Gone. When BM is active it is nothing but drama/messy.

Well, I used to think it was better to have one who is gone. But after reading what some of these custodial stepparents go through with these damaged and rotten stepkids, I'll take active. If your DH sets limits on BM, it doesn't have to be quite so much drama. 

Active 100%

Then I'm not expected to be "Dad", and I get time with my wife and children.

I think it depends on the type of BM you're dealing with. If she's high conflict, doesn't co-parent well, and doesn't respect boundaries.... I'd say I'd rather she be out the picture. If she was civil and H and BM were cordial, I'd say 100% active. I think it's a case by case scenerio, all pending on what kind of "crazy" you may or may not be dealing with.

I think a lot depends on genes.  I was once a nurture champion, now I totally believe nurture helps, but nature takes the prize in the end.  SD's BM has mental problems, DH's family has mental problems, and he has his own issues, especially when it comes to confronting his daughter's (and to a lesser extent BM's) bad behavior.  SD has problems, she has always been an odd duck, but the teen years have been hard on her, and everyone she is around. So, I think in either case not having a bio parent that is crazy would probably be the best scenario.  I do think that if one bio parent is damaging, having that parent removed from doing harm and giving nurture a shot would probably be second best.

If the opposition BioParent isn't a toxic POS, then having them alive and envolved is better IMHO.  Bettrer for the Skids.  That way as a SParent you aren't competing with a martyred angel of a BioParent that is a fantasy of what the Skid would want them to be IRL.

My SP situation was probably about as optimal as it gets. I have no BKs, my DW had only one child, we met when SS was a toddler and married the week before SS-27  turned 2yo and never lived nearer than about 1200 miles from the SpermIdiot and SpermClan during the 16+ years of Custody/Visitation/Support COs.

They have always cried poor mouth and are manipulative but SS only being exposed to them for a maximum of 7wks of visitation per year of long distance visitation which minimized their toxic influence over SS and our family.  There were several periods of a year or more where they refused visitation.

My DW was raised by her BM and her StepDad. Her biodad was killed before my MIL knew she was pregnant with my DW.  Even though DW knows the history of her biodad she still has periods of lamentation over that void in her life and fantasies of the biodad she has never known.  Her StepDad was her daddy. Though she was not his biologically, they had the closest relationship of all of my ILs kids.  DW has three younger sibs.  But she and her daddy had a far closer relationship than he had with any of his BKs.

But biodad looms in the either for her at some level.

So, better even a live disappointment than a deceased fantasy. The fantasy is much harder on SParents.

IMHO of course.

I've had both.

The first BM disappeared to follow her true love: Crack. My thenH was an abusive, alcoholic psycho.

The second BM (BioHo) is a HCGUBM, narcissistic, PAS/stepPAS-ing, alcoholic who has boinked more men than the active members of STalk (likely truer than we untrue). My DH was a Disney Dad for a short time, but is a damn good father and an excellent, supportive husband. 

I'd take the absent BM every single time.

I think a whole lot would depend upon both the caliber of your DH.. as well as the EXW/BM.

Other factors such as how old the kids were when BM disappeared.. why/how she isn't there.. how good your partner is in supporting YOU.. 

On the face of it.. I kind of think we would have been better off without my DH's EX around.  But.. there coudl have been a host of OTHER issues if he had full custody.. so....

Depends on the BM. I can only speak for my situation, but it would be better if BM just, you know, went away. She buzzes around like a mosquito, making her presence constantly known, sucking blood (child support), and serves no useful function (reliably keeping the kids) as far as i can see. 

I go back and forth.  BM here is active - 50/50 custody and she's an involved mother.  Kids don't seem to have a loyalty bind and they're decent kids who go back and forth easily.  BM-caused problems aren't frequent.  On the one hand, it's really nice only having them half the time.  On the other, it'd be nice to be able to go on vacation and make plans that included the kids whenever we wanted, without having to get permission from and switch time with BM.  And I would like to move to a different part of the country, which would only happen if BM wasn't in the picture.  So in our situation, it's a toss-up.  Some days I lean toward BM dropping off the face of the earth, other days I'm glad she has her kids half the time.

If BM/BD is around and active, you get a break. I guess it depends on the skids and the bio parent that is your partner. 

BM was active with SD until SD was out on her own.  I rearly saw BM.  But when I DID see BM she was a mean b*tch.  She told people I had broken up the marriage when in fact, I didn't live near or know DH when they divorced.  Crazy.

Active for sure

It comes down to your DH setting boundaries

My BM was active, still inlove with DH, and invited to many a small intimate family get together on DH's side that she had no business being at

My BM is used as a tool by my SIL and OSD to throw in my face any opportunity they can

And despite it all I still say active - and that's because where BM is concerned DH sets boundaries and makes it abundantly clear he is not interested in being around her other than what is acceptable where SD's and sgkids are concerned

DH & I have always been polite, upbeat, very cooperative and generally no issues where BM is concerned

I will take that over having no BM, espeically if skids are nasty and make it a point to make me feel like the worst thing in their life - who needs that fulltime! 

BM is not in the picture in my situation. She's a junkie and has been in and out of jail/MIA on and off for the duration of my relationship with DH. In the beginning, she was "trying to get clean" (aka hiding that she was still using and sponging off of various guys) and she would take the SDs to her mom's for the weekends or certain school breaks and leave them with her while she went and got high. To be honest, it was nice to have that break from them, even if they weren't spending quality time with their mom, but rather their grandparents. But with BM's even slight involvement came lots of drama. If I can be 100% real here, I wouldn't mind at all if BM took a hot dose and we didn't hear from her at all anymore. She does attempt to call occasionally, but only at the times we've specifically said the SDs aren't available (during the school day, etc) and she will leave a message saying for them to call her back but when they do, she doesn't answer or call back. 

I know it's only natural that the SDs would have issues due to their mother being a piece of crap, but their therapist is also becoming frustrated with them because she has mentioned that even though they SAY they are upset about their mom, what they are really showing is that they would rather live in squalor with their mom (long story short, when they were 5 and 11 they snuck out and met their mom while at their paternal grandparent's house and then decided to live with her from then on. Since there was no official parenting plan, the police couldn't do anything and they lived with their mom in a trap house for about 2 years) than have rules or structure. 

There is something very off about these kids and even their therapist has noticed. So I go back and forth because while I do want a break from them, that would mean having to deal with BM. However, if BM actually got clean, got a job, got a place, etc I would gladly put up with her for a few minutes at pick up and drop off if that meant that I could have some peace.

Definitely depends on the situation, but since I never wanted kids, I'm glad that BM was around, as difficult as she was. I just wish she hadn't turned my SD into such a hopeless, incompetent adult.

But I also love consistency. Its hard to go back and forth, and its hard to have a child thats not your bio constantly up your who haw 24/7.

But Ive also seen the destruction that Toxic Troll exerted on her spawn Feral Forger. And how it allows her to play both mother of the year and martyr of the year.

Active! As much drama as BM causes....neither skid 12 and 17 sleep at my home anymore....they come over half the time but sleep at her house because PAS.....I am so thankful.

there was a long spell when SD16 was mad at BM and slept here 70 percent of the time and it was very difficult for me.

ill take all the drama in the world if it means skids continue to live with BM and not me.

I've had both situations. Had an active, involved biomom with my first step experience, and a biomom who is completely gone, no contact, with my current situation. I prefer the completely gone option, although current biomom was physically abusive to skids, so it's actually healthier for them that she's gone.