This is a communication issue not a question of selfishness. Sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and decide who is feeding which child and when or split up which days of the week each of you is cooking dinner. If the plans need to change because of x,y,z one week/day then you two need to communicate directly with each other. Your husband needs to be more proactive and talk directly to you rather than assuming you will be cooking and your sd needs to stand up for herself and state to one of you what is going on and tell someone what the other adult told her.

I don't have bio kids and my husband loves to cook and we talk to each other so we do not have any issues about who cooks. When my step daughter lived with us I would generally cook on monday-thursday nights, we would get take out on friday night and my husband would cook all the meals at the weekend (usually 2 a day) so we would each cook about 4 meals a week. We did not set out to split this equally, it just worked out that way due to our schedules. Now sd does not live with us during the school year and my husband works from home so he cooks most of the time. If my husband did more of the other housework or liked my food more or liked cooking less then we would probably split this up more evenly.

You are definitely NOT selfish here 

Reverse the situation to your DH . If your kid ( not the shared one) was hungry and DH was in the middle of doing something would he have to drop what he was doing to make them food? Would you expect him to?

If the answer is no then he's being a total hypocrite. Yes this is a slightly petty thing in the scheme of stepkid living but does he do this with other kid tasks ? ( Hygiene, homework etc)

It is not your responsibility . If you decide to help him every now and again that's great but that's YOUR choice. Not his, not stepkid. 

This seems to be a fallback comment whenever the evil SM does or says something that even slightly discomfits daddeee.

I think we should develop a catalog of quick and deadly responses to this accusation. How about

--So you're a mind reader now? (This has the virtue of putting him on the defensive and he will drive himself insane trying to break down and impugn malign intent to your every eyebrow twitch. Let him do that crap for a change.)

--That's because he/she is unlikeable.

--My favorite: Not your concern how I feel. Stop trying to manage my emotions.

And no, I don't lift a finger to cook or do anything else for SS26. He only gets to enjoy my largesse if my bios are around, too.

So, let me get this straight.  He gets pissed at you when you get home from work late (10PM+/-) and you have not cooked or otherwise fed the children?

This guy is a mental numb nut and you need to give him clarity that ist is his job to cook and feed everyone if you are working that late including having YOUR dinner on the table fresh, hot and ready for you to enjoy when you get home.

He is a DipShit.

I would inform him that in response to his idiocy on this topic that you will do no cooking, shopping or cleaning up for the foreseable future and  his status as a resident of your home rather as an NCP paying a crap ton of CS on your joint child is entirely dependent on him manning up and doing as he should until YOU decide it has been long enough to demonstrate that he has clarity.

Do not tolerate this POS non-man or any of  his idiocy.

IMHO of course.

smh

He leaves it for you because he simply doesn't want to do it but cooking is not the exclusive domain of those with vaginas. Even if you guys have negotiated chores between yourselves and you have chosen to do the cooking, things still happen - working late, going out etc and the partner either cooks or someone grabs takeout, it's normal. I mean, if you went away for the weekend, would he not feed the kids? If you had a car accident on the way home, would he be annoyed because you didn't cook his kids dinner? Anyhoo, suggest sending a text next time so he can either cook or grab takeout - his choice.

There are two separate issues here: first, your DH not feeding his child, and second, you two not communicating about household expectations.

Your DH should have fed his child. Period. Doesn't matter if it's usually you that does it, he needed to feed her.

BUT, if he cleans and pays most of the bills, I can understand why he is frustrated that he is doing yet another thing in the house. I understand it's his job to take care of his kid, but it's not his job to pay most of the bills or clean most of the house.

What you have is an unfair distribution of household responsibilities. Cleaning and paying bills have to happen whether your kids are there or not. It's constant. But it seems your contribution to the house is dependent on when the kids are there, and you haven't communicated that when they aren't there that you're "off duty".

I'm assuming your DH would like to be "off duty" sometimes, too. His kid is his responsibility, so to give him some of a break, you need to pick up more of the household weight. Rearrange chores, renegotiate the split of househols funds. Create a "yours, mine, and ours" schedule.

There is no excuse for him not ensuring his child has been fed, but my guess is that his reaction was in response to feeling like he is doing more than his fair share and he expressed that poorly - and at the expense of his child. Time to stop wondering who is right and who is wrong and come up with a solution that NONE of the kids - his or yours - suffer. It's unfair to them that you two haven't communicated your feelings and have allowed your frustrations to spill over into caring for them.

Usually my DH is the one who gets home before me. He’s the one who starts dinner. If I get home first, I start dinner. If he doesn’t feel like cooking...he makes sure the kids at least have pizza or a sandwich and soup or something quick.

Your DH expecting you to have such clear cut roles when families don’t often work well that way these days with two income households is being ridiculous to wait for you to come home at 8 pm and cook for them all. Have some ready made meals or TV dinner type stuff if it makes that hard for him to fully Dad. 

A 6yo can slap some PB&J on two pieces of bread and pour herself a glass of milk.

I still am stuck on the "father" that lets kids in his home starve until his wife gets home from work at 10pm to feed the kids.

Asshole.  That pretty much covers this piece of trash of a non man.

Have done majority of the cleaning and cooking is my domain. Hubby helps out if i am pregnant or busy with he kids but from start to end he’s not a good cook.

that said when dinner is cooked, you help yourself, I don’t make announcements etc because you can see dinner is cooked and plates are out. This is my policy because ss expected me to knock on his door repeatedly and mumble crap when dinner was ready and i’m not his bitch maid

 the issue here is the stepmum got home after 8pm, hubby was home several hours and decided to do nothing but twiddle his thumbs and let 6yr old sd run around and entertain herself. Thats not being a parent or even a babysitter, its parentsl neglect. At even 4yrs of age he should have been able to have a daughter who knows she is hungry and actually grab a snack (biscuits bread or something) and ask dad or stepmum if this is ok to eat?

in my home you are free to help yourself which means don’t eat like a pig. So if there are 5 frozen bags of sliced bread in the freezer and a full loaf defrosted or ready to eat, help yourself to a few slices, I ain’t gonna chew your butt off, slap on some jam or peanut butter because there is heeps. 

But in this case the dad just got shitty at his wife and blamed her and saw no fault in himself. And certain posters here are blaming the stepmum.

op, the silent treatment and not communicating to your husband that you got home late and he didn’t cook anything or start anything will never sit well with men of his type. You are expected from work to message him or call him and say i will be home really late so you need to prep dinner for your kid or order takeaway... yup its somehow your job to do this becaue he has 1/4 of a brain and hardly any common sense.

heck even on those crazy nights with university exams and assignments i will order in takeaway.. sadly proactiveness, common sense and taking initiative is lacking in many grown arse adults. We still need to baby them even as 40-50 yr olds!!

Doesnt matter who kid she is someone should of fed her. Why has there have to be a fight? Why is taking till 9 oclock at night. Before anyone realises the kid hasnt been fed??? Dont any of you talk to each other. The poor kid there starving you two are playing ask your Stepmum ask your dad. She like all I want is some food. In my step family whoever home first sorts out dinner. If it be cooking take away or whatever. Doesnt matter who kid it is she gets fed. Because she a kid and cant do it herself. Because we are the adults and it our job to make sure she doesnt go to bed hungry. Because of petty crap. If no one felt like cooking fine but I'm sure out of the two of you someone could of slapped up some cheese on toast 2 min noodles called a pizza or something. And avoided this whole thing. 

No you're not being selfish and your H needs to learn how to cook. Regardless if you arrive home late or not he needs to get up off his lazy @ss and feed his kids. 

You need to shut this trend he seems to think is going on NOW. 

As for gender roles....

Our marriage has been a hybrid traditional marriage with periodic shifts as events unfold.

Initially DW was a SAHM for the first 3 years of our marriage until SS started Kindergarten.  Which is full time in Texas.  She was in night school working on her Undergrad and I was Grad School working on an onlne program.

I worked FT and was the sole bread winner.  

When SS started Kindergarten DW was all excited. She was going to work out, do things with the neighborhood lady's group and decorate our house and update our landscaping.

She lasted two weeks, was bored stiff and got a job.  It was transparent to SS. She would walk him to the bus stop on the corner 100ft from our front door and be standing their when he got home.  Her job was less than a 15min drive from our home. She worked in the business office at a new car dealership group that had three different dealerships.

She did most of the home related work and cooking except on her school nights when I would cood dinner for SS and I.

As our career progressed things shifted accordingly.  Eventually we landed on the work time our time model. Work time was from when we both left for work in the AM until we both arrived home in the PM. Once we were both home it was our time to deal with housework and parenting.

When we moved overseas after SS launched for my career we modified the work time model though she did the majorith of the house stuff though we had 3 day per week housekeeping including linens and laundary.

When we moved back to the US we have re-adopted the work time model.  For 10mos I have been on a job search so I have been doing most of the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and common laundry.  We each do our own personal laundry items that do not go for drycleaning/pressing/starching.

DW does get a bit frustrated with the division of labor in the home, even when I am the one doing most of it.  Her standards are different than mine.   But, I try to do things as she would, at least some things, and she tries not to be overly picky.

Once I go back to work and resume the lead income role I am sure we will renegotiate the house and yard work though I am firmly commited to the outsource model for as much of it as possible.

No, you are not wrong.  Your DH is an asshole and an idiot all wrapped up in a single toxic failed father/husband/man package.