Too Jealous and Resentful to be a stepmom
Back story... Been with Bf for 3 years I have a 16 yr old daughter he has a 7 yr old daughter.. He is a good man.. He takes care of me very well.. Of course things could be better.. I can't tell anyone I know how im feeling so I came here... Take it easy on me please .. But honesty is what i need
I had my daughter at 16 so very young and wasnt ready but I made it.. Now that I am older I want to do it again.. Her father was never around. My bf has his daughter and that is his princess. The mother is crap and treats him lile crap. If he makes her mad she will hold the little girl as ransom for whatever amount of time she chooses. So I have to be a bystander to him kissing this womans ass.. It drives me crazy.
He knows how BAD I want a baby but he is not performing and we barely have sex... He always re assures me that it will happen in time but how when he does not "finish" he blames it on a cramp..or him being tired..cause I moved....
This has been an issue for a few months now and he pretends like he does not have a problem. So I automatically start breaking myself down like I'm ugly im fat im disgusting..but then I know what the mother looks like and i get confused like how could you get her pregnant and now all of sudden the little swinmers just refuse to come out and play.
So now I find myself resenting the little girl when she comes over. I hate when he talks about her ..i hate when he tells me about what plans her mother has for her. I hate doing anything with her..makes it worse her birthday is the same as my daughter. We usually all go out to eat and I don't want to share that with her. I hate when she even calls him especially when she says daaaaddy
I cant help to see her and feel so resentful that he made this child and cant make one for me.. I have no say so with her so I dont involve myself I usually just go in my room when she comes so i dont have to interact with her. I should add that tge little girl likes me cause I am nice to her when I do get out the room especially when he is around I am like Oscar performer..
I don't want her touching my stuff. I hate her mother so much that when the little girl leaves I wash whatever blankets she has wrapped herself in and my couch pillows cause i dont want the smell of her house from her clothes to linger. She had his sweatshirt on the other day as soon as it came back I washed it right away.. I feel like she has a mother and a father so what is my position...
A year ago he had her 3 days a week and he worked nights so I was the one taking care of her baths dinner ironed clothes fed her gor her ready for school.. The mother found out i existed and stopped her from coming over.the little girl was really upset.. Like I said she does like me.. So when that stopped I really had no use.. I dont care honestly but when i tried to bond with the little girl it was broken. And I have absolutely no desire to fix it. She now comes on the weekends.. For the past 3 weeks I took it upon myself to try to interact with her by doing braiding her hair but then i realized this is helping the mother not him so i will not be doing it anymore...she has a mother..let her deal with it..
Every now and again he says he is going to file for more custody.. Hahaha.. I am not helping him.. Why would i fight this woman for more rime with her child.. It will be on me when he goes to work since i work from home.. He just assumes I am going to do this.. I cant say anything cause he will think I dont like his child.. I just stay silent and pretend I didnt hear him..i dont think he is going to do it so I dont really stress about that
I stay away from sometimes talking to him about when my daughter was little because I dont want to hear a story about when his was smaller... Go reminisce with her mom not me.. I don't want to know what she was like when she was a baby... I want my own baby... Theres is literally nothing I can do to change this I could only vent cause I cannot leave him.. We are to financially connected and really do love him other than his problem which is huuuuge..
My desire for a baby would still be as strong if he didnt have her .. but it just punches me in the gut that i never had the experience of co parenting and having someone equally love my child that way i do...then to have to watch the man i love do all of this with a woman who does not deserve to have him as a father of her child... When the father daughter dance came i lost my shit ...inside of course .. I had to play like it was so cute....gag gag gag....
When she does come over i also find myself judging how the mother dressed her ..did her hair..like what an ugly shirt I would never put my kid in that... Like look at her hair ..it looks a mess. The little girls personality is also weird all she does it stare at the tv ..like up close i used to come out my room and say youre too close but now I dont care i only say it if he is around... To the point where she now needs glasses......not my problem......she never wants to color or go outside .. Not my kids...i would play with them bit not my kid not my problem....when we go out to eat I tell him take the phone away from her there are crayons and a worksheet ill color with her... He just says...shes fine..let her just watch the show....gag gag...
Yesterday the mother knew my BF family was coming over for dinner so she dressed her all up and combed her hair ..its a miracle.. Dress was too big and shoes didnt match....but whatever and then watching everyone commenting her and doting over her..gag gag gag
He needs to go to a Dr but he refuses to acknowledge he has a problem so we keep pretending its a "cramp" why he cannot ejaculate......then I roll over and cry... Then the little girl comes over and she again reminds me she is a product of what i cannot have... He want to pick her up this morning before he goes to work since its no school and she will have to stay with her mom at her job... I know its for her so she isnt bored or whatever but i see it as him giving the kother a break.. I never had these luxuries... I hate her and I resent rhe little girl so much... I need help but me leaving isnt an option so this is my life...thanks for reading...and the Oscar and Academy award goes to me.... 
I think I may just go get a puppy....
You don't mention any
You don't mention any behavior problems so it sounds like you realize the problem isn't the daughter. It's that your SO is unable or unwilling to give you what you want. Maybe it's a physical problem, but when you feel like he doesn't want and desire you, it's a huge problem. I've been there. Idk if love is enough in this relationship. He isn't meeting your need for intimacy and he isn't giving you a child. If this is what you want, you should find someone who will. Or get him to admit he has a problem and at least wants to try to fix it.
Please don't bring a baby
Please don't bring a baby into this situation.
1000% Agree!
You will wind up exactly where you are right now - being a single parent.
This man is not interested in having a child with you, that much is clear. He doesn't have performance problems; he has problems telling you flat out that he doesn't want to impregnante you so that's why he's holding back.
HE DOES NOT WANT A CHILD WITH YOU. I don't mean to be rude but this is serious stuff. Do not bring a poor child into this world when you have a 99% chance of the father not sticking around. You already know you want to have a fully functioning relationship with your (next) child's father, so why are you pushing this guy to do so when he does not?
You wanted us to be honest so we are.
Than you
I think its my maternal instinct is just super high... Even if I am single mother again..based o. What I am witnessing he will still make sure the child is emotionally and financially stable....i think maybe simce my daughter doesnt need as much is why my desire to mother is so strong now...
I would think he doesnt want one too but then he points on baby stuff and babies and says our baby would look like this or he would buy that for our baby.... We have deep conversations about trying and how he wishes i was the mother of his daughter and plans these fake scenarios about taking his son to play football... So its confusing when he brings it up more than me... I think his pride of not being able to perform is getring in the way and then he creates these false hopes for me by talking about our future child.... Last weekend hbefore we had sex he said lets try to go make that boy...and then nothing.....IDK
You can have a strong desire
You can have a strong desire for a baby but not do it because it's not the best situation for a child to be in. Please put it on the back burner and work through these relationship issues.
Trying so hard
This may just be the only way...you are possibly right.
Do not do this to a baby,
Do not do this to a baby, your own daughter, yourself or .... a guy who you do not want for anything other than his testicular contribution to your mommy instincts and accelerating biological clock..
What a shitty thing to do all around.
I wish men knew just how many
I wish men knew just how many women think like this. They'd be way more careful about where their genetic material is being deposited. She's already planning on being a single mom and getting her monthly paycheck for the next 18+ years.
A fate I blessedly avoided.
A fate I blessedly avoided. Though not for trying hard to risk it as often as possible in my youth.
Which is why my DW and I had SS repeat "the mantra" before leaving the house any time he was going out with his GF and other female friends in HS.
"No glove no love and wrap it before you tap it!" In hind site, it really did not matter. Though it was several years away, he realized he is gay and has never been intimate with a female. So, we in all liklihood will not have any woops surprises from our son.
This is not the man for you.
This is not the man for you. He either cannot or doesn't want to give you what you want. If you don't have another baby when you want one so much, you are likely to have lifetime regrets. This has nothing to do with his daughter (and I think from what you wrote that you realize that) and everything to do with him. If your boyfriend is not willing to see a doctor and try to resolve his problem, knowing how important another child is to you, you need to move on.
Thank you
It's so sad that I am willing to ignore my desires because of fear of moving on. I say to myself well my daughter really likes him and he also does alot for her.
He just picked up her and her friends and took them to the mall gave her money and made sure she has money in her account to get home in an uber since he will be at work once they are done.. She dosent get the same love as his daughter which is fine and understandable but she is also 16 where she dosent require consistent hugs and kisses so I say to myself sometimes its the closest thing she has had for a father so how selfish am I to take that away from her because of my desire of being a mother again
I feel like I have to just suck it up at least until she graduates high school and goes off to college but by that time I will be too old maybe....I am 34 now .. I know im not the only woman to diminish her desires because of the kids as well as secretly scared of being alone and starting all over again... Its a complete mess.... Thanks again for your advise
You will be fine!!! The most
You will be fine!!! The most important factor is that whatever the reason he chooses to not meet YOUR needs.... Not communicating and talking to you, counseling may help! Make him see a doctor. Wait until your daughter is 18, but you never mentioned were bio dad is? As far as getting pregnant, how about the baby? Do you think you can continue with this man long term???? You are still young! I had my lil one at 43...
As time goes on you will hate him
For doing this to you. You will never get over it. It's just going to get worst as you get older and you let this slip away from you. You will lose all closeness with him. And continue to not like SD .
Think how you are going to feel when she has a baby and your DH goes nuts over GC. Playing a grandfather, buying GC gifts, furniture, food, thanking them to places with you.
Omg
I didnt think of that part.
Or what about her deciding
Or what about her deciding she wants to live with dad at 17? Or older???? Happened to me......... Wikl he allow her to move in? Will you be able to deal with this? I advise you to talk about all possible scenarios...... If you don't like his responses, leave now!!!!!!!! It only getsxworse later if he does not take your feelings into account.... Is he even willing on having these conversations? If he gets defensive and angry.......then you know what you need to do..... Other replies are correvt, do not bring another child into this.....
I wouldn't beat yourself up
I wouldn't beat yourself up about not liking the kid. You can't like everyone in life, you can't force love. My SD drives me bezerk. To the point of therapy and antidepressants. If you want to stay (as I have chosen to) try couples therapy, see if you can get him to be honest. And also personal therapy to help deal with these awful emotions. It is he hardest thing you'll ever do interacting with a child that you don't particularly like.
Very difficult situation....
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You're unhappiness is so obvious through your entire post.
I am sorry to say but these situations don't get better over night if at all. Most that start out like this only get worse. You have to really sit and think even if you could have a baby in this situation do you think the relationship would last and flourish? Do you really want to be tied to this man and situation for the rest of your life because you have a baby together? A baby will not fix it, it will only make new problems to add to the old ones.
This man is telling you and not all that subtley that he doesn't want to have a baby now or maybe ever. I don't think he has a medical problem I think he doesn't want a baby. I don't think these are your issues I think they are his. You deserve to be treated better than you are being treated and you need to think that too. My advice would be a heart to heart with him where you ask him point blank if it is he doesn't want a baby or he needs to see a doctor. This will give you the answer you are looking for however I am sad to say I think there is a lot more wrong here than that.
Be kind to yourself and good luck!
I get it
I will not judge you because I myself am resentful. I want a baby with my husband, and I hate that he has two kids with another woman, but not a child with me. I get it.
Thank you so much
So much
Maybe he's not performing
Maybe he's not performing because he realizes that you just want him for his sperm and his wallet.
Thank you so much
Definitely not the case.. But again thanks
I understand what you feel, I
I understand what you feel, I felt a lot like you for a long time, and now I decided I don't want a baby, and my husband occasionally asks me if I am sure. I resented him for years for giving his ex which he claimed never loved 3 kids and me 'the only true love' just one. I always dreamed of 2 kids. But this is the problem that I got 95% okay with it and made my life much easier: A relationship is not about what you want. Is getting in accordance of what both want, and that sucks. A solution that will please both of you or someone gotta give if you wish to remain together. Because building relationship in resentment will give u cancer sort of speak.
So what made me decide was: I weighted... a baby, another soul to love, another human that I would have to look after and parent with the man for another 18 years. Another responsibility. In your case, maybe he does want a baby, but not the hard work involved. And having a baby and being a parent are two completely different things. Cos it sounded to me u wanted someone exactly like him to parent side by side and that part of him is unavailable to you but available to the ex. You want to see a baby made of this relationship.
at the end I decided to not want another kid because I said to myself, I am gonna invest on me and my marriage. Love my kid that I have. And let things be. i have placed an iud to make sure no babies. Choosing what I wanted created relief. The indecision was the one killing my thoughts. Make a decision, and that is having another kid, well, be bluntly honest and direct 'that's what I want if you don't, fine I won't force you, but I am not happy' and slowly go after what you want - the means will be created by the way.
sending love from um jealous sm to another