Help me please ease the sick feeling every time SS comes over.
Hi everyone, I haven't been on here in a while but recently I've really been struggling to cope with SS10. I can't seem to find UK related blogs and this did help me a while back.
I CANNOT shake the strong sick feeling of dread and the instant anger every time SS10 comes round. I hold so much resentment for his existance, how the situation controls my life and how another woman BM can have this control over my life, when she's really not meant to be my problem. But she is. Sometimes I can't even look him in the eye - I just can't bear him being round but even writing this isn't helping, it's just showing me to be really spiteful.
I've been with his dad for three years, moved across the country to live with him (as he obviously can't leave his child until he's older - fair) and we're doing up a house and currently live in two rooms and a bathroom so it's really cramped. I love a project and don't mind it when it's just us two. But three really is a crowd in this small space. My space when I haven't made friends yet up here.
I know SS has to also deal with the hard living situation we have, but as long as he can scream and shout on his playstation, have grim toilet habits and come in multiple times every night to ask his dad to sleep in his bed (he says no), then he's ok. We've also had great times and I have been a good influence, it's just all getting too much.
I think I'm slowly going crazy and I just want to be happy again - and with COVID-19, my partner has offered to have him more - of course he wants to see his son - but I really don't. I really really don't. Who is that heartless?
I love the week when it's our week... and now the kid has spoilt it. Yep, horrible witch over here who doesn't want his SS to come round for a few evenings in her selfish week....
We normally only see him one Monday night every two weeks and that weekend (so I have a full week without him normally). I accepted this as our situation and knew what I was getting into. But you never really know what you're getting into and I'm sure most of you know that feeling also. I just don't have any friends in my situation, they all just say 'you'll be ok, you're doing a great job'.
Please help - I really try to be a nice person in my life, I volunteer for a mental health charity, I go above and beyond for friends and family when they are struggling yet I absolutely RESENT this innocent child when I should be a role model for him... What on earth is wrong with me?
How can I just LET GO and be nicer?
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Comments
You’ve been trained well
To believe this is somehow your fault.
But as the posters point out above - this is 100% on your DH for poor parenting. He needs to socialize his kid now so he launches into a successful adult some day.
So draw those basic boundaries with pride.
And for the love of dog do not have a child with this man until he learns to deal with the one he already has. Otherwise civilization training (aka child rearing) will all be on you while he's busy being the fun dad with no rules about the basics, causing you more pain and grief.
Hang in there!
Thanks for taking the time to
Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yes I've stressed before that being the fun dad is not impressive or endearing in any way - our kids will have boundaries and we will parent TOGETHER. And he knows this. He does agree but knows if he tries to parent his kid like a normal person and the kid moans to mum that he has to eat with his mouth shut at dad's, he'll lose access (BM likes to show her power). He does seem embarrassed sometimes about what the kid does......
It's easy to say what you
It's easy to say what you will do in the future. This guy has been a parent for TEN years. If he hasn't stepped in up to plate yet, chances are he never will.
Mom may be giving him hell because she has spent TEN years watching the way he parents. Just because kids are awful in one home doesn't mean they behave the same way in the other home.
My ex's younger daughters were AWFUL with their mother. With us they were always respectful and well behaved. They knew that they couldn't pull the crap that they pulled her when they were with us. My ex had his faults, but being in ineffective parent wasn't one of them.
Think long and hard about having kids with this guy.
How can you let go? You
How can you let go? You totally let go of this relationship.
I think there is a two-fold problem: one, your DH's piss-poor parenting; and two, your lack of desire to be married to someone who has a kid.
Be honest with yourself. Even if DH stood up and became the best parent, wouldn't you still resent that the kid exists? That you had to move away with no friends FOR HIM? That he takes up your guest room with HIS STUFF and HIS PRESENCE? You aren't just appalled that he's unruly; you're appalled that he exists.
And that's fine. Not everyone should be in a relationship with someone that has a kid. If your resentment is so much that you can't even look at the kid, then this isn't just about him being unparented.
You have to make a decision for yourself. Do you want this? Do you want to share this life? You can't cut him out; he'll always be there, even as an adult, somewhere in the background, taking time and attention away from your DH. There will always be something to resent because you resent HIM. Not his behavior; HIM as a living, breathing human being.
This could be a vent
There are lots of times when people come here having had no ability to let off steam and overstate how upset they are. I can see the OP looking for a way to decompress rather than being really unable to see this child as a real person.
That's possible, but I
That's possible, but I assumed that since it isn't the first time she has been here and she doesn't feel like writing helped that it might be time to dig deeper into that pit she has in her stomach.
Venting on here is great to let off steam, but it's not a cure for the problem. Maybe OP only needs to vent, but if she is truly feeling what her words are saying, she really does need to look inward.
Same here
I feel the same way, especially about one of my SSs. Both SSs are "little spies" for BM. Every time they ask a question, I know it's to go right back to BM.
I used to get alone fine with them, but BM is a bully who is not happy unless she has DH jumping at her every request. DH's family has decided that he's a "terrible father" unless he caters to BM. One SS is so enmeshed with BM that he has made it his mission to be her voice in our home. He has also lied about me to DH's family. So, really, I can't even stand the thought of him. Every time he comes over, I either avoid him or get into a fight with him, because he is a total jerk.
I've been honest with DH about how I feel and what I need him to do to manage things. Sometimes he steps us and sometimes, he doesn't. My biggest issue is him taking responsibility when his kids are here and also setting them straight. For example, when SS lies to him, even if that lie is inconsequential, I expect DH to step up and call him on it.
Being a SM is hard. It's even harder if your DH does not step up and "manage" Skids or "manage" BM. It can feel impossible if BM is controlling and actively tries to control your home.