Welcome to the Crazy
We apparently have lots of fun and games
So today me and DH go through Easter groceries because I remembered it was this coming weekend with the kids.
So he actually heartfelt helped out. Ham, egg , egg dye, candy etc . It was awesome that he was helping. Truly it felt so great to get feedback. I don't really care about Easter but having that list. Having the stuff for the kids. I started to feel better
I started the hype up during dinner to both stepkids. Youngest starts saying she's going fishing with BM. I calmly explain no sweetie, you are spending at least Easter with us. She keeps going on and on about fishing with BM ( they never fish )
Well DH starts nada. I'm beginning to get a little angry. But I do the default sweeten up . Of course sweetie, good job eating sweetie
So remember DH and I planned a dinner with the kids this weekend. We talk about it to the kids.
Ham , fresh corn, mashed potatoes, pierogi, biscuits,etc
Well he uses this taking point to ask of they want ham. One said yes other said maybe. They added a Publix chicken into the vote.
Neither DH or I want a premade chicken. I got a little upset with him later for raising a vote. The kids are getting ham because that was in the game plan but Stop giving a choice. They can eat sides without issue .
Ok well whatever. I'll handle the ham battle this weekend.
But kids say that BM has not kept up with any of the learning schedule. how am I more upset about this than him??
I want to just crawl In a corner and disengage. But realistically these kids need role models .
My totally jerk head plan is go full Passover cusine. My husband is Russian Jew I'm polish ( mixed ) catholic but hey super white bread kids let's get some latkes !!! )
Realistically can't do it but damn dude can I have control of a holiday in my household?
Also before I get more sh-- : my sister ( In law) were planning to do this together to get the kids into eastern European recipes. With covid it blundered
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Ham with Russian Jew?
Ham with Russian Jew?
The kids are raised Christian
The kids are raised Christian. And I don't think this guy cares either way. He might not be observant of Judaism and Jewish tradition or might just be clueless. Him having ham is the least of his issues
Correct. He's got quite a bit
Correct. He's got quite a bit more to chew than some bacon
Also ethnicity and religious practice are quite different.
There are so many different
There are so many different variations among different practices among Jews. Many just don't know and think we are all the same
I am ethnically and religiously Jewish and I raised my DD Jewish snd I personally don't eat or cook pork but I don't follow kosher or every tradition, I don't always fast on Yom Kippur and I eat bread on Passover etc along with traditional food. My DD is way more traditional like she wouldn't eat anything what's prohibited during Passover like bread or baked goods and she certainly fasts on Yom Kippur etc And then there are Jews who eat pork, they might maintain some Jewish cultural tradition but don't practice religion. Doesn't make them non Jews.
There is more to it than what people eat.
Very very true. He wasn't
Very very true. He wasn't raised Jewish but both his parents were when they were younger due to their parents.
Same with me . My mother is polish catholic but she flexs rules and did so marrying my father. I think religion is up to the user. Which with our I guess agnostic ? Household has been tricky. We have our roots. BM has hers. Our game plan was to just be as neutral as possible until BM became a Christian put of nowhere. I wanted the kids to sort of search for themselves.
Please do crawl in to a
Please do crawl in to a corner and disengage. You can't care more than the parents. And dinner is not a choice. Ham and sides is what is for dinner. My words to my DH would be "we're not getting a fucking chicken" but sounds like you a waaaayy kinder than I am.
why are little kids being
why are little kids being asked if they want ham? They'll eat what's purchased and served. I don't understand the discussion. Especially now during covid19.
so what kids don't keep with learning schedule?. Do you have friends with kids? Many don't keep up with learning schedule. They are tiny kids. Not high school seniors or Harvard students.
why can't you disengage?
So for your second part- BM
So for your second part- BM is literally not doing any of the lesson plans AT ALL. We are doing other programs on their weekends because both the kids are way behind education wise.
The 7 year old barely reads and was placed in a special education class for it ( which the kid told us , yet again not BM) so while not students in Harvard they need to keep up during this crazy time.
That's why your DH needs CO
That's why your DH needs CO where he'd have a kid 50% of the time and do lesson and assignments. BM has kids full time and dad complains how she does things wrong but does nothing about it
By the way most public school districts cannot legally demand assignments being done during covid.
If SD is placed in special education then she has an IEP, then her IEP must be followed when she is at home IF they demand she does her assignments. Her hours and minutes, achievement of her goals and accommodations. How is it being followed?
How is it that the father doesn't know she has an IEP?
If school didn't inform him, he needs to email the school and ask who is her special education case manager, then email that person and ask for a copy of an IEP (when school is closed they can't mail you a copy but case manager can send dad snippets of it like IEP goals etc).
if dad isn't in any kind of contact with school and doesn't even know child is in special education, then how does he know for sure what needs to be done at home? does he have access to it?
Yeah, food and meals in this
Yeah, food and meals in this home is a problem point and where all the worst comes out. It came to a head for me the other night and DH knows it. I'm done doing anything around meals or with meal planning when YSD is here. Just done. I've cooked when I feel like cooking, and helped with more at times, but if the same is not extended to me then I am out. I made it very, very clear to DH. If he wants to cater to her, then it's 100% on him. I provide no help, no planning, no shopping for special things. Even if I want that delicious mango when SD is here, I'm not getting it. Only I will prep it for eating. No one will do it but me. Then, mano gets eaten and I get none of it? No more mango.
LOL. That's my new mantra. No More Mango!
The idea of being a role model.
Firstly: Ham , fresh corn, mashed potatoes, pierogi, biscuits,etc
Oh my, I want to have dinner with you!! That sounds friggen delicous!!
Secondly, the idea that we, as stepparents need to be "role models". I was trapped into this thinking in my ex marriage. That I had to be a Role Model for SD. That so many of our interactionns had to be a "teaching moment".
I'm so much more enlighted now in my new relationship.
The only behaviour you need to model to these children is your own happiness. I'm not sure I'm making sense here. I realized that its not my job or duty or responsiblity to put on a show or care about them more than their own parents do. All I can do is be happy and secure in my own life. If they pick up on that great! If not, I don't care. The only modeling I can do for them is show them that their dad and I have a good and respectful relationship.
I've taken a HUGE step back when it comes to the kids in this new relationship. They are not my job, my duty or responsibility. I don't censor myself whatsoever. I am who I am, like it or not.
Sure children need role models..but not in a sense where we have to pretend we are something we're not. I really worked wayyy too hard in my first marriage to be this perfect "step mom". Not anymore. And everyone is the better for it.
Be yourself, don't worry so much about those kids. Make your delicious dinner.
Thank you so much ! I really
Thank you so much ! I really want these kids to succeed but that has to be an inbetween of disengagement and being a push over which I'm still trying to find.
You can be a role model by
You can be a role model by having a job, not drinking or doing drugs, having hobbies, interests and your own life outside of your DH, having your own friends, living a healthy and happy independent life, and not allowing men to treat you poorly. The best kind of role model for young ladies. You can be that kind of role model by being reasonably disengaged. By being in the middle of drama and negativity, you aren't really being a role model.
bottom line if dad wants young children voting on what's being cooked for dinner, then he is the one doing the cooking. And shopping. Nothing wrong with that. He can do it. My DH tried to do traditional ceder once as a surprise for me (he isn't Jewish lol), effort is what counts. Let him make Easter dinner for his kids.
LOL (Living Out Loud)
I think you explained being a "role model" better than I did.
If you consistently make yourself a priority in your own life by practicing self care and ensuring you have your own hapiness covered, then everyone else around you is just the better for it.
For example, my DH has two teenagers. When they are at our house, they can be loud and super hyper (especially at mealtimes). So, I make sure to take a lot of time outs (i'm introverted). I leave all of their care to DH. Do I get annoyed when they leave their shit around the house, don't turn off lights or close windows, yes. I mention it to DH and he's usually pretty good about taking care of it.
I try to be as relaxed as I can when they're here and because I'm relaxed, they interact with me and joke around with me and in general we have an excellent relationship.
I'm lucky because DH is awesome and he prioritizes our relationship.