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Forced to choose between Son and Husband

kaboyd's picture

Submitted by kaboyd on Tue, 01/28/2020 - 9:49am

I have been married for almost 6 years, second marriage for both me and my husband.  We have fought the majority of our marriage but a drinking problem of my husbands escalated the fights into full out verbal abuse.  Recently, my husband directed his 'drinking' anger at my 15 year old son.  He called him a 'baby ass' and then yelled hateful things from another room about how he was going to be nothing like his real dad.  He even yelled about him being on the B team in basketball and how he just needs to quit if he can't do better than that.  I did not want my son to become his new target, so I left the house.  We have been separated for about a month now.  My husband stopped drinking and is seeing a counselor.  My son is refusing to go back around him.  He said that I can choose to go back, but it would be without him.  He said he dosen't have to subject himself to his abuse and he doesn't understand why I don't believe that I deserve better in a relationship.  I think too much damage has been done over the years.  I don't want to get in the way of my husband becoming a healthier person, I do love him.  I can't imagine a life without my son.  I feel like I am in an impossible situation.

Comments

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Tue, 01/28/2020 - 9:51am

Ew what

Why is it even a choice? Your son is your son and your husband was abusing him... 

 

thinker's picture

Submitted by thinker on Tue, 01/28/2020 - 10:28am

Imagine the worst case scenario if you choose to go back to your husband, versus if you choose stay with you son - which one is worse?  As an outsider, the answer seems clear.  

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Tue, 01/28/2020 - 10:08am

Wow your son is very bright, hopefully he can help you see that you are co-dependant and enabling and help you find a counselor who deals with alcoholic abuse victims.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 01/28/2020 - 10:13am

By your own admission, you have been in a relationship filled with fighting and discord for 6 years.  You have forced your son to live in this unhappy environment for 6 years.. that is damaging to your son.  Now that the sights of your jerkwad of a husband have shifted towards your son.. you are torn about who deserves your allegience? 

To be crystal clear, his abusive tendencies may not be 100% alcohol related.. he may stop drinking and still have all that discord and discontent in his heart.  

In this situation, the only sane thing to do is to choose a home where your son is safe.. and your husband can't provide this.  

Your primary responsibility is to provide your son a safe home.. which you have been failing to do for 6 years.. it's time to make that a priority.  If you MUST see your husband.. I would be doing it away from your son.  I don't blame him for having no forgiveness left for a man who he has watched abuse his mother for years.

queensway's picture

Submitted by queensway on Tue, 01/28/2020 - 10:40am

You said that you and your husband fought the majority of this marriage. You said he has a drinking problem. You said he is verbally abusive to "YOU". What hold does this man have on you. He hasn't shown you any respect. None. How in the h3ll can you love that. And now this coward of a man is going after your son...wake up. Your son is smarter than the both of you. What he is telling you is what you should hear. Listen to your boy.

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Tue, 01/28/2020 - 10:55am

No one is forcing you to choose. You know in your heart of hearts what is best for you and your son. You have been in an abusive marriage with this man for 6 years and your son has witnessed and was subjected to it ALL. Why is this even a question? How is going back to your H even something worth considering? Please really think about that. Dig deep and ask yourself why......So he's been sober for a few months, that's still fairly short time for him to prove anything. You chose to be with this man, your son didn't. 

If it's really that much of a dilemna for you, than keep your son away from him. Don't live under the same roof and see him away from the home or have your son stay with family who can offer him a stable and healthy life. I have a 15 year old son and I can't imagine his safety and well being ever being something I'd have to choose.....It would be 1st and foremost, no questions asked, point blank...period.

Please seek some therapy and wishing you much healing. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 01/28/2020 - 11:43am

I have nothing to add, except that a month of sobriety is nothing - he should be sober (not just not drinking - but changing the way he thinks and behaves) for at least a year before you even consider returning to him. 

Simpleton21's picture

Submitted by Simpleton21 on Tue, 01/28/2020 - 2:08pm

I'm impressed with your son's maturity in this matter.  I actually feel for your son because you are questioning protecting him and his well being over an abusive alcoholic.  I feel like this should be a no brainer.  Your son needs you.  Your DH likely will not change.  I can't imagine ever picking someone like this over my child's well being.....

kaboyd's picture

Submitted by kaboyd on Wed, 01/29/2020 - 9:43am

I know that in this one area being discussed, I am being judged harshly as a mother.  My son is my world and I am a very involved parent.  I interact with this friends, I am at every single event he participates in, I push him academically and I am there for him to help him with anything.  We have a very strong relationship.  I believe that is why he has been comfortable enough to tell me how he feels about me in this area of my life.  Hid bio Dad is a social worker and is aware of the situation and has been very supportive.  

I honestly think I came on this site to gain support in my decision to stay away.  Everything I research online, tells me to put my husband first, but this is not a situation of an unruly teenager causing problems in a relationship.  

I have been accused by many people of going overboard to protect my son and be his world....since birth.  I want clarity that this is not what I am doing in this situation, that I am actually making the right decision for both of us.  

But.....even if it's right....doesn't make it less painful to see through. 

Onemorewickedwitch's picture

Submitted by Onemorewickedwitch on Tue, 01/28/2020 - 4:13pm

I was much younger than your son when my mom left my drunk ass dad. He went to rehab, convinced her to come back, that things would be different. I begged her not to move back with him (and he was my bio dad!) but she wanted to believe in him. Not even a year later, the violence escalated to the point he almost killed her. Regardless of all the things he did to us, she loved him but she stayed separated. She waited and waited for him to get better. In my case it's not a happy ending and he died from cirrhosis.
A month of sobriety is nothing. Your son needs to be your priority. Listen to your son, be his rock and focus on him. It took me years of counseling to get over all the things I heard and saw.