New to site
Hi everyone, I'm new to this site and have been enjoying reading the struggles of step parents like myself.
my situation may be unique. I met my current husband when I was 40 and he was 51. I brought to the marriage 2 young children from my previous marriage, who I shared joint custody with the ex, and he has 2 adults kids, now 34 and 41.
I don't really have a relationship with my DHs son. Met him once in 9 years but it was a nice visit. He initially made it clear he didn't want to have a relationship so I've let him dictate how much he wants to hang with me.
His daughter was more accepting of our marriage.over the past few years, however, she's never really acknowledged my husband's immediate family that being me and my kids. I don't expect her to buy my kids or me gifts but I think it would be courteous to buy a "family" gift for example during Xmas. Instead, she only buys my husband Xmas gifts. My husbands sister and mom have always been inclusive. They will send movie gift cards or food, something we can all share as a family.
The step daughter recently met a man (not married) and had a new baby. The BF also brought two teenage kids to the relationship. My husband has always Bent over backward toward her bf and his kids. He gets them Xmas presents, birthday gifts, sends cards etc. I would find it rude and hurtful if we only bought gifts for her and ignored the others. Husband loves his new grandson so travels out to see him about once every 6 weeks. I stay behind due to my job and needing to hold down the house and watch my now teen kids.
lately, I've started to feel a tad resentful albeit with guilt. First, like many posted here, I'm only in my late 40s and don't want to be a grandmother. I'm just not into it. I wish I had more affinity for a new baby but I'm rather blah about it-hat's my guilt issue. I think my lack of interest makes her dislike me even mire. Second, why am I even bugged about the holidays and her lack of acknowledgment. Not sure why I even care but it still bugs me.
Welcome to the site!
For your own mental health, I would try and let go about the resentment over gifts. It is what it is, and not worth getting your blood pressure up, over it. I stopped getting gifts some years ago for my SDs, because they never got anything for me, or remembered my birthday - it's now a relief not to have to bother.
To be honest, I can understand your SD being resentful that you take zero interest in her baby. You certainly don't have to have an "affinity" for newborns, or visit every time with DH, but an occasional visit or acknowledgement, would at least keep things civil.
Thanks. I do acknowledge the
Thanks. I do acknowledge the grandchild and visit but not as often as my husband. I'm not 100% heartless. Like many posts I've seen on this site, I don't have an affinity for serving in a "grandmother-type role", esp. when my children are still in high school.
grandchild (or not)
Maybe it's just me, but to me there is a vast difference between a child your read kids have, and a child a stepkid has. In particular an adult stepkid you don't even know well. I've got 2 adult stepkids (I barely know them though 1 I like a lot), 1 college age stepkid, 2 college age real kids, 1 high school real kid, and 1 high school stepkid. The oldest stepkids are both probably close to getting married. I cannot say that their weddings would be super meaningful to me let alone any offspring they would have. In short, I would have a really hard time thinking of any s-grandkids some day the say way as real grandkids. So I don't blame you for not being all fired up over some random baby.
It's for sure complicated and
It's for sure complicated and probably driven mostly by my guilt. As a blended family, what's important to my DH should be important to me.
IMHO in a blended family what
IMHO in a blended family what is important to one partner should at least be considered by the other. However, matching importance may not be in the cards. Nor should it be if the other SO does not think it is as important.
It is a work it out kinda thing IMHO but that does not mean what is important to one is going to be important to both SOs.
I relish your situation. Skid
I relish your situation. Skid you don't have a relationship with never comes around. Sounds great to me.
the alternative is having someone who you don't like and who doesn't like you in your home, your sanctuary. Kids in your home feeling that exchange. I don't find it healthy and there's no "getting through" or changing a skid. People don't change, specially when their parents aren't heavily investing energy to influence a positive change.