some circumstances that can backfire.
I've read some stories of what it was like for siblings of narcissists growing up and it can be pretty bad.
Yes, agreed. No one should be
Yes, agreed. No one should be exposed to a toxic relative. But there's this sense out there of overcompensating regarding half-siblings and acting like they are full, when that is impossible given the natural inequalities of the circumstances.
I believe skid behaviour can truly influence the behaviour of
Their halfsiblings. I mean we learn from our peers and surroundings so if you have feral skids who are abusive and disrespectful, other kids living in the home see this behaviour constantly and will take on those traits easily.
yes its the parents job to nip it in the butt but as we see here many struggle to nip it quickly. So half siblings can truly influence half sibling behaviour, heck there have been some skids and half siblings here that actively tried to turn their half or stepsiblings from their bio parents out of spite... skids don’t get a free pass necessarily
Oh yes, this is true. My ODS
Oh yes, this is true. My ODS had picked up some of SDs behaviors at times and I wasnt very happy about it. And they're not even biologically related. Same as hanging out with a bad crowd at school or whatever. It was much easier to end those behaviors with him though because it wasnt as ingrained/inborn with him as with her though.
I agree and am aware that
I agree and am aware that this is no stepchildre 's fault and I didn't intend to put it on them either. I also agree that there're things I don't agree with/angry with my husband in parenting/disciplining the children in general, ours or his. The difference is what he does with his - I don't mix in. But what he does with ours, that matters to me. Only that it's not two separate families with separate husband, you're right, it's the same father.
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel.
I've realized that I treat skids "better" than my own DDs, simply because I don't parent/correct/ get on the skids, but I will my DDs
There are so many things that I see in the skids that I am trying to stop DDs from becoming, it's frustrating. 3
One thing that has come to light tho is that I think DH used to think I was too harsh on the skids because I wasn't being fair, now I think he can finally see I'm harsh on all kids, I'm just kind of a hard ass parent in general.
Thank you for understanding
Thank you for understanding how it feels. I choose to stay out from disciplining the stepchildren and it had only worked before our son arrived. with my son growing am beginning to realize now that you can never really "disengage" completely
I would keep your kid away
I would keep your kid away from his half-siblings if you don't like their behavior (and cannot/will not discipline them when necessary) and get some help for your anger. Since your kid doesn't spend much time with skids, his behavior may just be developmentally appropriate, in which case you should learn about proper parenting strategies to deal with it. Forget about the skids - different mom, different upbringing, different country/culture.
Totally agree with TOG about
Totally agree with TOG about going to see a therpist to help YOU with your angry behavior. A few sessions should do it.
You cant set the tone of what right looks like in your home, when you are part of the problem.
GoodLuck
.
Thanks everyone. I agree and
Thanks everyone. I agree and am aware that theres something to do my anger management. I was trying to go to the route of it. There's some age appropriate stuff my son does that also drives me nut, but I notice very clearly, if it's the SAME behavior that I really can't stand from the stepchildren, it's like pulling the trigger. One example is, one SD whines to get attention. She puts on a drama, then opens an eye and see if someone is coming to her, you know what I mean. I have to be honest here and say she still does it must be because it works, meaning everytime BM or BD come to her and cuddle and ask what's going on and make her feel important. I can't stand the whining to get attention so when it my son does it I didn't come to him until he stops and tells me properly what he wants, hope that he'll learn to stop it. But I think I get extra angry because that's something the SD does that I can't do/say anthing about it.
That can be very frustrating
That can be very frustrating with kids in general. My DDs do that a lot (DD4 and DD2), I think it's very age appropriate.
Just know that even though your son may be acting in a similar way to SD, it's because that's just what kids do, not necessarily because he's "becoming" SD. He may act similarly because of general kid behavior, but how you react and respond is what's going to mold and teach him into what is acceptable, and what get's him what he wants in the end.
You wrote: But I think I get
You wrote: But I think I get extra angry because that's something the SD does that I can't do/say anything about it.
Yeah sometimes you can say something. "use your words SD"..IF she continues.wahh wahhh wahhh,,,get down to her eye level, (don't scare her with ugly faces) ... drop your voice and use your "teacher voice" and say "SD I want to help you, you must use your words, OKEYYYYY.
With the word ok..Make it sound like a song, tone swings UP on word OK.
Listen, I get it, it is not your job to raise, correct or punish someone elses child. BUT there are times when you need to chime in.
You will know when that time is right. Then give her a big hug and say THANK YOU..good job SD using your words!!!!!
She will feel great and you will feel great too. Little things like that work wonders.
I can understand this. One of
I can understand this. One of my kids is a toddler, and in alot of ways SD still acts like a toddler. So when I see my kid acting in ways that are developmentally appropriate for him but SD still does now at 8 it makes me nervous and I tend to get overly worried about it.
Just remember that kids go through stages and usually things are temporary. And actually bad behavior can be an important part of development, it just depends on if its age appropriate and to a normal degree. For instance, lying is actually a developmental milestone that shows kids are developing theory of mind. But if it goes unchecked it obviously leads to issues. Doing some reading or talking to the kids' doctor or another professional about what is normal or not for your kids' age might help.
Yes I know that many
Yes I know that many behaviors of my son are developmentally appropriate and there's a phase and it shall pass and so on. Yet I also see sometimes they make me more crazy than other times. Might it be I was more tired, less patient one day than the other. But if it's the same kind of behavior that I hate from the stepchildren, I get extra angry. Now I think I'm repeating myself. I think there're many underlying reasons for that. I was angry with the stepchildren and tried to hide and stay out, now it gets vent out to my son. I was angry with my husband how he handled those behaviors with the SKs, now I make him understand. I felt left out and unimportant not to have a say when SKs do something inappropriate, now it's my son and I'm in the power position. Maybe also deep down I feel insecure how to raise my son not to become "a brat" and now feel helpless with myself...
And many more...