How do I disengage?
Hey all. I have only posted here one time. I find myself frequently scrolling through these forums though and it's nice to know I am not alone.
A little backstory, I have a daughter of my own. She is seven. My boyfriend has two daughters, five and two. The five year old is not biologically his, but he has been in her life since she was a baby. I think it's wonderful he is continuing to be a father figure for this little girl that needs one. I always thought it showed his true character, but I'm not so sure anymore.
All of our problems stem from his kids and his actions with them. Their mom is a mess. Drinks a lot, parties a lot, and is just all around flaky. I know that if affects them greatly. I've been very patient and understanding, but I'm honestly over it. We've been seeing each other since October and they still have not gone to court. I don't believe it will ever happen at this rate. I'm tired of hearing about her and the crazy things she does. I've told him not to talk about it in front of the kids and he doesn't listen. He lets her control so much of his emotions. I've told him he needs to take control of the situation and stop worrying about what she does. She isn't a part of this relationship. But it's not really changing.
I am gonna be honest. His kids are brats and I don't like them. It's hard to say that. I want to and I want to help and be a good mother figure for them, but I can't this way. These kids run the show. I've told him time and time again that I don't want the two year old in bed with us. If I stay at his place, she will come in bed with us at some point. I work with children. I need the bedroom to be a safe space for me. He says he's trying, but he's not consistent. I know when I'm not there she sleeps with him. It's to the point I don't stay there. I frequently find an excuse to stay home. I just want to sleep.
It's just constant inconsistency like that. The place is always a mess. The two year old will rip a tortilla shell up and just throw it on the floor. The five year old thinks she doesn't have to clean up. He recently made a chore chart for them and one of the rewards is a sleepover at my place with my daughter, which he did without discussing with me, but then he said maybe we could just do it this weekend. I told him no because we weren't having sleepovers during social distancing and also that he needed to stick to his word. It's like in one ear and out the other. There's no structure and the little bit they have isn't consistent. I don't even want them over here. I am a bit of a neat freak, but my daughters normal messes don't really bother me and she knows she will have to pick up.
I am very frustrated. I am wondering if disengaging would be a good option? We don't live together and I told him we have no future if he doesn't get it together. I'm not moving in with him like this. I've worked hard to get where I am. I'm ready to buy a house soon and I want to move forward. He is not in the same place. I don't want my daughter to lose them. She loves them all. I'm at the end of my rope though.
I don't know if he doesn't understand how serious I am or what. Everything else with us is fine. He's helpful and sweet when he's here. He will do the dishes so I can sit down and rest. He will take the trash out so I don't have to go out in the cold. He's thoughtful. It's like he doesn't know how to parent though. He also has them the majority of the time because mom is just crap. I'm not sure what to do at this point. We've had numerous talks about these issues and it just doesn't get through or something. If his kids weren't in the picture, we would be perfectly fine.
Agree with somethingwicked -
Agree with somethingwicked - if you are finding this man and his kids (and incidentally - it is all his fault that they are behaving as they are and he permits it) infuriating now - how much worse would it be if you moved in and there was no escape back to your calm little oasis? You've only been with him since last autumn - and as holly says, it will be worse for your daughter if you were to move in and then a year or two later split up. My two grandsons are 6 and 9 - my daughter split with their father in 2015, and she has remained single since then. Their father on the other hand, moved in with a woman with a small child of her own, but they recently split up and he is having to sell the house and it is much more upheaval in the lives of my grandsons. It would have been better really if they had just been seeing each other and not moved in.
But the kids ARE in the
But the kids ARE in the picture, and always will be. So, there's that.
Who he is as a parent is part of who he is. As a partner, he doesn't even listen to you and take you and your concerns seriously.
Probably not the relationship for you.
How do I disengage, you ask?
How do I disengage, you ask?
Very easy. Your boyfriend cares for his bios from sun UP until sun set. He dresses them, bathes them, runs them to day care, pickes them UP from day care...He takes care of his kids as if you were not there with him. PERIOD
YOU sweetie take care of your daughter. SHE is the top top top priority now and forever. NOT boyfriend and his kids.
I also agree with floopy ears about the toddler times. Pretty normal. BUT even as a toddler I told them not to throw food on the floor---but they did and laughed. It was a game to them.
Same for toddlers throwing their sippy cups on the floor...its a game when you play.
Last though. Your boyfriend should not be taking care of another living mans child 'as his own'. Find that bio dad, he is out there somewhere. Actually make BM do it.
Thats it.
This is after just six months?!
My suggestion is that you consider this whole time a trial dating period and cut your losses NOW.
He lets BM control his emotions. Translation: He is still not over his relationship with her.
Kids are affected by BM's life choices (partying, etc.) Translation: These kids will/or already have emotional and behavior issues related to their mother, which will increase with time and may last their lifetimes.
You told SO that there would be no sleepovers at your house due to virus and associated risks. He ignored you. Translation: He does not respect your decisions (including ones regarding the health of YOUR daughter) and will put his and his kids' desires first.
You've worked hard and are financially stable enough to purchase a house. He is not. Translation: He is setting you up so he can take advantage of your financial benefits. A significant part of his "attraction" to you is the money and child-care you can provide. Loving your money and attention is not the same as loving you. Don't confuse the two.
Your daughter "loves" them. Translation: Again, don't confuse or conflate the word "love" Your daughter is an only child. She "loves" the company of these other children and enjoys time with them. It does not mean she (nor you) should be willing to sacrifice finances, resources, and her mother's attention when these two potentially-damaged children and their lacadaisical father start demanding more and more from you.
Everything else is fine. Translation: Your SO has foolishly taken on parental responsibility for one child that is not his with a mother who is not responsible. He then went and had a biological child with this same woman. He is still emotionally invested with her because he still has feelings for her. You are nothing more than a diversion for adult company, child care, potential increase in housing status (I'm sure he'd love to move into any house you purchased) and sex. His daughters are already exhibiting behaviors which demand attention and will only get worse with time.
The BM's problems can increase exponentially and you may one day find yourself spending all your time, attention and resources on two demanding kids and their wimp of a father. In the meantime, YOUR DAUGHTER will slowly but surely be shoved to the sidelines. Her "love" of these kids will grow to full-blown resentment, and it WILL affect her feelings and relationship with YOU. She will feel you abandonded her for this wimp and his girls.
To sum it up: Shame on you if you waste another minute in this situation. Don't tell me how much you love him and how everything else is "fine." It's not.
Tonight, go in and look at your sleeping daughter. Imagine all the wonderful things that life will have in store for her ... as long as she has a healthy, happy home life and a mother who has made HER a priority. Then imagine throwing all that away for this guy and his overweight baggage.
If you love your daughter, you will end this relationship now. It's better to be alone than allow yourself (and her) to get sucked into this quagmire.