Well - I don't blame him for not wanting to give up a whole weekend with his kid, especially if he only has him every other weekend, or even an evening, if you and he can celebrate at another time.  But getting you the same thing he gets an 8-year-old boy is just silly.  There's no reason he can't plan a special night with you on a day his son isn't there and make you feel loved as his wife.

I'm not a big Valentine's Day fan, but if you are, he should do something more special for you.  And not be trying to make sure his son doesn't feel less "loved" than his partner - as you said, it's a different kind of love and the kid needs to learn that.  Not celebrating right on Valentine's day might be the compromise you have to make, but he has to make some too.

 I wouldn't have expected my DH to give up a weekend but I don't see why he couldn't have picked up SS a few hours later or even on the Saturday morning, on this occasion - I think Valentines Day is on Friday.   It really would have made me barf if my DH had given his kid the same card and/or present as he gave me - that is completely out of order.  I think it's a bit stupid when parents get their kids Valentines cards anyhow.  

If my DH ever gave me the same gift that he gave his kid, I would give it right back.

BM isn't DH's babysitter, so if it's his parenting time, he needs to figure out babysitting that isn't BM. Giving up time isn't an option, but hiring a babysitter.

But the issue isn't that. The issue is that your DH wants a wife when his son isn't around, but only wants his son when he is around. You're only important when he wants you to be important.

I call this "Doll on a Shelf" syndrome. I suffered it with my XH. Metaphorically, I was a doll that my XH would pull down from a shelf and play with when he wanted, but when he was done with me or had something else going on, he'd put me back on the shelf until he wanted to play with me again. He never figured out how to carry two toys at once, or change his play to include a doll. Instead of being an equal in his life, I was just one of many things/toys/possessions that he had access to, and he cared about me just as much as he did anything else. I wasn't special; I was just like his motorcycle, computer, PS3, etc.

The only chance you have is to show your husband your worth and not take this lying down. You're going to have to have some blow-out fights and make it painful for him. That may mean not being available when he wants you around, and making plans without consulting him, and really just giving him a taste of his own medicine. He'll either get it and start figuring out how to incorporate you into his life and not setting you aside just because his son is around, or you'll realize you're worth more than just being a doll.

My kids went out to visit their dad this past weekend- we did our Valentine's day Saturday. It doesn't matter the day, it is really just an excuse to get dressed up and go on a date (and wear new lingerie!). Celebrate next weekend. 

As for getting the same gift as your SS, that is what would piss me off. I don't care about gifts at all, I am more about experiences than things- however, if I was given the same thing as a kid - I would hand it back and say that I am not your child and I will not be treated as his equal. No thank you, you can return mine. I don't need a gift this year. 

12 is old enough to stay home for a couple hours alone.....

that being said....DH has skids for V-day....I expect NOTHING and will be shocked if he would even leave the house. My guess is that he will spend V-day driving SD17s boyfriend so that they can have a nice Valentines Day.

Or a babysitter.... bio kids have to occasionally have trusted babysitters so why not step kids?

Also, It doesn’t do children any harm in the long run to realise different relationships are just that ‘different’... therefore not everybody gets the ‘same presents’. 

This is usually pretty easy to understand by the teen years.

I think I got one nursery made card about 17 years ago from my bio son. After that it was more like ‘yuk mum’!

I get not asking BM to keep SS, and if it's everyother weekend, I might be ok with shifting Valentine's Day to another time. But I would take issue with:

1. not accomodating the honeymoon over ONE visitation weekend. that was a special time as a newly married couple. your DH could have switched weekends with BM, or simply forfeited the weekend one time to enjoy the honeymoon.

2. not making valentine's day special for you, his wife. The fact that you get the same gift as a 12 year old boy is odd to me. There should be zero comparison between what you and a child receive, and if your SS doesn't understand that by now, then shame on your DH for not teaching him better.

I had this exact same issue up until a couple of years ago with my SS, and trust me, it's a parenting issue ans not a child issue. If you coddle a child they will act entitled. If you let them make the decisions  and treat them as an equal (ie. your matching VD gifts) they will be entitled.

My SS used to have a meltdown if we did anything without him, even on BMs days, and we have primary custody. I just started enforcing that we need adult dates & adult vacations. That we have SS time and a little bit of just us time once in a while too. 

Your SS will initially have crying & manipulative fits trying to regain control of your lives, but if you don't bow down, it will eventually just be an accepted routine like everything else and he won't care.

To be honest, my SS seems like a happier, healthier kid now that we paractice proper parenting.

It appears that your DH has a bit of an emotional incest thing going with his 12yo.

He is prioritizing his kid over his wife.  Not appryand definitely not a wise move.

Sometimes couple time means declining a visitation.

The duplicate gifts and cards for you and the 12yo love interest would be a deal breaker for me.  Next time he pulls that crap ding even open them.  Hand them to the 12yo "Here have two" and walk away after handing DH the lingerie bag with the hot purchase you made for your romantic couple weekend.

Then go enjoy the weekend for some quality alone time and let DH stew.

Visits from SS9 were every other weekend for a while which was great, we could plan a date night or a weekend get a way. Now BM has him in wrestling (he is failing miserably at BTW) so if there is a match on the weekend we don't have him. DH was never asked if this was an issue nor dose he speak up or say anything, but here we are at Valentine's Day. when I looked at the school calander I see that dear SS has off on Friday as well as Monday so I am VERY confident that BM will be in contact with DH probably tomorrow (Thursday) telling him that she will be dropping SS off for the long weekend, I say telling DH becasue she never ask she tells him and being the dotting dad that he is he will seem fine with that. He asked me the other day what I wanted to do for Valentines Day and I said that I wasn't making any plans until I knew if SS was going to be with us or not. We will see what happens. 

You and SS got the same 'gifts' for Valentine's Day?  I'm sure that wound cut deep and wide. How inconsiderate!  I might offend some folks here but since when did Valentine's Day involve kids? Growing up, we NEVER got gifts or cards on Valentine's Day from mom and dad. This was set aside as a day for lovers, marriage proposals, and things like that. We did the passing out of the little cards in school because it was fun but now....geesh. When I see the VD cards for everyone under the sun, I think it's a Hallmark created situation and I do not participate.

Just askin....but is there any way the BM would manipulate the calendar weeks/months in advance as far as HER having the SK maybe two wknds in a row in order to make the SK's visitation happen at your home during VD weekend?