Alienation has begun

I'm hoping I can get some advice on how as a SM and my DH should proceed.
my SD13 has been showing signs of alienation for almost 2 years now. We would go to SS9 ball game and SD would come say hi to us and watch the game with us..then on the skids visit SD would tell us that BM got mad at SD etc.

SD went from texts, FaceTime, and calls through out the two weeks at BMs house to silence. We've asked in the past if it's something DH and I have done. Maybe we are calling at the wrong time etc. SD then gets upset and yells at us. We have told the kids it's okay if they don't want to talk. (DH and BM have a agreement to make weekly phone calls) Just that DH would appreciate hearing something from SD.
We now believe it is the beginning of alienation.
So I'm wondering how to move forward?
Should DH stop attempting to call SD (with BM and DHs agreed call)

Should DH and I stop asking about school events? and if SD tells us she has a concert or something (last minute) How late is last minute? Do we always go?

I have only texted SD once, the other day, in about 3 months to see if she would respond since she was out of school...silence.

SD has made it apparent with her actions that she doesn't want to talk to us, so do we just stop trying?

thanks

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DH should continue to text

DH should continue to text her periodically, maybe not twice a week, but at least a couple times a month. Don't bother calling, she will at least see and read a text.

If you hear about school events, by all means, go. You can sit away and not say anything to her, or try to say something to her, but don't push it.

The key is for her to know that Dad is not mad at her, he still loves her, and she is still welcome in your home. You can go along to support him, but it's really about his relationship with her, not yours.

So currently he has an agreed

So currently he has an agreed upon call with BM. SS legit talks for 40 seconds some calls and sometimes 15 minutes.
Our therapist suggested calling SD phone and leaving VM; then calling BM phone and talk to SS. (That way SS isn't in the middle)

So should DH just stop calling SD phone altogether?

BM doesnt tell DH about SD events and SD has told DH the morning of many times...."are you going to come to the concert tonight" type of text.

I wasn't sure if DH should always say yes. We've canceled plans before (nothing too serious) but it'd be nice to get that text sooner than the morning of.
DH wonders if SD does it last minute intentionally or not.

Go when you can, if you can't

Go when you can, if you can't, just let her know - sorry, we can't make it! I think he should call her phone if that's the agreement.

I personally wouldn't stop. I

I personally wouldn't stop. I wouldn't give up. Keep showing up. DH needs to keep calling. She is 13 and he is 9. You still have a shot at coming out of this ok. It is still early.

Thanks for the feedback. We

Thanks for the feedback. We will keep that mindset

Definitely don't give up -

Definitely don't give up - but you might decide not to call all the time, depending on how often.

She might come out of it, but I wouldn't count on it. The main thing is to keep the lines of communication open.

I wasn't sure if sending

I wasn't sure if sending random memes like once a month or less, was creating more stress on SD.
I appreciate your input!

She's 13. That might have

She's 13. That might have more to do with it than anything. Don't stop going to school events. Give space but don't disappear. Text simple short messages instead of calling. Dont demand answers.

No. This is parental

No. This is parental alienation. It doesn't help to just pin it on being 13, when there is a great deal of evidence that the child is being alienated.

DH and myself have worked

DH and myself have worked very diligently with always sending simple things.
SD has shown us BM messages the past year that are very "answer me now"

Which stresses SD and also takes away the 48 hours with dad, I suppose that's part of the alienation

DH mainly sends a meme here and there and I hadn't texted for about three months because SD was being really mean towards me for a few weeks.

I know 13 is such a tough age. But when you add a narcissistic BM that openly dislikes DH; I imagine it's so tough for SD and I want to not make things difficult for anyone but I also don't want it to look like DH and/or myself just disappeared.

The reason I suggest you don

The reason I suggest you don't do it is because I think it inflames BM more to have the SM trying to speak to the kid. I'd just let DH do it and everyone now and then mention you or say that you said hi.

I am totally fine with that

I am totally fine with that option.
I agree that BM does not like me in the least bit but unfortunately, she also doesn't like DH lol. So I think that hatred is spewed at SD whether it's SM or DH texting but I'm totally fine with not texting.
Ive told SD that if she ever needs me, I am there. I think she's a lot like BM (Eww) but I also think that that kid that did want to talk to DH about music and SM (me) about makeup and crushes is still there.
I'll follow the option you provided and just let DH slip me into the convo and wait to see if SD texts me instead of wondering if I should reach out. Whether once a month or once every six months.

On a scale 1-10, how

On a scale 1-10, how concerned is your DH about this situation?

Asking because I used to get all nutted up about this stuff until I realized DH wasn't.

He is extremely hurt about

He is extremely hurt about this entire situation.
He's watched his daughter go from texting and calling and wanting to be around him to not wanting to talk to him ever, to being angry at everyone, to self harm, to therapists, to having no friends, to crying to DH that she doesn't want to leave the state with BM but telling the lawyers the opposite.
DH had a split home but nothing like this.
he's said many times "the more I try to push with BM for court, the worse SD is getting"

Comments

DH should continue to text

So currently he has an agreed

Go when you can, if you can't

I personally wouldn't stop. I

Thanks for the feedback. We

Definitely don't give up -

I wasn't sure if sending

She's 13. That might have

No. This is parental

DH and myself have worked

The reason I suggest you don

I am totally fine with that

On a scale 1-10, how

He is extremely hurt about

If you seen the signs for a

Tog has been wonderful so far

You have to go to court to get visitation of kids

You are here

Alienation has begun

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