DH Proposed solution for problem stated in last post. Opinions yay or nay??
So DH is going to tell SD12 the next time older step sister18 hits her or comes after her to either call 911 or run over the neighbors house screaming for help. DO NOT call him first. DH will then tell SD12 the police will then call him to come get her. This way DH WILL NOT be the first one on the scene so BM can't twist things and get DH in trouble again or worse get him thrown in jail for kidnapping. Now this maybe better than just driving over there like a lunatic with police in tow to go grab SD12 like he was going to do when she called him sceaming/crying BUT I still think this could backfire on DH. WHY??
Number one reason is SD12 is a drama queen. Say the two girls get into a sibling argument and SD12 turns into drama queen runs out of the house screaming for help and calls the police hysterical. The police show up thinking she is getting killed and after questioning both girls find out SD12 started the fight and older step sister just "pushed" SD12 and not hit her like SD12 originally said. Then they could ask SD12 WHY she thought to call the police over something so minor. This is where DH could get caught. DH12 is notorious for throwing people under the bus including her own dad to take the pressue off of her. So my question is could anything come of it if they find out DH put her up to running out of the house sceaming and calling the police on her older step sister?
Yes, what Petronella said,
Yes, what Petronella said, what happens at BM's house is not DH's business. DH needs to say, "Sorry to hear you are upset, let your mother know. Bye, love you!"
How would he feel if BM told her to call 911 whenever she got upset at your house?
My SS, when he was around 12, got yelled at by DH for lying. He went into his room and texted BM, "Get me out of here!", so she flew over to rescue him. She tried to force her way into the house and DH pushed her out and slammed the door. The police came because BM said she was "assaulted". Fortunately, they told her SHE was in the wrong for trying to get into the house.
Don't cause that kind of drama. Just stay out of stuff at BM's house. DH needs to stop trying to "rescue her" - it's also parental alienation, because it's telling SD he thinks BM is an incompetent parent. Even if she is, he shouldn't be telling her that in word or action.
I would stay completely out
I would stay completely out of it.....you and DH. Nothing good comes from getting involved in things happening in someone elses home.
I agree that staying out of
I agree that staying out of it may be a viable option. If BM's home is not dangerous for SD.
SD's crying wolf issues may be biting her in the butt with the violent StepSister-18. SD is not trustworthy and she may be doomed to suffer abuse by her StepSister due to her own lack of credibility.
Not an easy position for DH to have to be in and potentially a worse situation for the untrustworthy SD.
I don't think there's
I don't think there's anything wrong with reminding SD12 that the police are there to protect her and if she ever thinks she is in danger she should call 911. That's something parents tell their children. But I would not specifically tell her to call 911 over fights with her big sister. Why is she calling her father over something that's happening at her mother's house? Why doesn't she call BM?
According to SD12 she is TELLING BM BUT BM is siding
with older step sister18 and "not" protecting her. As much as I HATE BM I'm calling BS on this. My whole take on this?? SD12 is STARTING the "fight" with older step sister18 then when step sister gets the upper hand SD12 goes running to BM and BM sides with older stepsister18. Then SD12 calls DH hysterical more pissed than fear I think wanting him to come rescue her. Thats my take on the whole thing. The reason I feel this way? After this happened the next day when SD12 was calmed down DH wanted her to tell him what happened and SD12 response was she did not want to talk about it anymore and started to get PISSED at DH for pushing the issue. Hmmm.....
I think you've hit the nail
I think you've hit the nail on the head. Most moms don't side with the bigger, older kid, or let adult kids beat up minor kids, for no reason.
Well that's a dangerous game
Well that's a dangerous game SD12 and her adult stepsister are playing. I hope your DH has explained to SD how a few seconds screaming abuse could result in her stepsister being put in jail, unable to find a job...etc.
I'm more worried SD12 will pull this crap again when I'm NOT
around to talk DH out of racing over there and rescuing SD12. Trust me when I say BM would LOVE to get DH thrown in jail for "kidnapping" SD12. The fact SD12 ALWAYS calms down by the next day if not within a hour or two and then acts like it was no big deal to DH. Like I said SD12 did this once before where DH did call the police and they went over to talk to SD12 and she told them everything was good with BM and step sister. BIG WTF! Made DH out to look like a liar and trouble maker.I wanted it hit the Brat for causing such a ordeal then act like it was no big deal!
Can your DH think about how
Can your DH think about how he would feel if SD12 called BM and said she was in danger in YOUR home and BM ran over and rescued her?
If he feels his daughter's step-sibling is genuinely abusing her, and BM is allowing it, then the appropriate "rescue" would be to call CPS. Otherwise, he's just playing a game of "Who does SD love the best - me or BM".
I want to preface this by
I want to preface this by saying that I do not think it is OK for an 18 yo to be hitting her 12 yo sister.
HOWEVER, does anyone really think that SD12 is in mortal danger here? It sounds like there is a pretty good chance that half the dust up could be that SD is manufacturing some of this. She could be antagonizing the older girl. She may be stealing or "borrowing" her things. She could be acting like the total pest younger daughter and the hit could have been a "push" to get her out of her room or something similar.
My parents didn't generally take sides in my brother's and my dustups.. which may have even included a slap or such (though not when we were teens..or older). Basically, we were told to either work it out.. or we could both get punished. Usually that brought us to our senses.. but sometimes we both did get time-outs for our lack of good behavior.
I know that DH has problems with his EX.. HOWEVER.. this is a case where he needs to suck it up and contact his EX to ask what the H*LL is going on.
It could be as simple as a text.
DH: BM, I got a call from YSD who claims that SD18 has hit her and locked her out of the house. Are you home? Do you know what is going on?
BM: Oh.. SD borrowed and ruined SD18's shirt. Took it without permission and they got in a fight about it. I will take care of this.
or
BM: I don't know.. I'm at the store gettting groceries...
DH: Well, you better get home and figure this out. I don't want to have to get involved in what happens at your home.
I mean.. He may not WANT to call BM.. but it's her home.. he needs to find out if she is there.. get the adult perspective.. and if she isn't there.. she should know this is happening.
She may well tell DH that SD12 is just making something out of nothing.
Agree on all accounts...
SD12 is a known liar who refuses to take responsibility for anything. She is quick to run and tattle if someone does something to her BUT will leave out half the story. Just recently she ran to the principle saying another girl pushed her in the hall. Well SD12 DID NOT know there was a security camera that caught SD12 pushing the other girl first. Of course SD12 left that part out.
With this last fight with Step sister18 BM took away SD12 phone for a week so obviously SD12 was NOT this innocent victim she portrayed. BM would NOT just take away SD12 phone if she did not cause some issue. Maybe it was just the fact SD12 was screaming/crying outside calling DH or maybe SD12 did something first to stepsister to make her grab her phone.
BM was home as we could here her yelling at SD12 to come back in the house. I don't think DH will call or even text BM to find out what happened. They don't communicate well. Bm knew SD12 was on the phone with DH so If I was BM I would have called/text/email something explaining what happened BUT she never did. If nothing else just to cover my ass. SD12 has a therapy appt in two weeks and I'm sure BM will bring it up then as she always does so maybe thats why nether DH or BM reached out after this.
I know that your DH probably
I know that your DH probably has a visceral reaction to hearing his daughter crying and upset. HOWEVER... on a day to day basis, he DOES trust his EX to raise his daughter and have her in her home correct?
So.. if he knows that her BM is on the scene.. does he "really" believe that she is going to allow the older child to literally kill the younger one without stepping in or calling the police herself if necessary?
I realize it's tough to do from a distance... but he needs to insist that SD go to her mother when she is in her home. You and he would NOT want BM interferring in something.. your discipline.. or whatever in your own home. She deserves the same. I am assuming she is generally not a person who you both believe is a danger to her own daughter in any serious sense.
Your DH's message to SD has to be. "I'm sorry you are upset but this is your mom's custody time and you will need to have her help you." I mean.. if she is calling.. she has access to a phone. If you hear BM.. she is trying to deal with her youger daughter's situation... I mean, if you had true concerns that YSD was being abused.. coming to your home with obvious injuries.. that's one thing.. but having a meltdown doesn't mean daddy needs to run over there.
Not good
Siblings argue and fight whether bio or step. Usually the youngest comes off worst . Not great I know but that is for the BM to deal with. By DH getting involved he is learning her manipulation of people. Obviously if something absolutely serious happened of course get involved . The only way SD will learn is to be kind herself . You don't know what she is doing to her older SS as you only hear one side. I would keep out of it or not answer phone as chances are they will make friends if your DH doesn't ride in like a knight . To say to call police is ridiculous. That is bringing bad tension to you all .