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so fed up with lazy SD and my partner's guilt parenting

illinillinois's picture

Submitted by illinillinois on Thu, 11/12/2009 - 11:34am

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Teenage Stepchildren

This forum has helped me before, and here I am again... My SD16 is a lazy mess...flunking school, doing nothing around the house, not looking for a job, etc. My wife (her BM) caters to her every whim, running around after her doing her chores for her, giving her spending money (even though she bitches to me about how the kid doesn't have a job and won't look for one, etc), and refusing to punish the kid for bad grades or her laziness. If she does punish her, she'll "ground" her for one night. WTF is that??? To make it worse, if I say anything, I get screamed at for "picking on" the SD16, not caring about the SD16's "feelings"...the latest is the BM rather than make the kid study is encouraging her to drop any class at school that is challenging because "she doesn't need them" and so she'll be "happy". When I said in a very calm voice that even though she may not "need them" classes like Chemistry will help her have a greater understanding and appreciation for life in the future...BM (my wife) started SCREAMING at me, telling me she didn't NEED me telling her what to do, who did I think I was, etc... We haven't talked in two days. I get the feeling the SD16 is actually very pleased with the situation.

I've done my best to "disengage" - but its to the point now where I'm losing respect for my wife due to her innability to deal with her child. She thinks that by catering to the kid, always giving the kid the easy way out that she's "doing whats best for her". I think its pathetic...

I'm to the point where I don't want the kid under my roof, and I'm thinking of ending the relationship. Am I crazy? Am I a bad guy? I'm being made to feel that way, and I'm at wit's end with the "me versus them" mentality that exists in my house.

LONGTIME SM's picture

Submitted by LONGTIME SM on Thu, 11/12/2009 - 1:30pm

Your wife is trying to be her friend not her parent! It sounds as though she is not receptive to your criticism so all you can do is refrain from commenting on her parenting skills and make no comments on SD's behavior no matter how irritating you may find it to be.

I recommend though that you make it clear with your wife where you will draw the line. Meaning - I assume since your wife has agreed to let her drop chemistry that SD will not be going to college. You would then have to decide how long you and your wife will support her before she will have to move out of the house and support herself. You and your wife will have to agree on this or this can become a major future problem! If you learn now that your wife might never ask her to move out then that could help you decide what you can live with.

illinillinois's picture

Submitted by illinillinois on Thu, 11/12/2009 - 2:33pm

Wife seems to be living in dreamland... and so does SD!!! She actually asked the other day if her mom would plan some college visits for her, and the answer was "sure honey..."

GREAT point about how long we'll let her stay in the house...its been on my mind ALOT lately.

glynne's picture

Submitted by glynne on Thu, 11/12/2009 - 2:55pm

Been there done that. I, like you, had to take a huge step back from my DH and SD. He parented by guilt also and still does. I have lost respect for him as a parent but that's one aspect of the man. I understand his frustrations and his fears. I finally had to tell him why I was drawing some strong boundaries with SD and the relationship between he and the SD. I've had some truly difficult times in my marriage but we are together and we still love each other. SD is still difficult but it's easier now for me to let some things go. Of course, I had to get counseling to do this! Smile All I can suggest to you is to talk to your partner and make her understand your viewpoint. She may not accept and that is her decision as the bioparent and YOU must ACCEPT that. That is the most difficult part.

Glynne

JustAnotherSM's picture

Submitted by JustAnotherSM on Thu, 11/12/2009 - 3:59pm

I can sympathize. My SS17 lives with his BM and is treated exactly the same way as your SD. My DH has tried over the years to enforce some discipline and responsibility for his son, but without the cooperation of all parents it seems useless.

You sound like a person who really is concerned with making sure that SD has the right skills to be successful in life. You are not the bad guy. Hopefully BM will realize that before it's too late.

illinillinois's picture

Submitted by illinillinois on Thu, 11/12/2009 - 4:35pm

Thanks workingmom. I AM so concerned about what's going to happen to this girl after she turns 18. She has no skills, no work ethic. She has no hobbies, no interest in activities, plays no sport - in my eyes she has nothing that can give her a sense of accomplishment or a sense of self. She's almost helpless, unless it involves guilting her mom into getting what she wants.

What will she do to support herself in this economy, this job market? Hell, competition for cashier jobs at WalMart is fierce right now...

Her mom keeps telling me "she's just a kid..." I keep telling her mom that she's going to blink and she'll be 30.

And what do I get? "Why don't you like her? You don't care about her, all you want is to be right. Why do you attack me? Its not a prerequisite of our relationship that I agree with you...I did okay with her before I met you, and I'll do fine with her now as long as I don't have to worry about pleasing you in how I deal with her...Keep your opinions to yourself..."

Its hard to deal with. My first reaction is to tell her mom to keep all of her expenses to HERSELF... I know that's wrong. Maybe it is my ego... but EVERYONE around me sees what's going on except the BM....