The other kids are 18 (moving out slowly as he has a job and is taking college classes), 16, 15, and 9.My wife and I both work. We don't give the 23 year old any money, but she doesn't need it when all her needs are met by the house.

Yes. My wife is enabling and stuntig her growth. I've used the words"learned helplessness" to explain to my wife whats happening.

The 23 year old has been taking online classes for a few years now. But often she drops them without telling anyone. My wife and the 23 year oldt alk about launching but I see no progress.

WHat the step daughter is trying to do is make money by playing games on line and get subscribers. She is in her room 22 hours a day. This is not an exagerration. 

Thank you all for your thoughts and ideas. Many of your suggestions have been made already with no effect. Mother will not enforce. Stepped Out's suggestion, "daughter or me" is the route I'm taking.

My son is processing out of the house to go live with his mother. He is 18 now, working and going to school. There will be a room available soon. My SS was told years ago that he would get the SD's room when she left. My youngest daughter was promised the room when my son moved out at 18, I want to give it to her. My wife,obviously, wants me to give it to her son. I see the logic behind this, but I still think its unfair. 

Friends have asked the same question. We used to find time when the SS wasn't  home, or find other moments when he was occupied elsewhere. Like I said before, initially, he was only there 2 days a week. But since a year or so ago,  he's lives here everyday because he didn't want to go back to his biological father's house. 

Thank you for your thoughts.

I did give my wife an ultimatum. I told her how detrimental these conditions are for everyone in the house (even SD-23) and either it changes or it's over.

Last night at dinner, SD-23 was at the table and stayed there until everyone finished eating. Usually, she either leaves the table the minute she's done eating, or she takes her food to her room. This time, she stayed till the end, just sitting in her chair not saying a word. Basically, pouting.

BUT, she "cleaned up" like everyone else. I say "cleaned" because while other were clearing the table, sweeping the floor, or putting the dishes away, she... get this... put the bread clip back on the bag of bread and then stood my the table. The moment I closed dinner by commenting that the dining area looks good, she was off to her room.

The point of this story is this: My wife will look at the fact she stayed until dinner and put the bread clip on the bread as "progress". My wife will ignore the fact that she didn't say a word throughout dinner pretty much ignoring everybody except SS-15 (remember, rejection of my family is one of the issues) and that she was pouting (23 years old!). Granted, staying until dinner is good and putting the bread clip on the bread is way more than she ever has done. But am I wrong to see putting the bread clip on as almost a hostile, "in -your-face" type of act?? 

Doing my best to be.

I can even understand how/why she may not like my 16 year old daughter. Their personalities are different and my daughter can throw attitude as well. My son however, is easy going and good tempered but also a slob, and my 9 year old loves everybody but talks alot (In fact, my SS-15 and my kids all get along great. He even knows my relatives very well and he visits with them  

For historical purposes, I will identify when things really started to get bad; When my daughter was 13 and SD was 20, my daughter tried SD's makeup that was in the bathroom. Apparently, my daughter ruined it.  SD was furious. She told her mother that she felt disrespected because her property was taken without permission. Now I may have made things worse. I agreed that my daughter was wrong, but I didn't take it as serious as SD did (I grew up with 3 brothers and 2 sisters and the concept of private property was almost non-existent. True, I would get mad at my brothers when I couldn't find my stuff or when their incompetence ended up ruining my things, but I also was OK with it for the most part).  I felt SD wanted a pound of flesh as compensation. Wife explained that SD wasn't used to this and needed time to get used  to it. I told her I understood but also said, "it's just makeup".

Apparently, SD-23 still hasn't forgiven my daughter for it. And wife brings it up whenever we have disagreements about our "family". I admit I will defend my daughter by saying things like "she was 13 for God's sake!" And my wife will use that incident to justify SD's segregation from the rest of us.

It's been over 3 years since this happened. True, on occasions, SD-23 has been nice to my kids. But it's very rare and it's now gotten to the point where if she is nice, it kinda freaks out my kids a bit. 

This story is a little background to one of many issues: Rejection of my family. The other main one: laziness and refusal to contribute or help out.

"Getting the 23 yr old to contriubte or leave the home should be a secondary consideration."

I feel like I am taking care of a 23-year old and it's sickening to me. Knowing that she's in her room playing games while everyone else is cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc, etc. gnaws at me like nothing else. I've moved beyond being accepting of "contributions" now.  I want her to leave.

But if I move my girls into the same room and make them share so that SS15 can have his own room, then mom and SD23 stop feeling any sort of pressure to launch. Right now, the pressure coming from me AND the pressure coming from SS15 to get his own room are the only forces that has mom putting pressure on SD23. Once thats gone, SD-23 is nevering leaving the nest. I reallly believe this.