You Reap What You Sow
Same sh*t, different weekend.
BM is crying poor again. Well sweetie, this is what happens when you marry a man you've only known for a month and move into an apartment that's more than even I would pay for a place to live on dual income.
Oh, did I mention she's still not working? Yeah, there are literally two dozen warehouses within 20 minutes of where she lives that hire day-of at $14-16/hr.
But I'm sure her excuse is that she has too much to do for the boys. Here's a tip lady: THAT'S WHAT MY DH IS FOR. He isn't there to write you checks on top of CS when you can't afford your utilities. He's there to take days off work when the kids are sick, or take them to the doctor, or transport them to their various activities. But since you're the CP, YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM THESE THINGS! That's the burden you took on when you fought against him being an active dad all these years!
Don't go slamming your car door and being huffy with us because you're stressed out. Don't expect DH to pick up the financial slack for your BS. You wanna be MOTY, then f**king ACT LIKE IT.
Oh, and BTW, anyone want to take a guess as to where the p*ss-soaked tux jacket is? If you guessed "still in the same sealed plastic bag that it has been in since before Christmas" then you're correct! She said tonight that she'd borrow money from her mom (who's living with BM's brother and is living almost exclusively off Social Security) to get the tux jacket cleaned. DH had to point out it was already ruined and her silence on the subject was deafening.
Just...how. How can you be this stressed when you aren't working and your kids are fairly self-sufficient teenagers? Then again, this is what happens when you tell a 17 year old that he shouldn't get a job and license and only focus on school so you have to chauffeur him, and when you push off actually helping your 14 year old with school work when he was younger and then refused to let him actually fail so he moved on in spite of not being ready.
But hey, what do I know? I'm not a parent. Maybe this sh*t really is that hard. I just can't believe that it is. Or maybe it is when you burn every bridge and make poor decisions.
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I hear you. BM here has
I hear you. BM here has issues with skids because she coddles them & continuously fails to discipline them when they act up.
‘Oh you broke something because you were angry? Mummy will buy you a new one.’
‘Oh you lost something because you couldn’t care enough to keep track of it? Mummy will buy you a new one.’
’Oh you had a temper tantrum and pushed your friend/said something horrible/insert crap behaviour here? Mummy will make it all better’
Then she turns around and wonders why they have behaviour issues with her, and not with us.
It’s not that hard, you’re right. You don’t need to be a parent to spot dysfunction. Your BM makes her life difficult for herself so other people will swoop in to save her. I hope your DH is back to having boundaries with her as far as his wallet goes. Let her be poor, it’s her fault and her issue.
See my reply to tog about
See my reply to tog about boundaries. DH is on notice, like "I will divorce your arse for this s**t" notice. Which sucks, because if he *just wouldn't give her money* I'd have very few complaints about him.
These victim types never see
These victim types never see that they cause their own misery. It's always someone else's fault. Must be exhausting to feel so out of control of your own happiness.
I'm glad your DH is setting some boundaries (the tux coat).
DH is only setting boundaries
DH is only setting boundaries because he hid from me that he paid one of her utility bills before Christmas, and I only found out after looking at his bank statement looking for fraud (short aside: his CC number was stolen in the fall, and his new one had weird purchases, so I was checking his bank account to see if it got hit because the numver was originally stolen online). I haven't posted about it on here because I've been trying to figure out how I want to deal with it, and since it's not a new issue, I know what I need to do. I did end up leaving for part of a weekend, and I'm still mulling over how I want to handle it long-term.
So we'll see what happens with the tux coat. OSS needs it in a few weeks for a concert, so DH and I are going to have to talk this weekend about it. My preference is to sit OSS down and explain why he isn't getting a new one from us, or buying him one and in front of BM, take it back from him after his concert and explain to her why. Then make her drive to our house before every concert to pick it up.
My level of tolerance is at "I could divorce out of this mess". However, I have options up to that point, including divesting all of my money from DH which I'm hesitant to do because our financial set-up works 90% of the time.
Seriously, he HID from you
Seriously, he HID from you that he paid BM's utility bill??? That is such a breach of trust (not to mention boundaries). My DH would be hiding his sorry ass from me for his own health and protection if he did that. I'm incensed on your behalf. But your H otherwise seems like a reasonable person who tries to improve, so hopefully you'll work it out.
Oh, to say he looked like a
Oh, to say he looked like a wounded puppy at the end is an understatement. I was angry but calm, and that, combined with me leaving and BM not actually having the money to pay him back, knocked his senses back, at least for now.
ETA: The reason I have put up with it in the past with more or less just annoyance is because it was a "two steps forward, half step back" scenario. This was the first time he ACTUALLY effed up, and I'm still reeling from it internally. I've talked to a few folks about it in PM. I can get over the money part, but not the lying.
Can he make SS pay for it?
Can he make SS pay for it? Then if it gets ruined again, SS buys another new one. And if he doesn't pay for it, he doesn't get to be in his concert, or whatever. Ultimately, it's his fault it got ruined, and DH shouldn't rescue him either. If he has no money, he can do extra chores at minimum wage until he earns it.
That's DH's plan. We chatted
That's DH's plan. We chatted about it this morning. He's going to replace the jacket, but OSS has to pay it back in labor (he has no money) AND the jacket will remain at our house. That means OSS is going to have to remember to grab it before his concert or BM is going to have to drive to our place to pick it up. Basically, the jacket will be ours and on loan to OSS. When he graduates high school, it'll be his to do with as he pleases.
I don't think there is
I don't think there is anything that can be done, your DH has taught his sons that their mother is helpless and is incapable of taking care of herself. He has enabled her by continuing to pay for things to bail her out under the guise of it helps his kids.
In reality as the boys grow up and become adults the victim/enabling will shift to them and they will feel the need to pay for to protect they mother.
long term I see the boys growing to resent DH because he will stop paying for things for her and they will be left the pay for it and not understand why DH no longer helps their mom because she's a victim, and now they are financially burdened by her.
I'm sure I'm probably all wrong but it's another avenue to maybe consider.
Oh no, that exaxt scenario
Oh no, that exaxt scenario has played out in my head multiple times. The only sliver of hope I see is that OSS sees his mom for who she is and has called her on it. That doesn't mean he won't ever help her in the future, but I don't see him fully enabling her the way DH has done.
BUT, I could be wrong and you could be right, and DH will have to live with that. I've tried warning him, but that's on him.
These are the same typical bio mums with kids in fulltime
School who can’t possibly work because they need to care for their kids but then don’t do anything to care for them or nurture them.
then there are other mums with 2 toddlers, pregnant with baby #3 and in university to finish a degree or masters etc and sometimes also working part or fulltime... go figure whats messed out with this scenario that an absent mum who refuses to parent or nurture kids well and who doesn’t work vs the present actively parenting mum with several kids, studing at uni and has a job??
But the lazy arse mum sure will be the 1st to chuck a hissy fit when she sees the stepmum working hard to get a degree financially reaping the rewards of her studies
AMEN!