Feeling resentful again

I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I saw on FB my youngest SS posted a meme about how his mother deserves "the world" for Christmas but all he can afford to buy her is a pair of socks. A few days ago, he shared a song called "Mom is Dad," I guess about a single mom who has to be both. I don't know if my DH saw these things, but I find them incredibly offensive. Youngest SS, now 24, has NEVER bought DH ANY gift for Christmas. Yet tonight, I finished wrapping 7-8 gifts EACH for SS24, his wife, plus SS25 and his wife. (WE have another dozen gifts for the 2 SGDs, plus DH plans to give SSs cash.) We also paid SSs $100 each for gas and tolls to come see us the day after Thanksgiving. While there, oldest SS25's wife asked me about vacation (a dreaded subject, as you can see from my previous posts.) SS24's wife bolted across the room to where we were and said, "I want to be sure when this is so I can ask off of work." We just gave SS24 and his wife $1,000 for a wedding gift, and bought SS24 an $800 laptop to take online classes.

I feel so incredibly used and disrespected. They're more than happy to take our money, let us buy them gifts and pay for their vacation, yet in reality, we're less than dirt on their feet. If "Mom is Dad," why is suck@ss dad still spending thousands a year on adult kids? DH is still obviously trying to buy their love. I recall oldest SS25 growing up was like a rabid dog on Christmas morning opening his gifts. He'd tear through them in minutes, pout when he learned there were no more and then ask every 2 minutes when it was time to leave to go back to BM's. My DH is still buying for SS25 like he was 5. It's exhausting.

This has just got me in the WORST mood at Christmastime. I guess I'll try to focus on my DH and my DSs.

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I thought you were going to

I thought you were going to stop helping DH buy their love?

I admit I don't know HOW to

I admit I don't know HOW to do that. Part of me wants so much to believe we are and can be a family. I even sent out a Christmas card (for the first time in YEARS) of a group photo we took the day after Thanksgiving with both SSs, their wives, SGDs, our 2 DSs, DH and me, like we're one big, happy family. Then I see comments like that on FB and feel foolish, realizing we're really nothing to them. If my decision was to say the heck with it, I'm cutting them off, that would actually be easier. I don't know how to have a semblance of a relationship and not be part of this?

Can you and DH find a good

Can you and DH find a good therapist to work with on this issue? It does seem that both of you want the illusion to continue. You are buying them 7-8 gifts a piece, taking them on vacations, sending "Happy Family" Christmas cards and meanwhile, they are just using you both.

Parental Alienation continues through adulthood for some people. In others, the late twenties are a time of awakening. But as long as you and DH are willing to to be ATM machine cruise director doormats, nothing really will change for them. Your SS24 WANTED to hurt DH by posting that on his Facebook. He intended it as a slight to him - and yet your DH bends over and asks for more abuse from his kids.

I do know how hard it is when kids are alienated, and the terrible fear of losing them. And I believe you have said that your DH won't change anything because he'd rather have the illusion of a relationship than none at all. So you have to figure out what your role in all of that will be (or won't be).

So very interesting you both

So very interesting you both said this!!! I was just thinking this morning I wish I had someone like a therapist or maybe a "life coach" help me figure out HOW to do this. I just don't know how to stop taking them on vacation or having elaborate birthday parties for the SGDs after I've done it all these years. What do I say when they ask when are these things taking place that doesn't cause a fracture in the relationship? These things started because we wanted to make them love us and want to spend time with us after years of alienation. I feel trapped by the precedent we've set.

So very interesting you both

I certainly hope your husband

I certainly hope your husband is as enthusiastic about your children's Christmas presents (and yours too!). Does he spend as much time, care and money?

Yes, my DH purchased the

Yes, my DH purchased the gifts for all 4 of our boys. Our youngest is getting way too much and has the most spent on him. He and I buy each other nice gifts, although we buy what we want during the year, so that's not that big of a deal. My issue is it seems to me we're being used for the gifts. My DH does not see it that way. He is simply buying for adult SSs like he has all their lives, and now also for their wives and the SGDs in the same manner.

What a whiny, passive

What a whiny, passive aggressive child. Giving him gifts after seeing that would make my stomach turn.

That's how I feel. Very

That's how I feel. Very foolish. Thank you for confirming it's not just me. I guess part of me wonders if this man-child could possibly not realize how awful this looks towards his dad? It seems impossible to me that it wouldn't occur to him how that might hurt DH's feelings. I do understand that both SSs suffered SEVERE PAS from BM for years, but they are adults now.

I know how you feel. When the

I know how you feel. When the two youngest sds were with us they would ask me to help them wrap lots of gifts for their mother as she deserved so much. They didn't get their father anything.

Now he doesn't get them anything . Works for me.

WOW! it's so twisted how some

WOW! it's so twisted how some of these Sks think, isn't it? Your DH is braver than my DH. He'd never ungift them for fear they would cut him out of their lives completely.

On Father's Day, my SD posted

On Father's Day, my SD posted on FB that she had the greatest dad in the world.... and it was her mom.

Okay, then!

She has never given her dad a gift, ever, and she is 28 years old.

I don't buy gifts for her and, actually, DH doesn't anymore, either. We would certainly never take her on vacation, but my DH is not the type to buy someone's love.

Oh my gosh! How rude and

Oh my gosh! How rude and disrespectful!! Both of my SSs have posted on FB on Mother's Day what an awesome mother BM is and neither have EVER posted anything about DH on Father's Day. It seriously makes you want to save your $ and let BM buy them all the gifts, since she's the only one that matters! Good for you and your DH for having the courage not to. I don't see us ever getting there.

I thought you were going to stop spending money on them?

I thought you were going to stop spending money on them? At the very least, quit paying for their transportation costs! Last time you went to the gas station and paid for their gas - this time you paid for their gas and tolls. That is completely over the top and frankly a little odd. (And this is coming from someone who had very generous parents.)

These are adults who are more than capable of supporting themselves. As long as you continue to try to buy their love, they are going to be more than happy to accept your gifts and money, and just as happy to continue to disprespect both you and DH. You don't seem to have changed your spending habits at all when it comes to them. I thought you were going to try and cut back some?

Well, DH messaged SS24 about

Well, DH messaged SS24 about coming the day after Thanksgiving. (A good start that he made his own plans.) He did not hear back, so a day or so before, I offered to send a message to SS24's wife. (Yes, I should have stayed out of it, but I just wanted DH to have both SSs there so much.) Then SS24 finally responded to DH the same time his DW responded to me that they'd like to come but were short on money for gas and tolls. (I have no doubt that's true, since they work part-time minimum wage jobs.) Soooo, we told them we'd pay. We definitely could have ignored the messages or said we were sorry, but that would have meant them not coming. Then we decided to give SS25 the same amount, since they had the same expense, and they also do not have much extra money. So that's how that all happpened. I know that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting the same results, but I guess for DH's sake and for the sake of my own heart, I keep hoping it will be different. As for gifts, I agree we should have cut back. DH is the one who bought most everything. I shake my head as he continues to buy the number of gifts he did when SSs were little. I thought when you became an adult and were married there was less because "adults" don't need their parents to buy them all that, but I'm sure DH doesn't want them to feel slighted in any way. I wonder if when we're retired and in the nursing home, he'll still be buying nearly a hundred gifts for the immediate family like we do now and asking the nurses aides to help wrap them.lol.

OP, I think you've started

OP, I think you've started the process of seeing things as they actually are. Step Two could be getting some counseling for yourself (and perhaps with your DH as well), if only to help negotiate a way for you to step back from the enabling. Yes, I'm referring to you assisting in propping up a delusion and continuing to abase yourself as enabling.

My life got much better when I decided to stop participating in the group delusion my H's family of origin had going. I can look back now and admit that DH's kids and siblings must have laughed themselves silly and enjoyed gossiping about what a doormat I was. I thought I was helping, but what I was actually doing was helping to prop up a very unhealthy facade at my own emotional and financial expense.

Change can't/won't happen until the rose colored glasses come off. Even then, there's no guarantee that your DH will ever be able to forge a healthy and respectful relationship with his adult sons, but that's his journey, not yours. Learning to live a real, mindful, and authentic life containing mutual relationships would be a worthwhile focus for you.

I think a gradual disengagement should be your goal, regardless of what your DH decides to do. You should not be wrapping presents for people who don't care about you and are willing to use you. They are not your people, and never will be.

I appreciate this, and I

I appreciate this, and I agree with it 100%.

Also, OP- try not to compare

Also, OP- try not to compare what they do for BM with what they do for DH. Their relationship with BM isn't healthy either, it's based on years of brainwashing and them meeting HER emotional needs. Those Facebook posts are not generated by a sincere wish to tell the world how much they love their mother, it's done from a knowledge that if they don't do something like that, there will be hell to pay. Most alienated kids (who have, after all, been emotionally abused) tend to have a conflictual relationship with the alienating parent as they get older. And the delusion of "Mom wonderful/Dad Awful" doesn't always hold up to critical thinking as they age and their brains fully mature.

Glad to hear the 25-year-old gives gifts to DH, that's positive. And it is good that the 24-year-old is starting to come around (I think DH's refusal to buy him the computer unless he spoke to him was part of that, as well as his marriage might have helped).

DH doesn't have to announce that the gravy train is over until he gets a Father's day post - but he can slowly begin cutting back and expecting more in return.

Really good points! Thank you

Really good points! Thank you so much for taking time to help me think this through. I appreciate it more than you know!!

OP, your post kept running

OP, your post kept running through my mind today. I have a question:

What do you think would happen if you told your DH that you want to disengage from the SSs?

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Feeling resentful again

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